Jenny1232

Great question. I would think they would know they're the ones causing this issue. Suddenly, we don't love them enough. We don't want them anymore. We don't care. We've moved on, etc.

How long has he been your ex? What happened?

Jenny1232

Ugh... so a month later I'm still talking to this fool. Still holding on, hoping. The pills aren't even the issue anymore, it's the DRINKING. He was so "sick" of me calling him a pill head, that he just gave them away (I do believe him), BUT, since he gave all his pills away, he's a freaking drunk.

We haven't gotten back together, but we've been talking. I'm his plan B, when nothing else is going on. That call at 3am, because he knows I'm there waiting. I've been blown off three weekends in a row, for him to get drunk.

FINALLY, I blocked his phone number. Sure enough, he used another phone... "please see me, please, I'm sorry I've been a jerk, please, I will do whatever it takes" - This is exactly why I blocked him. I do not want to read those BS messages any longer, because I will be sucked back in. I re-read this entire thread, and my mind-set has taken a drastic turn for MY well-being.

He's been saying - "I don't like who you've become". Well, that's because I don't take your BS anymore. I've stopped making excuses for him. I've stopped crying and begging for him back. I've stopped letting him beat me down with his words. I've started standing up for myself. I've started doing the things that make me happy, without him. He does not like that. He does not like who I've become, because he can no longer control me.

I'm so infuriated. I'm still left sitting here, missing him, wanting him. I'm typing this now to keep convincing myself to STAY STRONG!

UGHHHHHH

Jenny1232

I did think about that... but every bill, doctor, family members I hardly talk to, etc have my phone number. I don't really want to change my number over him. Eventually, he'll let up if I'm persistent.

So.. I'm sitting here thinking/reading. I swear, I feel like he's a psychopath. I feel SO guilty thinking this.. the more I read, the more I see. Maybe he's not full-blown insane, but he boreders it for sure. No, I don't think he's a psychopathic killer, or something of that nature. However, as far as lack of remorse, empathy, blaming others, superficial charm - He's got it all...

Anyone had experience with socio/psychopaths or narcissits?

Christen

Dear Jenny,

First of all, you did the right thing. I am married to a pill addict. And I see lots of similiarities in your story. I understand how much you love him. My motto has become- I married the perfect man for me, but he's an addict.

I don't know if you would consider getting back together with him. I hope not for your sake, but people in love do crazy things. My husband & I were high school sweet hearts, & we met in kindergarten. So I knew him my whole life. I broke up with him a few times because of the pills. But I married him because I was still very naive. I had not attended meetings or read any books on addiction. But to be honest with you, I don't regret marrying him. I really do love him that much. He's wonderful to me. So I understand when you say he's "amazing".

Whether you would consider taking him back or not, I recommend that you attend Nar Anon meetings in person & go to your local library & check out tons of books on addiction. I think it could help you a great deal.

And one more thing- don't let the guilt trips get to you. When they are actively using, I have learned you can't even believe 10% of what they say, including the guilt trips. My husband broke his neck in a car accident, & I always let him get away with him saying he had so much pain. Lots of addicts have legitimate pain, but they use it as an excuse to stay high also. My husband has said a few times (when he was sober a few months) that he has a lot less pain than he thought he had. I think the vast majority of an addict's pain is all in their head. It's a good excuse for them to keep using.

Be strong. And give yourself credit for doing the right thing. I've been there. Make smart decisions. And when he calls and says "I love you, I miss you, I'm sober", don't believe him darling. I'm not trying to be negative, just speaking from my own experiences. If he really is sober, you will be able to tell I promise. Trust your gut, not your feelings. Feel free to send me private messages if you need to talk. We have a lot in common.

Love and Hugs,
Christen

Jenny1232

Thank you Christen. The sad thing about reading your message is how you don't regret marrying him... making me more inclined to want to stay. I'm a sucker for him. He's blowing up my inbox today about how very sorry he is. How he took me for granted. How he can't lose me, etc.

WHY DO I FALL FOR THIS? I'm ignoring them. At least until I can think more clearly. I don't want to cave in. I just don't know what to do.

May I ask how much your husband used? Has he sought at treatment? Is he in denial at all? What is his personality like, on and off of them?

I'm not concerned about him being sober at the moment.. He's an alcholic. So yes, at this very minute while he's working, he's sober. I just don't know how much more I can take of this insanity. I'm trying dearly to detach, but it's so hard.

Thanks for your words... I'm feeling miserable right now. I don't trust anymore. I don't want anything to do with ANYONE. I think I'm depressed...

