endangered

I posted earlier this week about my husbands 'relaspse' into pain pill addiction. I'm not so sure it is technically a relapse as he never really quit over the last two years.

He left me one week into a 6 week recovery from complicated foot surgery that requires me to bare no weight on it. So, while he was at the clinic on methadone, I was here with three kids and no way to walk, drive, or even carry a drink with my walker or crutches, not to mention cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and chasing a 3 year old. Now he is out but of course he is gone to NA every night while I am still here in the same position and will be for 3 more weeks! I am soooooooo pissed off!

In addition to this, I just had another filling fall out (I have several that are in really bad shape and next to the health and salvation of my family my teeth are the next most important thing to me....obsession....maybe but I have nightmares most nights of them crumbling and spitting out handfuls of teeth at a time.) I have bipolar disorder and am on SSDI after 20 years of busting my butt to try to earn good money to survive while slowly feeling I was losing my sanity.

AH decided to quit his job a couple of years ago when company started drug testing (I thought it was all about pot....evidentally pills too). So naturally this means no dental insurance. Naturally he 'promised' we'd get my teeth fixed two years ago. Clearly that didn't happen and now they are all falling out. There is a dental clinic but only silver fillings (in the front!!) no root canals or crowns just pull em' or silver. So while I have been supporting his ass financially for years (the last two on a fixed income) he has been downing 15 oxy's a day (blind as a flippin' bat I was) now, I lose that which I held so dear.

Ultimately I believe we will never make it anyway as he is a Jekell and Hyde personality. To everyone outside our home he is a GREAT guy. Here he is a hateful, crude, and down right selfish. Believe me when I tell you it's not just the drugs.

Anyway, I am venting. I can't even get out to Al anon right now thanks to his wonderful timing on this crap so to anyone I have offended I do apologize this is just the only place I have to vent.

coffeedrinker

can you not go to al-anon cuz he has the car? and he won't drop you off and pick you up? i mean, could he drop you off and then scoot over to his meeting?

did he go to rehab, is that what being in "the clinic" is? have you told him how you feel?

i'm sorry, it sounds pretty awful. is he clean now? i mean, do you think he is actually going to n/a?

suki44883

I'm so sorry you are dealing with such a jerk, especially while you are laid up. Is there anyone you can call to come help you out sometimes? A family member or friend from work? Just for a few weeks until you are up on your feet?

I assume you have a job and are the only source of income for the family. That pretty much puts you in the driver's seat, after you are well, of course. While you can't do anything right now, you might give consideration to leaving his rotten a$$ after you have recovered. This man doesn't deserve you and the fact that he's not active in his addiction at the moment doesn't change that fact. Sober up a jerk and you're still left with a sober jerk.

Sorry, I guess I felt like ranting a bit, too. (((((HUGS)))))

Impurrfect

((Endangered)) - I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I'm an RA as well as a recovering codie. I came here with a lot of resentments, some were to my 3 XABF's but most were at myself. I can even understand you on the teeth...unfortunately, I did the damage myself with my using of crack.

I've never gone to an al-anon meeting, but I've spent hours and hours here, and I'm blessed to have a few people in my life who are not codies that I can talk to. It took me a while of reading her and letting things sink in before I could get past the resentment toward myself. Makes life pretty miserable, I tell ya....it's not like you can get away from yourself!

The thing is, most of the stuff I had to work out in my head was CODIE stuff....yes, I am an addict and I've done some things I regret....I've done things I regret for many MORE years as a codie.

When I get to that point now, where I'm angry and fed up, or overwhelmed I have to stop and find out what is MY part in this...put myself back in my hula hoop. I have to figure out exactly what I can do about it, right now, maybe tomorrow. I've had to learn some lessons about humility thanks to this economy and my own errors. I've gotten down about them, at times, but I choose to believe that they are part of a path I'm meant to walk and as soon as I learn the lesson I'm meant to learn, I'll move onto a better path....at least that's what my history has shown thus far.

I'm really sorry you're left with all this to deal with.

Big hugs and prayers!

Amy

endangered

Thank you all for your concern and responses. It's good to have a place to go where people kind of 'get it'. To answer some of the above questions. I haven't been able to get to al anon because of my foot. Not suppose to be up but since he is gone every night I HAVE to be up anyway so I will start going next week.

I do believe he is going to na & I know it is a must but under the circumstances it still gets my goat! I don't have a job, I worked for nearly 20 years but finally had to file for disability due to raging bipolar disorder (somewhat under control by meds now) and due to this d@@$ congenital foot ailment so my income is SSDI only, hardly enough to support 5 people. No dental insurance for me or him & no health insurance for him. Really worries me in the long run especially since he has clearly not taken care of himself. He says he would rather be kill himself than go back to work for someone else. Says he won't have someone telling him what he can do in his 'off' time (smoking pot) so I see no improvement financially or insurance wise on the horizon. He has his own business but it is not profitable, it operates at a loss. I guess right now I just have alot of crisises (sp?) going on and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

suki44883

Are you not able to receive Medicaid? When my daughter was receiving SSI for her inability to work, she was also put on Medicaid which took care of her dental needs in addition to medical. It would definitely be worth your while to check it out if you haven't already.

endangered

Don't I wish. Believe it or not a family of five earning $1700.00 a month does not qualify for medicaid on a disabled person. Oh well, should I go with our founding fathers wooden teeth or just 'gum it'?? lol. A little leviety never hurts.

