marteen

Just wanted to kick this up front again for someone.

MamaGoose

Can it be made into a sticky? Welcome to parents of addicts

marteen

I don't know - that has to come from "above"!! lol

MamaGoose

bump

dixied

I made my first post tonight and before bed I checked one more time and read your post.........I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.......perhaps I can sleep tonight after all. Maybe I am not totally crazy and ready to just give up . Maybe I can try to hold it together for myself and get me better........just work on me. I have forgotten about "me" for so very long. Thank you for the kindness of your shared thoughts and thank you to all who have responded to me........it is hard to put my whole story out there at once but I will continue to read........thank you.......dixie

mooselips

(((Marteen))))
Fantastic the first time I read it, and fantastic this a.m.
You translated exactly how I feel. Hugs to you, and your daughter....

Thank you.

frazzled

As i read your thread i realized that there are so many mothers like you and me. My son has been an addict since he was 14 or so he tells me now. Ihas taken me a long time to finally realize that I cant change things. He has to be the one to do this for himself. I have tried for so many years to fix things. I now know I cant change or fix a thing. He always knew he could turn to mama if he spent his entire paycheck on drugs. Mama would buy his gas and cigarettes and make sure he had food to eat. No more. He lived with his dad for a couple of months. His dad finally realized that he was using him. Now my son has moved in with a friend. He calls only when he wants something. I have told him that i will no longer talk to or see him until he makes some changes in his life. I told him I loved him but that i had to think of me for a change. His addiction is just that HIS and I am not going to be a part of it. It is hard but I am getting better every day. So to all the other mothers of addicts Hang in there and remember to take care of yourself. One day you may need the strength to help carry you thru the devastation of losing your son or daughter to their addiction....

marteen

((((frazzled))))

Yes, you are so right. I'm glad that you are taking care of you and I pray that your son eventually does the same thing for himself. Someday, I hope we are all strong and able to enjoy our children in sobriety! I pray!

Hugs,
Marteen

lighthouselady

I am new to posting and new to being a parent of an addict. I do not know how you survive. My life has been and is a living hell. My daughter is on the street, I have no idea where she is and no one will help me to find her. She is 17, involved in drugs, prostitution and God only know what else. My second biggest fear is that she will die before she gets out of this life, my first biggest fear is that she will die and I will not know it. I pray daily for her to call me, I struggle daily with fear and panic and helplessnes. I try to be strong but it hurts so much. I feel so alone and I do not understand how she can chose to do this to her family that loves her so much. She was in treatment and doing well for about six months then ran and went back to the life style. She made a concious decision to do that, how can she prefer being a drug addict and prostitute to being my daughter? I would give anything to help her, I would give up my life to save hers if I could. Some days the pain is unbearable.

Ann

Welcome Lighthouselady. My son is an addict and I know the pain you feel because I have been where you are. I promise you that it can get better, we do survive and learn how to live again, and although the pain never really goes away, we find a way to keep it from obstructing our vision by tucking it safely in a special place in our hearts, night next to Hope.

Miracles happen every day, we have several forums here shared by recovering addicts who are the living proof that it can be beaten. The thing is, we never know when that miracle might happen, today or ten years from today, so we say a prayer and ask God to take care of our addict children, and support one another here and at live meetings of Naranon, Alanon or CoDA.

I'm glad you joined us and hope that walking with us will help us share your load and in turn let us share our peace.

Hugs,

marteen

Lighthouselady,

Welcome to SR. Please feel free to start a new thread on our forum so everyone can meet you and respond. Like Ann said, we all help each other share our load - together. Don't walk alone - come join us!

Hugs,
marteen

birthx5

That is a great letter. I agree with you Marteen, my Ad was arrested last week and I see it in a more positive light, as she is off the street and she is not using right now etc.. Most people say how awful and I'm so sorry. What a difference a perspective makes. I would have been on of those "most people" a short 2 years ago!!! These boards and face to face meetings are a lifesaver as well as a renewed faith in my HP!! Thanks so much for that very true letter!

marteen

Glad that you were able to change your perspective since you can't change the outcome. Being a "normie" is very difficult; unless you have walked a mile with the consequences and behavior of an addict, you really can't know.

