jewell614

I am missing my exabf sooooo much right now. He has a girlfriend, but I do miss him. We have a 4 month old. I have been soooo lonely. I have a pfa on him, and I think he has tried to contact me, but I was strong, and I have not answered the phone.

I think sometimes just knowing he has tried to contact me, makes me feel better in some twisted way. I don't talk to him, but just knowing he is thinking about me, makes me feel better. He probably isn't thinking about me, but I'm just all messed up in the head today. Some encouragement is needed. PLEASE!!

jewell614

Just to elaborate, he was coming over to my place to see his kids. I didn't feel comfortable with him having his kids. He only stays with the other girl becuase she is an enabler. She lets him smoke crack in her presence, and she accepts unacceptable behavior. I'M SAD!!

Hammerhead

Jewell... this other woman is God's gift to you.... she helps keep him out of your hair so you can put your energy into yourself and your child.

I've never been the jealous type... I always figured if that's where they want to be... they need to go there... but leave me alone.

Just because she lets him smoke crack in her presence does not make her an opponent to you or better than you.... it just makes her sicker. She will get what she settles for and you my dear have already made the decision you deserve better than that!

Try and not let what he and/or she is doing take up your time and precious energy... they don't pay rent to stay in your head.... boot the thoughts out and make sure the door hits em where the sun doesn't shine.

Keep your chin up... you're doing great!

jewell614

He stole formula from our daughter, and I told her about it, and she tried to hide him. Sick doesn't begin to describe her. She accepts him even though he did that to his own child.

Chino

Are you missing him, the person he is now, or companionship?

jewell614

I miss who he used to be. I miss companionship. I miss the way things were before drugs.

Soleus

I know you miss him but you did the right thing, just remember that much. Don't let the thoughts of you missing him cloud your judgement in the matter because it was the right thing. The fact that you have a 4 month old and he's still out smoking crack says it all! I'm sure you want someone to be around and be the father of your child and that's what you're really missing- raising a child together, someone not being there for all those moments. You have someone now who genuinely truly needs you, your baby, and you have to do what's right for her.

I know what you mean about it making you feel better knowing that he's thinking about you, or trying to get in contact. I don't know which is worse- knowing that he thinks about me or him trying to get in contact with me so I can turn him down.

You know the other woman is just a tool for him, you said it yourself an 'enabler' and she is going to have serious consequences for the choices she's made by supporting an addict. You are very strong and you know what you deserve and how valuable you are, you're taking a stand for yourself and determing what you value in life.

I wish you the best today and I hope things get better. Being lonely hurts. Even though I have friends and family I still feel lonely. Even though I've spending time with people everyday the past week I still feel like I haven't spent time with anyone. I know exactly what you mean, and I feel it's companionship. But there are many great guys out there without all the baggage, who can give us what we need. Just a matter of patience until we find them : ) Take care

jewell614

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SOLEUS!! I know I have a baby that needs me, but sometimes my thinking gets twisted, and I have to hear it a million times to get it through my head. YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD.

That's exactly what I needed to hear.

Chino

That describes me and my qualifier is not only my RAD, it's everyone

I'm finally past the hurt of loneliness (for me it's general neediness) and I'm wrestling with getting and staying busy. I've picked up another hobby, I crank up my stereo, and make sure I put on my sneakers every morning. Idle hands are the devils tools and it's the same for me when my brain is idle.

Soleus

You're welcome Jewell, I'm glad that that was some help. It may be awful that he's no longer in your life but he did give you a beautiful child. Repetition is key, I have to come on here often to be reminded of what I'm doing.

jewell614

I need to remind myself thousands of time a day sometimes. I am not alone. It's not killing me. It's only making me stronger. There is no benefit of having him in my life.

It's a very short-term gratification I get from it, almost a high, if you will. I will stay strong. I have to do this for me and my kids. No more lies, dissapointments, hopes and dreams being shattered. NO MORE. I want truth, happiness, and hopes and dreams that come alive.

Soleus

I have to do the same. After spending all day with a friend I'll say say 'man I feel so alone!' and then I have to stop and say what? what are you thinking you just hung out with your friend all day, and you're about to meet up with someone later. It's a different kind of void right now that needs to be filled, it's something that a friend can't fill but that doesnt mean that I'm lonely.

I wonder if there's an issue with 'settling' for someone. Like maybe there's not a whole lot of patience and instead of holding out for the good, best stuff I'm taking what I know now. That's exactly it- no more lies, shattered dreams etc. There is def something out there better than that and it'll come in good time.

teke

hey jewelz, i agree with soleus. i know its kind of hard but i would try not to focus too much on him being with someone who is ok with his drug use. how long do you actually think that will last. you know his addiction will get progressively worse if he don't do what he needs to do to help himself and a new relationship will not change that. from where i sit, instead of him dragging you and your daughter down, he'll now be dragging his new gf.

now what part of that do you miss? its good that you are taking care of you, keep the focus on you and be prepared, i just think you haven't heard the last of him. you and yours are in my prayers

cinderellawkids

This is because she still believes she can help him...In time she'll have enough could take years but she will have enough. Because shes ok with it now, he'll always assume its ok even when she no longer is, then we might find her hear as well.

It sucks, I know it does. My estranged AH doesnt have another woman, but has his mother and for now shes making it all better, hes not using. Sometimes I get angry he couldnt do that with me, but I have to remember, this could change in a second and Im glad I wont be there to see it, and in the meantime the kids see the good him

jewell614

I have to agree. I believed I could help him for so long as well. I know better now. That's what I hate. I hate when they clean up for a while, and why couldn't he do that with me?? He did clean up for a little while when he first met her. That angers me. I invested my time and energy into him. Why can't me and my children have him like that??

I just need to keep moving forward. I don't want to know anything about him right now. Right now I don't know where he is or where he is living.

I just want to know if keeping him from his children is the right thing to do. I have them protected under the pfa. He can't contact me about them either, and if he does go into treatment. I won't know. Am I making a mistake by doing this???

teke

jewelz, sounds like you maybe second guessing your decisions, you are protecting your kids the best you know how right now and if he one day does go into rehab or get serious about recovery, i'm almost sure you will know. why not for now, just take things one day at a time. he can't contact you or the kids right now but that still don't mean he's never gonna try. i know it hurts that you think he's doing good with someone else but remember that addiction is progressive, life long and that relapse can happen at any time, for any reason and last for any length of time. would you now be willing to take that chance?

no matter what happens with them, you have to know that you are on the winning side in all of this. no more waiting, wondering or guessing.jmho