JuneBug

He's on methadone. He said he was going to his brothers for a visit so then I just said methadone clinic and then he goes yeah maybe that too and then proceeded to tell me he is trying it its seems to be working hes not chasing a pill and i go fed up just like that not fed up i got insanly angry i didnt say a word he asked for my opinion i said i dont have one i dont care.......he walks down th hall muttering she dont care she dont care well thats just great...........I am sooooooooooo angry at him and hes acting like i have no right to be angry.........then he says what do you think i should do.........i said i dont care what you do your just chasing methadone instead of the other thing to me..........he has no response.......i said isnt that was rehab is for......he sai hes trying to get his life back and go back to work.........i am so angry at him i know it was him in my car, its all his garbage and when i finally show him a little anger about the whole thing hes mad at me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


the support group people told me that in rehab he will get a wake up call and have to commit to owning up to the hurt he has caused, i dont believe that he will i think hell maintain his i never hurt you crap and they say i will go for that session so that he can own up to what hes done make amends and prepare to live in the world. how can he own up to anything when hes still on a drug give me a break. He wont own up to $%^& and I know it.
This is what I believe is going to happen hes going to take methadone and wasnt planning on telling me, in his mind he was going to surprise me and say see honey im on this stuff its better and now i dont need rehab!!!! I would bet my life on thats whats going to happen.

JuneBug

I am going to calm down, remember what I heard in the group meeting last night, breath, walk, find my way out of this hole I'm in, breath some more, .........I haven't a clue what I am going to do.........find myself a shovel i guess to dig my way out but I dont even know where to start. breathing i guess is the best place, i'll try that and see what happens.

coffeedrinker

junebug,

i think your guy is up a creek with you no matter what he does.
this man should be honest and upfront with you; however, perhaps the reason he withheld was because he knew you would not be supportive.

have you been to the suboxone/methadone site here? i think, unless you're for sure out of this marriage, if you could open your mind a bit about methadone AS MAINTENANCE for opiate addiction, it could be helpful. this drug has been being used for over 40 years as an alternative for people who have not been able to get clean from opiates and have repeatedly relapsed. there is a science to it and some folks have been leading productive lives in freedom from drug abuse for decades, due to methadone. some, however, do not, and you're right it IS them still chasing a high. there is a difference between drug use, and drug abuse.

ok, off my soapbox now. hope i didn't offend.

outtolunch

In rehab, people may get the opportunity to taking responsibility for themselves and the past hurt they caused. Many do not take advantage of the opportunity. Rehab does not cure addiction.

Seems like your anger has all to to with your frustration associated with an inability to control him. Accepting that you have no control is humbling.

It's an ego thing on both sides of the fence.

JuneBug

ok I am trying rreally hard to hear what all of you are saying.
But now I am utterly confused, how is wanting to get marriage counselling, work on what went wrong, trying to re-build our relationship trying to control him?
He says that methadone fixed his problem. Now he just "needs a job and we can move on like none of this ever happened" those are his words.
Is that how this works then, once he gets clean we just move on like none of this happened?

outtolunch

There is no quick fix here. Methadone, when properly administered, makes it challenging to get a buzz off an opiate. Nothing more or less.

Some people eventually taper off Methadone and are able to cope with life as is/ where is, without substance. This requires serious and hard work on the issues that promoted drug abuse in the first place.

Some people seem to stay with a Methadone Maintenance Program, forever.

Some relapse with their DOC.

Some move on and use non opiate substances because they just want to get high.

There are no crystal balls here. He is going to do what he is going to do. You have no control over this or him.

Chino

Sobriety is not the same as recovery and some people never take that next step. If/when they do it will be on their terms. Society can force sobriety but not recovery and it's a life long process.

I mentally understood this but did not accept it until I began my own recovery. I had to get 'sober' first from all the fighting, snooping, etc., I did, too. I found I wasn't happy just being sober from it all and continued working on me.... that's when my recovery began.

endangered

I have some empathy for how you feel. In our case, we can't afford it. It's $15.00 a day which may not seem like alot to most buy I am on a fixed income and he, for all intents and purposes, is not working. He did tell me that while he was in 5 day detox on methadone he was high as a kite and that others there were walking around on a cloud.

