I may be powerless but that doesn’t mean I don’t have Options
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I may be powerless but that doesn’t mean I don’t have Options
I know I am Powerless – I know I have to accept things as they are before I can see if there is a solution – to see if it is even “my issue” to solve? Right?
Cause I’m sure NONE of you are like me – you wouldn’t take on problems of someone else (she said in her most sarcastic voice!! Ha ha ha)
I am powerless over the fact that my 27 yr old daughter has allowed her 30 something non-working, non-contributing, excessive drinking (giving off LOTS of Red Flags for alcoholic/addict tendencies) boyfriend move into her apartment with her about 4 months ago.
Since this happened on 3 separate occasions, he has failed to meet the responsibilities of picking up her daughters (my precious wonderful grandchildren) at designated times as he stated he would. Why because he was “sleeping” – when I saw him – it was my perception that he was hung-over. She says she'll never count on him again - but she does (doing the same thing over n over again - but expecting different results - SOUND FAMILIAR?? - wonder who taught her that?
)
Yesterday she informs me she is being evicted from her apartment – for various reasons – none of which have to do with her not paying the rent – they all have to do with Apartment originally rented to a single mom with 3 kids – now it’s a live-in couple, 3 kids full time and his 2 kids every other wkend, with it not being kept clean, and some issues about the kids not being respectful of other tenants
His son has some disabilities – therefore he is not disciplined in a healthy
manner. This poor boy to try to get attention was eating cereal with his fingers – his father to discipline him – made him eat the rest of his food with his fingers like a dog. My granddaughters mimic this behavior. This makes me very unhappy. Ok – it ticks me off royally!!
I have shared several times that I know my unhealthy decisions affected by 5 daughters. My marriage to my ex AH exposed my daughters to the active disease of alcoholism/addiction. My step-daughters, my daughters and I were never physically “HIT” by this disease – but we suffered emotional, spiritual and mental abuse from the FAMILY Disease of alcoholism/addiction.
I can’t go back and change that fact. I can say that since September 3, 2003 – I have started a path of recovery for myself. I have exposed my daughters and my grandchildren to another way of life. It is their choice to make. To stay in the problem or to seek the solutions.
I Want to force the solutions – I am powerless to do this. My daughter can’t hear what I say –she can see what I do, but hear me – NOPE AIN’T Happening – I might as well talk to my nearest PINE TREE.
In changing what I can – I can help with my grandchildren to try to avoid as much pain for them – but I have to do it in BALANCE – I have to respect their Mother’s choices.
Some days that is really hard – to be perfectly honest – most of the time I really just want to pick up those precious little girls and bring them home with me permanently. Tell my daughter if you choose to live IN THE PROBLEM, IN THE INSANITY, and IN THE UNHEALTHINESS – go ahead – but I’m taking the girls out of it. (like I'm so great I think I could do such an AWESOME JOB-what if I mess up??)
That’s where I struggle with am I controlling or protecting?
Hmm – don’t know – guess I’ll just have to continue to seek the God of my understanding’s guidance and wisdom.
Somedays recovery just gets harder and harder
HUGS TO all,
Rita
Cause I’m sure NONE of you are like me – you wouldn’t take on problems of someone else (she said in her most sarcastic voice!! Ha ha ha)
I am powerless over the fact that my 27 yr old daughter has allowed her 30 something non-working, non-contributing, excessive drinking (giving off LOTS of Red Flags for alcoholic/addict tendencies) boyfriend move into her apartment with her about 4 months ago.
Since this happened on 3 separate occasions, he has failed to meet the responsibilities of picking up her daughters (my precious wonderful grandchildren) at designated times as he stated he would. Why because he was “sleeping” – when I saw him – it was my perception that he was hung-over. She says she'll never count on him again - but she does (doing the same thing over n over again - but expecting different results - SOUND FAMILIAR?? - wonder who taught her that?
)Yesterday she informs me she is being evicted from her apartment – for various reasons – none of which have to do with her not paying the rent – they all have to do with Apartment originally rented to a single mom with 3 kids – now it’s a live-in couple, 3 kids full time and his 2 kids every other wkend, with it not being kept clean, and some issues about the kids not being respectful of other tenants
His son has some disabilities – therefore he is not disciplined in a healthy
manner. This poor boy to try to get attention was eating cereal with his fingers – his father to discipline him – made him eat the rest of his food with his fingers like a dog. My granddaughters mimic this behavior. This makes me very unhappy. Ok – it ticks me off royally!!
I have shared several times that I know my unhealthy decisions affected by 5 daughters. My marriage to my ex AH exposed my daughters to the active disease of alcoholism/addiction. My step-daughters, my daughters and I were never physically “HIT” by this disease – but we suffered emotional, spiritual and mental abuse from the FAMILY Disease of alcoholism/addiction.