I have a good friend.. she's a junkie. She'll do any and every drug. So, anytime she comes over, I hide my prescription pills (again, I have chronic pain. I hardly take the pills, but use them for emergencys). Well on Friday, I went to grab my diamond earring my boyfriend bought me for christmas.. they were gone. I bawled for over an hour straight. He is the only guy who's ever gotten me jewelry. He didn't work most of the winter due to limited work available.. and he made sure to buy those for me. It was the only thing he got me, and they're now gone. I accused my friend of stealing them, telling her she was a junkie and I've seen her lie and manipulate everyone else, and I was foolish to think she wouldn't me. I've known her 12 years... never thought for a second she'd do this. She swears up and down she didn't. I can't say for sure. I just want nothing to do with ANYONE.

Maybe it sounds stupid - but those earrings meant the world to me. They were the last bit I had left of him. They were the only thing he got me, because he knew how badly I wanted nice jewelry.

He's gone. My junkie friend is gone. My precious earring are gone. My sanity is gone. My happiness is gone. I really want nothing to do with anyone.. just want to be left alone.

How do I get out of this funk?

Kelrunran

I'll just say it one more time - YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! About six weeks ago I had to kick my son out of our house. He was clean for six months then relapsed. Hardest thing was watching him walk out that door with his stuff. Now I'm wishing his girlfriend would break up with him, because that will help him get closer to the bottom!

Enjoy yourself and try to find the comfort of doing the right thing. Be proud that you were brave enough to take a step to get him closer to recovery, if he so choses!

We're never alone because our higher power will keep them and us company!

coffeedrinker

yeah, i was about 90% convinced mine was actually a psychopath (not killer) because SO MANY of the behaviors were in line with that. it was incredibly painful. "was loving me just made up?" "do you only use people - even your only child that you claim to love more than anything?" "were you just pretending when you wrote beautiful things?" and on and on.

the addict's personality mirrors that of a psycho/socio path when in active addiction. it's cause feeding that addiction trumps everything else. i've seen it with my own eyes: someone who can be repentant, sane, generous - go to completely self-absorbed, irrational, manipulative, a cheat.

honey, the longer you stay in contact, the longer this thing with your two stays alive. you went no contact for awhile. you can do it again.

Jenny1232

I'm a sucker. Maybe it's being naive. Maybe it's seeing the good in people. Maybe it's giving people too many chances. I'm just a sucker...

I heard my dogs going off last night, and I walked out to the living room and I saw him there handing my brother something to give to me. I walked outside to talk to him (because I had been debating being weak and calling him... and there he was). He had gone and replaced the earrings someone stole from me. I know the technique.. I know why he did it. BUT, those earrings were very important to us both, and I thought it was incredibly sweet.

Yes, the sweet-mean cycle.. I know. I watched him cry and beg for another chance. My heart can't so no..

coffeedrinker

Did you make a decision? Sometimes, to gain clarity, we just need time.

Maybe you can tell him that he needs time, and you need time. Time to be with yourselves, time to think, time to forge a new and healthier relationship, time to get a clearer head with more sobriety. Time to work on yourselves, to be better people individually, before you can come together again and be a better couple.

With me, no contact was the most wretched when:
* we had so much unresolved stuff
* i thought it might be forever

A plan like that might help to ease your angst.

Jenny1232

I did make a decision... I truly do want to be with him. I just try and convince myself I don't to make this all easier to deal with. He said he felt like he'd really lost me this time, and he'd taken me for granted and that he did NOT want this. It just feels right when I'm in his arms. I've had several boyfriends, but I can honestly say I have never felt the connection, the passion, the love that I share with him, with anyone else. After the first day I met him, I came home and said to my mom, "I'm going to marry this guy". It sounds silly... but it's completely different with him.

Actually, I still want time. I want to be WITH him, but I also want to take time for myself. I plan to continue on my path of recovery from co-dependency. I plan to work out, eat right, and still do the things I love, while making time for my friends.

Thank you for your advice.. Call me stubborn. I just really want to be with him. We've been apart for a month now and I so long to have him back. I really see things a lot more clearly now, then I did then. I know I contribute to the mess, throw fits and act irrational. Those meaningless fights just aren't worth it anymore...

Jenny1232

Mmmph... Good recall Anvilhead.

It's the sad truth behind us. I guess I'm secretly hoping that, this time it will be different. Who's to say this time is ANY different though? Oh man, that was a kick to the gut.. a shot of reality.

