He stole money from the kids...how to handle this?
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He stole money from the kids...how to handle this?
Found out POSSTBXAH (yes, that's a new abbreviation SR people - stands for piece of $hit soon to be ex addicted husband)
STOLE money out of a safe from the kids. They are 9. There was $600 in a safe. It was their $. I was going to open savings accounts for them, but he put the $ in the safe. I've replaced it twice within the last 6 months. It is gone again (changed a combination and he got it). I am finding out that he's been getting unemployment all along. $1800 a month since July. Up until them it was going into his account @ my bank, I would transfer it online and pay bills with it. From July on he had it switched to another bank that I didn't know about and had the mailing address changed to go to his mom's. My POSSTBXAH has had $1800 a month to go on and has given me NOTHING. He was telling me that his unemployment was being denied or he had to fill this out or call this person. ALL lies. He hasn't missed a single check since he switched accounts.
I'm thinking about HK's post in my other thread about not giving the kids false hope that he's going to get well. Do I replace the $ again for the kids or tell them the truth. I am just finding this all out today and am PI$$ED OFF! What led me to find out all of this is that dd is wanting her $ out to buy an American Girl set of twins. He's been telling them he didn't know the combination, he'd get it, he had a call in to get the combo etc. Total BS. What is best for the kids in your opinion? This will devastate them. I tried to get him to tell dd on the phone that he took her $. He hung up on me and said he wouldn't do it.
I'm not going to do anything tonight as I'm so mad I can't think straight. Thoughts on how to handle this?? I'm really starting to hate him. He's a sick, sick man to do this. He doesn't deserve to be called a man. A man wouldn't do this to his family. He's a punk.
STOLE money out of a safe from the kids. They are 9. There was $600 in a safe. It was their $. I was going to open savings accounts for them, but he put the $ in the safe. I've replaced it twice within the last 6 months. It is gone again (changed a combination and he got it). I am finding out that he's been getting unemployment all along. $1800 a month since July. Up until them it was going into his account @ my bank, I would transfer it online and pay bills with it. From July on he had it switched to another bank that I didn't know about and had the mailing address changed to go to his mom's. My POSSTBXAH has had $1800 a month to go on and has given me NOTHING. He was telling me that his unemployment was being denied or he had to fill this out or call this person. ALL lies. He hasn't missed a single check since he switched accounts.
I'm thinking about HK's post in my other thread about not giving the kids false hope that he's going to get well. Do I replace the $ again for the kids or tell them the truth. I am just finding this all out today and am PI$$ED OFF! What led me to find out all of this is that dd is wanting her $ out to buy an American Girl set of twins. He's been telling them he didn't know the combination, he'd get it, he had a call in to get the combo etc. Total BS. What is best for the kids in your opinion? This will devastate them. I tried to get him to tell dd on the phone that he took her $. He hung up on me and said he wouldn't do it.
I'm not going to do anything tonight as I'm so mad I can't think straight. Thoughts on how to handle this?? I'm really starting to hate him. He's a sick, sick man to do this. He doesn't deserve to be called a man. A man wouldn't do this to his family. He's a punk.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
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sleep on it and maybe you can just avoid who took the money all together so no one looks like the bad guy and buy the dolls yourself. ?? I called my late ABF a punk a$$ junkie ***** too. And I meant it at the time...because it was true. I didn't care enough about him to help him after awhile. It's self preservation. Your first obligation is self preservation so you can effectively shift into position of motherhood and parent.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hollywood, CA
Posts: 58
As much as it will hurt to tell them, I would tell them the truth gently. They are 9, they know something is wrong cause you are postponing giving them their money. They know their dad is sick, and they will probably get angry, but they will know they can trust you and they will soon be pre-teens and teens and having that trust is will be so important.
Active addicts don't care who they steal from...their spouses, parents, friends...or even their own kids. My ex used to return our 2 yr old's new toys and clothes if he found a receipt to get money for drugs.
Active addicts don't care who they steal from...their spouses, parents, friends...or even their own kids. My ex used to return our 2 yr old's new toys and clothes if he found a receipt to get money for drugs.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
It just never ends, does it? I'm so sorry. ((((CALLIE))))
Calm down, take some deep breaths and try to get your emotions under control. You have every right to be furious, but take some time to calm down where you can be rational. You can deal with what to tell the kids tomorrow.