But we all know here so we can help each other. Sometimes changing perspective is what keeps us sane.

Hugs,
Marteen

MamaGoose

ADVICE TO PARENTS FROM HIGH-RISK KIDS
(Actual quotes from students)

Make the rules clearer. * Parents should present a united front. *Don't give us everything we want.

Don't do everything for us. *Don't give up on discipline.

Don't allow us to control the boundary line, because we'll keep changing it.

Make reasonable consequences, ones that you can keep, then hold to them no matter what!

If you're divorced or not getting along with each other, don't use us as a tennis ball.

Don't discuss the rules with us or ask us if we agree with them or like them -
we don't, but we need them.

Don't lecture for hours - we're not listening anyway.

Don't be afraid to invade our privacy. If we're in trouble, you should read our
letters, check our closets, and check our friends.

Don't let us wear you down.

Practice what you teach - if you get drunk or high, we'll use it as an excuse to get
high ourselves.

Don't make empty threats. * Don't blame our friends, our school, or society for our trouble.

Don't give up on us. * Don't say we're going through a "stage."

Start discipline early on.

Don't fight our battles, smother, or overprotect us. (ex.: If we get in trouble with a teacher, don't go to school and argue with the teacher.)

Don't look the other way.
Don't be intimidated by us, don't back off, and don't walk on eggshells with us.

Don't be afraid to confront us in public if we're being outrageous.

You don't have to prove that we did something wrong. It's not a court of law.

If you suspect us of something, you are allowed to accuse or challenge us, even though you may be wrong. Don't clean our room, for us - that's our job.

Don't let us talk you into leaving us alone at home when you go away - we're probably planning a party. By the way, realize that there is no such thing as a 5-person party -
"parties" are usually 50 people or one guy (girl).

Always check that we're really attending intramural sports, getting extra help, or attending that "chess club meeting" when we tell you that we have to stay after school.

You're not obligated to supply us with money when we go out, especially when we've been acting out.

Don't "baby" us. You're asking us to grow up, but you sometimes talk to us, treat us, like
we're little and sweet - we're not.

Don't keep threatening rehab -just do it.

Don't send us to our room as a punishment - we'll protest to trick you, but we really love it there.

Don't let us bargain with you; don't compromise.

Take time with us to just talk.

Don't leave money out - we'll probably take it.

Don't trust your friends - we may be getting high with them.

Don't say, "It's up to your father (mother)." Don't refer responsibility.

Don't send us to "double check" with the other parent.

Ask for telephone numbers of friends we say we're going to stay with - then call the number to make sure we're really there.

If we've ignored your curfew, don't bail us out when we call you in the middle of the night.

Don't fall for half-truths.
Don't fall for our friends "ass-kissing" act. Sometimes we make pacts to impress
each other's parents. Then you'll trust us and let us go out together.

If our friends offer to help with the groceries or take out the garbage, be suspicious.

It's not a good idea to put our bedroom on the first floor.

Don't fix special meals for us, let us eat at separate times or in other rooms.

Don't let us have our own telephones or TVS.

LEARN ABOUT OUR ADDICTIONS! Learn what drugs took like, smell like,
what we look like, and how we behave when we're using them.

Check the window sills for butts.

Don't give us random money - it's too easy to use it for drugs.

Check the direction of the fan in our room - be suspicious if it faces out toward the window.

If you're looking for drugs, be sure to check light fixtures, under mattresses
(especially your mattress), socks, deodorant containers, etc. - we pride ourselves
in clever hiding places.

Don't let us have locks on our bedroom doors.

Be suspicious if we sleep a lot, have red eyes or runny noses.

Be suspicious when we: wear cologne, use mouthwash, chew gum, wear dark glasses indoors.

Don't fall for the line, "But all the other kids' parents let them..." Stick to the rules.

Don't give an inch! * Believe or not, we want you to catch us, stop us, and outsmart us.

marteen

Thanks, MamaGoose! Some things we just never think about!

Hugs,
Marteen














A day is like an egg, you know
Self-contained within its shell...

CinDad

Thanks for posting an understanding from someone who knows and feels my pain. My son is 25 and is in the denial stage. I have no clue how to help him, started today right here and hoe the support I find will give me dirtections