aaaargh. please help me! rant/vent.

Old 03-22-2010, 04:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
cessy, I had to come back and ask another question: did he ask you to spend seven hours cooking for him?
Hey chino,

I don't know if that is a literal question or sarcasm, (being serious on my side)...

But if you were seriously asking if he 'asked' that of me, then the answer is yes. We typically have a big dinner on sunday, or we go to a big brunch. This week we had talked about me doing the dinner, and I got up really early to prepare the homeade sauce etc. Apparently he didn't 'fee' like it when the time came to actually eat.

I guess my whole problem, is that I don't 'see' the negative to his pill addiciton all that often.

I guess when it rears its ugly head, that's when I'm reminded of the denial I usually live in... that all is ok.

I typically don't have to be subject to the underlying issues that bother me, yet they still exist.

I have to do something, apparently.

Love,
Cess
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Old 03-22-2010, 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
It's not his home. It's not his stuff inside the home. Those are not his kids. He's a week to week border and pays you rent to sleep on the couch on Sunday, with Tony in the background and in your bed, each night. He's married to someone else.

That you have a FT job, attend school, cook and clean and have parental duties are your choices/obligations, not his.

That you want a nice family dinner on Sunday is your deal, not his.

Oh yeah. He's addicted to pills and doing what addicts do. But you already knew this.

Your expectations and anger suggest that you are not done running the fantasy that you have control over him and the outcome.
I appreciate the honesty... I really do. And I ALWAYS welcome that. With that being said, I really do feel bad enough about myself-- I don't know if allowing myself to feel more humiliated than I already do is productive in trying to fix the situation.

I used to be a really strong girl.--- guess I don't quite know what to do, where to turn, what to say to him. He thinks everything is fine, and if I try to change status quo-- I'm labled 'difficult' or a 'drama queen'.

Maybe it is me.

I can't live with my choices-- and pretty much has left everyone around me thinking I'm a da** moron-- Including myself.

Love,
Cess
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Old 03-22-2010, 05:31 PM
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Oh Cessy. My intent is not to humiliate you.

Here's a dialog from The Wizard of Oz:

Dorothy: Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda: You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas.
Dorothy: I have?
Scarecrow: Then why didn't you tell her before?
Glinda: Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself

It is absolutely true that she had the power all along, but, it is equally true that she had to make a journey before coming to the knowledge, acceptance and belief in the true power she possessed before she could actually use it.
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Old 03-22-2010, 05:48 PM
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Yes, I was being serious. I learned several years ago that sarcasm isn't exactly the most effective way to communicate.

OK, so you held up your end of the deal and he didn't give a rats ass because of addiction, ripping the blinders off your eyes again. The big question is will you allow them to stay off this time?

cessy, I hope you'll come to understand the difference between humiliation and humility. When I humbly came to accept that I had no control over others, I stopped humiliating myself and allowing it from others. I hope that day comes soon for YOUR well being.
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Old 03-22-2010, 05:55 PM
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Aw Outto, thankyou. *tears*. I like that quote a lot. I wrote a letter after reading your first reply to me, I don't know if I have the guts to follow through-- that is the problem.

Anyway, for those who care to listen, please tell me your thoughts/guidence.

Dear ***, I have written you a hundred letters in the past, and I know this one won't be much different to you. But for me, things have changed a lot. I have changed a lot. I don't have 'fun' anymore-- simply because I'm not happy. I chose to wait a very long time, for our situation to 'change', the only thing that has changed is me. I can't give you an ultimadum -- because really, they are uneffective. People need to make changes for themselves because they want to. Cleiarly you don't want a different life-- and that is ok, for you. However, for ME, I want something 'different', I want more. I think you know what I want, but just so we are clear" I want to be loved enough to be a whole part of someones life, I want someone who is 'really' divorced. I want to be a part of my partners family. I don't want drugs in my life, AT ALL, and certaintly not in the body of a person that I am intimate with.

You can't and/or won't give me any of these basic needs of a relationship. Therefore, it has to end. (I know this will be hard for me), because I do love you, but in the meantime, I'm falling apart. I know that I will be a better person without you-- that is not the way it should be in a relationship. I'm sad, hurt, and angry. Between work and school, the kids-- I don't have the energy left-- for heartache. I want to live my life, and things just simply never got better for me with you.

Take time if you need it, (you don't need to be childish and throw your things in a suitcase), it dosen't need to be drama-filled. But at this point, I have to draw the line. You had me from 35- 40. those were some really good years. I can't turn 41 soon, and have this life, it's not working for me., frankly it never has-- I just believed for a very long time, that you would make good on your promises, it just didn't happen.

Love,
Cess
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Old 03-22-2010, 05:57 PM
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At least we aren't alone getting back to Kansas! We just need red slippers, courage, brains, give up our hearts, move the elephants in the livingrooms, get off de Nile in Egypt......in time.......one step.....that first one.....left.....right.....left.....right.......sl ip........ouch......left.....right........
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Old 03-22-2010, 06:22 PM
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Hey Carol, read Jewell614's post..... and the link she got up there!!!

If we, (Dorothy's) had that girls attitude -- we'd be alright!!!!

Holy smokes, that was just what I needed to hear!
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Old 03-22-2010, 06:24 PM
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What does Cessy want? There isn't going to be a magical cure or fix. ABF will not magically get better. Even if he decides to go into recovery, and change his life around, it is a long road ahead. There would be ups and downs and lots of serious work. He doesn't sound to me like he is ready for that. You seem to want things to just magically work. Unfortunately, he can't continue on the path he is taking. He has probably already gotten to where he doesn't really feel a "high" anymore. The drugs just make him feel normal. His brain chemistry has changed. His only way to get a high is to take more and more, which will get him into more and more trouble. He may try to change dosages, change meds, or change how he is getting his drug.

I know all these things because I watched my ABF go from being a "functional" pill popper to having serious issues--stealing, lying, breaking the law, driving while under the influence, etc. He has chosen recovery (for now), but it is not an easy route for either one of us. I have had to change, and he has had to change.

I know that sometimes it is easy for you to push these issues out of your head and figure that you'll deal with them later. The thing is, they really do effect you. You can work all the time, and focus on other things, but the problem with him is still there. I ended up with depression, anxiety, pushing away friends, concentration problems, my own lying problems (to cover up his issues), all to try to continue to be in denial.

Take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you.
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