sunnygirl68

I really thought maybe he "got" it this time after losing everything, family, friends, etc. He threw everything he gained in the last 8 months away last night.

I dont know the details and probably dont need to. He called me this morning and told me his alarm didnt go off and he was late to work but would call me later. When I didnt hear from him in an hour I called him back, mainly to ask him if he could pick up our son from school today as I have an appointment. A "ghetto" girl answered and then hung up on me. I called back half in shock and half scared. He answered and attempted to LIE, telling me it was his dispatcher at work...NOT, I'm not stupid and of course I told him so. He told me the same **** he used to in attempt to make me feel crazy and I felt the old deep anxiety coming up from the pit of stomache.
I guess in order to "make sure", I called his mother and asked her if he was there last night...no, he wasnt and she didnt know where he had been.

The next time we talked he told me he spent the night with a friend (A KNOWN CRACK HEAD) at a motel! Oh ok, so what reason did you not go home? Like minded women and drugs right? Of course he would NEVER admit that to me! And I guess he doesnt realize he is acting the same way he used to when he was high, a very "oh well" you dont believe me song and dance! He is caught and I told him that he needed to just let me go once and for all because I refuse to live that crazy life I used to. All I said was just give me my child support and you are free to live your life any way you choose. I hate this for my son...he feels he finally got his daddy back and I KNOW it is only a matter of time before he does something stupid to go back to prison.

OOPS! Here come the tears...I swore I would never cry another one over him!

CAPTAINZING2000

terrible shame for your for your little boy

MsPINKAcres

((sunny))

HUGS to you - somedays it feels the pain and tears will never go away.
Trust yourself to know your truth - not matter what he says, others say, blah, blah, blah!

Take good care of you and your precious son!
Yes, my friend you do deserve to be free of this pain and drama!
HUGS, ( hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita

coffeedrinker

Sunny,

Think about how far you have come. These things happen to us from time to time, we feel those old feelings (the bad ones) and you recognized what was going on!

I'm sorry you are hurting right now.

sunnygirl68

Thanks for the encouraging words...but alas it only gets better..NOT! Got a call from his Mom, apparantly he has a warrant out for his arrest for forgery....wonders never cease!!
Please tell me this is NOT MY PROBLEM!!

I am thinking this is what he will say is the "reason" for his binge...probably headed out of town by now too, if not I've got to buckle down and get ready to say NO, NO NO, when he asks me for whatever rescuing he needs. I HATE THIS!

CAPTAINZING2000

You don't have the power to rescue him? As long as he's in his disease anyway

Freedom1990

This is not your problem.

sunnygirl68

Thanks Freedom...I have to keep saying that over and over!
Funny how you think you are "cured" yourself of codie stuff, but let something pop up and you go into fix-it mode. I haven't let myself get in too deep this time so it doesnt hurt me hardly at all. Big change from the last time I went through this. It is almost a numbing feeling this time.

Tell me something, why does that little voice in my head keep saying "maybe he's really not using, and this is something else?" I was around him all last week and I didnt pick up any kind of behaviors. Looking back, I'd say that this started two days ago. That was when he wasn't calling me all day and didnt ask to "stop by" or if I needed him to do anything. I had told him that I needed some space so I wasnt really worried about it, thought he was just respecting my feelings.
Supposedly he went to his Mom's and stayed there (this was a lie). I know my gut says "USING!!!", but it so hard to wrap my head around the fact that he is screwing up my son's head again!

Cancelled my appointment because I will be picking up my son from practice tonight, IF he is using I dont want him anywhere near him.

thanks so much for the support, I know i cannot tell a soul in my family because they will all say TOLD YOU SO, a leopard never changes it's spots!

MsPINKAcres

For me, I doubted myself, my truth and what I believe to be true, because I listen to his lies, explanations and half-truths for sooooooo long - I began to NOT be able to tell what was real and what wasn't.

I picked up the behavior of not trusting myself - i would naturally believe what someone else said - even tho I KNEW what I was saying was true.

It was very freeing to begin to believe in myself, in my truths and in the facts as I saw them. It's called SELF TRUST! And I don't have to convince anyone else of what I know to be true either! They don't have to believe it if they don't want to - that's their right, but I don't have to give up my beliefs either!
Ahh Recovery - it's a beautiful healthy thing

HUGS,
Rita

sunnygirl68

Japico-I've done so well for so long, been doing my own recovery now for 18 months...but I'm in fear that I'm about to fall off the wagon myself. Gosh I dont know if i can wait until next Thursday for a meeting!!

He called me while I was at lunch, said the PO called him and told him to come into the office in the morning and if he was telling the truth, he'd back him up (I think it is to either arrest him or drug test him) as the information about the check is sketchy. If he doesnt show up the PO will assume that he's lying and violate him.

I think that may be the tell-tell sign if he actually shows up or not. Now once again I feel I have wasted a few months of my life allowing him to be a part of our lives.
I ended the conversation with the fact he lied to me and that is the foundation of a relationship so therefore we cannot have one at this point. He destroyed in a moment what took all these months to build, that just put another cement block around my heart.

I'm reading my codie book and I realize I have to care enough not to care again.

sunnygirl68

Anvilhead, I truly believe that SOMETHING is going on...be it just the addictive behaviors or active addiction, or he picked up a girl last night (which I dont care cause we are seperated anyway) ... I'm going to get my son and I told my ex so and he didnt even try and convince me otherwise. I think even HE knows he's in a spiral right now. He just sounds really down kind of like when you are coming off a high or really depressed. I guess he should be, he might be violating parole, going to jail and getting new charges on top of this one, I'm pretty convinced that he will be hit with a habitual violator if he gets convicted on a new charge...what a waste of a great SOBER guy.

hello-kitty

this is not your problem.

Your story is similar to mine. This is the point where I would quit answering the phone and talking to anyone who has anything to do with your babies dad - his mom, his PO, him... all of them.

Allow yourself the grace to step back from the front row seat for a few days. Re-focus on doing only what you need to do today to take care of the immediate needs of you and your son. You will be greatful for the peace.

Give your boy an extra hug and don't worry. You have everything you need within you. You do not need this ******** right now.

Don't forget to breath. And stick to your boundaries. You are make wise choices.

Peace.

outtolunch

I see nothing but hard earned inner strength in your words.

All things considered, you are holding up well and making sound decisions.

Don't let his spiral be the excuse for your own. You don't need the crap to cope with this BS. Your child is counting on you.

Take back your own power and do what's best for you and your child?
If you do not have a court order for child support, please get one.