Contact with XAH's parents....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 24
I think your letter back to them was great and to the point. Good for you!
I understand the pain you are going through with his family looking at everything from the point they do. I'm having the same problem. In my situation, I know he is there son but they do not take his problem serious. Also, in the 16 years we have been together, I have been there for his family more than he has or ever will. Its bad enough that our addict blames us for everything but it hurts just as bad for other people we care about to blame us too.
Just keep moving forward! If they want to act that way, they don't deserve you anyhow!!
I understand the pain you are going through with his family looking at everything from the point they do. I'm having the same problem. In my situation, I know he is there son but they do not take his problem serious. Also, in the 16 years we have been together, I have been there for his family more than he has or ever will. Its bad enough that our addict blames us for everything but it hurts just as bad for other people we care about to blame us too.
Just keep moving forward! If they want to act that way, they don't deserve you anyhow!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I am not trying to stir anything up, hoping this takes a little sting out of that card:
I had a close and loving relationship with my x-in-laws as well. The door was slammed shut after he moved out - one time they pulled into the driveway to pick up my children, and she sat in the car. I was hurt and a little angry at what I considered her lack of a balanced viewpoint, forgiveness (for the situation, not me) etc.
I spoke to a friend about my hurt feelings once - I mean after all, wasn't he the one who screwed things up? And she simply said "he's her SON. she LOVES him. she is just in pain".
About a year later, his brother died suddenly. Still caring for my x and his family, I asked him if it would be ok for me to travel to their town and attend the funeral. He said "I think my mom would like that." I said "no, you need to ask her". So he did, and I was welcome. I sat in the family pew next to my ex, held his hand during the procession. Right before I left town the next day I left a note on their front porch. Told them how much I missed them and "____" (name of town) and being part of their family. Gave them sympathies for the loss of their son. It completely turned our relationship around. Once she wrote me an email explaining that she felt bad shutting me out, but she hurt so badly over our divorce.
You're right; this was not a birthday card. But your birthday gave her an opportunity to try and explain that she cares for you and is hurting over the sitch. Her having a broken heart was not, I think, casting blame. If your xah is not "working a program", I saw denial. But I did not read "blame"
I had a close and loving relationship with my x-in-laws as well. The door was slammed shut after he moved out - one time they pulled into the driveway to pick up my children, and she sat in the car. I was hurt and a little angry at what I considered her lack of a balanced viewpoint, forgiveness (for the situation, not me) etc.
I spoke to a friend about my hurt feelings once - I mean after all, wasn't he the one who screwed things up? And she simply said "he's her SON. she LOVES him. she is just in pain".
About a year later, his brother died suddenly. Still caring for my x and his family, I asked him if it would be ok for me to travel to their town and attend the funeral. He said "I think my mom would like that." I said "no, you need to ask her". So he did, and I was welcome. I sat in the family pew next to my ex, held his hand during the procession. Right before I left town the next day I left a note on their front porch. Told them how much I missed them and "____" (name of town) and being part of their family. Gave them sympathies for the loss of their son. It completely turned our relationship around. Once she wrote me an email explaining that she felt bad shutting me out, but she hurt so badly over our divorce.
You're right; this was not a birthday card. But your birthday gave her an opportunity to try and explain that she cares for you and is hurting over the sitch. Her having a broken heart was not, I think, casting blame. If your xah is not "working a program", I saw denial. But I did not read "blame"
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Thanks for sharing that Coffee. You're not stirring anything up at all and i am glad to hear you were able to mend fences.
I hope that happens for me someday.
Thanks.
I hope that happens for me someday.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
i was thinking that maybe i disagree with the idea or firm belief that you won't have the satisfaction of telling your side. in time, what you have said and done will be referred to or recalled in the memory chip of inlaws brains....years from now when their son has worn them out. it took 11 years for me to see this with my ex-inlaws and their son, but i'm watching it from the front row with a big'ol bucket of popcorn (just to keep my mouth full of something to avoid saying "I TOLD YOU SO!!") muuuwaaahaaahaaa
That's funny Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by sofacat 
Well I just got a birthday card from Mr.Sofa's parents.
Let Me say that they have not talked to me ONCE since we separated. It's been bugging the crap out of Me. This will be the SECOND time they have turned their backs on Me since they found out the severity of their son's addiction.
I called a few weeks back and left a message on their voice mail telling them that I love them and if they ever want to call Me, I am here.
This was written in the Birthday Card that was supposed to be for Me:
Sofa~
Thank you for your message. To be honest, I couldn't call you as it is too painful. Your break up with Mr.Sofa has broken our hearts. But it's in God's hands now.
We are extremely proud of Mr.Sofa and how he got right back up and is working His program.
We wish you every success and happiness.
Now....
Was this supposed to be a Birthday card for Me? Or a way for them to let Me know how disappointed they are in Me for sticking to my bottom line?
URGH!!!!!!!!!! I wrote a long e mail to them last night and then deleted it.
They need help and support. They have NO tools on how to deal with this and at some point will bury their Son if they carry on like this.
I want to talk to them....but I'm afraid I will be in "the dance" again if I do.
Any thoughts? Anyone?
It's really been bothering Me and I am not sure how to let this go.
Let Me say that they have not talked to me ONCE since we separated. It's been bugging the crap out of Me. This will be the SECOND time they have turned their backs on Me since they found out the severity of their son's addiction.
I called a few weeks back and left a message on their voice mail telling them that I love them and if they ever want to call Me, I am here.
This was written in the Birthday Card that was supposed to be for Me:
Sofa~
Thank you for your message. To be honest, I couldn't call you as it is too painful. Your break up with Mr.Sofa has broken our hearts. But it's in God's hands now.
We are extremely proud of Mr.Sofa and how he got right back up and is working His program.
We wish you every success and happiness.
Now....
Was this supposed to be a Birthday card for Me? Or a way for them to let Me know how disappointed they are in Me for sticking to my bottom line?
URGH!!!!!!!!!! I wrote a long e mail to them last night and then deleted it.
They need help and support. They have NO tools on how to deal with this and at some point will bury their Son if they carry on like this.
I want to talk to them....but I'm afraid I will be in "the dance" again if I do.
Any thoughts? Anyone?
It's really been bothering Me and I am not sure how to let this go.
I was actually forbidden to speak to my ex's parents, even while we were still together.
In my experience you will be in 'the dance' again if you do.
The last time I made contact with them, my ex phoned my and tore me a strip up one side and down the other.
Not worth the stress.
I pulled their daughter out of the gutter, helped her through rehab, was there for her, paid her rent, even cooked her meals.
Yet I am the *******.
It sucks and it's not fair. But our ex A's do love to vilify us, don't they? It's the only way they can save face.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Happy Birthday Sofa! Sorry that had to occur. Thats rather selfish of them.
They are in denial, you know it. It was easier for them to let you be the one to put up with the addiction then have to look at themselves in the mirror and deal with it.
Addiction is progressive and it will be pounding on thier door soon demanding attention.
Maybye then they will take those rose colored glasses off and see him for what he is. An addict. Lets hope that happens before they enable him to an early death.
Hang in there my sister in pain.
Your course is the right one, don't let yourself be swayed.
Hugs,
Teggie
They are in denial, you know it. It was easier for them to let you be the one to put up with the addiction then have to look at themselves in the mirror and deal with it.
Addiction is progressive and it will be pounding on thier door soon demanding attention.
Maybye then they will take those rose colored glasses off and see him for what he is. An addict. Lets hope that happens before they enable him to an early death.
Hang in there my sister in pain.
Your course is the right one, don't let yourself be swayed.
Hugs,
Teggie
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