JuneBug

Last night we were sitting watching tv and then right out of the blue AH goes...."So I've been on methadone for a week have you noticed the change?"....I said no.....then goes.......oh thats right you dont believe anything I say anymore...(with a smile on his face)....I said no i don't......then he goes.......but ive got you thinking about it now though....I said no you dont and actually I think 2 weeks ago you said you were on it for a day.............he goes no i did not..........coversation over I ignored the rest. I can't believe he thinks I am that stupid to believe that. Not only that it makes no sense to lie about being on it, for someone who wants to stay married it would have been in his best interest to help himself, doesnt make sense to lie about that.

I can't believe him. Here I am painstakingly going over everything in my mind trying to find a gentle way to say I dont want to be married anymore, I'm going through enough emotions to sink a 10 ton ship and he just keeps throwing in the lies. I even said I dont listen to your lies and he thinks hes telling jokes. Then this morning my cousin had her first baby and as much as I am excited for her I am sad for myself because now I am facing divorce and the thought of having my own family keeps getting further and further away.

Taking5

Methadone is still an opiate, you have withdrawals when you quit it, and if you have too much you can OD and die. Tell him this and tell him you want him to be clean.

Freedom1990

So what do you want for your life? This may very well be as good as it ever gets with him.

You know he lies. The trust is gone.

My biggest fear before I left my EXAH was I would be alone the rest of my life.

So, after I left him, I did nothing to address my codependency issues, and continued to seek out unhealthy relationships with men.

I would rationalize that each one was different, not like the EXAH.

In truth they were all emotionally unavailable at best, and abusive at worst.

When I finally hit my codependent bottom in 1999 after the ex-fiance walked out, I made a commitment to myself.

As terrifying as the prospect was of life without a man, I took the plunge and trusted in my higher power.

What an incredible journey it has been.

:ghug3 :ghug3

justtired

JuneBug~ I've been reading your posts and I had to tell you that the manipulation style your AH uses sounds SO similar to that of my abf. I am soon to be 33 years old and sitting in your boat right along with you (wanting family and getting further from that). I don't know about you, but even if I really believe myself and what I know to be true, that dang manipulation does trip me up sometimes. I don't have a lot of advice to offer right now, but wanted you to know that I am learning a lot from the questions you're asking and wish you the best. Just reading here helps keep me balanced and reminds me what it is we're dealing with and gives me validation... which I think we all need when dealing with manipulative people. Keep coming back, it really does help!

coffeedrinker

junebug,

i'm sorry you're spinning. it sounds as though you have reached the point where you just wanna get off this ride.

a few posts ago you mentioned something about waiting for him to get to rehab....was that wishful thinking, or is he actually planning to go?

perhaps he is trying to do this "on his own" which many of them do before they truly surrender because they can't do it their own way - it just never works. no drugs but a little drinking, changing drug of choice, cutting down - none of it works for any period of time.

the methadone - i would be surprised and floored if i found out that my spouse was doing something this major, that's supposed to be getting him off the other drugs, and did not tell me. i mean, as you say, why wouldn't he tell you? hmm, possibly because he is keeping one foot in the door of drug use. if he tells you about his new lifestyle, using methadone legally and with a dr to get off opiates, then he has made a commitment. he may not be ready to completely made that commitment.

since my abf goes to a methadone clinic, i am tapped into this process. he has had two counselors and has said that both of them have patted him on the back for following all the rules. point being, a lot of the patients do not. i would say (via him) that MOST of them, at his clinic, do not. one thing some of em do, is keep the methadone in their system so they can avoid withdrawals. there's all kinds of things they can do while being on a clinic that is not being "clean", such as using benzo's or stimulants while on m'done. which is extremely dangerous. and as our friend callie experienced with her ah, he was on a clinic, but still bought more m'done on the street and was taking in as much as 500 mg per day - which is an insane amount.

bottom line: he is not working on the marriage, he is not re-establishing trust. this is what people say when they tell us to "look at the behaviors". his behaviors are not those of someone wishing to do those two things.