Just wanted to bounce this off of my SR friends...
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Join Date: May 2008
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Just wanted to bounce this off of my SR friends...
I am not even sure where to start. I need some advice. My STBXAH is very, very bad. Worse than he's ever been. His family is desperately trying to get him to rehab. He keeps saying he'll go in a few more days. He's been saying this for 2 months.
I am hearing that word on the street is that he's dealing drugs now. Out of MIL's house. He just turned 40 and there are reports of kids in their very early 20's running in and out of the house. Babies themselves. I am sickened, disgusted and repulsed. One of the kids mentioned is someone that WE went to school with's daughter. One of our friends. Apparantly he is dealing with alot of young kids and I know these kid's parents and they won't keep quiet. They will raise a ruckus with the police as they should.
I know - remove myself from the situation. I'm trying to do my best, but he's dealing with kids whose parents have $ and influence in our town. My AH has been whacked out of his mind 24/7. He has been this way before, but never ever for this long. When he comes 'to' he never remembers what he did. He's the 'walmart incident' (for those of you who remember that) 24/7.
I am a nervous wreck and feel like I'm having panic attacks. I'd been trying to get him to open a gun safe that we have. The kids had $600 in there and they want to open checking accounts. For a month now he's been saying he'll get the combo (he'd forgotten it). I ended up calling the company and opening up the safe and it's empty. He had valuable guns, knives, coins, family heirlooms. All of it gone. All of it pawned. Kid's $ gone. He keeps saying he'll replace it. They keep asking about the safe and their $. What in the heck do I or should I tell them?
Kids keep asking if they can call daddy, when can we see him, etc. I try to steer them clear of calling him or divert their attention, but they keep asking more and more. Just a few months ago he was a good dad, doing things with them etc. Now he's just not there. He's making them promises and not following through. Says he'll call and he doesn't. They are confused and don't know what's going on. They want to go spend the night @ their grandma's house (MIL) but can't because AH is there. They said well can he just leave and we can stay? I won't allow that because of all of the trash that's been coming and going.
I know one of two things will happen if he doesn't get into treatment and out of here. He'll either end up in jail or dead. I would say dead. I am doing my best to try to wash my hands of him, but it's hard because he's not capable of knowing his own phone number right now. He slurs, stumbles can't walk most of the time anymore.
MIL ended up going back home today to run everybody off (she's stayed with SIL for 2 months because of AH). Her house has been broken into 3x in the last few months.
I don't know what I'm asking for here. Maybe just someone to talk me down. I know I didn't cause it, can't control it blah, blah blah. The entire town is rampant with gossip about him and my name is being thrown in there as well. They are shocked that it's AH. I re-read my post and I am describing a punk junkie and someone that I never ever thought I would be married too and care about. The divorce will be final in a few weeks, but I still care about him. Sorry for rambling - I just wanted to put this out there for advice.
I am hearing that word on the street is that he's dealing drugs now. Out of MIL's house. He just turned 40 and there are reports of kids in their very early 20's running in and out of the house. Babies themselves. I am sickened, disgusted and repulsed. One of the kids mentioned is someone that WE went to school with's daughter. One of our friends. Apparantly he is dealing with alot of young kids and I know these kid's parents and they won't keep quiet. They will raise a ruckus with the police as they should.
I know - remove myself from the situation. I'm trying to do my best, but he's dealing with kids whose parents have $ and influence in our town. My AH has been whacked out of his mind 24/7. He has been this way before, but never ever for this long. When he comes 'to' he never remembers what he did. He's the 'walmart incident' (for those of you who remember that) 24/7.
I am a nervous wreck and feel like I'm having panic attacks. I'd been trying to get him to open a gun safe that we have. The kids had $600 in there and they want to open checking accounts. For a month now he's been saying he'll get the combo (he'd forgotten it). I ended up calling the company and opening up the safe and it's empty. He had valuable guns, knives, coins, family heirlooms. All of it gone. All of it pawned. Kid's $ gone. He keeps saying he'll replace it. They keep asking about the safe and their $. What in the heck do I or should I tell them?