I'm just hoping... this time, things will be different. That we can cling to the positive/happy times. I know I've changed. As far as not letting him talk down to me, hold me back, etc. I'm going to continue loving him, BUT, also loving myself and doing what makes ME happy.

Maybe that will show, and he'll do the same.

Wow, I feel really silly now. It's so easy to get caught up in his whirlwind of love and emotions... He knows exactly what to do and say to hook me, and reel me right back in..

Oh my god, what if he is a socio/psychopath? What have I done?

newlife24

I know just how you feel. I thought I was going to marry my ex. But then I took my blinders off and realized that he is REALLY flawed. No matter how nice, he does NOTHING w his life. no goals, no ambition.
No morals anymore. He is dealing drugs.
What an awful life to lead.
I hated the rollercoaster so I got off.
Its been hard flying solo again, but, I know its for the best.
Even when I have my moments of weakness, thats when I come on here and vent.
I dont want that life. At all.

cmhcali

I believe my exabf to be a sociopath in many ways. He did go to detox and try to get sober for me (wrong person to get sober for). He relapsed and a friend in the program told me he is not done writing his story and hopefully it has a happy ending.

That is what helps me when I get weak I just remind myself that he is still writing his story and I pray he has a happy ending and I am grateful it will not be with me. The lies, the lies the lies. I will never miss them. I dont miss the pain or the worrying. He was not worrying about me or my whereabout or feelings so why would I want to waste so much effort when I still had a beautiful story to write myself.

Best of luck it is not easy to let go but it can be done

newlife24

cmhcali~ I LOVE that response. Its true they dont worry about us. Its OUR time and SHINE we will!!! Great post!

Jenny1232

Thanks so much. I think it helps more when someone says they can relate. I know we can all relate in one way or the other...

Newlife.. what's your story? When did you break up? I was talking to my bf last night about his back pain (he quit taking pain meds) and he told me his back hardly hurts anymore. He said he's amazed at how much his pain has lessened. I just wanted to laugh and tell him that when you abuse medicine, the pain comes on ten times stronger, and it's all in your mind. Instead, I simply told him I was very happy to hear that and I hope it stays that way. If his back pain goes away, I honestly don't see him abusing pills. I do however, see him drinking until the day he dies. He always tells me, "I'd never drink around my kids" or "once I have kids I won't smoke cigarettes" I'm just like.. why not stop BEFORE you have kids? I don't believe it... at the same time, he can easily cut off alcohol when he needs to, he just always finds his way back to it. I HATE IT... BUT, I'm the same way. I grew up with alcoholics, I've been an "addict" my whole life... I abuse things too. Putting two addicts in a relationship SUCKS, especially when one wants a better life, and the other doesn't.

" know just how you feel. I thought I was going to marry my ex. But then I took my blinders off and realized that he is REALLY flawed. No matter how nice, he does NOTHING w his life. no goals, no ambition.
No morals anymore. He is dealing drugs.
What an awful life to lead.
I hated the rollercoaster so I got off.
Its been hard flying solo again, but, I know its for the best.
Even when I have my moments of weakness, thats when I come on here and vent.
I dont want that life. At all. "

It's amazing how much I can relate to that ALL. I feel like he has no ambition in life. Who wants to JUST live for their next high, etc? DO SOMETHING. BE SOMETHING. He holds a decent job, he's highly skilled and intelligent in every department, but he has NO hobbies. I can't stand it. Find something you love, and do it. He's a GREAT artist and very creative. I've asked him to draw for me, make me something.. something. He started making me a necklace out of a rock we gathered on a hike... he filed it down with tools..and it's now in the shape of a heart, but he's not finished. Will he ever? Egh.

I'm just needing to vent. I love him dearly, and he truly means well. I know how much he cares about me. I still feel like he's a psychopath.. I'm just waiting, hoping I'm wrong.

I feel very mean saying all of this.. I'm glad others can relate/understand...

Jenny1232

Wow, Anvilhead.. You are wise. You offer great insight. It's very true, what you say... You're right.. What he's doing isn't good enough for me. Isn't that MY problem though? Isn't that part of my unrealistic high expectations of people? Part of my control tactic? There comes a point when you need to accept things about people, and I'm trying. He's really not a bad guy. He's got a big heart, and he cares very much. He's so sweet to me, gives me back rubs because I'm in chronic pain... etc. So.. shouldn't I accept some flaws? I mean, I've got mine too. I throw temper tantrums. I scream and cry. I accuse. I yell. I cry. I act downright CRAZY! Maybe.. I want to be accepted too.