Carol Star

He isn't sober if he is smoking pot. They would know if he was in NA.

endangered

How would they know at na if he is smoking pot (only at bed time - not daylight to dark like before) if he doesn't tell them and isn't high at the meeting?

He is up ranting & raving this a.m. . because he didn't sleep last night. He is being hateful to my animals . Since he is SUPPOSE to be taking care of three year old and me and since he hadn't slept for 3 nights straight I gave him neurontin on Thurs. & Fri. night. It's not addictive but I can't keep giving up my meds (for neuropathy).

I just wish I could hurry up and get better so I could once again need him for nothing.

coffeedrinker

hey endangered,

do you remember a time when your husband was NOT a jerk? cuz this just sounds so wrong in so many ways. when my abf (who is not your ah, i realize) is clean and sober, he is loving and generous. i would never be abandoned in my time of need.

this is what i think: he is not recovering. #1 - he is still mood-altering. #2 - he is frustrated because smoking a bowl at the end of the day is simply not "enough" #3 - he is really not working a program. does he share with you where he is in the process? i know it takes a little time to get your 'sea legs' but if he has been going to n/a and not using for any more than a couple weeks, something is most def not right.

do you have a plan for your family once you get YOUR 'sea legs' back?

outtolunch

May we assume the 3 children are his and he does not want financial responsibility for them.

He quit his job a few years ago when they started drug testing?

He would rather die than work for someone else, again?

Take substance abuse out of the picture, not sure why he's still in the picture. What's in this, for you?

endangered

He has always had a temper but since we started dating when I was fifteen and married as soon as I graduated (trying to escape dysfunctional home life - father was an alcoholic and verbally and physically abusive to my mother) I was to young and foolish to believe this would not change. Besides his temper tantrums wern't as bad as the ones at home (not physical). I could take up for myself and did not realize he would be so hateful with his own kids. My dad was a horrible husband but loved us kids more than life its self so I wrongly assumed that even if he was grouchy with me he wouldn't be with them.

We separted for about a year and he convinced me he had truly changed and things would be different so I, like a fool, let him come back and then number 3 came along despite my best efforts. I wouldn't trade her for all the world but as I am sure you guys know this only further complicated some things.

Yes, he use to be hard working and although he didn't earn much he always turned it over for support of the family. Despite his temper he was spiritual and said he always struggled with depression and tried many meds that did not work. He said he was trying his best.

Yes, all three children are his and if only he would get a solid job that gave us a steady income with health and dental insurance I would feel like he was really trying but he says that if his business is still not working in a year he will file for disability. Believe me, if I thought he was truly disabled I would be in his corner but since he managed to be reasonably content and capable in his full time job for 20 years before pot and pills I think he just won't do it cause he can't pass drug test.

Not much in it for me except over the next month until I recover from surgery. I DREAD the confrontation, I will probably have to get a restraining order and involve the law to keep him away from me.

Right now everything is wrong....I am laid up, my teeth are falling out, my house is going to hell in a hand basket because I can't get up and do anything, my husband is an addict and my car is in bad shape even though it is a 2007 with only 47,000 miles. I have taken it to 3 mechanics who all say they can't find anything but it revs up on its own going down the road and won't shift gears. I feel very overwhelmed and am fighting panic attacks. I don't know how much more I can take.

He hasn't had any pills in 11 days but was on methadone for 5 of those when he was admitted to detox clinic. He hasn't talked about na much in the last couple of days but was prior to that.

As far as help goes all I have is my mother who isn't in great health and is in her later 70's. His family is ABSOLUTELY NO HELP. They even brought their dog up for us to babysit while they went out of town for the weekend. I would never have agreed but AH did now he is being mean to the dog! I really don't have 'friends', I get along with everyone buy my bipolar disorder is disabling enough that it seems to prevent any real long term friendships. I'm at the end of my rope.

endangered

Going to quit my b##**##* and moaning now. Just had to get it all out. As I said I am throughly overwhelmed and starting to get physically ill. Since this will only make things worse I am just going to tie a knot & hold on for the next few weeks until I recover. Maybe miracles will happen, maybe they won't, so I'll pray for the miracles and plan in case that isn't the plan. Don't know the answers right now but even in the darkest hour I trust the Lord. I am down but not defeated. All I can do is try to LET GO AND LET GOD!