tangerinedream

Can anyone who continues to go to al-anon meetings while their loved one is maintaining sobriety explain what they get out of it? Unless I'm trying to deal with one of his relapses/figure out if he's using, al-anon meetings tend to bring me down and make me feel depressed. I feel like they're all trying to convince me to get out of my relationship, or convince me that my boyfriend is lying/using even when he isn't.

I ask because I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, 3 years off and on, and he has been sober for real this time for almost 2 months - we just got in a fight on the phone because my sister saw him earlier today and said she thought he looked high. He got really pissed - it seemed irrational to me - but I don't think he is using and I don't think he has looked high in a really long time. Nonetheless he got defensive and angry and HE just told ME that I need to go to al-anon. Or I "need a support group"

Your thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

coffeedrinker

oh, it takes awhile to really understand why alanon is so beneficial.

methinks your boyfriends knows that you might have some of your own "work" to do, and he cares about you and wants for you some personal growth. if he is newly sober, he's likely on fire about it, and he may want you to experience things from a different perspective.

there is a thing in these circles about not "taking another person's inventory". if he's cranky to you, or runs a red light, or has bloodshot eyes, that's for him to figure out and deal with. if you can look at your own personal inventory and let him worry about his, then you two can come together and related in a much healthier way.

it's also possible that he is not doing so well and he's shifting the focus from him to you.
sorry but i felt i had to say that. it's just part of life with an addict.

finally, if the meetings you have gone to are making you depressed, or if people there have even hinted at you leaving him, something's terribly wrong. i have never, in over 10years, been at such a meeting. go find another one.

Spiritual Seeker

Alanon is to help us keep the focus right where it belongs...cleaning up our own lives.

Ann

Meetings helped me with my codependency. I have been codependent most of my life, just didn't know what it was that made me feel a need to fix everyone, solve the world's problems while never looking at my own.

It was my son's addiction that brought out the worst in me, and if there is a gift in there anywhere it is that it made me look at myself and figure out why I got so enmeshed in things that were not mine to control.

Our program isn't about telling anyone whether to stay or leave, it's about giving them the tools to find their own balance, regain their sanity and learn healthier ways to live.

For me, I need this program every day in my life to keep myself in a good, healthy place...no matter how my son is doing with his addiction.

Hugs

atalose

Al-anon is for YOU, for YOU to help YOU. It has nothing to do with getting and keeping him sober, that's his job. Maybe you feel depressed with the reality that many relationship do not last with this disease and that part scares you. So if you stay away from the meetings and only attend them when a relapse or crisis hits, you'll never understand what you could possible gain from them with regular attendance.

1234

I'd like to echo coffeedrinker's suggestion that you might want to try another meeting if there is one in your area. I've heard that there's a real spectrum, and some are much better than others. I love mine!

1234