Kids keep asking if they can call daddy, when can we see him, etc. I try to steer them clear of calling him or divert their attention, but they keep asking more and more. Just a few months ago he was a good dad, doing things with them etc. Now he's just not there. He's making them promises and not following through. Says he'll call and he doesn't. They are confused and don't know what's going on. They want to go spend the night @ their grandma's house (MIL) but can't because AH is there. They said well can he just leave and we can stay? I won't allow that because of all of the trash that's been coming and going.
I know one of two things will happen if he doesn't get into treatment and out of here. He'll either end up in jail or dead. I would say dead. I am doing my best to try to wash my hands of him, but it's hard because he's not capable of knowing his own phone number right now. He slurs, stumbles can't walk most of the time anymore.
MIL ended up going back home today to run everybody off (she's stayed with SIL for 2 months because of AH). Her house has been broken into 3x in the last few months.
I don't know what I'm asking for here. Maybe just someone to talk me down. I know I didn't cause it, can't control it blah, blah blah. The entire town is rampant with gossip about him and my name is being thrown in there as well. They are shocked that it's AH. I re-read my post and I am describing a punk junkie and someone that I never ever thought I would be married too and care about. The divorce will be final in a few weeks, but I still care about him. Sorry for rambling - I just wanted to put this out there for advice.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Let go, or be dragged, Callie. That's all I can say to you.
What he's doing, who's he's doing it with, it's all beyond your control.
God is either everything, or he is nothing.
This May will mark another anniversary since my EXAH died. The devastation and pain that he heaped on family and friends was indescribable.
I do truly believe he is at peace now.
I couldn't save him. His parents couldn't save him. His brother couldn't save him. The system/courts couldn't save him.
Your AH knows what recovery is. He made the conscious choice to go back to active addiction.
What he's doing, who's he's doing it with, it's all beyond your control.
God is either everything, or he is nothing.
This May will mark another anniversary since my EXAH died. The devastation and pain that he heaped on family and friends was indescribable.
I do truly believe he is at peace now.
I couldn't save him. His parents couldn't save him. His brother couldn't save him. The system/courts couldn't save him.
Your AH knows what recovery is. He made the conscious choice to go back to active addiction.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Jersey
Posts: 229
What have you told the kids about their dad? Do they know he is using drugs and this is why they cannot see him? Or do they just think he isn't feeling well?
As for what is being gossiped around town... there is nothing you can do to stop it. If you are keeping your distance from him and the goings on at MIL house, the truth will be revealed in its own time. If you are still going over there and trying to rescue him, unfortunately people will believe that you are involved as well. Kinda like when we were growing up and our parents used to say "you are the company you keep". You cannot control what others will say or think, just like you cannot control what your STBXAH does.
I am sorry you are still enmeshed in all of this. You deserve better... Is there any possible way for you to go No Contact with him and the in-laws for now?
As for what is being gossiped around town... there is nothing you can do to stop it. If you are keeping your distance from him and the goings on at MIL house, the truth will be revealed in its own time. If you are still going over there and trying to rescue him, unfortunately people will believe that you are involved as well. Kinda like when we were growing up and our parents used to say "you are the company you keep". You cannot control what others will say or think, just like you cannot control what your STBXAH does.
I am sorry you are still enmeshed in all of this. You deserve better... Is there any possible way for you to go No Contact with him and the in-laws for now?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Callie)) - I'm sorry he's getting worse, but ((Freedom's)) right.
As far as the kids, if rumors are all over town, don't you think there's a good chance the kids are going to hear something? I know you don't want them to know the sordid details, but you may want them to know enough that there is a reason they can't see him right now. The imagination of a child is often far worse than the truth. They also blame themselves...no matter what the issue, this is what kids do.
It sounds like he doesn't want recovery, sweetie, and I'm here to tell you that unless he gets locked up, it sounds like he's going to continue doing what he's doing. I'm sorry. I really, really am. I wasn't with my XABF nearly as long, didn't have kids but I know how much it hurt to accept that there was nothing I could do to make him stop.
He's past the point of hearing anything you or anyone else say. It's not going to register. I'm sorry.
