Left prescription pill addict boyfriend
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That's a powerful post! I enjoyed reading it. I can see your strength and it inspires me. Good for you! How long have you been dating him? It's still really hard after two months of no contact?
You seem like a sweet, wonderful person! I can really relate to what you're saying, I feel the exact same way. I was talking to my boyfriend yesterday about his lack of hobbies. He takes pride in his work though. He LOVES fixing things, and last night he installed new car speakers for me. That will suffice! We have differences in what makes us happy. He planned our friday, and he wants to go rock climbing, with and for me! I see progress; just hope it lasts.
I wish you the best with everything! Are you still going to Al-Anon?
You seem like a sweet, wonderful person! I can really relate to what you're saying, I feel the exact same way. I was talking to my boyfriend yesterday about his lack of hobbies. He takes pride in his work though. He LOVES fixing things, and last night he installed new car speakers for me. That will suffice! We have differences in what makes us happy. He planned our friday, and he wants to go rock climbing, with and for me! I see progress; just hope it lasts.
I wish you the best with everything! Are you still going to Al-Anon?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Thank you! Yeah we were dating for a year and a half. I truly loved him with all my heart and walking away was the hardest thing I've ever done. But his parents enable him and baby him to some extent to keep up this pothead lifestyle. I wasn't going to win with them on his side (parents are in denial about it all), nor was he ever planning on getting clean. Its been very hard not to call him, but I know that I did the right thing. We are moving in two totally different directions and I cant go where he's going. Its a steep slope that I just dont need. I've worked too hard for nursing school to have it all thrown away through a relationship. That and I dont want to go to jail!
I feel I am a very good person and I give my all to relationships which is why I finally realized I was codependent and stepped away. Im tired of giving everything and receiving very little, and that goes for my family and friendships as well. I didnt want my life to repeat itself the way my mom raised us kids. Its a very unhealthy environment to be around an addict and I still carry those emotional scars.
My ex was a very kind person. He tried to look out for my best interests and always supported school. He just always seemed so unsure of himself. Even though he displayed a little cockiness at times, I saw the side of insecurity that came from not having a GED or any higher level education. We couldnt communicate on a higher level and I wasnt happy with that. Im a very intellectual person.
I guess it just progressed from that feeling of not connecting on a mental level. Im not much of a tv person and thats all he wanted to do for the majority of our relationship. I could never get him to go out and be social. I need someone that can keep up w/ me intellectually and socially. I have alot of friends from all walks of life, and I want someone that embraces that rather than is intimidated by it.
I hope that your bf does change. If my ex was motivated to turn his life around, I would have tried to work it out. But he doesn't and I didn't.
Glad to hear that I inspire you! That makes me feel good
I feel I am a very good person and I give my all to relationships which is why I finally realized I was codependent and stepped away. Im tired of giving everything and receiving very little, and that goes for my family and friendships as well. I didnt want my life to repeat itself the way my mom raised us kids. Its a very unhealthy environment to be around an addict and I still carry those emotional scars.
My ex was a very kind person. He tried to look out for my best interests and always supported school. He just always seemed so unsure of himself. Even though he displayed a little cockiness at times, I saw the side of insecurity that came from not having a GED or any higher level education. We couldnt communicate on a higher level and I wasnt happy with that. Im a very intellectual person.
I guess it just progressed from that feeling of not connecting on a mental level. Im not much of a tv person and thats all he wanted to do for the majority of our relationship. I could never get him to go out and be social. I need someone that can keep up w/ me intellectually and socially. I have alot of friends from all walks of life, and I want someone that embraces that rather than is intimidated by it.
I hope that your bf does change. If my ex was motivated to turn his life around, I would have tried to work it out. But he doesn't and I didn't.
Glad to hear that I inspire you! That makes me feel good
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Originally Posted by Jenny1232 
GOSH! The only thing I can say today is WOW! I relate to everything I read! I give you major props for walking away! You realized you deserved better, and you went with it!
This is a very interesting statement to me. Would you read it? Then read it again, and say what you think in response.
I understand that you are not in pain right now - that constant ache in your chest, the periodic heart racing, the obsession with the break-up. It's so, so awful. But I would guess that there has been a pattern to the relationship. Doesn't it always feel like such tremendous relief when you reconcile....only to go to the scary, ugly part again? Rinse, repeat.
I found that I would get upset, fearful, anxious, and think we should end the relationship. Then, when he got a little better with everything he struggles with, I would get hopeful, and so relieved that he was on track. One day I just started thinking that this pattern might go on for the rest of our lives. Yuck, I deserve better than that.
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I have so much to say now! This may be a long post.
Newlife - reading everything you said is nearly words that would come out so naturally from my mouth. Here I am preaching about what needs to be done to make things better for you, all the while ignorning myself. Perhaps we can continue to build each other up and NOT call them. It'd be easier if you replied to my private message if you'd like
All your thoughts and feelings are the situation are the same as mine, when I'm thinking rationally.
Coffeedrinker - those words couldn't have come at a better time. You nailed that one entirely. We made it three days, three whole days. You're right, there is a pattern. I've been thinking about it non-stop, but trying to ignore it. I've gone against my better judgement to temporarily heal my pain. I have to say, the pain, and anger I feel now is worse than the loneliness I felt then. As my good friend said, it's better to be lonely than it is to be miserable with someone. I need to vent.. so here goes my story.