I can’t go back and change that fact. I can say that since September 3, 2003 – I have started a path of recovery for myself. I have exposed my daughters and my grandchildren to another way of life. It is their choice to make. To stay in the problem or to seek the solutions.
I Want to force the solutions – I am powerless to do this. My daughter can’t hear what I say –she can see what I do, but hear me – NOPE AIN’T Happening – I might as well talk to my nearest PINE TREE.
In changing what I can – I can help with my grandchildren to try to avoid as much pain for them – but I have to do it in BALANCE – I have to respect their Mother’s choices.
Some days that is really hard – to be perfectly honest – most of the time I really just want to pick up those precious little girls and bring them home with me permanently. Tell my daughter if you choose to live IN THE PROBLEM, IN THE INSANITY, and IN THE UNHEALTHINESS – go ahead – but I’m taking the girls out of it. (like I'm so great I think I could do such an AWESOME JOB-what if I mess up??)
That’s where I struggle with am I controlling or protecting?
Hmm – don’t know – guess I’ll just have to continue to seek the God of my understanding’s guidance and wisdom.
Somedays recovery just gets harder and harder
HUGS TO all,
Rita
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Awww, Rita, its just hard watching anyone we love live like that, but we both know that your daughter has the same lessons to learn that we had to learn and we didn't learn them by listening to our mamas.
She knows you love her and your grandbabies, that's a good start.
Now this may be the codie in me coming out (yes, there is still a codie in there somewhere), but I think if it was my daughter I might drop off a copy of "Codependent No More" and maybe "Language of Letting Go" and hope that one day she takes time to actually read them...and then let go.
I'm sending big hugs because it sounds like you need them, and hope that one day soon your daughter's life gets better.
More Hugs
She knows you love her and your grandbabies, that's a good start.
Now this may be the codie in me coming out (yes, there is still a codie in there somewhere), but I think if it was my daughter I might drop off a copy of "Codependent No More" and maybe "Language of Letting Go" and hope that one day she takes time to actually read them...and then let go.
I'm sending big hugs because it sounds like you need them, and hope that one day soon your daughter's life gets better.
More Hugs
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by Ann 
Now this may be the codie in me coming out (yes, there is still a codie in there somewhere), but I think if it was my daughter I might drop off a copy of "Codependent No More" and maybe "Language of Letting Go" and hope that one day she takes time to actually read them...and then let go.
just asking - ha ha ha ha ha
Remember I am a recovering THROWER!!!!
I have offered her copies of Al-Anon literature, given her pamphlets, and offered to watch the girls while she goes to meetings. Also one of my recovery friends sends her readings too.
So she is being exposed to the info -
thanks for the suggestion - I appreciate it bunches!
I know she is walking her own path and I'm praying daily to stay in my OWN garden!!
Thanks,
Rita
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Well dang! I should have know you'd be one step ahead of me here. 
Actually, I love that she has all this material already.
So, she knows where help is when she is ready. That's more than I knew early in the game.
Trust the process, her HP is working in her life and so just stay out of the way and let it all unfold.
OR...you could arrange for one of the meetings to be held at HER house...Naaaah, I guess not.
She'll be okay, she has you as a good example of how this all works.
Hugs
Actually, I love that she has all this material already.So, she knows where help is when she is ready. That's more than I knew early in the game.
Trust the process, her HP is working in her life and so just stay out of the way and let it all unfold.
OR...you could arrange for one of the meetings to be held at HER house...Naaaah, I guess not.
She'll be okay, she has you as a good example of how this all works.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Rita,
I second Ann's suggestion specifically about "Codependent No More". I was young when I read it, with two small children in tow, and it really affected me greatly. I had had so much focus on my (now ex) husband that I didn't see how badly I'd been affected until finding myself saying yes to nearly every one of Melody Beattie's Codie checklist items! She is young, and probably her heart is hurting and she's feeling defensive. But that book was SO helpful to me, I hope you can find a way to share a copy with her. Good luck!
I second Ann's suggestion specifically about "Codependent No More". I was young when I read it, with two small children in tow, and it really affected me greatly. I had had so much focus on my (now ex) husband that I didn't see how badly I'd been affected until finding myself saying yes to nearly every one of Melody Beattie's Codie checklist items! She is young, and probably her heart is hurting and she's feeling defensive. But that book was SO helpful to me, I hope you can find a way to share a copy with her. Good luck!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I didn't see how badly I'd been affected until finding myself saying yes to nearly every one of Melody Beattie's Codie checklist items!
I share this so you know that if there is hope for a "heels dug in" codie like me, there is hope for your daughter.
More hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I might as well talk to my nearest PINE TREE.
LOL!! LOL!!