Calm down, take some deep breaths and try to get your emotions under control. You have every right to be furious, but take some time to calm down where you can be rational. You can deal with what to tell the kids tomorrow.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((callie))
hate so much you are having to deal with this - my EXAH (can't remember all the other initials you had in front of that - but some days I felt like adding those words too - lol)
did the same thing too - not only did he steal cash from our girls, but when the girls got older he stole a ckbook & wrote hot checks out of her & her husband's account.
Remember - there is NO line they will not cross - they will do anything to feed that addiction/disease.
Take some deep breaths - feel your feelings - when I was so angry about things like this - it was suggested that I write some FU letters - to him and to the disease.
Once my anger calmed down - I realized I was angry at myself too - I felt like I had allowed this to happen to my daughters - MY SPONSOR had me write another letter - to myself - about it not being my fault - that I was in recovery and taking steps to stop these types of thing from happening to myself and to my family.
It was very emotionally healing -
I then took the letters - burned them and sent them up to the God of my understanding as a true "Letting Go and Letting God" asking for direction & guidance to how to handle things.
I pray that you are able to calmness and peace tonite and are able to know what is best for you and your children tomorrow!!
HUGS,
Rita
hate so much you are having to deal with this - my EXAH (can't remember all the other initials you had in front of that - but some days I felt like adding those words too - lol)
did the same thing too - not only did he steal cash from our girls, but when the girls got older he stole a ckbook & wrote hot checks out of her & her husband's account.
Remember - there is NO line they will not cross - they will do anything to feed that addiction/disease.
Take some deep breaths - feel your feelings - when I was so angry about things like this - it was suggested that I write some FU letters - to him and to the disease.
Once my anger calmed down - I realized I was angry at myself too - I felt like I had allowed this to happen to my daughters - MY SPONSOR had me write another letter - to myself - about it not being my fault - that I was in recovery and taking steps to stop these types of thing from happening to myself and to my family.
It was very emotionally healing -
I then took the letters - burned them and sent them up to the God of my understanding as a true "Letting Go and Letting God" asking for direction & guidance to how to handle things.
I pray that you are able to calmness and peace tonite and are able to know what is best for you and your children tomorrow!!
HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: May 2008
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I guess in my defense I wouldn't have let him tell dd about that, but you betcha I wanted him to feel the shame, humiliation and guilt of thinking he had to do that. She wasn't even in the room when I was talking to him.
I'm talking to the POSSTBXAH because he had an unemployment check coming that was SUPPOSE to go to $ that he stole from me. I'm finding out that he's went through about $24k in since July (all unemployment $ and the insurance $ etc). I didn't see a damn dime of it. Yet I bought the POS a freaking car with MY $ this summer so he could get back and forth to methadone treatment. He totals it, keeps the insurance $ from that too. March 22 @ 1:15 I will be divorced. It can't come soon enough.
As far as the $, I'll probably replace it. DD has been asking for the American girl doll for a few weeks. They both are good savers and have piggy banks. They earn an allowance and it was THEIR $. He says he'll replace it. Promises he will before he goes into treatment. I'm a little more calm now, but he is a POS.
I'm talking to the POSSTBXAH because he had an unemployment check coming that was SUPPOSE to go to $ that he stole from me. I'm finding out that he's went through about $24k in since July (all unemployment $ and the insurance $ etc). I didn't see a damn dime of it. Yet I bought the POS a freaking car with MY $ this summer so he could get back and forth to methadone treatment. He totals it, keeps the insurance $ from that too. March 22 @ 1:15 I will be divorced. It can't come soon enough.
As far as the $, I'll probably replace it. DD has been asking for the American girl doll for a few weeks. They both are good savers and have piggy banks. They earn an allowance and it was THEIR $. He says he'll replace it. Promises he will before he goes into treatment. I'm a little more calm now, but he is a POS.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
I'm a little more calm now, but he is a POS.
Yes, he is, and you've given him far too much credit in the past and just when you think he's sunk as low as possible, he does something to prove that there's still miles lower to go. I think it will be a fluke if you ever see a dime of what he owes you or the kids. I'd chalk it up to experience and do whatever is necessary to not have any contact with him whatsoever.
Yes, he is, and you've given him far too much credit in the past and just when you think he's sunk as low as possible, he does something to prove that there's still miles lower to go. I think it will be a fluke if you ever see a dime of what he owes you or the kids. I'd chalk it up to experience and do whatever is necessary to not have any contact with him whatsoever.