The reason he sucked me back in.. after I blocked his number.. after I made the decision to cut all ties and be done with it. He knew EXACTLY how to bait me. Someone stole my diamond earrings he bought for me. He KNEW how devastated I was. He was begging and pleading for me to see him, talk to him, give him a chance. I said no. I was indifferent. I wanted nothing to do with him.
Then I see him.. there at my front door handing my brother the fresh new bag to replace those earrings. I step outside to talk to him, and tell him I'm not sure I can accept them. What does he say, "I don't expect you to talk to me or take me back. I just wanted to replace these because I know how important they are to you". With that,I melted. I hugged him, and from there I couldn't let go. Maybe it was the tears in his eyes that told me he cared. That he was sorry. That he'd change. That finally, this time would be DIFFERENT.
WRONG.
Again, reasons I left... (I really need to ramble here)
He was blowing me off to get drunk with friends. I told him I will NOT come second, especially to alcohol. He said, "I promise this time I will change, I'll go back to us"
Day Two: I wait three hours for him to get home from his friends. Finally, he comes home. We go to the store to buy speakers to put in my car. I bought a new cd, and really wanted to listen to a song. He FLIPPED. He was irate, because he didn't want to hear that song. He screamed and yelled at me. I immediately became disgusted and stopped talking to him. An hour later I got the endless slew of, "I'm sorry" "can we move past this". I was repulsed. I wasn't angry, I was digusted. I didn't talk to him for about three hours, where I finally said, this is pointless... gave him hug and kiss, said I love you and went to bed.
Day Three (today): He get's off work early. He goes to his co-workers. I ask when he'll be home. He says a few mins after I do. I asked kindly if he could be home before me so he'd be showered and ready, and we could go grab dinner. He said no, he'd be home when I got home...which means about 45 minutes after me. I know how this goes everytime.
So.. I'm upset. I thought he said he'd make more time for me. I thought after only three days I wouldn't be constantly waiting around. Well, he calls me on my way home.. and I mention that I'm irritated, but it will pass. He asks why, and I said.. "I really don't want to discuss this because it will lead to a fight". Said I'd be fine and it'd pass. He insisted I tell him.
Calmly, I said.. "I'm just upset that I'm still waiting around for you two days in a row.. when you said things would be different". A reply that I expected would have been, "I'm sorry honey, I'm on my way" or something along those lines of normalcy. Instead, this is what I got. No joke.
"You're such a fu$$king Bi$ch!" - Then, I got about 20 minutes of screaming in my ear. I kept saying, calm down, I don't want to fight. I got mad that he was disrespecting me and told him to talk to me when he could be nice. That led to, "YOU FU%%KING APOLOGIZE TO ME NOW. YOU GET DOWN ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES AND TELL MY FAMILY YOUR SORRY AND YOU LOVE ME" "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT JENNY. YOU'VE DONE THIS AND NOW WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS" "IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A FU%%KING BI$CH" Then he proceeded to break up with me.. and say, "YOU STUPID FU%KING C%NT!"
I WAS BLOWN AWAY! No idea what happened. So then, because I didn't say how very sorry I was, he broke up with me. HE THEN ASKED FOR THE EARRINGS BACK. When I said no, he said, in a very sinister voice, "Oh, I'll get you back sweety" and hung up on me. I'm actually scared. I texted him and said the earrings were a gift, to which he replied they weren't a gift.. he gave them to me to make me happy because a junkie friend of mine stole them. That'd he bill me for replacing my speakers, and that he now hated my guts.
Then, about four hours later I got, "You're so cold. Thanks for everything. You won't see me anymore, no one will, I'm done". He blocked my number, so not like I can reply.
I'm SO blown away. I can't take this crap anymore. Are there people who don't act like this? Has anyone had something similiar happen to them?? He yells at me out of no where, very, very often. I can not handle it anymore. Yet, I'm laying in bed without him, and I'm missing him. What's wrong with me? Maybe I shouldn't have been so controlling and upset that he was making me wait.. but I didn't deserve that reaction. Not at all.
I'm scared to date again. Scared to let myself love again. He's damaged me. I'm growing stronger though. I know that this is not something I ever want to tolerate. It's nothing new. I've been putting up with this behavior for over a year. I let him do it, but I don't know.. which is why he hates me.
Please offer advice. I'm falling here. I'm really sad, angry, hurt, confused and alone... Thanks..
Newlife - reading everything you said is nearly words that would come out so naturally from my mouth. Here I am preaching about what needs to be done to make things better for you, all the while ignorning myself. Perhaps we can continue to build each other up and NOT call them. It'd be easier if you replied to my private message if you'd like
All your thoughts and feelings are the situation are the same as mine, when I'm thinking rationally.Coffeedrinker - those words couldn't have come at a better time. You nailed that one entirely. We made it three days, three whole days. You're right, there is a pattern. I've been thinking about it non-stop, but trying to ignore it. I've gone against my better judgement to temporarily heal my pain. I have to say, the pain, and anger I feel now is worse than the loneliness I felt then. As my good friend said, it's better to be lonely than it is to be miserable with someone. I need to vent.. so here goes my story.