From all my research, and trust me there has been alot of that, everyone says getting off methadone is much worse than getting off oxycodones. Most addicts that have posted to boards I have read said 'don't do it unless your going to do it forever'. So if this is an option then maybe the 'high' settles down with adjustments and longer use and it might be a good thing but be cautious.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am new here and if I knew how I'd tell you to pm me...lol.

JuneBug

oooooooooh I get it now! I thought and felt that whatever desicion he made I had to learn to live with it, hence why I was getting so angry. I was getting angry because I don't want to walk the road he is walking and I felt like I was being forced and I thought because he said it that meant I had to. I forgot I had choices. I don't have to live the way he is choosing.

JuneBug

but wait.......isn't that what marriage is about? good, bad and ugly?

endangered

I thought so too. Old school I guess. My mother stayed with an abusive alcoholic husband and took care of him till the day he died. Now that I am in a similar situation I am having to reconsider that idea.

I haven't been able to attend na yet but plan to start this week. I think it will help me find ME! Hopefully then I can start to make decisions based on what is best for me and my children instead of believing I have to stick with him regardless. I have read on many post "Let go or be dragged". I'm giving this alot of thought.

No one can tell you what to do except you. It helps to get educated about addiction and recovery but ultimately you have to decide what your future holds.

Love and hugs!

Chino

My vows went something this:

He made the same vows to me, too. The way I see it, if either/both of us breaks all/most of them, the marriage is done or close to it.

If you want to stay in your marriage no matter what, it is 100% on you to make your peace with all of it. I have an aunt that did it; she and my uncle are in their 70's now, finally happy together.

I can't tell you how she did it but I can tell you what she did: she sent him out the door every time he drank. Sometimes he would be gone for months. Fathered two more children with different women while he was gone, too. She kept on working and raised her three kids, had support from her family and church, too. In all my life I've never known her to be bitter. I'll say it again, I don't know how she did it.

JuneBug

You have all gave me some serious things to think about. I printed off your replies so that I can keep them with me and read throughout the day so that maybe I will uncover what I want for the next 30,000 days of my life!

coffeedrinker

if administered properly, the "high" is almost non-existant, and it goes away after a few weeks.

this is a gruesome detox - yes, one of the worst from everything i've read as well. that's why you don't enter into it lightly, and why it is best reserved for someone who has REPEATEDLY relapsed, tried other programs and can't seem to fight the intense cravings.

we all know that people that abuse drugs have issues underlying. there is evidence that suggests that some folks do not produce endorphins in enough quantity to experience joy and contentment like normal brains do. when they use drugs that affect the same neurotransmitters (heroin, oxy's), they feel better, happier. of course this can quickly turn into out of control abuse.

your husband - i would guess - is not yet "getting it" that just putting down the bottle/syringe/pipe is not enough. he may seem better while taking the methadone, and it may eliminate his cravings, but it is only one piece of the recovery puzzle.

if you can step away and continue to learn, get support, and work on yourself, thing will continue to become clearer to you. it's hard not getting all our answers right away.

JuneBug

Thanks Coffedrinker. My husband does have a lot of underlying issues that were never dealt with, his addiction counselor wanted to put him in a program that deal with addiction as well as Trauma but the wait list was a year long unless I had $40,000 to hand over and he could have went the next week but I dont have that kind of money nor does he but that was only one center. I gave him the number for another place that did the same thing but as soon as he sees its 4-6 months long he says forget it. If he had gone in jan he would be half done by now but he doesn't see that and thats what the counselor was trying to explain to him that by the time he waits for this date to come he could have already been there doing the work.
I'm not sure what he is going to do now because the program that he is set to enter in the end of march doesn't take clients who are on methadone they are total absintence and I am guessing he doesn't know that and the counselor doesn't know that or she does but he choose this way anyway. last night he said he is committed to still going to rehab even though he is on methadone.