OceanSize

this is my current inner battle too. you are much further along than i am but my experience is that i keep assuming he is healthy and moving on to "bigger and better things" - but that's his voice in my head (i think) - it's not the reality. the reality is he's sick, needs help, and that's not going to change.

i miss him. i'm ok without him. i don't need him. i do want him in my life, of this i am sure.

when i play the tape, i see him getting help.

i can't tell if it's fantasy or not.

he accuses me of "needing" him but i think he's feeling insecure b/c i dont' really need him at all, i just want him. i don't think he understands that.

maybe now that i don't need him, he doesn't want me. if that's the case, he's not the guy for me.

this is all so confusing. every day is different.

newlife24

I think thats just it. They think that we "need" them like they "need" drugs.
But the truth is, I don't. Im doing fine. Ill always love him. But if he doesn't love himself, where does that leave us??? Nowhere with nothing and thats just not a picture of my life I can live with.

Jenny1232

Girl, for the first month I was a wreck. Crying at everything. Not wanting to go anywhere. The ugly cry in my car where I could just scream and scream.

Ahh! I feel so much better to hear that. I thought I was insane for literally screaming. It was as if I just found out someone died. You're doing so well for yourself!! I know what you mean about dating, I am no where near ready. To be honest, I think I enjoy being single. I'm 23.. and I've never really been single since I was 13. I've had periods, but they were very short-lived. I want to discover who I am. What I like. What I want. I feel you on the checklist! ;p I had one.. I just didn't follow through with it.

"I think thats just it. They think that we "need" them like they "need" drugs."

See, I feel like I need him... I'm beginning to realize, I don't. It's like being in the midst of an addiction.. and you want/need it so bad, but you no longer can have it.. that's how I feel.

newlife24

see i had a mini checklist. didnt meet all the requirements but he was faithful, loyal, caring, nice, was close to his family, and believed in god. but all of those things went by the wayside when he got high. Nothing mattered to him but that. So no matter what qualifications he had, it became a dealbreaker for me.
I should have had drugs on my checklist! but i didnt know anything about pot. I sure do now.
you've never been single???? oh my god it is so much fun! do whatever whenever!!! I had the best year of my life single about 4 years ago. It was awesome but i racked up a big credit card debt doing it!!
Enjoy life! that is what we are here for!
Anyway, I gotta go to the store and buy some pens....im studying and they keep dying on me...too much to do!!!
Have a good week

Jenny1232

lol, well.. I was single for 9 months before my current ex. I was HEARTBROKEN, and madly in love with my ex before him. I was just at that point, where I was like, "I love being single".. then, I got caught up in his whirlwind.. and very comfortable.

So, really, I'm so ready to go back to it!!!

Jenny1232

the being single part! To be able to just make my own decisions, for myself! To be able to do the things I LOVE! To dig deeper into my education, on every level... so many things I need to do!

Jenny1232

LOL, you're awesome! I was going to "feel like dancing around" when I got off work! Thanks for making it easier by providing the link! I will definitely check it out!

newlife24

taking a break from studying!
You sound so much happier already!
Dont let others get you down! You deserve so much more.
You deserve to follow your dreams. Sometimes I feel I get too distracted from what I want while im in a relationship!
Im getting my LPN done and theres nothing better than feeling accomplished. Its a wonderful high in itself.
Heres to the future, no need to look back, theres nothing there we need!
love,
your friend,
Lauren

pinkrose77

jenny - this is a good song for my mood right now and i think it might help you!

Leona Lewis - Better in Time

youtube it!

Jenny1232

Better in time!!! That was my old ringtone for my last ex. It was great! I still love that song! Thank you though, pinkrose and best of luck to you!

Aww, my dear friend Lauren! You're just simply amazing! Isn't this site hard to shy away from? I'm so hooked! I need to be studying myself, but I can't log off and stop reading the forums.

So, something just happened. I think I'll PM you... I'm feeling weak, very very weak... I feel like I'm caving in.. wanting him back. This. is. not. good.

Krys

Wow I just came back after being gone for a bit and it looks like a lot went on Jenny! I don't care what his problem is there is never an excuse for someone to speak to you that way, it's verbal abuse. Stay strong girl, you've got plenty of time to meet the right guy, go and take care of YOU for a while! I'm so impressed and inspired!

OceanSize

i am also inspired. rejecting abuse is hard for me, and this post tonight is very helpful. thank you.

Jenny1232

I don't know where to begin, yet again.

His thing now.. If he can't have me, no one will.

He is doing everything in his power, to ruin my life. There is some personal information that shouldn't be let out.. and that's what he's now doing. I spent hours listening to him cry and beg for me back. We could do anything. I calmly told him that I did indeed love him very much, but I will not take the abuse anymore.

He cried some more. Begged even more. ---- Then, he went balistic. He is going to do some very hurtful things to me now.. and I'm so scared. I feel like I'm dying on the inside.

I no longer feel the guilt I was feeling - that part has long left me. I'm scared of him. He's acting nuts. Calling me a liar, I'm gonna get what I deserve, etc.

Why.. why does he have to ruin my life? I'm so upset.. I just want to cry and cry.

I'm so finished with him.. but this is my personal information that he is now spreading around.. and I can't stop him.

pinkrose77

jenny - rise above it. no person is in any position to place judgment on anything you have ever done in your life. you can't control what he is doing, but you can walk with your head high, like a lady. composed and graceful. if anyone looks down on you for anything your ex may say, you may want to reevaluate their place in your life.

Jenny1232

Well... it's a serious thing. It's not even a character flaw.

Not sure how to rise above it... but, you're right. Thank you very much... As long as I'm moving forward, I'm happy.

One day, I will be at peace.

OceanSize

pills....

Jenny1232

Actually.. he's not even on pills anymore. I blamed his addictions to pills and alcohol for his behavior.. it's just him.

He is abusive
He is disturbed
He is potentially Bi-Polar
He is certainly a psychopath

This has nothing to be with being an addict anymore. He simply.. will not change. This is who HE is...

OceanSize

are you safe?

Jenny1232

Yes.. I am safe.

hello-kitty

So what else do you want to do with your life Jenny - besides mourn the loss of your relationship with an abusive drug addict? I'm just asking because once I started focusing on my personal goals - the things that were really important to me - I was able to start moving forward and feeling better. My recovery took action from me. I had to work for it. But it's gotten easier and my life is way more fulfilling and happy now then it used to be when I was trying to help someone who didn't really want my help. When I was so busy trying to love someone who didn't love themself, I couldn't love myself either.