The reason he sucked me back in.. after I blocked his number.. after I made the decision to cut all ties and be done with it. He knew EXACTLY how to bait me. Someone stole my diamond earrings he bought for me. He KNEW how devastated I was. He was begging and pleading for me to see him, talk to him, give him a chance. I said no. I was indifferent. I wanted nothing to do with him.
Then I see him.. there at my front door handing my brother the fresh new bag to replace those earrings. I step outside to talk to him, and tell him I'm not sure I can accept them. What does he say, "I don't expect you to talk to me or take me back. I just wanted to replace these because I know how important they are to you". With that,I melted. I hugged him, and from there I couldn't let go. Maybe it was the tears in his eyes that told me he cared. That he was sorry. That he'd change. That finally, this time would be DIFFERENT.
WRONG.
Again, reasons I left... (I really need to ramble here)
He was blowing me off to get drunk with friends. I told him I will NOT come second, especially to alcohol. He said, "I promise this time I will change, I'll go back to us"
Day Two: I wait three hours for him to get home from his friends. Finally, he comes home. We go to the store to buy speakers to put in my car. I bought a new cd, and really wanted to listen to a song. He FLIPPED. He was irate, because he didn't want to hear that song. He screamed and yelled at me. I immediately became disgusted and stopped talking to him. An hour later I got the endless slew of, "I'm sorry" "can we move past this". I was repulsed. I wasn't angry, I was digusted. I didn't talk to him for about three hours, where I finally said, this is pointless... gave him hug and kiss, said I love you and went to bed.
Day Three (today): He get's off work early. He goes to his co-workers. I ask when he'll be home. He says a few mins after I do. I asked kindly if he could be home before me so he'd be showered and ready, and we could go grab dinner. He said no, he'd be home when I got home...which means about 45 minutes after me. I know how this goes everytime.
So.. I'm upset. I thought he said he'd make more time for me. I thought after only three days I wouldn't be constantly waiting around. Well, he calls me on my way home.. and I mention that I'm irritated, but it will pass. He asks why, and I said.. "I really don't want to discuss this because it will lead to a fight". Said I'd be fine and it'd pass. He insisted I tell him.
Calmly, I said.. "I'm just upset that I'm still waiting around for you two days in a row.. when you said things would be different". A reply that I expected would have been, "I'm sorry honey, I'm on my way" or something along those lines of normalcy. Instead, this is what I got. No joke.
"You're such a fu$$king Bi$ch!" - Then, I got about 20 minutes of screaming in my ear. I kept saying, calm down, I don't want to fight. I got mad that he was disrespecting me and told him to talk to me when he could be nice. That led to, "YOU FU%%KING APOLOGIZE TO ME NOW. YOU GET DOWN ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES AND TELL MY FAMILY YOUR SORRY AND YOU LOVE ME" "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT JENNY. YOU'VE DONE THIS AND NOW WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS" "IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A FU%%KING BI$CH" Then he proceeded to break up with me.. and say, "YOU STUPID FU%KING C%NT!"
I WAS BLOWN AWAY! No idea what happened. So then, because I didn't say how very sorry I was, he broke up with me. HE THEN ASKED FOR THE EARRINGS BACK. When I said no, he said, in a very sinister voice, "Oh, I'll get you back sweety" and hung up on me. I'm actually scared. I texted him and said the earrings were a gift, to which he replied they weren't a gift.. he gave them to me to make me happy because a junkie friend of mine stole them. That'd he bill me for replacing my speakers, and that he now hated my guts.
Then, about four hours later I got, "You're so cold. Thanks for everything. You won't see me anymore, no one will, I'm done". He blocked my number, so not like I can reply.
I'm SO blown away. I can't take this crap anymore. Are there people who don't act like this? Has anyone had something similiar happen to them?? He yells at me out of no where, very, very often. I can not handle it anymore. Yet, I'm laying in bed without him, and I'm missing him. What's wrong with me? Maybe I shouldn't have been so controlling and upset that he was making me wait.. but I didn't deserve that reaction. Not at all.
I'm scared to date again. Scared to let myself love again. He's damaged me. I'm growing stronger though. I know that this is not something I ever want to tolerate. It's nothing new. I've been putting up with this behavior for over a year. I let him do it, but I don't know.. which is why he hates me.
Please offer advice. I'm falling here. I'm really sad, angry, hurt, confused and alone... Thanks..
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coffeedrinker, you are reading my story. Its true. rinse, lather, repeat. Same drama. Except I would question things and bury it inside until I had to ask him if he was happy. Then he would always blame me for doubting things. One of the only times we really fought (another bad sign) was towards the end and he said
"I cant handle this conversation one more time" And thats when I FINALLY said "Yea well I think you have a drug problem and THIS isnt working. So yea, I cant handle this conversation either."
Its just a vicious cycle of denial, acceptance, denial, acceptance. The problem was we were both in denial of a problem. I'm not anymore. He can stay in that land of denial. I hope its as cushy as his jail cell.
"I cant handle this conversation one more time" And thats when I FINALLY said "Yea well I think you have a drug problem and THIS isnt working. So yea, I cant handle this conversation either."