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photoshop him out of the picture
I like that one Tess. I use photoshop frequently when putting my art online. Just need to pick up that eraser. Meanwhile DD is 'watching' an American Girl Bitty Twin on Ebay. 5 days till auction ends. I told her to hold back on bidding until the last second. Maybe I learned that from AH. Never be trusting enough to know that someone won't swoop in for the kill and claim the prize!
Stupid POS.
I like that one Tess. I use photoshop frequently when putting my art online. Just need to pick up that eraser. Meanwhile DD is 'watching' an American Girl Bitty Twin on Ebay. 5 days till auction ends. I told her to hold back on bidding until the last second. Maybe I learned that from AH. Never be trusting enough to know that someone won't swoop in for the kill and claim the prize!
Stupid POS.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Callie, he isn't going to change any time soon. So if your life is going to change, you will have to be the one to do that.
Beginning with that safe. It doesn't work. Stop using it, use a bank account with no ATM card, no cheques, no access except personal withdrawl. If he steals that money he'd have to rob the bank.
Change begins with us.
Hugs
Beginning with that safe. It doesn't work. Stop using it, use a bank account with no ATM card, no cheques, no access except personal withdrawl. If he steals that money he'd have to rob the bank.
Change begins with us.
Hugs
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I feel sick inside just thinking about how you must be feeling. It's like a really long, really fast fall and the a big giant crash. And you wonder why you see something so must more clearly now that mere hours before you did not.
I would not tell the children any details about what happened. If you can replace their savings do so. (I borrowed from my kids savings account once or twice, but always put it back before I knew they would need/want it)
March 22nd is such a short distance. Woohoo.
And:
Everything that Anvil said.
(especially please please please please do not talk to him. at all.)
I would not tell the children any details about what happened. If you can replace their savings do so. (I borrowed from my kids savings account once or twice, but always put it back before I knew they would need/want it)
March 22nd is such a short distance. Woohoo.
And:
Everything that Anvil said.
(especially please please please please do not talk to him. at all.)
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Join Date: May 2008
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I'm a little more calm now, but he is a POS.
Yes, he is, and you've given him far too much credit in the past and just when you think he's sunk as low as possible, he does something to prove that there's still miles lower to go.
Seeing things more clearly today. I spent last night sleepless for the most part. Reflecting on how this whole picture is coming together for me. I see his beautiful face, I see what I think is his heart, I see his charm, his wit, his quietness that draws me too him.
But when I take the glasses off, the rose colored glasses it's a different picture. My work is pretty much full go, except through the winter. During the winter, I hibernate. I worked my tail off last spring, summer and fall. I worked harder and longer hours than I ever have to provide for my family (including him). I had no idea he was getting unemployment. None. I paid for his methadone treatment, paid for his gas (his mom helped too), paid for his insurance, bought him a car etc. All the while HE had the funds to do so himself. I'm sick to my stomach, but at the same time glad that I know.
Why would I WANT to waste my time with someone who so clearly is as anvil said ... a conman. He knew I was going crazy with his behavior. I am getting mini lightbulbs going off. Little blurbs that are popping into my mind from the last year.
I am going to steal Anvil's line from another post....imagine if we were so wrapped up in ourselves that we failed to notice........... I have been so wrapped up in him that I've failed to notice the beauty around me. My kids, my family, my life, myself. This man has worked me from EVERY angle, draining me mentally, physically, emotionally, financially...and I allowed it. I get it now. I finally get it.
Yes, he is, and you've given him far too much credit in the past and just when you think he's sunk as low as possible, he does something to prove that there's still miles lower to go.
Seeing things more clearly today. I spent last night sleepless for the most part. Reflecting on how this whole picture is coming together for me. I see his beautiful face, I see what I think is his heart, I see his charm, his wit, his quietness that draws me too him.
But when I take the glasses off, the rose colored glasses it's a different picture. My work is pretty much full go, except through the winter. During the winter, I hibernate
. I worked my tail off last spring, summer and fall. I worked harder and longer hours than I ever have to provide for my family (including him). I had no idea he was getting unemployment. None. I paid for his methadone treatment, paid for his gas (his mom helped too), paid for his insurance, bought him a car etc. All the while HE had the funds to do so himself. I'm sick to my stomach, but at the same time glad that I know. Why would I WANT to waste my time with someone who so clearly is as anvil said ... a conman. He knew I was going crazy with his behavior. I am getting mini lightbulbs going off. Little blurbs that are popping into my mind from the last year.