There is a big tall pine tree in my neighbor's back garden I can see out my window while lying in bed. Many a dark night of the soul I have stared at that pine tree and it has calmed my mind and brought me solace.
Just sayin', you might want to talk to a pine tree. But not out loud. And not when anyone is looking!!
peace & ((((hugs))) to you -
b
LOL!! LOL!!
There is a big tall pine tree in my neighbor's back garden I can see out my window while lying in bed. Many a dark night of the soul I have stared at that pine tree and it has calmed my mind and brought me solace.
Just sayin', you might want to talk to a pine tree. But not out loud. And not when anyone is looking!!
peace & ((((hugs))) to you -
b
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Darn it, Japic, I'm sorry your daughter is going to have to learn in her own way and own time about Codependancy!
Boy o boy, the b/f sounds like a "winner!" As far as I'm concerned, you have the patience of Jobe, 'cause I know if I had to put up with someone like that, I would end up in jail!!! SOunds pretty much like a jerk to me.
That said, I guess you just have to sit back and wait till you daughter asks for advice??? Hopefully she will soon. At that time you can possibly suggest she kick his butt out! LOL or, go the softer route and explain how she has to take care of herself and children and protect them from this dysfunctional behavior.
Peachtree may have answered yes to all the checklist items in Melody's book, "Codependant No More" but I actually was the person she interviewed and got her ideas from for the book! I was sure I shared that with you all before. LOL
I do believe when spending time with the girls I would always throw in something like, "eating cereal with your hands, is not acceptable behavior, and sometimes adults get frustrated and don't know how to handle certain situations, and end up making poor decisions."
I hope things get better for your daughter.
Take care of those precious little girls!
Hugs, Devastated
Boy o boy, the b/f sounds like a "winner!" As far as I'm concerned, you have the patience of Jobe, 'cause I know if I had to put up with someone like that, I would end up in jail!!! SOunds pretty much like a jerk to me.
That said, I guess you just have to sit back and wait till you daughter asks for advice??? Hopefully she will soon. At that time you can possibly suggest she kick his butt out! LOL or, go the softer route and explain how she has to take care of herself and children and protect them from this dysfunctional behavior.
Peachtree may have answered yes to all the checklist items in Melody's book, "Codependant No More" but I actually was the person she interviewed and got her ideas from for the book! I was sure I shared that with you all before. LOL
I do believe when spending time with the girls I would always throw in something like, "eating cereal with your hands, is not acceptable behavior, and sometimes adults get frustrated and don't know how to handle certain situations, and end up making poor decisions."
I hope things get better for your daughter.
Take care of those precious little girls!
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 52
Just big hugs japic. She'll learn her lessons the hard way...just like we did. Oh how I would do things differently if given the chance to do it again. But then I realize I wouldn't be where I am today - while I still have a lot of challenges I'm so much healthier and happier than I've been in years.
And this reminds me of a funny story with my daughter. I was really frustrated the other day and she says - "Mom isn't this the point where you close the computer and say this must be the universe telling me it's not time to do this right now...or one of those other wacky things you always say?"
The point is even though we watch them make so many mistakes and it really hurts sometimes - she's listening and we're getting thru even though it doesn't often feel that way.
And this reminds me of a funny story with my daughter. I was really frustrated the other day and she says - "Mom isn't this the point where you close the computer and say this must be the universe telling me it's not time to do this right now...or one of those other wacky things you always say?"
The point is even though we watch them make so many mistakes and it really hurts sometimes - she's listening and we're getting thru even though it doesn't often feel that way.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by starrynite
And this reminds me of a funny story with my daughter. I was really frustrated the other day and she says - "Mom isn't this the point where you close the computer and say this must be the universe telling me it's not time to do this right now...or one of those other wacky things you always say?"
The point is even though we watch them make so many mistakes and it really hurts sometimes - she's listening and we're getting thru even though it doesn't often feel that way.
The point is even though we watch them make so many mistakes and it really hurts sometimes - she's listening and we're getting thru even though it doesn't often feel that way.
I am working hard on keeping the window of communication OPEN between us - just for reasons like last nite when one of the grandbabies was in a minor scrape and she called to find out exactly how to take care of her and what to watch out for -
She asked for my advice on taking care of her daughter, and I shared my e, s, & h. Then I said "Honey, that's what ReeRee's are for. Call me whenever you need to."
Then she said "thanks mom, you're the best"
And I'm thinking - nope I'm not the best - just a woman who has learned thru a WONDERFUL program of recovery to MIND MY OWN BUSINESS and to only OFFER suggestions when asked!
Thanks to each of you for helping me learn that and PRACTICE IT !!!
HUGS,
Rita
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by Bernadette
Just sayin', you might want to talk to a pine tree. But not out loud. And not when anyone is looking!!
Classic!!
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