Its just a vicious cycle of denial, acceptance, denial, acceptance. The problem was we were both in denial of a problem. I'm not anymore. He can stay in that land of denial. I hope its as cushy as his jail cell.
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Jenny~
Its ok. Youre off the ride now! Be happy. This guy is bipolar and who needs that crap? No one. I've been down the same road as you. Blamed for stuff I didnt do when HES the one that needs to look in the mirror. Codependents care too much about others. I know I did. I dont anymore. I CARE FOR PEOPLE THAT CARE FOR ME. Sounds selfish, but hey, if I dont look out for me, who will? I dont need people that drain me, make me feel bad. He's making YOU feel bad because HE feels bad about himself and drowns his feelings in drugs. WAY TO BE A MAN! Dont let him manipulate you. Dont apologize. You did nothing wrong. I would always apologize for bringing up the discontent I felt but you know, those were MY feelings and I will NEVER let anyone make me feel bad about that EVER AGAIN.
I will feel however I feel and thats that!
You will be sad for awhile, but when the fog clears, you will breathe a sigh of relief.
The drama is over. My suggestion is to do some self reflection to recognize how you got here. I know I personally look for the "bad guys" Im attracted to them.........but thats how I ended up here.
Find out what your reasons are. You'd be surprised how subconsciously you sabotage your own well being sometimes. We all do it.
Hugs and prayers,
One day at a time,
YOU ARE STRONG!
Its ok. Youre off the ride now! Be happy. This guy is bipolar and who needs that crap? No one. I've been down the same road as you. Blamed for stuff I didnt do when HES the one that needs to look in the mirror. Codependents care too much about others. I know I did. I dont anymore. I CARE FOR PEOPLE THAT CARE FOR ME. Sounds selfish, but hey, if I dont look out for me, who will? I dont need people that drain me, make me feel bad. He's making YOU feel bad because HE feels bad about himself and drowns his feelings in drugs. WAY TO BE A MAN! Dont let him manipulate you. Dont apologize. You did nothing wrong. I would always apologize for bringing up the discontent I felt but you know, those were MY feelings and I will NEVER let anyone make me feel bad about that EVER AGAIN.
I will feel however I feel and thats that!
You will be sad for awhile, but when the fog clears, you will breathe a sigh of relief.
The drama is over. My suggestion is to do some self reflection to recognize how you got here. I know I personally look for the "bad guys" Im attracted to them.........but thats how I ended up here.
Find out what your reasons are. You'd be surprised how subconsciously you sabotage your own well being sometimes. We all do it.
Hugs and prayers,
One day at a time,
YOU ARE STRONG!
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man....how we put ourselves on the back burner.
to not make waves.
to "help" our loved one through his/her anguish.
to keep the peace, waiting for the battle to end.
jenny,
i know you're worried about someday wanting to trust and love again - but you don't need to go there right now. jumping into a new relationship (and i know you're not doing that....yet) is not the cure. but we can't help but wonder.
i suspect he's not done with you yet. i suspect he'll show up again one day, expecting you to be the good ol' jenny you have been each time this has happened.
if and when he contacts you, if you find yourself talking to him, maybe tell him that the instant he curses at you, raises his voice, or calls you a name, you will simply hang up. then you do it.
it sounds like there's more than just alcohol going on with him. out of control.
i'm sorry you went through that. what a world of hurt. but maybe you needed to.
to not make waves.
to "help" our loved one through his/her anguish.
to keep the peace, waiting for the battle to end.
jenny,
i know you're worried about someday wanting to trust and love again - but you don't need to go there right now. jumping into a new relationship (and i know you're not doing that....yet) is not the cure. but we can't help but wonder.
i suspect he's not done with you yet. i suspect he'll show up again one day, expecting you to be the good ol' jenny you have been each time this has happened.
if and when he contacts you, if you find yourself talking to him, maybe tell him that the instant he curses at you, raises his voice, or calls you a name, you will simply hang up. then you do it.
it sounds like there's more than just alcohol going on with him. out of control.
i'm sorry you went through that. what a world of hurt. but maybe you needed to.
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Coffeemaker.. why do you say you suspect he isn't done with me yet? Because this cycle never ends? I definitely don't want to date anytime. I need to enjoy me, and to be honest.. I do. I have no restraints anymore. I've lived over the past year of my life in CONSTANT fear. I can't see, talk to, or do certain things to not upset him. He has instilled a great fear in me, and I need to work through these issues now. I didn't realize how much he's damaged me, along with my three exes before him. I have to say, ultimately he's the worse. Like you newlife, I've always picked men with issues, or wrong for me. You suggest that if he comes back, tell him that if he raised his voice I won't talk to him, etc. I've actually started doing that.. and I did it last night, and you know what he said.. "You're worse than you've ever been". I don't get how he thinks, and I never will. I know why he thinks I'm worse though, it's because I do not cry and beg for him like I did before. That's what makes me cold.
newlife.. why do you say he's bi-polar? Have you ever dealt with a bi-polar person before? I've been questioning if he truly is or not for an entire year now. I truly believe he is. I'm just wondering why you say that. Classic behavioral signs?