Big hugs to you and your kids!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
As far as the kids, if rumors are all over town, don't you think there's a good chance the kids are going to hear something? I know you don't want them to know the sordid details, but you may want them to know enough that there is a reason they can't see him right now. The imagination of a child is often far worse than the truth. They also blame themselves...no matter what the issue, this is what kids do.
It sounds like he doesn't want recovery, sweetie, and I'm here to tell you that unless he gets locked up, it sounds like he's going to continue doing what he's doing. I'm sorry. I really, really am. I wasn't with my XABF nearly as long, didn't have kids but I know how much it hurt to accept that there was nothing I could do to make him stop.
He's past the point of hearing anything you or anyone else say. It's not going to register. I'm sorry.
Big hugs to you and your kids!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I'm going to pray that a neighbor or someone calls the police. I would call if that was happening next door or on my street.
As far as what to tell your kids about the money, you could always tell the truth and say he was so sick he used their money. What will you say to them if/when he lands in prison or dead? If you think other kids/adults might talk about it with them, it might be a good idea to prepare for that.
As far as what to tell your kids about the money, you could always tell the truth and say he was so sick he used their money. What will you say to them if/when he lands in prison or dead? If you think other kids/adults might talk about it with them, it might be a good idea to prepare for that.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree that there is nothing you can do right now. Tell the truth and hold your head up high. YOU have done nothing to be ashamed of.
I think I would tell the kids the truth too, as appropriate to their ages as I could. They will hear it anyway, they probably already know and they are probably scared and need someone to talk to about it...and that would be you. It's not their fault, they should know that.
Keeping all of you in my prayers. It's just awful that addiction can throw so many lives into chaos.
Hugs
I think I would tell the kids the truth too, as appropriate to their ages as I could. They will hear it anyway, they probably already know and they are probably scared and need someone to talk to about it...and that would be you. It's not their fault, they should know that.
Keeping all of you in my prayers. It's just awful that addiction can throw so many lives into chaos.
Hugs
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I have told the kids that dad is sick. They know it's drugs. They know that he's not their dad right now. Their real dad, the one that is not sick would not do this to them. I also told them that he needs help and that we're trying to get him into treatment and if he will go they will see their 'real dad' again. I assured them that he loves them, but that he's not himself because of the drugs right now. I also explained that they can't go to MIL's house right now because people that weren't suppose to be there had been in there and I don't want them around that. I also said that when I felt it was ok to go in there, that they could. I just had a conversation with them today and they're feeling better. I'm feeling better about it too.
I am not running in there and trying to rescue him anymore. I've pretty much left him alone to his own devices. He's not been out here either, the last time I talked with him he'd tried to get $ and a ride to get drugs. I declined, but said when he was ready to get help, I would help him then. When I saw him he hadn't showered in days, greasy hair, dirty hands, powder coming out of his nose (I think he's snorting oxy's along with the heroin). Prior to this he would have never left the house without showering, gel in his hair, cologne on etc. He was scary looking. His arms are a mess and infected. They're completely swollen.
I've tried talking with him and telling him that HE had better make a decision to go into treatment. Right now he has a choice to get help. If he keeps on going the decision (prison) will be made for him. He's never been in trouble with the law before. (except for the walmart incident). He's keeps spiraling out of control and I guarantee that when/if he comes out on the other side he won't remember anything.
I've had (from what he says) undercover police officers driving by MY house staking it out. I told him if there's anything here that shouldn't be, he needs to get it out. He said you don't have to let them in w/o a search warrant. I said I'll let them in anytime they wish.
I am so sickened by what he's doing. He's a pathetic mess right now. He's on his death bed if he doesn't do something. It's to the point where I don't even go to the grocery store in my own town. I'll drive 30 miles to the other town to get them. I cannot take the gossip right now. From the outside looking in, we had it all. The house, the cars, the clothes all of it. People eat this up. The homecoming queen is married to a drug addict. I know the only thing that I can do is the right thing. Hold my head as high as I can and one foot in front of the other. I just can't believe it's gone this far down, but I know the only thing that I can do is get out - which is what I'm doing. It's still hard to watch someone that you love kill himself. I feel like I'm behind a glass window - helpless - watching him put nuse around his neck, grab a chair and kick it away.