I am going to steal Anvil's line from another post....imagine if we were so wrapped up in ourselves that we failed to notice........... I have been so wrapped up in him that I've failed to notice the beauty around me. My kids, my family, my life, myself. This man has worked me from EVERY angle, draining me mentally, physically, emotionally, financially...and I allowed it. I get it now. I finally get it.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
Callie, he's not going to replace the money and deep down you know this. I'm so sorry that this tornado has run through every aspect of your life and childrens lives. Are you going to meetings and/or a counselor. The aftershock really may be something you're not prepared for. Our children are precious creatures of divine trust and faith in their parents. Some parents respect that and others don't. Your STBX (POS) doesn't and is incapable of regret right now. I hope your baby gets her American Girl twins. It will serve her well in a theraputic sense when they arrive and she begins playing with them. It's all good!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
callie, i'm sorry this happened. yes my ah took money from my kids only he would tell them i took it. so for me, it worked out better for me to tell my kids what happened with their things because if not, it would have known to fall back on me, in more ways than one.
i thought it maybe better to kind of keep my kids safe from the drama but there was also times that i felt as if i had to tell them something. my kids seemed to worry more about what they didn't know than what they did and thats probably because even though i thought they are being sheltered, they did know when things didn't seem right.
i think they know that they have you and can trust you, so imo, you have to decide what is best for you to do concerning them. you and your family are in my prayers.
i thought it maybe better to kind of keep my kids safe from the drama but there was also times that i felt as if i had to tell them something. my kids seemed to worry more about what they didn't know than what they did and thats probably because even though i thought they are being sheltered, they did know when things didn't seem right.
i think they know that they have you and can trust you, so imo, you have to decide what is best for you to do concerning them. you and your family are in my prayers.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
When my exabf was walking out, he lifted my kids christmas money. (2 weeks before Christmas) I made Christmas as special as I could have, but I did let them know. They are not his kids for one and I also wanted them to know about it. Not to hurt them, but to educate them maybe for later in life. (My kids are VERY intelligent) They took it well, called him a jerk and we all moved on...... It was the BEST Christmas in a long time! Not financially, but emotionally. 
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Callie))
sounds like you are really doing very well processing this horrible mess -
Just wanted to share another suggestion - don't know if ex will have a phone # - try to contact you about kids, etc. - praying he just leaves you alone so you can go on with your healthy and recovery life - BUT if you do have to continue contact with him because of the children - here's a suggestion for your phone. . .
Change his ring tone to a really irritating ring tone and then change his name to "I stole money from u n ur kids"
That way everytime he calls you have that reminder that this is NOT the person that once loved and cared for y'all - THIS IS A MAN consumed by the disease of alcoholism/addiction. This way you can be prepared with all your recovery tools and be ready NOT to listen to any QUACKING!!!
Wishing you the very best - YOU deserve it!!!
HUGS,
Rita
sounds like you are really doing very well processing this horrible mess -
Just wanted to share another suggestion - don't know if ex will have a phone # - try to contact you about kids, etc. - praying he just leaves you alone so you can go on with your healthy and recovery life - BUT if you do have to continue contact with him because of the children - here's a suggestion for your phone. . .
Change his ring tone to a really irritating ring tone and then change his name to "I stole money from u n ur kids"
That way everytime he calls you have that reminder that this is NOT the person that once loved and cared for y'all - THIS IS A MAN consumed by the disease of alcoholism/addiction. This way you can be prepared with all your recovery tools and be ready NOT to listen to any QUACKING!!!
Wishing you the very best - YOU deserve it!!!
HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Great idea Rita! I will change his ring tone. I am doing much better today. It's like the fog is lifting. I keep reflecting back on the whole last year and all of the lies,severe manipulation and conning that he did. It makes me sick. It's like the picture is coming into full view.
I'm getting antsy today because I haven't talked to him. I know it's just withdrawals. But then I think WTH would I WANT to hear anymore lies. What do I miss? It's been such drama and I've tried to stay out of it, but the phone rings constantly. I have already told SIL a variation of what Cess said in another post...
