Jenny1232

So, here's my dilemma. As I posted before, I left my boyfriend because I suspected an addiction to pills which he was in denial about. After I left, he was devastated. He's now saying he'd give it up and do anything to keep me in his life.

He does have chronic back pain - so can he never take a pill again? I don't even know what boundaries to set. I don't know if I could trust of believe him anway. Maybe he should seek physical therapy first or something...

Here's where I'm confused. As a non-religious person myself, I can't see asking him to go to NA. He doesn't believe in God, so would it even benefit? My other thought - people are forced to go to these meetings, even when they don't want recovery. SO, he could just meet up with fellow addicts who don't want to change, then bam! He's got connections. He's got people to give him pills when he's in need. He'd then be associated with more abusers...

I feel like NA would be a complete waste for him. What steps COULD he take to prove himself then? I don't even know where to begin here, if I choose to give him another chance. I want to, I HAVE to see some sort of plan or change though. Do I leave that decision up to him?

Thanks

Freedom1990

Remember the 3 C's.
You didn't cause his addiction.
You can't control his addiction.
You can't cure his addiction.

I would highly recommend you dig into your own program of recovery to heal from the effects of his addiction, and give him the dignity to run his own life and make his own choices, no matter how poor they may be.

He's a big boy. Let him wear his big boy pants and don't run interference.

Jenny1232

Thank you. I am starting to read codependent no more, so I hope it helps. I'm just wondering if its worth the heartbreak to try again.

You're exactly right though...

Freedom1990

I know it's hard, but try to stay in the moment. Put the possibility of another chance up on the shelf for now, okay?

If you have Alanon or Naranon available in your area, give the meetings a try.

Jenny1232

I did attend an al-anon meeting this week. I'm not spiritual really, so it was tough. I did enjoy relating to others though. There isn't a near nar-anon, but they're essentially the same - and he does have drinking problems too, as well as my parents.

I'm trying to stay in the moment now. He's been emailing me, and at first he was all sweet. Once I wasn't saying what he wanted to hear, he began flipping out. "Screw you and you're ultimatums", etc. He's contradicting his words. I told him to calm down and speak to me once he's able to be respectful. I'm sticking to my decision right now. It's just too much to handle.

He said, "you either want me, or you don't." Well, if you want to speak to me that way, then I don't want you. - Sorry, I needed to vent, he just sent that to me.

DecBaby

I've been reading your posts Jenny and I personally was going to say if he's serious about this give him another chance BUT It doesn't sound like he's going to change. I'm a recovering pill addict myself and so is my husband so all this behavior is very familiar to me. To me what I hear him saying is "I'm gonna keep taking pills like I want to, you can either deal with me as I am or not." I sincerely don't think he's ready to stop if already he's getting mad at you like this.

Jenny1232

My exact thoughts, DecBaby.

I was feeling very hopeful - until his last message. It's the same ol' everyday. How on earth do you beg for someone back, tell them they're the world, you'd do anything, etc.... then 18 hours later, tell them they can take it or leave it? It's just NON-SENSE to me. I don't get it.

hello-kitty

The nature of addiction is that you can't quit using drugs for someone else. Love isn't enough to cure it. I can see by your last post that you have already stumbled onto this realization.

Drug addiction is cunning and baffling and powerful. Just keep doing what is the right thing for you and your future. He will keep doing what he wants to do - until the pain caused by using is worse than the pain caused by not using. It's called hitting bottom. Some addicts, unfortunately, never get there. And as long as an addict can manipulate loved ones, they have an extra-super hard time hitting it.

Satya

:ghug3

Jenny1232

Thank you Hello-Kitty,

I'm trying hard to stay firm. He's in the process of manipulating me, and putting me where he wants to right now. He's making me feel guilty for trying to be strong, and let go of our toxic relationship. I get exactly what you're saying. Talking to people here, and reading stories is the one thing that keeps me pushing forward with my decision. I can't thank you enough!

hello-kitty

I feel guilty once in a while too... but it's a passing feeling. Soon enough my ex shows his true colours and at that point I feel really grateful that he's my ex. The payoff for not giving into my guilt is huge.

It's a bit disappointing that my ex still quacks after all these years, but vindicating nonetheless.

PS. One way to cut down on your guilt is to go "no contact". It's not always possible for me because I have a child with him, but I definitely limit my contact to bare bones. I don't have to listen to the "quacking" if I don't want to. I can choose to not answer the phone or hang up on him or close the door in his face.

Jenny1232

Yeah, I was thinking of going no contact... Im still debating whether I want to give it another shot or not. If he keeps being crabby with me, then he can just go. You say years, how many? What finally pushed you to your end? Do you care to explain anymore?

hello-kitty

Lies, deceptions and his drug addiction pushed me to the end. Eventually I decided I deserved better. I decided I wasn't going to waste my precious life supporting him while I waited for him to get his sh!t together and morph into the man he pretended to be.

We broke up when our baby was 7 months old but I still toyed with the idea that things could work out between us. but he kept lying and manipulating - true to his character.

The straw that broke the camels back came when our son was 16 months old. He told us he was going to get pizza and he never came back. For 7 months we didn't hear from him. I'll never forget how sad my little boy was when daddy didn't come home. He could really talk at that age. But he could say "daddy pizza?" And every time we drove by a pizza place my son would point at it and say "daddy? daddy?"

