ajangels2

Every now and then it seems I lose my place in my recovery and things get shaken up and out of whack. I have had several losses in life these past few months and it has been difficult for me to pick myself up and dust myself off and start over again. I feel tired and defeated lately. God has a plan for me but I feel like I'm being kept in the wilderness much longer than necessary. My AH has had several relapses over the past few months as well. Recently, we have been fighting and it has gotten very bad. His temper and my temper seems to be getting worse and worse with each other. It has been over a year that he has not worked and we have been struggling financially. I have been trying for over 5 months now to get a full time job and just when I had an offer it was rescinded because of one criteria I did not have.

Now my AH wants to leave the home and the marriage. I have mixed emotions about this. Some good feelings and some bad feelings. Another loss not just for me but our kids. He does this frequently though. When things are not working out he bolts. Now that he is close to finding a good paying job that he can support himself in I find it perfecting timing that he wants to leave.

I have been involved in this addicted relationship for far too long, and it is difficult if not almost impossible to have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. I feel like my program and recovery is unraveling here because of fear. Fear of the unknown, how will I take care of my kids? How will I be on my own as a single mom? All the what if's and fears really cause me to doubt myself. However, staying in a relationship where I am told I am wonderful one day and then the next day I'm crap is also very confusing.

It's confusing for the children too and I have such guilt over that. I feel like I screwed up my life by choosing such an unhealthy person to have children with. What chance do they have now of being healthy individuals themselves with two screwed up parents. They are the people I love most in this world and I feel like I've doomed them. I know God loves them too. I know he watches out for them, but I cannot help but feel bad about their little hearts being broken over and over again. What do I do with this guilt?

Thanks for listening... peace.
AJ

MsPINKAcres

((AJ))

Oh my precious friend - I can so relate to some of those feelings you are having - It is a difficult battle within ourselves - the fact of our choices do affect our loved ones, what we tolerate so do little ones in our homes, how we act so will those around us sometimes, what we paths we walk, our children may walk those same paths -

That is a heavy burden to carry, AJ - What is helping me as I walk this road is that my daughters have been exposed to a lot of UNHEALTHY THINGS in their lives due to my choices, to my ex ah's choices, some many of the problems due to the Family disease of alcoholism/addiction . . .
BUT they have also been exposed to the SOLUTIONS also

YOU and your AH have both been given opportunities to use the different 12 step programs of SOLUTIONS

Maybe he may not choose to stay in the Solution - but that doesn't mean that you don't. I have seen you continue to grow in your recovery, your faith and your ability to trust in yourself.

WE may have shown them unhealthy things and yes, we may make mistakes and show them unhealthy actions but today we have the ability to stop and say "Maybe that wasn't the best thing to do - I believe I will try something that works in a more productive and healthier way for me today"

Today, my 5 girls are all grown and living their own lives. Some are still living in a very unhealthy, miserable place - surrounded by the active disease of alcoholism/addiction and their own "isms" of this disease - my grandchildren are being affected by their choices. It breaks my heart, but I know they have a GOD and it's not ME.

They are walking their own path - they could have been on this path even if they had never been exposed to this disease as a child.

Some of my girls have walked away from the unhealthiness of the disease and are doing well taking back their lives - One Day at a Time -

AJ, Search your heart, following what YOUR God is leading you -

Take MR. Nasty Guilt Monster and serve an EVICTION NOTICE - he has no place in your heart and mind -

You are a wonderful, loving Mom !!

Please take a deep breath, remember our future is not limited by what we see today!
BIG HUGS to you and prayers of comfort and peace!
Love ya,
Rita

Chino

Take action, take back your life.

The odds for your children living healthy lives with two screwed up parents are pretty bad, but the odds of living with one parent who is actively working recovery are a thousand times better

teke

hi aj

i don't know if i can be of any help to you right now, i sometimes suffer the same guilt. as you may already know, i stayed far too long too. your story sounds exactly like mine. it took 21yrs for me to say enough.

maybe if would help if you could find counseling for you and your kids.

the last time my ah bolted, i made the decision to let him stay gone. all the back and forth was making everyone confused and i thought i was literally going insane. i'm disabled and unable to work. i had no choice but to contact social services, women's shelters or who ever else i thought might be able to help me or show me a way to get on my feet.

i know its hard but you will make it through all of this. it is easier said than done but try not to take too much of what your ah is saying personal. his addiction will get even worse unless he decides to do something to help himself. if he wants to leave, let him go if you can. maybe with him leaving, he'll be able to see for himself how destructive his life has become and want to seek help, maybe not but at least you do not have to continue to go down with him.

