ThatLittleGirl

Hello to everyone...I can say I'm definitely glad to have found this board. I have been reading the threads this week...this resource is beyond helpful to me.

A little background, I am a mother of twin four-year old daughters. I have been married to an active addict for eight years; I am positive he was an addict for the 2.5 years we dated before that...I just didn't know it; I've never done more than drink socially.

Anyway, I was at the end of my rope before I found your forum. I truly, after all these many years, did not understand anything about him or me. I knew he was an addict, I just didn't want to admit what that meant. I had my moment of clarity after reading "What Addicts Do". Wow...that's all I can say. It's as if a light went on and a knowing came into my heart and mind that I desperately needed. I was such a co-dependent...it's as if the definition was written with me in mind. I have enabled him in so many ways over the years thinking I could "fix it" not knowing it wasn't mine to fix. All the nights waking up in panic attacks, scheming of ways to "catch" him (when I already knew in my heart he was still using), isolating from friends and family in shame and embarrassment, and finally, most recently, descending into a deep depression at the lack of success. It's heartbreaking to think of all the time and energy I've wasted.

Thing is, now that I know...really know in the core of my heart, everything for me has changed. I see his lies this week for what they are...and he knows it...but he doesn't understand how fundamentally my heart has changed. I know our life has been a lie...everything has been a lie. I'm not sure I love him anymore...or if I ever really did... If our life was built on a foundation of lies...what was real and what wasn't? I think about all the important events and how drugs tainted everything. It's soooooo confusing...especially with young daughters who adore him and don't understand any of this...

But what I do know is that I do not want to raise my children in an active addict/co-dependent household...so I need to fix myself!

I have printed off the 1st Step thread and am reading through it...I want to get better...I will NOT look back... And if at the end of my journey, my AH isn't by my side...for the first time, that OK...I can do this.

Anyway, a big "Hello" and "Thank you" to all you wonderful posters...you can never know how much what you say every day impacts so many readers...whether they post or not! I have this forum for guidance and focus when I get really desperate and confused...Thank You!

teke

welcome

i'm a recovering addict with 8yrs clean who was married to an active addict for 24yrs, it took 21 yrs for me to realize unless i separate myself from his addiction, i would completely lose my sanity. this forum has been a sanity saver for me. keep posting and reading here, there is a lot of experience, strength and hope here.

rayofsunshine

Welcome to SR! I found SR while looking for help for my exAH, but instead found help for me! Like Teke, it saved my sanity too!

Glad you are posting. You've found a good place for knowledge and support! Keep reading and posting. It will help you so much.

Callie

I have to say that you seem to be off to a running start! Things seem to have come together for you quickly since you've come here. Good for you and good for your twins!

I think about all the important events and how drugs tainted everything.

I totally get this statement. Vacations, holidays, the birth of our twins (mine are b/g 9yo twins). I see now that our foundation was built on sand. It took me a long time to figure that out. I hope it doesn't take as long for you!

Welcome and @ the same time, I'm sorry you're here. Addiction stinks all around. What is your AH on?

sofacat

"....descending into a deep depression at the lack of success."

Very well put.

Welcome to SR.

Being here has helped my to take a long hard look at myself...and ultimately allow me the strength and support to break from my XAH after his last relapse, or should I say "My" last relapse.

Glad you are with us, but am sorry you are here.

ThatLittleGirl

Thank you all...it's taken soooo long for me to get here! I don't know why, but things just didn't "click" to me before now. After this last "relapse"...although I knew he was never completely clean, I just knew something had to change. I was literally desperate...it was the first time I lost hope through this whole process. That was a good thing for me because it was through that mental anguish I, for the first time, started to look for help for myself. I knew the anxiety and depression were killing me.

What is your AH on? His DOC is vicodin/hydrocodone...but he will take just about anything as I found out during this last round of relapse...