"He's making YOU feel bad because HE feels bad about himself " - do people really do that. I'm so naive to the good in people. Is this a conscious effort?
I want to thank you both so much for talking to me, offering me advice and supporting me. It feels so great to be able to connect with others.. and just vent. I can't thank you enough!
newlife.. why do you say he's bi-polar? Have you ever dealt with a bi-polar person before? I've been questioning if he truly is or not for an entire year now. I truly believe he is. I'm just wondering why you say that. Classic behavioral signs?
"He's making YOU feel bad because HE feels bad about himself " - do people really do that. I'm so naive to the good in people. Is this a conscious effort?
I want to thank you both so much for talking to me, offering me advice and supporting me. It feels so great to be able to connect with others.. and just vent. I can't thank you enough!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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well put cynical one. Its true, we teach others how to treat us. Im ashamed that I allowed my ex to let me sit in a corner day in and day out while he got high.
Its embarassing to be honest. I put HIS feelings in front of my own EVERY TIME.
I think he may be bipolar just for the signs. Im not really sure. Theres obviously some deep issues here. My ex has social anxiety and ADHD and he preferred to "self medicate"
I think thats just an excuse personally.
I think right now you need to get your big girl panties on and stay firm.
Thats what I had to do. No more should I or shouldnt I.
Stick to a decision to either stay or leave. Once youre firm on that, you can start moving forward.
From what I can see, living w/ someone that makes you afraid is NOT ok.
Ive been there. For 4 years I was there.
My ex before my ex was a liar and I found out some scary stuff about him too.
If you really feel afraid, dont file a restraining order. It does no good. Tell people around you. Start carrying mace. Dont go obvious places he knows about alone. etc etc
I hope this helps.
Guys can be real JERKS but....we dont need to take it one day more. And thats the beauty of it all.
Its embarassing to be honest. I put HIS feelings in front of my own EVERY TIME.
I think he may be bipolar just for the signs. Im not really sure. Theres obviously some deep issues here. My ex has social anxiety and ADHD and he preferred to "self medicate"
I think thats just an excuse personally.
I think right now you need to get your big girl panties on and stay firm.
Thats what I had to do. No more should I or shouldnt I.
Stick to a decision to either stay or leave. Once youre firm on that, you can start moving forward.
From what I can see, living w/ someone that makes you afraid is NOT ok.
Ive been there. For 4 years I was there.
My ex before my ex was a liar and I found out some scary stuff about him too.
If you really feel afraid, dont file a restraining order. It does no good. Tell people around you. Start carrying mace. Dont go obvious places he knows about alone. etc etc
I hope this helps.
Guys can be real JERKS but....we dont need to take it one day more. And thats the beauty of it all.
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It's true that I let him treat me this way. It's true that I'm putting an end to it. I just can't say it's very easy to stay firm all the time. I really believe I'm finally at my end with him though. I suppose talking about it makes it easier to accept and move on. The more I express his insanity, the less I want to ever deal with it again. No more excuses. None.
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I agree. Thats why I go on here. I heard a couple sad breakup songs while I was out tonight. I felt crazy but I couldnt stand to hear them. Then I spiraled back into "I wonder what HES doing or where HE is or who HE is with." Frankly why should I care??? For all I know, he's probably growing barnacles in his basement from smoking too much weed. And thats where he can stay.
Right now, Im actually contemplating moving to Hawaii when Im done w/ my LPN.
Get as far from this loser as I possibly can.
Hindsight is 20/20. Im SO THANKFUL I took those stupid rose colored glasses off!
Right now, Im actually contemplating moving to Hawaii when Im done w/ my LPN.
Get as far from this loser as I possibly can.
Hindsight is 20/20. Im SO THANKFUL I took those stupid rose colored glasses off!
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jenny,
in the most recent post about him, you said he raged at you, then said "i'm done" and blocked you. so i said i suspect he will be back, because yes, that's the pattern. he acts in an unacceptable manner, you call him on it, you guys fight, he rages, you shrink back and feel responsible, he has you where he wants you, repeat.
it's super hard to get inside the head of an addict. he is just not rational, so you cannot reason with him. period. he's also used to the dynamics of your relationship - it's been established. he would have to do SUCH a turnaround, get intensive therapy, been completely clean and sober for a long time, to even START to be able to relate to you the way you have wished, and expected, that he would.
so, yeah, you're totally doing the right thing. i hope you can discontinue contact with him. oh, and hang on to those earrings. you may find out one day that he was the one who took the originals.
in the most recent post about him, you said he raged at you, then said "i'm done" and blocked you. so i said i suspect he will be back, because yes, that's the pattern. he acts in an unacceptable manner, you call him on it, you guys fight, he rages, you shrink back and feel responsible, he has you where he wants you, repeat.
it's super hard to get inside the head of an addict. he is just not rational, so you cannot reason with him. period. he's also used to the dynamics of your relationship - it's been established. he would have to do SUCH a turnaround, get intensive therapy, been completely clean and sober for a long time, to even START to be able to relate to you the way you have wished, and expected, that he would.
so, yeah, you're totally doing the right thing. i hope you can discontinue contact with him. oh, and hang on to those earrings. you may find out one day that he was the one who took the originals.