I am not running in there and trying to rescue him anymore. I've pretty much left him alone to his own devices. He's not been out here either, the last time I talked with him he'd tried to get $ and a ride to get drugs. I declined, but said when he was ready to get help, I would help him then. When I saw him he hadn't showered in days, greasy hair, dirty hands, powder coming out of his nose (I think he's snorting oxy's along with the heroin). Prior to this he would have never left the house without showering, gel in his hair, cologne on etc. He was scary looking. His arms are a mess and infected. They're completely swollen.
I've tried talking with him and telling him that HE had better make a decision to go into treatment. Right now he has a choice to get help. If he keeps on going the decision (prison) will be made for him. He's never been in trouble with the law before. (except for the walmart incident). He's keeps spiraling out of control and I guarantee that when/if he comes out on the other side he won't remember anything.
I've had (from what he says) undercover police officers driving by MY house staking it out. I told him if there's anything here that shouldn't be, he needs to get it out. He said you don't have to let them in w/o a search warrant. I said I'll let them in anytime they wish.
I am so sickened by what he's doing. He's a pathetic mess right now. He's on his death bed if he doesn't do something. It's to the point where I don't even go to the grocery store in my own town. I'll drive 30 miles to the other town to get them. I cannot take the gossip right now. From the outside looking in, we had it all. The house, the cars, the clothes all of it. People eat this up. The homecoming queen is married to a drug addict. I know the only thing that I can do is the right thing. Hold my head as high as I can and one foot in front of the other. I just can't believe it's gone this far down, but I know the only thing that I can do is get out - which is what I'm doing. It's still hard to watch someone that you love kill himself. I feel like I'm behind a glass window - helpless - watching him put nuse around his neck, grab a chair and kick it away.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I know it is so hard watching them destroy themselves and their lives. So so hard! Sigh....I guess I just wanted to tell you I know how you feel and it can become overwhelming at times. I went throught the panic attacks also and had to go to the doctor. I was getting to the point of not being able to function due to the panic attacks.
All you can do is take care of you and your kids. I'm not sure if you have or not but just going to the doctor and having a full check up and talking to him made me feel a little better.
All you can do is take care of you and your kids. I'm not sure if you have or not but just going to the doctor and having a full check up and talking to him made me feel a little better.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Hold your head up high!! It's not your fault. This is his issue, and his drug problem. I know that you feel embarrassed, etc. What can you do? It's not like other people don't have drug addicts/alcoholics in their family. I know you think it's a reflection on you, but it's not. You are your own person and make your own decisions separate from your husband. You can't control his actions. You have so much to be proud of. You've done a great job getting him out of the house and concentrating on your kids.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
very sad to hear the havoc is still being wrecked on you and your children. sadly, without treatment the only two possible endings are incarceration or death. you already know this, but you must work to save yourself and your kiddos. some therapy might prove helpful. they are fearful and confused and very well may start acting out when the anger kicks in. i'm so so sorry.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
we're trying to get him into treatment and if he will go they will see their 'real dad' again.
Maybe you need to detach a little more and help your children move more solidly in that direction... so they won't be disappointed and holding on to dreams of a magical cure in rehab. Help them let go. Help them realize that:
They didn't cause it.
They can't control it.
They can't cure it.
While you help yourself remember the same thing.
Kids, your dad loves you but he is sick. I know it's hard to understand. He is making really bad choices that have nothing to do with you. I love you. And I will always take care of you. Someday he may get better. But right now you have lots of important things to focus on - school, sports, friends. Try not to worry. No matter what happens with your father, we will be ok.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by Callie 
I am hearing that word on the street
I am a nervous wreck and feel like I'm having panic attacks. I'd been trying to get him to open a gun safe that we have.
For a month now he's been saying he'll get the combo He keeps saying he'll replace it.
Says he'll call and he doesn't.
. He slurs, stumbles can't walk most of the time anymore.
.
