want2Bfree325

So my exabf has been in jail now for over a month. Things have been so much better for me and the kids though I do experience a lot of depression letting go and because I do care. He has written one letter and has tried several times to call but I am trying my best to keep no contact. The thing is that his grandmother and I have been in touch and though she usually does not bring him up, I guess she received a letter from him stating how sorry he was, that he is going to NA meetings in jail, and that he still loves me, blah, blah blah...you get the picture. Now I am going to tell her not to relay anymore messages to me because it makes things more difficult but I feel like crap now because it hurts like hell to hear anything from him like that he cares, is sorry, etc...hence the no contact. It makes things tougher to be strong. I am fearful too because I haven't been hearing much but what she relayed that he was going to try and get through to me. I mean I am happy if he is getting clean, that's great, however I don't want him trying to drag me back in. No matter how much I love him or care, I can't take the chance again. Ugh, I'm sorry I just needed to vent this morning...Thanks for listening

Ann

Have you tried going to meetings? I know that meetings helped me regain my balance and find strength when I needed it most.

Keeping you in my prayers.

Hugs

want2Bfree325

I have started therapy...went to my first session last week but I don't have a car at the moment so getting around isn't easy. I found online meetings in the meantime through coda online so I will try them tonight...

want2Bfree325

I don't doubt his sincerity, its just that I can't trust that things would change if and when he gets out so I guess what I am saying is actions speak louder than words. I have heard enough words from him throughout our relationship that I am sure he believed and actually felt but he never backed them with action so that is why I am trying to not get pulled into his apologies despite how sincere they are... I am just trying really hard to get over him but the reality is that I do still care and any contact that I get from him makes it that much harder. I am not 100% but I am doing better since he left the picture. It's scary to see how sucked in I was...I really thought I was losing it (started having panic attacks, constant anxiety, etc) and its like when I start feeling better and stronger, he finds a way to get a hold of me and it hurts. I told his grandmother to not pass anymore messages to me from him and she assured me she wouldn't so that's good but I know that's not the end of it from him. It's just harder when I hear from him even when I am making no contact with him, despite all of the horrible things that he has done, I love the sober side of him tremendously but I know how quickly that side gets lost to addiction and it's just such a big risk that I am not willing to take. I don't wish ill upon him though I still get angry and very upset over the damage already done. I pray for him and his recovery but that's all I can do and offer...I just really wish he would respect my wishes and leave me be.