new here and need help :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 8
new here and need help :(
hi this is my first post and i really need some advice from people who know about addiction so i figured this would be the best place. my fiance ( or now ex fiance i should say) is a heroin addict. we were living together planning a wedding and a life together and he hid this from me for i have no idea how long. so i cancelled the wedding and kicked him out. he lost everything so he had no other choice but to go to a rehab and he will be there for 3 to 6 months. this all happened so fast ( within 2 days) and im completly lost. we have been togthether for years. i just cant believe he did this to himself, to us. there were signs ( money missing, disapearing, nodding out,) but i never imagined heroin! he went to work everyday, showered me with affection, helped me plan a wedding... and u are secretly doing this? now he is emailing me from rehab and telling me how great he is doing.. ( its been three weeks) and a part of me wants to take him back. i miss him but how can i after he did these horrible things? did i do the right thing? what if he really does stop and we can still have a great life, or should i just run away from this and never look back? im so confused and feel so stupid and gulity for pressuring him about money, and the wedding, i feel like i pushed him. i dont want this kind of life for myself, but i love him so much.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Confused)) - welcome to SR!
First of all, there is nothing YOU did that pushed him toward heroin. I'm an RA (recovering addict); I have loved ones who are addicts. I have almost 3 years clean and there no one and nothing that could make me use right now.
We talk, here, about the 3 c's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Personally, I think you did the right thing. The best thing my family did for me was to step back and let me face the consequences of my using. As for taking him back? I would wait and see how he does for about a year, myself. Quitting the dope isn't the hard part....it's living life and not picking it back up, that's hard.
The other thing to think about is addiction is forever. Rehab isn't a cure. There IS no cure. I am one bad decision away from returning to the streetwalking crackhead that I was 3 years ago. It's up to me to make sure I don't make that bad decision. Are you willing to live a life with someone, knowing that relapse is a possibility?
One more piece of advice. Don't go by what he says..not in rehab, nor when he gets out. Go by his actions. Our actions will speak the truth every time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
First of all, there is nothing YOU did that pushed him toward heroin. I'm an RA (recovering addict); I have loved ones who are addicts. I have almost 3 years clean and there no one and nothing that could make me use right now.
We talk, here, about the 3 c's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Personally, I think you did the right thing. The best thing my family did for me was to step back and let me face the consequences of my using. As for taking him back? I would wait and see how he does for about a year, myself. Quitting the dope isn't the hard part....it's living life and not picking it back up, that's hard.
The other thing to think about is addiction is forever. Rehab isn't a cure. There IS no cure. I am one bad decision away from returning to the streetwalking crackhead that I was 3 years ago. It's up to me to make sure I don't make that bad decision. Are you willing to live a life with someone, knowing that relapse is a possibility?
One more piece of advice. Don't go by what he says..not in rehab, nor when he gets out. Go by his actions. Our actions will speak the truth every time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
any time, sweetie. You may want to read around some other posts, and the "sticky's" - they're the posts at the top of the forum. You'll see what life is like, loving an addict.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
First of all, there is nothing YOU did that pushed him toward heroin.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome to sr. sorry this is happening. i agree with impurrfect. i'm a recovering addict too, with 8yrs clean and i too am only one bad decision away from being strung out again.today i can in no way promise that i'll never use again, all i can say is one day at a time i'll do my best not to use.
my family walked away too, allowing me to suffer the consequences of my actions. it took me hitting my bottom before i could see for myself how bad my life had become.
i agree, his addiction has nothing at all to do with you and nothing you so or say will make him want to stay sober. rehab is only the very beginning of recovery, the hard work began after rehab and it will take a strong commitment to do whatever it takes to stay clean.
there is always a strong possibility that what you've already gone through with this, will happen again. i pray not though.
addiction is life long, rcovery is a life long process and relapse can happen at any time, for any reason, with/ without warning and last for any amount of time. i proceeded to marry my addicted bf, against the advice of all who knew us both. that was one of the biggest mistakes i've ever made. it took 21ys of him moving in, moving out, using then sober, yr after yr as his addiction progressively got worse and so with his attitude and behavior, before i finally had to separated anyway. trying to cope with his addiction was slowly driving me literally insane.
i agree, wait if you can and watch his actions. maybe you could check out a few alanon meetings for yourself. i'm praying for you and yours.
my family walked away too, allowing me to suffer the consequences of my actions. it took me hitting my bottom before i could see for myself how bad my life had become.
i agree, his addiction has nothing at all to do with you and nothing you so or say will make him want to stay sober. rehab is only the very beginning of recovery, the hard work began after rehab and it will take a strong commitment to do whatever it takes to stay clean.
there is always a strong possibility that what you've already gone through with this, will happen again. i pray not though.
addiction is life long, rcovery is a life long process and relapse can happen at any time, for any reason, with/ without warning and last for any amount of time. i proceeded to marry my addicted bf, against the advice of all who knew us both. that was one of the biggest mistakes i've ever made. it took 21ys of him moving in, moving out, using then sober, yr after yr as his addiction progressively got worse and so with his attitude and behavior, before i finally had to separated anyway. trying to cope with his addiction was slowly driving me literally insane.
i agree, wait if you can and watch his actions. maybe you could check out a few alanon meetings for yourself. i'm praying for you and yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 8
thanks for the advice. im dealing with it the best way i can. i know i dont want this life for myself. i have a great job in the medical field, a beautiful apartment and a great support system of family and friends. i refuse to lose everything just for him. the pain of missing him just gets so overwhelming its unreal. all the dreams we had for so long, gone and for what? so he could get high on heroin? it will never make sense to me. he was sooo loving and affectionate, he made me feel like i was the only woman in the room always. now i see that i guess that was his way of keeping me wrapped in and blinded to everything. i guess i just pictured a heroin addict differently. not someone who could function in society and go to family parties and be 100% normal.. i dont know how he could hide an addiction like this and sleep in the same bed with me every night and let me plan an entire wedding!! he was even so into it! i started noticing money missing, and him taking my car to get cigs would take an hour..so many little things that i turned a blind eye to. what sucks is the what ifs.. what if he really beats this and goes on to have the life we wanted and the babies we wanted with someone else... but after reading some of the stories on here and how this is a lifelong process, i dont think im willing to take that chance. this website is really helping me im so happy i found it
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
you know that there is always hope but you have to decide if you want to take that chance. with him being eager to help you plan your wedding, forgetting to tell you about his addiction sounds like a "red flag" to me.
have you read "what addicts do"? its one of the stickies at the top of the forum page. i don't want to disencourage you but living in addiction is a very painful life to live. i pray that your bf will continue on in his recovery but there honestly is no guarantees.
i think that its good you are thinking about what all this would mean for you and how it could possibly effect your future. you and yours are in my prayers.give yourself some time, you can always marry him somewhere in the future if thats what you decide to do/
have you read "what addicts do"? its one of the stickies at the top of the forum page. i don't want to disencourage you but living in addiction is a very painful life to live. i pray that your bf will continue on in his recovery but there honestly is no guarantees.
i think that its good you are thinking about what all this would mean for you and how it could possibly effect your future. you and yours are in my prayers.give yourself some time, you can always marry him somewhere in the future if thats what you decide to do/
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