Tell people the following....... "please don't discuss my exah with me. I have let go, and I can't do this. I am not trying to be rude, but my children and I need to move forward. Please respect my need to let go. I do not wish to hear, what/who/when / where / how, he is doing."
Tonight, I won't answer the phone. Instead I'm going to spend some much needed time this afternoon going on a bikeride with the kids. It's 55 degrees out and we're coming out of a hard winter weather wise. Right now I'm sitting here with color processing in my hair that's long over due! I'm going to make an appoint for my taxes, do some paperwork and most importantly NOT be on the phone when someone calls re: AH.
Thank you guys. I appreciate everything that you've done for me.
I'm getting antsy today because I haven't talked to him. I know it's just withdrawals. But then I think WTH would I WANT to hear anymore lies. What do I miss? It's been such drama and I've tried to stay out of it, but the phone rings constantly. I have already told SIL a variation of what Cess said in another post...
Tell people the following....... "please don't discuss my exah with me. I have let go, and I can't do this. I am not trying to be rude, but my children and I need to move forward. Please respect my need to let go. I do not wish to hear, what/who/when / where / how, he is doing."
Tonight, I won't answer the phone. Instead I'm going to spend some much needed time this afternoon going on a bikeride with the kids. It's 55 degrees out and we're coming out of a hard winter weather wise. Right now I'm sitting here with color processing in my hair that's long over due!
I'm going to make an appoint for my taxes, do some paperwork and most importantly NOT be on the phone when someone calls re: AH. Thank you guys. I appreciate everything that you've done for me.
I'm my own best friend
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reading, PA
Posts: 56
I know how you feel. When you are in the moment, you feel like you could kill them with your own bare hands. Once you are cooled down, it's time to make the decisions to prevent this from happening ever again.
I tell my five year old her daddy is sick, because he is sick. I don't hate him. I hate the disease. It's time for me to heal. It's time for you and your children to heal and live the life you have always deserved. Time to stop cheating ourselves.
It's a lesson learned. My axbf stole my daugher's formula. That is sick, very sick, but it shows you how far they are willing to go to feed their habit. That was my wake up call.
I tell my five year old her daddy is sick, because he is sick. I don't hate him. I hate the disease. It's time for me to heal. It's time for you and your children to heal and live the life you have always deserved. Time to stop cheating ourselves.
It's a lesson learned. My axbf stole my daugher's formula. That is sick, very sick, but it shows you how far they are willing to go to feed their habit. That was my wake up call.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I totally understand wanting to tell the kids what a jerk their father is but it doesn't do any good and will only hurt the children. He won't tell them the truth about it. So it will become you versus him if they confront him and it will become a "lie" festival. Kids will always defend their parents - even if they are liars and abusers. Your children will figure it out eventually. No need to throw the fact that he is a liar in their faces.
If they bring it up you might want to consider saying,
that money disappeared out of the safe
and when/if they ask where, maybe you can just say:
I was wondering the same thing myself sweetheart.
Let them lead the conversation as far as they want to go with it. But never accuse their father - just try to let them come to their own conclusions and support them.
Just keep moving forward to distance yourself from the situation. If you expect ANY respectable, responsible behavior out of your husband at this point, you are probably just setting yourself up for disappointment.
Expectations = premeditated resentments (or in this case - disappointments.) Why do we do this to ourselves!
RE: changing the ring tone - I turned my ex's ring tone to permanent off - that way when he calls, it goes straight to voicemail where he can leave me a message. I then can decide whether or not, if and when, I want to call him back. (You could also set him to vibrate.)
If they bring it up you might want to consider saying,
that money disappeared out of the safe
and when/if they ask where, maybe you can just say:
I was wondering the same thing myself sweetheart.
Let them lead the conversation as far as they want to go with it. But never accuse their father - just try to let them come to their own conclusions and support them.
Just keep moving forward to distance yourself from the situation. If you expect ANY respectable, responsible behavior out of your husband at this point, you are probably just setting yourself up for disappointment.
Expectations = premeditated resentments (or in this case - disappointments.) Why do we do this to ourselves!
RE: changing the ring tone - I turned my ex's ring tone to permanent off - that way when he calls, it goes straight to voicemail where he can leave me a message. I then can decide whether or not, if and when, I want to call him back. (You could also set him to vibrate.)
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