Is it true that addicts don't care?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
I think its hard to question a feeling they are incapable of feeling. They are taking a substance that keeps them from caring about ANYTHING. Why should we be any different? Think about it, they are putting a substance in their bodies that could kill them. Why should we even consider that they are thinking about us when they are not even thinking about their own health. The basic human instinct of survival is out the door. It's not that they don't care about us. They don't care about anything but that fix.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
It reminds me of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. According to Maslow, basic needs like food, sleep and shelter have to be fulfilled before a person is capable of fulfilling more sophisticated needs like love, caring and self-fulfilment. As many of us know first hand, addicts can reach a point where food, sleep and shelter no longer matter to them. The are no longer capable of meeting their basic needs. They no longer care about those things.
Take cocaine and meth addicts for example (and I know this from personal experience) when they are using they don't eat or sleep.That's why they are so skinny and sleep deprived. They can't even think of basic human needs like nourishment and sleep because cocaine has taken over all importance in their lives. It has re-wired their brain.
Addicts are all screwed up. Ascribing the emotion of "caring" and "loving" to them may be a bit of transference of our own feelings. For the most part, addicts aren't even capable of caring for themselves. So how in the world do we think that they could be capable of caring for anyone else.
Take cocaine and meth addicts for example (and I know this from personal experience) when they are using they don't eat or sleep.That's why they are so skinny and sleep deprived. They can't even think of basic human needs like nourishment and sleep because cocaine has taken over all importance in their lives. It has re-wired their brain.
Addicts are all screwed up. Ascribing the emotion of "caring" and "loving" to them may be a bit of transference of our own feelings. For the most part, addicts aren't even capable of caring for themselves. So how in the world do we think that they could be capable of caring for anyone else.
A
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: St. Cloud Minnesota
Posts: 2
So when they say an addict does really care but still continues to hurt the ones they love the most, when do they realize that enough is enough and they want to stop using the drug/s to take away the feelings of pain? When do they reach the point of rock bottom, when do they realize?
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by Soleus 
For the recovery addicts out there, and I hope this isn't too personal a question, I keep hearing that addicts don't care about others when they're active. That "if he really cared about you he wouldn't be doing drugs". I have a small issue with that, he was using way before I ever came along and by that time all the problems he had were way too deep for me to have an affect on.
I wanted to ask you if that's how you felt even when seeing your husband/wife/children/friends day in and day out, if you were more focused on drugs to care about anyone else. Drugs become a necessity like eating or water for an addict so maybe significant others and 'normies' don't know what it's like to not have necessities.
Just working through some things in my head. Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated and please be honest. It's always hard to hear 'I didn't care' but it's better to know the truth.
Thank you
I wanted to ask you if that's how you felt even when seeing your husband/wife/children/friends day in and day out, if you were more focused on drugs to care about anyone else. Drugs become a necessity like eating or water for an addict so maybe significant others and 'normies' don't know what it's like to not have necessities.
Just working through some things in my head. Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated and please be honest. It's always hard to hear 'I didn't care' but it's better to know the truth.
Thank you
even knew existed because I did care so much, but did not know how to stop. The world I was in was more powerful than my own existence. I'm lucky to be alive today. If I had stopped caring then I wouldn't have felt so bad. Like Amy said, sometimes feeling that bad, the relief was another line.
Never again.... would I go back there........ ewwww
And I don't feel like it's all about me with his addiction,
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by hottyc
So when they say an addict does really care but still continues to hurt the ones they love the most, when do they realize that enough is enough and they want to stop using the drug/s to take away the feelings of pain? When do they reach the point of rock bottom, when do they realize?
I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to get educated from all these fine folks about what life is like with an addict. Here you will find stories of hope and of despair, some are happy endings and some are absolutely tragic. But you'll at least get a clear picture of what your life will probably look like over the course of the next 10, 15, 20 years if you choose to stay with your addict....sober or not.
Stick around.
Welcome to SR!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
My first reaction to the question was I don't believe in absolutes - meaning that just because someone is an addict doesn't mean they all somehow fit into a category of 'I don't care I'm going to use anyway' or 'I care but I'm going to use anyway'. Just as codependents and "normies" (if there is such a thing) don't always fit into one 'box'.....there is a lot of in between.
Thank you to the RAs who shared their experiences that show how powerful & devastating addiction can be.
My RAH once said to me when he was newly clean, something like: "the thing that hurt me most while I was using was that you stopped saying you love me". Thinking back to that time, I was in a time of change.... I WAS starting to NOT love him anymore - addiction or not - even with his sad past life experiences that lead him towards drugs, I could no longer accept his behavior in my life.
What I found most important for me was that I had to get passed the reasons for him being an addict or how he felt/what he wanted/why he did things; I had to get over my fears of losing my home, I had to let go of my dreams of growing old with him. I had to let go of it all. I had to turn it over to my HP and start to make decisions on what I needed rather than what I wanted. I believed, and still do, that had I not started to make these changes, I may have lost everything important to me because I was letting his drug use drag me down with him.
So I guess in the end (for me), what matters more is what is acceptable in my life - as selfish as that may sound. I need to remember that every day.
Thanks Soleus for asking the question - it's been a good discussion
Thank you to the RAs who shared their experiences that show how powerful & devastating addiction can be.
My RAH once said to me when he was newly clean, something like: "the thing that hurt me most while I was using was that you stopped saying you love me". Thinking back to that time, I was in a time of change.... I WAS starting to NOT love him anymore - addiction or not - even with his sad past life experiences that lead him towards drugs, I could no longer accept his behavior in my life.