The birth of our twins --> I am still working through my resentment towards him in this area...he was coming off of drugs the day after I delivered...my daughters were in the NICU and I needed help showering so I could go down and see them for the first time. He was so messed up I couldn't even wake him up to get help from him and had to do it myself...it was awful!

Anyway, I am grateful for my daughters...my oldest (by 18 minutes) just came in and said she needed a hug and a kiss before bed...I just love them to pieces...it that's all I get out of the last ten years are my beautiful daughters, it will have been worth it!

Callie

TLG - I look back @ the birth of my twins. AH was really good, but come to find out he was using. I had a c-section and they rx'd me percocet. I think it was 2 several times a day. I knew I couldn't take that much and I ended up breaking 1 up in 1/2's. I just wanted to make the pain go away, not be looped. Looking back I can remember I had some left over. I had no problem finding a home for them.

I look back @ my whole R with AH and I'm sickened. Like you, I didn't know. I was stupid and naieve. I've never dealt with drugs or alcoholism before. Ever. I've certainly gotten my dose of dealing with it as of late!

If I could go back, I would have gotten out alot earlier. My twins are old enough to know what's going on. Yours are, but they're not. My two love AH to pieces, but he's so far gone right now it's not possible for him to be present.

Again, sorry you're here, but SR is a great place for help.

Spiritual Seeker

Enough is enough...When we want change only we can create it....
Getting yourself and your life in order for you and your kids sounds like the right idea.

Satya

Just keep coming back, and create a support network in real life, as well (meetings, people you can call that understand addiction/codependency, etc.) No matter how strong and clear you feel now, situations will continue to arise that will test your strength and courage. I don't say this to discourage you, because I know it is great to be where your at (btdt). I am just saying this, because now, when you are seeing things clearly and feeling strong, is the time to create that network of support. That way, when you find yourself feeling confused, or falling back into old patterns with your addict, you will have somewhere to turn, to help you see clearly again. You will then have people to support you and remind you what you are committed to (your daughters.) I don't know how many times I have seen so clearly, and have truly had enough, only to find myself back in the loop of old behaviors. This is a journey of healing and empowerment for us. We have to rewire our brains to do the healthy things, because we are going to want to do what we are used to and comfortable with, even in the face of its ugliness. I always feel like I am taking 4-5 steps forward, and then 2-3 steps back. Ultimately, I am moving forward, but I have had to learn some hard lessons along the way.

When I was going into labor with my daughter, ex said: "I hope this isn't going to be all night." Excuse me, but last time I checked, I was the one in for a really long night! I had a doula for the birth, so ex's only role in the birth was to witness his daughter's birth (we were not together.) I sent him home, and called him back later. He was all dressed up, so I think I was interfering with his plans for a night on the town. I was so pissed that I actually wasn't going to call him back for the rest of the birth. I was birthing at a out of hospital birthing center, and I ended up having to transfer to the hospital for some minor complications. I only called him because I thought he should be there if something went wrong. My complication cleared up, and I went on to have a healthy, intervention free birth.

ThatLittleGirl

falling back into old patterns with your addict - Yes, I can feel that wolf rising already today...some moments I feel like I could conquer the world...others have me questioning everything and feeling insecure...it's such an emotional rollercoaster! I try to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and not keep looking back; I know emotions can lie...so everything I'm feeling doesn't have to be the truth or real...I just have to get through that moment and things will look and feel different...better. I am also a member of a co-dependency group through my church; I have two friends from that group that I call when I go all anxiety-crazy:-) They are extremely helpful too!

This board is a dream come true for me...whenever, night or day, I feel a little shaky, I just come on here and read through some threads and work through the comments in my mind...I eventually get myself under control...that's a great thing. For the last year, I've been waking up anywhere between 2 and 3 in the morning with these anxiety attacks...it's been awful. Now, I have this resource, and I am so glad.

I hope eventually all the anxiety and stress will pass...that I can get off this rollercoaster ride forever!