Our son is nearly 5 now. His dad has some contact now (he says he's clean) but not much and I have strong boundaries that guide me in my behavior and the behavior I will and will not accept from him. Contact is hard when you can't trust someone.

And he still lies and tries to manipulate me. Still tells me he loves me and wants to be a family. But I don't pay attention anymore. That's just who he is - a liar and manipulator. It goes in one ear and out the other. I have too much self-respect to ever go there again. He had his chances and I moved on.

Fool me once shame on you... fool me twice shame on me - well he fooled me way more than twice but eventually I learned. I can forgive him for his son's sake but I won't forget.

I'd say give yourself 30 days of no contact. And then see what happens. If nothing changes nothing changes...

Jenny1232

Oh my gosh. That is heartbreaking. I'm sorry to hear that. You seem very determined now, which is great. Stick to it!

Wow - thirty days seems like FOREVER. That'd probably be a reasonable thing to do. I feel like, what if he's moved on, or doesn't love me in 30 days. That's just stupid. You don't stop loving someone that quickly, and if he does... then it really wasn't meant to be.

I fear the word liar and manipulator, because all I see is his face. Do you have any hope left? I feel like everyone out there either drinks, smokes or has some sort of substance abuse. How do you feel about finding love again?

outtolunch

It sounds like you are in need of a new social enviornment because not everyone smokes, drinks or abuses substances.

We define ourselves by the people we choose to associate with.

Have you considered volunteering somewhere in the community? How about taking some classes?

Jenny1232

Agreed. I'm actually into mountain biking, hiking, rock climbing, etc. I'm just being ridiculous right now because I am upset. I don't really know any climbers who smoke... they drink occasionally, but that's not so bad.

Thanks for putting me in my place. I'm currently enrolled in classes, so adding on to it is too much.

hello-kitty

I just don't worry about it. I have enough to keep me busy. If it's meant to be it will happen, if not, well I'm sure there's something bigger and better in store for me.

Since D I've dated several guys, but none of them have been the ONE for some reason or another - not drug related. Usually it's kid related. Who needs to date when you have the perfect little man at home. There's a lot of competition for my time these days.

And yeah. If he doesn't love you after 30 days - well seriously you have your answer. And besides he's a liar and a manipulator AND a drug addict. Maybe you need to ask yourself why you care so much about losing someone who can't really be there for you in the first place.

There's a reason he's your ex. Look at his actions not his words. he's being a jerk. He's telling you to accept him exactly the way he is - drugs and all - or let him go. You can't change him. His actions do not show that he even wants to change. You have a choice to put up with it or move on. He's told you this. You can't make him morph into the man you think he is capable of being.

And yeah. chronic pain is a beyatch. Problem is that if you are addicted to pain killers, your pain receptors change. You THINK you are in so much pain you need more and more and more pain killers. Fact is you are an addict and you never really know whether the pain could be managed in some other way (or even if the pain is really there in some cases) or if it's the addiction talking.

You get to decide if you want that in your life. Sounds like he's already decided that for now, he's not ready to stop.

coffeedrinker

you said in one of the subsequent posts, that you're not sure if you wanna take another chance with him. based on how he flipped on you, when you didn't say what he wanted you to, well, there is no way he's not gonna do that again. i mean, why would he stay the nice, sweet man you see occasionally? there is no evidence that he will, that he has done any profound kind of changing. because profound change is what is needed - no two ways about it.

stay strong. you can think about love down the road. think about loving yourself right now.

lightseeker

First, I want to say that I totally understand your feelings. In fact, if SR hadn't crashed at one point you could go back 5 years and read my very similar thoughts and questions!

All I can do is share my experience. My husband (then BF) had used crack and pills for 20 years. I had no idea of the extent of his using though. Once I realized the deal I ended our relationship. He begged, pled, said that he was going to stop and all of that. Well, he's got about 5 years sober now. I re-engaged in our relationship.

Now...I'm dealing with the if/only's.....if I had done the 30 day thing, how much different might my life be now? If I had watched from the sidelines for a year to see what he did without me providing a sober living house, how would my life be now? If only I had had the strength to step back and let him do it on his own I could have seen how serious he was about it. He had been a liar, cheater, and manipulator while he was actively using. It's better now that he is not using but the personality traits still exist. I've learned that the actual using is but a symptom of the real disease...it's a disease of the spirit (not the religious spirit necessarily but the essence and being of who you are).

My life with him now is pretty boring, parallel lives, and not anything that I truly want. I sure do wish that I had given myself the opportunity to see what he's like sober (not pink cloud newly sober but years down the road sober). The life now is a step up from the last several years though - he has been very verbally abusive (overtly and covertly) along the way. That has stopped but my boundaries about that have also created a big divide between us.

So now....I am simply biding time and looking for the right moment to step away from him. Something that I wish that I had done 5 years ago - at least on a trial basis for 30 days to see what he did with those days.

My problem was that I wanted him and I knew that there was no way that he was going to get and stay sober without an environment that supported his sobriety. I just should not have volunteered myself to be that environment. I took a big risk on him - and he did what he said he was going to do - not use drugs. Only he used irritability and anger instead.

You can always try a brief trial time to see how it goes. Considering he has chronic back pain it's likely to be pretty difficult for him to do this without a lot of professional help.

I know that being someone's punching bag for their irritability hasn't been any good for me. Now I am financially entwined and it's more difficult to just walk away.