I'm not sure where you draw the line, really. I will observe him like you say. I'm definitely kind of detached already, and just trying to feel this out again. Thank you for your advice, I will follow it...

newlife24

Jenny~
Heres my shortened version~Found my ex growing pot. Left him.
Told his brothers gf and they arent doing anything about it. Its in his AUNTS house!!! It makes me furious and more so because he never told me!!!! I could have gone to jail for that!
He has been smoking since he was 16. This disease came WAY before me. I thought it was a phase. Definitely not!
He said the same thing. He actually told me the best he can do for me is to quit smoking around me...HA! Thats right before I found out he was growing so OF COURSE he wasnt going to cut down!
He also said he doesnt have a reason to quit smoking because he doesnt have kids. Thats when I was done. Like hello??? Im not a sufficient reason to quit. thats the manipulation talking. Putting off quitting and making excuses.

I told him that hes a manipulator when I left. He blamed me at first for not being happy enough in the relationship (which I wasnt). I would question the relationship every few months feeling like HE wasnt happy when really it was ME.
I stopped feeling things towards him because he would NEVER open up.
We would argue about this. He says he's had this problem w all his exs. WELL DUH! WONDER WHY???
He puts everything behind the pot and I was sick of it. It was my reason to leave. I had been planning to leave for a couple months prior. He had been acting distant (found out its because of the stash) so I wanted out.
Then of course when I left him, he cried and cried but ya know what I said??
Im sorry but its too late. And it really was. He hurt my self esteem by never opening up to me. He hurt me in such ways he nor I may never even realize.
Its a terrible thing addiction. It steals your very soul and those around you too.
I hope this helps! feel free to ask more ?s

newlife24

ps I have to add, he was a great person too. He was kind, gentle, loving, and affectionate. Just not enough of the time. It was those glimpses of time that kept me in it. He was like jeykl and hyde. terrible rollercoaster ride.

Jenny1232

GOSH! The only thing I can say today is WOW! I relate to everything I read! I give you major props for walking away! You realized you deserved better, and you went with it! How long ago did you say you left him? I've read so many different things, I'm getting confused. Two months of no contact? Or Last March? Sorry. You said since he was 16.. how old is he now?

Even after leaving him, he hasn't offered to change? I'm sorry for your pain. I took my boyfriend back, and I can't help but question whether I made the right decision. All I can say.. is my pain is gone. I no longer feel a void. I no longer walk in a daze.. so I'm not sure. I shouldn't have to question it though.

So, what are you doing to help yourself heal? Besides, these forums of course!!

newlife24

thanks! yea its been two months NC. I wrote him a letter stating that unless he got clean i didnt want to wait around for him. I told him that he changed me into someone I didnt want to be anymore. I told him that my dad was an addict and I couldnt raise my future kids to be that way. He apologized and said he never realized how much he had hurt me over all this time. But I knew that was the manipulation talking. We dont speak now. He and I are VERY stubborn. He knows if I walked away, I meant it.
I was BEYOND FURIOUS when I found out. I told him that he could screw up his own life, but I would NEVER let him ruin mine.
I was extremely firm on my grounds and even told his brothers gf under no circumstances am I looking to reconcile. I was put through enough. I dont want addiction in my life ever again.
He started smoking pot when he was 16. He's 26 now. Thats 10 yrs of addiction that I cant reverse. He gave up doing the things he loved. He only wanted to sit around and get high. He had no ambition for life WHATSOEVER. Never would go out and be social (d/t his social anxiety which is made 10x worse w/ pot)
I got sick of the struggle. They say in Alanon when youre too sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was tired of feeling an icky feeling in my stomach. I knew it was the scapegoat for me to finally end it.
He isnt going to change. Hes a straight up bonafide pothead. Hes told me when we met that he would never give up pot. Back then I didnt date anyone that did it and thought pot "wasnt that bad"
I think sometimes its WORSE because it steals your soul. Youre emotionless.
Its so depressing too!
So now, I stay busy w/ school, work, stay out w/ my friends on weekends (those are the hardest times).
I know I deserve better and my ex even told me so. I said I have too many people counting on me and too much going for me for you to do this.
I cant allow it. And he said, youre right you have more going for you than I ever have.
I feel sad for him. He may end up alone the way he's going. Addiction is a dealbreaker now w/ me. Its a progressive disease. And having no ambition in a partner isnt ok either. I want someone that challenges me to be a better, stronger person. Sitting at home with cheetos and family guy just isnt going to change my life. Im a doer, not a follower.
Anyway....sorry for the rant! Hope this helped!