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Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Well I keep crying, so I ended up at this site to remind myself why I left. It helps a lot, minimizes the pain a bit. You're right coffeemaker, he sent me a message yesterday saying he loved me so much and he didn't understand why this was happening. Then he called, and I hit ignore. He's not trying to get back together with me. He changed his status to single on facebook, which he never uses, and as silly as that sounds, it speaks volumes for him. I know he's finally come to accept this is the end of our relationship. He only called me because he was having a weak and lonely moment, just like I tried to call him an hour ago. I don't want him back, I just wanted to hear his voice. It's a sick game. I'm pretty weak, and this is incredibly hard. I'm not sure I have the strength in me to fight it. I want nothing more but to cave in and beg for him back.. but, I won't. I'm not going to.
This is so hard. I feel so empty, lost and confused. I know in time I will hear from this, I really do. It's just ridiculously painful, as everyone knows. The only cure to my broken heart lies in his arms... I just don't want to move anymore. Go anywhere, see anyone. I want to sulk in my bedroom and just cry my eyes out. I really need to vent here because I've got nothing else to turn to...
As for the earrings.. I know he didn't take the original ones. He was really upset they went missing. He was pretty devastated himself, because they meant so much to us both. Trust me, I won't be returning the new pair.
I know the only way it'd ever work is by exactly what you said. I also know, he'll never get there. He's 30 years old, and he's been an alcoholic for the past 15 years. Nothing is going to change. Not for me to witness, at least.
I know I'm dwelling on this. I may even be annoying people with my sappy, stupid little posts. I just need an outlet to express my sadness, and hope something helps me feel better.
I'm feeling really down on myself. I realize how much he has damaged my self-worth and esteem. I've been made to feel like an idiot by him. Cold, manipulative, and like no one will ever love me. Everything is finally weighing down on me. I haven't cried in the longest time. I've been so indifferent to my emotions, but they're unleashing. I just can't stop crying still.
It will be better... It will.
This is so hard. I feel so empty, lost and confused. I know in time I will hear from this, I really do. It's just ridiculously painful, as everyone knows. The only cure to my broken heart lies in his arms... I just don't want to move anymore. Go anywhere, see anyone. I want to sulk in my bedroom and just cry my eyes out. I really need to vent here because I've got nothing else to turn to...
As for the earrings.. I know he didn't take the original ones. He was really upset they went missing. He was pretty devastated himself, because they meant so much to us both. Trust me, I won't be returning the new pair.
I know the only way it'd ever work is by exactly what you said. I also know, he'll never get there. He's 30 years old, and he's been an alcoholic for the past 15 years. Nothing is going to change. Not for me to witness, at least.
I know I'm dwelling on this. I may even be annoying people with my sappy, stupid little posts. I just need an outlet to express my sadness, and hope something helps me feel better.
I'm feeling really down on myself. I realize how much he has damaged my self-worth and esteem. I've been made to feel like an idiot by him. Cold, manipulative, and like no one will ever love me. Everything is finally weighing down on me. I haven't cried in the longest time. I've been so indifferent to my emotions, but they're unleashing. I just can't stop crying still.
It will be better... It will.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: mn
Posts: 38
hey girl. i've been there and I sympathize.
I am one of the strongest girls you'll ever meet. However.....
being with my ex hurt my self esteem too. I felt like I could never win, like I was never good enough, like I was invisible, and like he never really understood me. I've been cheated on, yet I feel like this relationship was the most damaging to my self esteem because I was caught up in trying to "change him". I thought my love should've been good enough for him to quit etc etc. We all feel it.
I am still on here venting and its been two months.
But...it WILL get easier.
Trust me. I read the above and I was like yea yea sure. You say eventually but I want to feel better now!!! We love instant gratification.
The best advice I can give is let it all out and go easy on yourself.
Get to some f2f meetings! I still try to make f2f and I notice when I haven't gone for awhile.
I am up right now even, having a hard time sleeping because I can't fall asleep easily these days. But the thoughts are more rational now. I dont beat myself up anymore. The fog has lifted.
Make some friends on here.
I would encourage that the majority of the venting occur on here or in meetings because those people understand better and have more tolerance for the stories lol
My other friends don't understand what it's like to date an addict.
I hope that this helps. Feel free to vent away. Its good therapy!
Oh, and kudos to you for walking away. You won't regret it.
I am one of the strongest girls you'll ever meet. However.....
being with my ex hurt my self esteem too. I felt like I could never win, like I was never good enough, like I was invisible, and like he never really understood me. I've been cheated on, yet I feel like this relationship was the most damaging to my self esteem because I was caught up in trying to "change him". I thought my love should've been good enough for him to quit etc etc. We all feel it.
I am still on here venting and its been two months.
But...it WILL get easier.
Trust me. I read the above and I was like yea yea sure. You say eventually but I want to feel better now!!! We love instant gratification.
The best advice I can give is let it all out and go easy on yourself.
Get to some f2f meetings! I still try to make f2f and I notice when I haven't gone for awhile.
I am up right now even, having a hard time sleeping because I can't fall asleep easily these days. But the thoughts are more rational now. I dont beat myself up anymore. The fog has lifted.
Make some friends on here.
