Mary Petunia

Hello all. I used to be on the forums when I was dealing with my ex-husband's addiction... the site says my last visit was October 5, 2007! (Wow!! Time flies!!)

But since we have a daughter together, I guess I'll be dealing with his addiction forever. I just got very, very sad today. Heard from my MIL that EXAH is back in the Salvation Army. She's maintained that he's been sober for the last couple of years, but I believe differently. She says he's in SA, not for recovery, but b/c he has no where to live and no income. Still, the thought that he's back in SA just DEPRESSES me. He'll be 42 in a few weeks... his dad died at 42. When I think of the depth of the hole he's in... financially, emotionally... it's soooo sad!! Such a waste of a life... a life that is a gift from God. I've moved on, and I have a really wonderful life now. And while I'm so grateful that I don't have a front row seat anymore... and so grateful that my daughter has a loving father figure in her life, sometimes I actually feel guilty for it.

My daughter, who is now 8, asks about EXAH constantly. They have no relationship. I probably question at least 100x/day if I'm doing right by her. He asked, ONCE, to see her, about three years ago. I really felt like he was still using and thought the risks were too high, so I said no (despite lots of badgering from him and his mother) One night, riding home from work about 2 months later, I was overcome with a sense of peace... that my job was to protect and look out for my daughter, NOT to protect and look out for my EXAH... and that I had made the right decision. That night, I got a collect call from EXAH in jail. Which just confirmed that I made the right decision at that time. He's never asked to see her again. There's part of me that often questions if I should arrange some sort of visit for HER... she's the one with the hole in her heart... but I always go back to "he's not even asking to see her... do i subject her to THAT?"

Anyway... I'm babbling.... I love my daughter to death. She is a precious gift and I only want her little heart to know that her father loves her... I tell her all the time that he does. At least at the SA he's safe, warm, clothed, fed... not to mention that he'll be going to church and to meetings. I realize there are worse places to be!! I just hate to think of all his suffering... God, when will it end???

hello-kitty

Awww. I really admire you. It sounds like you are doing the best you can for your daughter. It's very hard when children are involved. It sounds like you are doing a really sweet job of protecting your daughter.

Curious how you handle it when she asks about him?

I just tell my son "Your dad is sick and it has nothing to do with you sweetheart. He makes really bad choices. It is my job to to love you and take care of you and every day I thank God that he sent you to me so I could be your mommy."

Mary Petunia

Hello Kitty,
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. Yes, I handle it much like you do. I tell her that her dad loves her and that he has a hard time making good decisions. I've told her that some people take medicine to make them feel better and some people don't take it the right way and it makes them sick.

She adores her step dad, but I think she sometimes feels conflicted (disloyal?) because we have lots of conversations about whether or not it's okay for her to love both of them. It just breaks my heart sometimes that she's so innocent and loving. I imagine how confused she must be and it tortures me. I let her draw him pictures and send him cards... whether or not he ever gets them, I'm not sure. His living arrangements aren't exactly stable.

Thanks for understanding. Sounds like you are doing a great job with your son! Hugs and prayers to you!

cece1960

Well look who dropped in?!

Hi there MP, I've thought about you often and just knew that you had found happiness in your life.

My grand "baby" is going on five now, and she at times mentions her father who she doesn't know. My daughter is getting married in September to a fellow that she refers to others as her dad. But still, the idea of "father" I think, facinates her and causes curiosity.

I think your honesty with her is about the best you can do for now. As she gets older, she may choose to establish a relationship on her terms.

There may also be a few childrens book available that approaches the subject at her level.

Good to see you!

Mary Petunia

Hey Cece!!! How you doin' girl??!!! So nice to hear from you!! I've thought of you often, as well. I hope your son is doing well. And oooh... a wedding soon!!! Fun!!

My daughter was about that same age as your grandbaby when I got re-married. I do think the concept of "dad" was very much fascinating to her, too. Especially b/c my step kids spend lots of time with us and she would hear them calling him "dad." So then she would call my husband "dad" all day one day and then not again for months! We never forced the issue, we told her she could call her step dad whatever she wanted to. One day she started calling him "dad" and just never stopped. They have a precious relationship. He's wonderful with her.

I think my daughter remembers the "memory" of her dad... but not necessarily "him." Which, is probably a good thing!! I always wonder if they'll have a relationship someday, but honestly, I don't expect him to live a long life, sad as that sounds.

thanks for the encouragement. So nice to "see" you!!