What I found most important for me was that I had to get passed the reasons for him being an addict or how he felt/what he wanted/why he did things; I had to get over my fears of losing my home, I had to let go of my dreams of growing old with him. I had to let go of it all. I had to turn it over to my HP and start to make decisions on what I needed rather than what I wanted. I believed, and still do, that had I not started to make these changes, I may have lost everything important to me because I was letting his drug use drag me down with him.
So I guess in the end (for me), what matters more is what is acceptable in my life - as selfish as that may sound. I need to remember that every day.
Thanks Soleus for asking the question - it's been a good discussion
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reading, PA
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by itisatruth
My first reaction to the question was I don't believe in absolutes - meaning that just because someone is an addict doesn't mean they all somehow fit into a category of 'I don't care I'm going to use anyway' or 'I care but I'm going to use anyway'. Just as codependents and "normies" (if there is such a thing) don't always fit into one 'box'.....there is a lot of in between.
Thank you to the RAs who shared their experiences that show how powerful & devastating addiction can be.
My RAH once said to me when he was newly clean, something like: "the thing that hurt me most while I was using was that you stopped saying you love me". Thinking back to that time, I was in a time of change.... I WAS starting to NOT love him anymore - addiction or not - even with his sad past life experiences that lead him towards drugs, I could no longer accept his behavior in my life.
What I found most important for me was that I had to get passed the reasons for him being an addict or how he felt/what he wanted/why he did things; I had to get over my fears of losing my home, I had to let go of my dreams of growing old with him. I had to let go of it all. I had to turn it over to my HP and start to make decisions on what I needed rather than what I wanted. I believed, and still do, that had I not started to make these changes, I may have lost everything important to me because I was letting his drug use drag me down with him.
So I guess in the end (for me), what matters more is what is acceptable in my life - as selfish as that may sound. I need to remember that every day.
Thanks Soleus for asking the question - it's been a good discussion
Thank you to the RAs who shared their experiences that show how powerful & devastating addiction can be.
My RAH once said to me when he was newly clean, something like: "the thing that hurt me most while I was using was that you stopped saying you love me". Thinking back to that time, I was in a time of change.... I WAS starting to NOT love him anymore - addiction or not - even with his sad past life experiences that lead him towards drugs, I could no longer accept his behavior in my life.
What I found most important for me was that I had to get passed the reasons for him being an addict or how he felt/what he wanted/why he did things; I had to get over my fears of losing my home, I had to let go of my dreams of growing old with him. I had to let go of it all. I had to turn it over to my HP and start to make decisions on what I needed rather than what I wanted. I believed, and still do, that had I not started to make these changes, I may have lost everything important to me because I was letting his drug use drag me down with him.
So I guess in the end (for me), what matters more is what is acceptable in my life - as selfish as that may sound. I need to remember that every day.
Thanks Soleus for asking the question - it's been a good discussion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 63
I'm glad we've been able to discuss this. I know that this is something talked about all the time- you hear it from people often so I wanted to see what the insight was about it.
I know there are a lot of people out there suffering and battling with this thought so I wanted to bring it up and help us all make sense of it.
And you're right, no one ever fits into one category or the other. And it hurts to think that a substance is more important to your loved one than you are. That hurts me a lot to think about because I know I am a very valuable person, I know I have a lot to offer and for someone to reject that and choose a substance instead hurts, and I know others feel the same. But I'm not so upset by it anymore, I see now that's it's not anything personal.
Ive been thinking about how it seems unfair to addicts, that they're doomed to walk this world alone while in active addiction. And I was thinking about how unfair it is for my ex in recovery who I left before he got the chance to prove himself and show that maybe he has changed and he is doing the right thing.
But- I read somewhere from someone, I apologize, I think it's in a different thread to stop thinking about what's fair to him and think about what's fair to ME. And that changed everything for me. It may not be fair for him but it's not fair for me to not get the love and attention I deserve.
Keep sharing thoughts, it's been most helpful reading them.
I know there are a lot of people out there suffering and battling with this thought so I wanted to bring it up and help us all make sense of it.
And you're right, no one ever fits into one category or the other. And it hurts to think that a substance is more important to your loved one than you are. That hurts me a lot to think about because I know I am a very valuable person, I know I have a lot to offer and for someone to reject that and choose a substance instead hurts, and I know others feel the same. But I'm not so upset by it anymore, I see now that's it's not anything personal.
Ive been thinking about how it seems unfair to addicts, that they're doomed to walk this world alone while in active addiction. And I was thinking about how unfair it is for my ex in recovery who I left before he got the chance to prove himself and show that maybe he has changed and he is doing the right thing.
But- I read somewhere from someone, I apologize, I think it's in a different thread to stop thinking about what's fair to him and think about what's fair to ME. And that changed everything for me. It may not be fair for him but it's not fair for me to not get the love and attention I deserve.
Keep sharing thoughts, it's been most helpful reading them.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Chatsworth CA
Posts: 44
This is my first post and I have to say I am beyond grateful for the thoughts and opinions of everyone here. This is definitely a topic of conversation my addict boyfriend and I try and talk about (which does eventually end up in a argument) Everyday I feel like I am losing my sanity and every time I seem to regain my surrounding and boundaries, my emotions seem to suck me back in with more resentment, frustration, anger, sadness and confusion towards my addict boyfriend and the cold-heartedness he projects on me and the people that love him. I keep telling myself underneath his addiction is the man I fell in love with and somewhere with in him he does truly love and care for me and our life but as the “sober” one (that being me) there is still a lot I do not understand and am trying to educate myself on, unfortunately my emotions take over and I’m off crying again.
For now I continue to read my mantra’s such as -I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can’t control it.
Thank you again everyone for your post. Your words are greatly appreciated and valued.
For now I continue to read my mantra’s such as -I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can’t control it.
Thank you again everyone for your post. Your words are greatly appreciated and valued.
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