imo, your ah is not relapsing, it sounds like active addiction to me. my ah would do the same things, get a new job and become "mr, high and mighty", didn't need anyone any more. well each time that was all short lived, his addiction would take over and he'd end up wanting to come back so i could help hold him afloat until the next time. its up to you to make the changes if you want change for you and your kids.

when i first came here to sr, i remember the fear of not knowing how i was gonna provide for me and the kids because my ah had bolted again but someone here reminded me that i was already doing the providing me and the kids only he was included.

i have no doubt that if you start walking, you'll get there. th choice is yours. you and yours are in my prayers.

jewell614

I'm a single mother of two. I have a five year old and a 4 month old. Let me tell you. It is not easy, but when it comes down to it, you find a way out of no way. It's how we survive, and when push come to shove, you will do it.

I can't emphasize enough how important no contact can be. It really lifts the emotional burden off of you. It does. Have you tried family therapy??? I feel guilt about my children having an addict father too, but I have to be mother and father for them for the rest of their lives, and I am motivated to be that, and I will put blood, sweat, and tears into being a person who is realiable, trustworthy, and I will show them love and affection.

I tell my daughter her father is sick, and if and when he does go into treatment, he can work on a relationship with her. That is the ONLY way I will let him see his children. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Many of us have children, and really, how helpful can he be with you and your children if he is relapsing often?? You are already doing it on your own.

My grandmother tells me if a man is going to bring you down, then you may as well be by yourself. We are doing it by ourselves anyways. Think about this. If he leaves, you don't have to explain to the kids anymore why he keeps disappointing them. You won't be bogged down by guilt. We can do bad all by ourselves. We don't need them. I will keep you and your children in my prayers.

cinderellawkids

AJ, you are one of the best moms I know and ahve helped me through some of my darkest times.
I want to say solution is drive across the state and let's have lunch on the beach this weekend....but while fun guess that wont change things.
Thats how Im getting through, always having somothing to plan on the horizon.
Suddenly with no warning becoming a single mom repeatedly both with current estranged AH and my ex husband. We made it, even when on paper there was no way possible to do so.

This past year I know has been tough, but look you survived on your income, your kids have shelter, clothing and have been fed. (All the while so did your husband?) I cant even begin to tell you how much our electric was reduced, minus a husband, our water...food expense, heck even toilet paper expense. I also learned buying in bulk saved a lot as well.(Making the purchase feels scarey, but it lasts soo much longer).

Try not to feed into his rantings of what he's doing today and stay in your and the kids part of today. If I cant pay something rather than stress on that FPL bill due in 2 weeks I focus on, what Im making for dinner that day, getting laundry done ect. Hang in there hon. Theres goods and bads to whatever he chooses to do, but you will get through it.

ajangels2

Thanks to everyone who posted. I just had an opportunity to read through your replies. I can't tell you how much each of you means to me, but you all do. Anvil.. your reply really grabbed me. You are right... I guess I am that constant in their lives. I chose this life, they didn't. It's up to me to try and lead them the best way i can.

Today I want that FREEDOM more than anything. I want to be rid of the disease of A'ism completely. I want my smile back, I want to feel good about my life, I want to be a better mom who isn't so stressed out all the time. My AH is adding to my burden and he has been for a long time. It's funny because he knows it too, he doesn't want to be a burden but that is exactly how it has become. He is truly ill, and I don't think it's just relapse anymore I think it is active addiction. I pray for another job opportunity close to my mom. If I stay here, he will use that against me. He will take advantage of every obstacle he can, and I don't know if I'd be strong enough to say no. Sometimes I think I give into him just to shut him up! I can't stand the temper tantrums he can pull. I get enough from my kids, but the sad part is lately I just have a hard time facing them. They have become argumentative and difficult with me and coupled with argumentative, beligerant AH, I feel like I'm in hell!!

It's time to move on and try and make a new life for ourselves. God is showing this to me everyday this week and I'm exhausted. I'm taking the boys to Orlando to visit with my mom this weekend. We're leaving this afternoon. I'm going to try really hard not to let my thoughts take me away from them because they are what matters. I have so many emotions today of sadness, anger, disappointment, and pity all rolled into one. I have a new appreciation for my friends who have found long term sobriety. To come out of that craziness and dysfunction and live a sober sane life right now is unfathomable to me, because what I'm seeing and living is crazy... no other way to describe it just pure crazy. So, I don't have much of a plan right now except to live one day at a time and try and keep my job until I get another one and hopefully find daycare for the baby. Thanks for your support and your total understanding. Hugs to you all.
AJ