I would encourage that the majority of the venting occur on here or in meetings because those people understand better and have more tolerance for the stories lol
My other friends don't understand what it's like to date an addict.
I hope that this helps. Feel free to vent away. Its good therapy!
Oh, and kudos to you for walking away. You won't regret it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Newlife, might I ask what has made you so strong? Was it how you were raised, or something you've given to yourself?
Oh, i know what you mean about the venting... I didn't want to bother my friends anymore with all that crying. I just read someones post about how they're getting negative feedback.. and they're parents finally got sick of hearing it so much.. that's ALL my friends and family. I just can't even really turn to them anymore. I have to cry alone.. talk to myself, or come here
You say f2f meetings... are you going to a general therapist, or what? My last therapist quit seeing me because I denied AA. I didn't feel I was an alcoholic. I drink, sometimes more than others.. but really, even through this break up, I've hardly had anything to drink. For once, I'm comfortable being sober and feeling and dealing with my emotions in the proper manner. I'm a little scared to go back to therapy, because I was really upset she shut me out because I denied AA. I wanted help to dive into my childhood and discover WHY I drank, or why I was bulimic, or why I was a pothead, or why I needed men... I didn't need the help to stop doing it in that time, I needed the help to know WHY, and she just denied seeing me anymore... With that, I was discouraged.
You say you can't sleep easily.. do you drink a lot of caffeine during the day? Do you exercise much? Is it just general stress, worry and heartache keeping you up?
Oh, i know what you mean about the venting... I didn't want to bother my friends anymore with all that crying. I just read someones post about how they're getting negative feedback.. and they're parents finally got sick of hearing it so much.. that's ALL my friends and family. I just can't even really turn to them anymore. I have to cry alone.. talk to myself, or come here
You say f2f meetings... are you going to a general therapist, or what? My last therapist quit seeing me because I denied AA. I didn't feel I was an alcoholic. I drink, sometimes more than others.. but really, even through this break up, I've hardly had anything to drink. For once, I'm comfortable being sober and feeling and dealing with my emotions in the proper manner. I'm a little scared to go back to therapy, because I was really upset she shut me out because I denied AA. I wanted help to dive into my childhood and discover WHY I drank, or why I was bulimic, or why I was a pothead, or why I needed men... I didn't need the help to stop doing it in that time, I needed the help to know WHY, and she just denied seeing me anymore... With that, I was discouraged.
You say you can't sleep easily.. do you drink a lot of caffeine during the day? Do you exercise much? Is it just general stress, worry and heartache keeping you up?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: mn
Posts: 38
My grandparents raised me right. My mom really wasnt around emotionally and my dad is a deadbeat alcoholic/addict who I havent seen in over 15 years.
I have a good faith base. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I was increasingly upset by the lack of mental connection. Don't get me wrong, I loved him w/ all my heart and him me, but sometimes love just aint enough, like the movie says. His family was like a second family to me. It was extremely tough, but I knew it was gonna be hitting my head against a wall if I tried to change him. I just finally woke up to the effects of addiction and how it was changing me and I said no more.
Its a hard pill to swallow, but one that I find gets a little easier every day.
plus I know what its like firsthand to grow up w/ an addict and I REFUSE to raise my future kids this way. We talked about it when I left and my ex agreed that addiction is no way to raise a child. He just hasnt hit his bottom yet. I also told him that I put up w/ his addiction far too long w/o speaking up. Thats when he apologized for hurting me so badly. But then at that point, I said it was too late. He was headed down the road to bad things and I couldnt go with. He is now operating a grow op.
I wish I would have understood addiction better before I got involved w/ him. I wish I would have known someone that was addicted to pot because I thought pot was a lesser evil compared to alcohol. Boy was I wrong.
But you can't change the past. He helped me to love again. He was a sweet man, I just couldnt let him change me.
I dont know whats wrong w/ your therapist. No good therapist would deny a patient treatment, even if they refuse advice. You dont have to do anything the therapist asks you to do. Thats just plain odd to me.
I go to therapy every couple weeks for myself. I raised my siblings, so I have alot of codependency and anger towards my mother.
It helps me work my issues out.
I have a hard time sleeping because:
I work evenings, go to nursing school full time, and can't seem to get out of my self esteem funk. This is why I dont go back. He hurt me so bad, words cannot express. Its me time now and Im just taking it one sleepless night at a time lol
It can only go up from here. No regrets.
time will put perspective in your situation. One day we will both look back and be glad, its just fresh for us now.
I have a good faith base. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I was increasingly upset by the lack of mental connection. Don't get me wrong, I loved him w/ all my heart and him me, but sometimes love just aint enough, like the movie says. His family was like a second family to me. It was extremely tough, but I knew it was gonna be hitting my head against a wall if I tried to change him. I just finally woke up to the effects of addiction and how it was changing me and I said no more.
Its a hard pill to swallow, but one that I find gets a little easier every day.
plus I know what its like firsthand to grow up w/ an addict and I REFUSE to raise my future kids this way. We talked about it when I left and my ex agreed that addiction is no way to raise a child. He just hasnt hit his bottom yet. I also told him that I put up w/ his addiction far too long w/o speaking up. Thats when he apologized for hurting me so badly. But then at that point, I said it was too late. He was headed down the road to bad things and I couldnt go with. He is now operating a grow op.
