What do you say when people ask?
 

What do you say when people ask you about the addict in your life? I broke up with my addict boyfriend and when I tell people they of course wonder what happened. I want to tell them the truth, say that he's a recovering addict and he has personal things to deal with but at the same time I feel like thats too much information. At the same time, by not telling the truth I'm still feeding into his addiction and lies. Last year when we were together I never told anyone what was going on, I lied and protected him which I understand is part of 'enabling'. It still doesn't seem like something you should tell people though but it's not like people don't already know something is going on. I'd feel so much better just by telling people and letting the truth be known so I don't have to hide in his lies again. The few people that I have told have been very supportive of me and haven't made it awkward. It would just be liberating to get it out in the open so people can understand instead of just me half a** 'oh, we just didn't work out' attempt. Why should I have to lie for him? I never should have done it in the first place.

Are you honest with your friends and family who ask? Doesn't it make you feel better to be able to be honest for once instead of living in the dark with the addict in your life? I mean- these are consequences they bring on themselves.

i agree with anvil. if not that, maybe you decided "it just wasn't working for you". is that not the truth?

Yes, thats kind of what I was going with. My relationship with him seperated me from all the people I was close with. I put all my time into trying to save him that I let my other relationships fall to the wayside. I guess I wanted to get it all out to explain what happened to me that year we were together. I suppose it doesn't matter though, I can just let everyone have their own conclusions and not worry about it since I'm not with him anymore although I do know most peope didn't like him and could tell there was something wrong with him. I was blinded and didn't see it so I guess I also wanted to let them know they were right and I understand why they stayed away from me during that time.

But 'it didn't work out' does just as well, lol.

imo, your friends may just want the best for you, it probably won't matter to them "why" either. i would think what matters most is that its no longer happening, whatever it was, and that you are now free to be back in their lives again.

Just say it didn't work out. You were on different paths. Nuff-said.

I always say she's finding her way. Last summer a sister-in-law wouldn't let it drop. She kept asking if that was OK with me, do you approve, yada yada yada, and I kept repeating she's finding her own way. This SIL is a teacher with a national board certification and appears to think it gives her license to teach/instruct everyone.

When she walked away from me in disgust, I couldn't help but think she has control issues :D

you seem to have the desire to elaborate. even without spewing forth all kinds of details, you could still say "it just wasn't working out for the best for both of us; i felt like i was losing myself and he also need to grow more. without me"

i mean, i think you can strike a balance. usually you tell closer friends more details. maybe if you confided in one or two people that would feel right.

I had an idea when I was reading this thread.

I've been really affected by not only the behavior of the alcoholics in my life, but by the behavior of their "codependents". I've felt the pain and rage when the codependent ignores loved ones (me!) while obsessing over the alcoholic. In one of the situations, the codependent explained things and apologized. It really meant a lot to me. This disease has such long nasty disgusting tentacles - spreading sickness all over relationships. Yuck!

Anyway, you said that you let your relationships fall by the wayside, I recognized myself there, so I wanted to share. In my case, knowing the real situation was a good thing.

1234

I remember feeling alot the way that you described. I always needed to talk about it and try to make everyone understand both me and my son, but then I started going to Alanon regularly and sharing there. For some reason, after a while, I didn't seem to need to tell anyone else about any of it and I didn't feel the need to always explain everything to anyone anymore. It might be worth a try for you too.

It has been about a year and half for me since I left my ex AH. I usually say:

"It was finally time for me to pursue a safer and saner life for me"

The majority of people have let it at that - a few others pry a little more, some I can share more, some I don't. Those whom I'm not comfortable sharing more information I try to say . .

"Out of respect of everyone's anonymity, I really don't think anymore should be said"

Those who are really pushing for info have PUSHED and finally I just had to say

"I really don't think that is any of your business"

It completely shocked the crowd we were in (not to mention it shocked ME that I actually said it too!!!!) But apparently this person tends to do this to several people - a few in this crowd came up to me afterwards and said "I hope to be able to say that same thing to her one day"

So just follow that inner guidance from your HP about what is HEALTHY and RECOVERY Oriented for YOUR Peace, Serenity and Healing - that's what I have found has worked for me.

HUGS,
Rita

I, too, think you have to strike a balance. I know I really needed to talk and tell my side with my addicted daughter. She had everyone believing that she had her life together. The people that knew me well could see that something was wrong and couldn't figure out what in the world was wrong with ME.

I finally decided to open up with a few of the people closest to me. Lord knows I needed someone to talk to. Just so happened that one friend was going through the same thing with her son, had been trying to hide it from everyone and needed to talk to someone, too. So you never know.

I guess the balance would be that if you need to talk and the person asking seems genuinely interested in having an answer deeper than your standard surface answer, then talk. If you think they are just being polite, or want information for gossip purposes, then give them one of your standard answers.

Bottom line....take care of yourself and do what you're comfortable with. Because you are right that you shouldn't shoulder any more of his burdens.

Good luck. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

thank you
 

thank you all for your replies. Definently gives me some insight in creating a boundary between who I should tell. It depends on if it's someone whos genuinely interested or if it's someone who would just turn around and use it for gossip. Thanks for all your thoughts : )