I am a nervous wreck and feel like I'm having panic attacks. I'd been trying to get him to open a gun safe that we have.
For a month now he's been saying he'll get the combo He keeps saying he'll replace it.
Says he'll call and he doesn't.
. He slurs, stumbles can't walk most of the time anymore.
.
Callie, the reason I broke this down for you is hard, but yet quite simple.
Tell people the following....... "please don't discuss my exah with me. I have let go, and I can't do this. I am not trying to be rude, but my children and I need to move forward. Please respect my need to let go. I do not wish to hear, what/who/when / where / how, he is doing."
Simple.
Keep it away from you.
Keep it away from them.
If they ask "daddy" questions.... just carry on callie. Settle it once and for all, by explaining ONE last time, that dad is sick, and will not be home. Tell them that you guys will carry on. They will be hurt, yes. BUT in the future, they can say, "mom protected us, by eliminating drama. She told us the truth, told us to pull up our boot straps and carry on."
This is life, not a hayride honey. It is this bad. You are getting a divorce. He is no longer there..... so stop putting him "there" by allowing people to 'tell' you information about him. It's not your problem anymore, unless you make it yours.
((hugs))
Love,
Cess
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Thread Starter
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Kids, your dad loves you but he is sick. I know it's hard to understand. He is making really bad choices that have nothing to do with you. I love you. And I will always take care of you. Someday he may get better. But right now you have lots of important things to focus on - school, sports, friends. Try not to worry. No matter what happens with your father, we will be ok.
Perfect HK - thank you. I will do just that. I don't know why, but I never thought about the fact that I was possibly giving the kids false hope in him recovering. Thank you.
Can I get any thoughts on how to handle DS? He becomes clingy and whiney when he talks with his dad. He's asks alot to call him. Do you think it's better to allow him to talk to him when he asks or to minimize it when he asks? When I've asked DS how this makes him feel he doesn't want to talk about it and he avoids it. DD will say she's mad or angry, hurt, disappointed etc. I try to keep things as normal as possible, but I do worry about DS. I'm trying to get them in to talk with someone, but haven't found anyone yet.
He's been to 4 rehabs. His family and he are looking into getting him into treatment using ********. YouTube - ******** IN THE NEWS
Cess - also perfect... please don't discuss my exah with me. I have let go, and I can't do this. I am not trying to be rude, but my children and I need to move forward. Please respect my need to let go. I do not wish to hear, what/who/when / where / how, he is doing.
I've been avoiding going to our town simply because I don't know what to say or how to act when I get empathetic looks or laughs behind my back. Maybe it's better to confront it by facing it instead of avoiding it. The kids have wanted to go to church lately. I've not went because I don't know how to respond. Now I do. Thanks both of you. This makes me feel so much better.
Perfect HK - thank you. I will do just that. I don't know why, but I never thought about the fact that I was possibly giving the kids false hope in him recovering. Thank you.
Can I get any thoughts on how to handle DS? He becomes clingy and whiney when he talks with his dad. He's asks alot to call him. Do you think it's better to allow him to talk to him when he asks or to minimize it when he asks? When I've asked DS how this makes him feel he doesn't want to talk about it and he avoids it. DD will say she's mad or angry, hurt, disappointed etc. I try to keep things as normal as possible, but I do worry about DS. I'm trying to get them in to talk with someone, but haven't found anyone yet.
He's been to 4 rehabs. His family and he are looking into getting him into treatment using ********. YouTube - ******** IN THE NEWS
Cess - also perfect... please don't discuss my exah with me. I have let go, and I can't do this. I am not trying to be rude, but my children and I need to move forward. Please respect my need to let go. I do not wish to hear, what/who/when / where / how, he is doing.
I've been avoiding going to our town simply because I don't know what to say or how to act when I get empathetic looks or laughs behind my back. Maybe it's better to confront it by facing it instead of avoiding it. The kids have wanted to go to church lately. I've not went because I don't know how to respond. Now I do. Thanks both of you. This makes me feel so much better.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
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Callie, you have gotten great advise here.
