New here as well
 

I am new here but not new to the addiction saga. I have a 24-year old son who has been using for about 9 years. I just wish I had found this group earlier.

I have allowed my son to live in an outside room at my house for the last 3 years. I employed him for a while but eventually fired him because he was too unreliable. I withdrew from him last June. I gave him no money, no food and didn't talk to him apart from the odd sentence or two. I was hoping that leaving him totally on his own would let him get himself together.

He always told me he uses only weed but I now know he was into much heavier stuff and I was in big DENIAL. This week I found out he is now growing magic mushroom in his room for a supplier. I asked him to leave and he did.

My heart is breaking. I can see how much I have enabled him and how stupid I was to believe his lies. I see how far down he has really gone and I feel such guilt and pain. I am mourning the death of my son. I am finally accepting that the child I knew is gone and that my bright, lovely, funny, intelligent boy has turned into the type of criminal that I have always despised.

The first post I read when I joined was "a mothers pain" and it described my feelings exactly. I mourn the death of my beloved son, but I know it is over for me. No more enabling. I want my life back. I want my happiness and joy back. If only it wouldn't hurt so much.

Thank you all for the posts I have been priviledged to read. The people who recovered show that there is some hope, but that it is not up to me. The people who have gone through this is showing me that I am not alone in this, even though it felt like such a lonely existence for so long.

This truly is a wonderful supportive place. So glad you found us. You will find lots of love and support here. Welcome wheredoiturn

.:ghug3

wheredoiturn,

i think you have chosen a good place to turn. you will find a lot of supportive people here.

my son was selling weed, ecstasy, mushrooms and lsd from the front window of my trailer.
i sat in the living room, completely in denial. until the cops busted through the door terrorizing my two younger children and me, looking for my son. they found nothing, but the whole drama got worse. he started using heroin. i hate to ask my ex husband to get him out. he lived on the streets, then got an apartment with social security, then went to jail many times.
finally, he went to prison for three years. he got sober and started living a life there.
he started tutoring and helping others get their GED.
now, he goes to college, tutors for a full time job, and lives with me.
we agreed any sign of relapse and he is out.
i hope your son will find his bottom and start to climb out.
beth

edited to add:
proud mom must say 3.8 average and he majors in math.
calculus. good god. :c029:

Thank you freefalling.

Wicked, I have lived in hope and got so disappointed so many times that I promised myself I would never hope again, but reading your post just lights a glimmer again. Funny, my son is/was also really good at maths, which makes his up to now wasted abilities all the more sad.

I have read IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME FALL a couple of times now and am finally prepared to do that.

I had to go completely no contact. it was a heartbreaker for me, for a long time, i took on his bad stuff. especially since i was an alcoholic who left him with his father when he was four years old.
i figured it was all my fault. really.
i had to get over that.
and he recently told me, he did not blame me for leaving his dad.
he loved me always, and felt he had let ME down.
wow.
it will be hard, but so far you are doing well.
cant enable him at all.
i did not feel the hope for him until i saw his face when he got out of prison.
he had got it, i saw it in his eyes.
as a recovering alcoholic, i have learned many lessons and continue to learn.
there is hope if they are alive.
but, yes, you must let them fall.
i am sorry.
beth

My STBXAH is the alcoholic/addict in my life. I cannot even start to think what it would feel like when it would be your child. But as Wicked said - there is always hope as long as they are alive. Detachment and No Contact could be a life-saver for you and him. Stay strong. Sorry for your pain.

((((wheredoiturn))))

Another mom here...I also have a son who is an addict. He started using when he was 14 years old, today he is 33.

I know what you mean about mourning the death of your son. I mourn those lost dreams almost every single day. Maybe one day it will feel more distant but right now it is still very painful.

I grieve for him and for me. I remember thinking when my son was born that I would give my life to save his. Now, I realize that the only life I can save is my own.

Sending many hugs your way. None of us signed up for this, that’s for sure.

Thank you once again for your support. Although my friends know about his problem, I don't really discuss it with them and I know they cannot understand this specific pain of a lost life which happens to be the life of someone you would die for as you said, Hunny.

I am so very grateful to have found this place. Just reading other posts about the lies and their ability to manipulate and make you feel sooooo guilty has helped already. Wicked, I am so happy for you that your son has turned himself around. Part of me has to carry on hoping for the same. My son has never held a job for more than 2 to 3 months. He then worked for me for about a year but it didn't do him any good. All he learnt was that he could get away with lots of stuff and get paid for it. I would give anything to have my son a contributing member of society an in a position to assist others.

