Satya

Hello,

I have been lurking for the past few days, and have decided to go ahead and introduce myself. I am a single mother to two young children. The addict in my life is my ex boyfriend/fiance and father of my children. I attended a number of face to face Nar-anon meetings a couple of years ago. For the past two years ex has had a girlfriend, so she has been his main enabler.

Recently they broke up, and I started getting caught up with him again. His girlfriend was also initiating contact with me and getting me involved on her end, as well. She was also calling my parents (I live with them) and getting them involved. I started to realize how wrapped up I was getting into this, so started lurking on both this board and the Nar-anon board. I have since told ex and his girlfriend that I don't want to be involved in their drama.

Despite feeling used and lied to by both of them, I am grateful for this experience. I have had some great insights about myself and my relationship to ex. I realized that I was still holding on to the hope that he would get it together, and that we would be a family again. And while I had moved on somewhat, I wasn't letting myself do so fully, just in case he might make a turn around.

Ex was lying to me about his recovery, and saying that he was going on one year of sobriety. I had plenty of doubts about that, but had no evidence to prove otherwise. His girlfriend was lying for him, so she could be in my kid's lives (ex and I had an agreement that he needed to be sober for 9m, before he could have the kids alone and have her meet them.) We are back to doing supervised visits with the kids. Also, he used to come over to my place to see the kids, but I have since decided it is best for us to meet somewhere else. Even though this is more work for me, I have realized how quickly boundaries become fuzzy when he is over here all the time.

Anyway, here I am; mostly lurking.

teke

welcome

you seem to be off to a really good start, keep it up/ you may want to look up those meetings again, other than posting and reading here, you are doing great and its good that you've decided to detach from all that drama.

sounds to me like he's not doing as well with his recovery as you first thought. its her problem now, maybe it really is time for you to fully move on. your life don't have to be on hold just in case he gets it together. if he ever does, you'll probably be one of the first to know.

Freedom1990

Now that is some awesome awareness and recovery working in your life!

When I left my EXAH, I wasn't firm with my boundaries, and he could pull me in so quickly even though we lived over 2 hours away from each other. All it took was a telephone call, and I was in a tailspin for days.

Welcome to SR, and know that you are among people who understand. :ghug3

jewell614

Welcome!!! Read as much as you can in here. So much knowledge and wisdom here.

Satya

Thank you for the welcomes.

I know it is so easy to get sucked back into it. My kids remind me everyday what I am committed to, and help keep me focused and sane.

Jenny1232

Wow - that is exactly me... How did you overcome it?

Jenny1232

Satya,

You don't go into details too much. So, it sounds like you've been broken up for at least two years? Have you not met anyone worthwhile in the mean time? What is it that you cling to about him? Just the idea of mending a broken family, or does he just have a piece of you that can't be given back?

I wish you the best. You seem very strong about the situation.

Satya

I was only 20, going on 21 (29 now) when I met him. I was very young, naive, romantic. He was my first love, and is the only ltr I have ever been in. We have two children together; we belong to the same community, etc. And, as you all can relate to, while it was often hellish being with him, it was also wonderful, at times. I love and care for him, and I have really clung to the hope/fantasy that he would get sober, and our family would be back together. I really believed we were "soul-mates,' and it has been hard to let go of that.

For the past 5+ I have been a mostly solo (we were on again, off again too many times), breastfeeding mom (first my son and now my daughter.) If that in itself doesn't make it challenging to get out, I am also very much an introvert. Plus, I really don't want just any relationship. I wanted us, our family, our community, the dreams that we shared, etc.

sunnygirl68

Satya, I can totally relate with wanting the "soul mate" dream.....I keep hoping there is a better reality out there for me with someone else instead of just that dream!

Satya

Yes, and No. In the past few weeks, because of this whole situation, I had some great realizations about myself. I realized that because of some abuse I suffered as a child, I have learned to be a victim. I would have never have described myself this way, as I am also a very capable, intelligent woman. Yet, I realized when ex invalidated my needs in our relationship, on some level I believed him. When I questioned his honesty and faithfulness, he would say that it was just my issues with trust from my childhood. In reality my intuition about what was going on was pretty darn accurate, but I believed him. For a long time I believed that I was a really untrusting person. Yet, of course, being an addict, he was lying to me all the time! Consequently, I felt crazy. I have since learned to trust that gut feeling. That is only one example of the many ways I allowed him (not knowing any better) to emotionally abuse and invalidate me. He still does it. He tells me I am "sick," because I still have feelings for him. I would call caring about him being human. Yet, just because I love and care for him doesn't mean I am willing to be with him at the cost of my sanity. If I am not careful he will say or do something, and there I am again allowing him to cross my boundaries and treat me like s***. Or there I am again trying to convince him that, yes, my needs are valid.