How old are your kids again? My youngest gets whiney adn clingy also, fortuantely he now has a schedule of supervised visits with his dad, and keeps checking "his" little calendar. I worry for the day, which I know will come that his dad cant be allowed for the visit, that day Ill likely substitute with gocarting, but I cant do that forever either.
When things were bad for long periods of time I just told D, he couldnt talk to his Dad, Im sorry but I know whats best and I love him. Eventually that got us through those sad moments.
Just today, even though D's dad had only ben in our home combined time of 5 weeks in a 6 month period, D woke saying I wish daddy was here. I again told him, Im sorry he wasnt but it was better this way. When my son looked at me and said but mommy Daddy doesnt drink anymore let him come home I nearly broke. I reassured him of our love and reminded him how much more fun he has with daddy at grandma's and me here, rather than together. This morning I had the guidance counselor talk to him. He told her with such assurrance exactly what I had said to him and that in 4 days grandma was going to pick him up and he'd see Daddy. Guidance counselor called me back to tell me she'd continue to meet with him but he seemed very well adjusted and to just keep talking to him about things.
As far as the older one, the anger is normal too, its exactly what my oldest is going through and we've been encouraging him to write short stories to vent and this has been working well
How old are your kids again? My youngest gets whiney adn clingy also, fortuantely he now has a schedule of supervised visits with his dad, and keeps checking "his" little calendar. I worry for the day, which I know will come that his dad cant be allowed for the visit, that day Ill likely substitute with gocarting, but I cant do that forever either.
When things were bad for long periods of time I just told D, he couldnt talk to his Dad, Im sorry but I know whats best and I love him. Eventually that got us through those sad moments.
Just today, even though D's dad had only ben in our home combined time of 5 weeks in a 6 month period, D woke saying I wish daddy was here. I again told him, Im sorry he wasnt but it was better this way. When my son looked at me and said but mommy Daddy doesnt drink anymore let him come home I nearly broke. I reassured him of our love and reminded him how much more fun he has with daddy at grandma's and me here, rather than together. This morning I had the guidance counselor talk to him. He told her with such assurrance exactly what I had said to him and that in 4 days grandma was going to pick him up and he'd see Daddy. Guidance counselor called me back to tell me she'd continue to meet with him but he seemed very well adjusted and to just keep talking to him about things.
As far as the older one, the anger is normal too, its exactly what my oldest is going through and we've been encouraging him to write short stories to vent and this has been working well
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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About the kids...
I was just talking with a children's grief counselor and she said that children will tell you everything they need and want you to know in their own time. She said it is best to let them deal with things in their own way and that, unlike many adults, their coping mechanisms are usually very healthy. She explained that it can take a long time, but with patience it will all come out. So rather than asking your Son how he is doing, you might just let him play and do what he needs to do to keep his mind off things. She also suggested that rather than answering every question and responding to every statement that the phrase "I wonder about that" can come in very handy. If they say "Will Daddy get better?" you can say "I'm wondering about that." then let them talk if they like. It doesn't put them on the spot by asking them a question in response, or give them false hope, but does leave room for them to share more if they like.
I love what Hello Kitty suggested.
And I do not believe I would let the kids talk to him right now. They need distance from him, and to slowly begin understanding that they way things are now might be the new normal. It sounds very disruptive for them.
I was just talking with a children's grief counselor and she said that children will tell you everything they need and want you to know in their own time. She said it is best to let them deal with things in their own way and that, unlike many adults, their coping mechanisms are usually very healthy. She explained that it can take a long time, but with patience it will all come out. So rather than asking your Son how he is doing, you might just let him play and do what he needs to do to keep his mind off things. She also suggested that rather than answering every question and responding to every statement that the phrase "I wonder about that" can come in very handy. If they say "Will Daddy get better?" you can say "I'm wondering about that." then let them talk if they like. It doesn't put them on the spot by asking them a question in response, or give them false hope, but does leave room for them to share more if they like.
I love what Hello Kitty suggested.
And I do not believe I would let the kids talk to him right now. They need distance from him, and to slowly begin understanding that they way things are now might be the new normal. It sounds very disruptive for them.
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