For now all there is is to let go and let God.

Hello to all those parents suffering.

I am one of those kids that has found myself in the using position over and over again in my past years. I'm 50 now. But what I wanted to say here is: As the one that is using. Whether it be your child or another you know. We as an addict will do just about anything for a dollar to get the drug of our choice (DOC). The drug becomes our friend, lover, support, energy, etc. etc. We pretty much lose the will and desire for anything BUT our DOC in our life.

It isn't you as a parent that has failed. But as the one hindering our recovery you will time and time again try to wake us up to our wrong doings. Sometimes it will work, but most of the time it won't. My addiction started back in 1985 when a doctor put me on opiates for depression. I had smoked marj and drank alcohol up to this point. But this was the drug that my mind and body LIKED REAL WELL. So that's where it all started. Thru the years I've been off and on them. In 1990 I was arrested for script fraud and was admitted to rehab for 30 days. Not long after I got out, I was deployed with my ARNG unit for Desert Storm Deployment. I was deployed in the State and started going out to bars after work. I got back into drinking and then moved in with a couple off post. Come to find out after moving in with them, they had a pharmacy of opiates stored in their home. So I fell right back into my old habits.

This is an addiction that just sneaks up on us. Who would think a prescription of pain meds from a doctor would be a problem? We all know better now, don't we? After 22 years in the ARNG, multiple injuries, every tooth in my head root canaled and multiple surgries, I've been put back on the opiates time and time again.

I'm now 62 days clean off of them again. I have an intense back injury and want a pill almost all the time when I'm doing work around the house. But I keep telling myself the pain will pass and I go sit down a lot to rest when it gets too bad. Because I know if I take one pill I'll want more and more.

The more time I have clean the easier it will get to not want them. But no matter how many times my loved ones have told me to get off of them. It took me, myself and I to make that decision. So don't blame yourself for what has happened to your loved one.

((((wheredoiturn))))

Another mom here...to welcome U.
You have taken a major step to restoring your own sanity...detachment.
Now you can begin the process of changing the dynamic for yourself.

Your son can begin to get as low as he must but w/o you contributing / enabling him to make his life easier than it ought to be. When he reaches the bottom...he may choose to change.
Just as you are choosing to do with your life.

I made close friends with two women I met in al-anon 7 yrs. ago.
One son, a crack addict, was in prison, one a meth addict who ended up in jail facing multiple felonies and my son...barely getting by as heroin, crack, alcoholic wanting to commit
suicide and almost did with overdosing.
The good news is that Today all three are sober: one just graduated college, one works full-time and my son works for the rehab that he attended for 12 mos as an inpatient and 6 as outpatient.
There is hope. There is recovery. OUR best course is to get our own recovery through a program like alanon, detach and get out of their way and be patient.

When your son is ready...you can become a part of his life again.
I have a fab relationship with my son today...but before I often didn't even know where he or who he was for stretches at a time.
I got healthy and eventually he did too. Until he did...we had to go our separate ways. I eventually had to help him find the right program and get him to go... but I knew when he was ready and so did he.

Don't miss out on all the joy in life with worry ....get on with it and one day may your family's situation be different.

What an eye opener this forum has been. Tiredofdrugs, I see for the first time that the reality is the opposite of what I thought it was. I always thought that if I turn my back on him he would be lost forever. I thought as I was his mother he is my responsibility to save. Clearly not and quite the opposite.

Thank you for sharing your success stories. It does give hope and shows where the responsibility lies.

So no contact whatsoever? I am worried that he will come back and yet again promise that he is finished with drugs and that I may not know the difference between empty promises and the truth. You say you could see the difference in his face? Maybe in this all you have that you can trust is your gut instinct?

I could see it wheredoiturn, but I have also been in recovery too.
And, I know you know how the lies are so easy for them, especially when they know we want to believe it so badly.
The choices your son are making now have nothing to do with you really, they are about using. First, Last, and always about using.
Addicts will lie to protect their use. It is all they know right now.
It was also easier to see it in his eyes, because it was the first time in years that he looked me directly in the eye.
Beth

I could tell when my son was sober by the way he was living his life...
When sober he holds down a job without getting fired and going from job to job,
when sober his girlfriend and friends are happy with him, when sober he is not too thin, etc.

Sober or not he always has to support himself and have a job...my house is not an option. He knows he can't run home to momma.