I wish I would have understood addiction better before I got involved w/ him. I wish I would have known someone that was addicted to pot because I thought pot was a lesser evil compared to alcohol. Boy was I wrong.
But you can't change the past. He helped me to love again. He was a sweet man, I just couldnt let him change me.
I dont know whats wrong w/ your therapist. No good therapist would deny a patient treatment, even if they refuse advice. You dont have to do anything the therapist asks you to do. Thats just plain odd to me.
I go to therapy every couple weeks for myself. I raised my siblings, so I have alot of codependency and anger towards my mother.
It helps me work my issues out.
I have a hard time sleeping because:
I work evenings, go to nursing school full time, and can't seem to get out of my self esteem funk. This is why I dont go back. He hurt me so bad, words cannot express. Its me time now and Im just taking it one sleepless night at a time lol
It can only go up from here. No regrets.
time will put perspective in your situation. One day we will both look back and be glad, its just fresh for us now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
You're really an inspiration newlife. I can see that you love him, but you've really decided to do what's best for you, despite love. I re-read some of my older posts.. and see how far I've come. The pain is still strong, but I'm not sure it's as painful as it is, when he's abusing me...
Thank you for your words. They really hit home. I'm sorry about your childhood, but you have certainly grown into a wonderful, strong, independent woman! You will continue to inspire me, and everytime I'm feeling weak, I will think of you.. along with everyone else who found the courage to move forward in their life. I cried a lot today.. but it's the only way to finally let go. I have to feel..
Did you cry much? Perhaps I asked, but I don't really recall..
Thank you for your words. They really hit home. I'm sorry about your childhood, but you have certainly grown into a wonderful, strong, independent woman! You will continue to inspire me, and everytime I'm feeling weak, I will think of you.. along with everyone else who found the courage to move forward in their life. I cried a lot today.. but it's the only way to finally let go. I have to feel..
Did you cry much? Perhaps I asked, but I don't really recall..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: mn
Posts: 38
Girl, for the first month I was a wreck. Crying at everything. Not wanting to go anywhere. The ugly cry in my car where I could just scream and scream.
I was so hurt for so long. Couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, you name it.
And then his brother's gf who I was so close to. She wanted to try and stay friends. I finally had to cut her out because she wanted me to go to a bday party for her baby where my ex would be! No thanks!
I finally realized his family was more important to her because she's with his brother.
So I had to cut her loose. I wrote her a terribly sad letter two weeks ago. I just had to get away. I dont want to hear about who he is with next. I know I made the safe, right choice for me, but............It would kill me. Literally. kill. me. I know my boundaries and as good a friend as she is, she had to go.
Plus she invited my ex's mom over while I was with her. That, I thought, crossed the line.
After just two months, it was all too much for me.
And of course his mom doesnt know he's growing and dealing.....so what do you say??? I cant stand by and watch it all and not say anything. I told his brother's gf. Nothing changed. And I don't want to be caught up in his mess.
So I cut them all off.
You do whats best for you. I went to alot of f2f meetings in the beginning. Im better now so I dont have to go as often but i miss it. School is all consuming too which has helped. Take time for you. Im not ready to date. It will be a long time before I enter another relationship.
Im taking this time to figure out why I made the mistake of choosing an addict and what im going to do not to repeat those mistakes again.
Also, I want to be mentally healthy when im in the next relationship. its only fair.
thats not to say i wont be entertaining some mercy dates lol. But just casual. Nothing serious for quite some time.
Im going to enjoy the summer, work my butt off to finish my LPN and figure out what I want in the next man.
I never had a checklist before with someone, but boy do I have one now!!!!
I was so hurt for so long. Couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, you name it.
And then his brother's gf who I was so close to. She wanted to try and stay friends. I finally had to cut her out because she wanted me to go to a bday party for her baby where my ex would be! No thanks!
I finally realized his family was more important to her because she's with his brother.
So I had to cut her loose. I wrote her a terribly sad letter two weeks ago. I just had to get away. I dont want to hear about who he is with next. I know I made the safe, right choice for me, but............It would kill me. Literally. kill. me. I know my boundaries and as good a friend as she is, she had to go.
Plus she invited my ex's mom over while I was with her. That, I thought, crossed the line.
After just two months, it was all too much for me.
And of course his mom doesnt know he's growing and dealing.....so what do you say??? I cant stand by and watch it all and not say anything. I told his brother's gf. Nothing changed. And I don't want to be caught up in his mess.
So I cut them all off.
You do whats best for you. I went to alot of f2f meetings in the beginning. Im better now so I dont have to go as often but i miss it. School is all consuming too which has helped. Take time for you. Im not ready to date. It will be a long time before I enter another relationship.
Im taking this time to figure out why I made the mistake of choosing an addict and what im going to do not to repeat those mistakes again.
Also, I want to be mentally healthy when im in the next relationship. its only fair.
thats not to say i wont be entertaining some mercy dates lol. But just casual. Nothing serious for quite some time.
Im going to enjoy the summer, work my butt off to finish my LPN and figure out what I want in the next man.
I never had a checklist before with someone, but boy do I have one now!!!!
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