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Struggling Mom

Old 03-04-2010, 07:26 AM
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Struggling Mom

Thanks everyone for the advice and for letting me know about this link for Family of substance abuse...
Someone told me yesterday that when we kick our kids out it is so we dont have to know everything their doing, which I said over and over in my head last night!! It's true, but I am finding myself almost obsessing about "what is he doing".. why wont he text me back, why wont he return my calls.... Another post said go one day without trying to contact him... Which is my goal for the day. I am not going to call him or text him. I am just going to love him and pray that he finds his higher power to get sober. I read the 7 truths about addicts and cried cause it is as if I wrote it about my feelings. I am going to keep it with me and read it often, I also got the Al-ANON one day at a time book, which helped me last night. I have not been taking care of my-self, which I also have to do along with my 11 yr old and 1 yr old...Thanks god that I am not the only one going through this and all of you actually KNOW how I am feeling and what my struggles are. Friends that I talk to dont understand, they can give advice, but until they have walked in my shoes (your shoes), they truly dont know the hurt, embarrasment, dissapointment, desperateness that I WE all feel!!!
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Old 03-04-2010, 08:13 AM
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Welcome to this most special place.

Like you, I struggled with letting go of my daughter and the outcome. It was humbling to accept that I had no control over her or her choices and that I had to focus on taking care of me.

I too was no stranger to blaming myself, which goes hand in hand with embarrassment. In our society, parent ego is often tied to the choices our children make. And so, when our children make horrible choices, we feel responsible. If only we could love them out of addiction....then none of us would be here.

Letting go is acceptance that we have no control over the outcome.

Nothing wrong with letting your daughter know that you love and support her recovery, at such time she chooses to embrace it. Getting caught up in voice mails and text messages tends to sustain your belief that you can control her and the outcome. This sort of thing sets you up for anxiety, disappointment and anger which can take over your entire life.

May I suggest that you acquire a copy of Codependent No More by melody Beatti. You can pick a copy of at your local library or used on Amazon.
It can make a difference, if you are open to it.
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Old 03-04-2010, 08:23 AM
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Outtolunch, thank you for support... Yes, you are right about the still trying to control via text message... When I really think about it It makes me feel stupid ha ha... All it does, is cause me more grief!!
I will definatley pick up a copy of that book!! I am also going to look into Alanon meetings.

Once again, thank you!!!
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Old 03-04-2010, 10:32 AM
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welcome to sr. sorry about your reason for being here but so glad you are here. lots of exp, strenth and hope here. i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs clean but it was my husband's(rip) addiction that brought me here. i pray that your husband finds his way soon. you and your family are in my prayers.
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Old 03-04-2010, 10:34 AM
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It's actually my son, not my hubby.. It would be much easier to kick the hubby out jk
Thank you for your support.. I am greatful I found this website!!
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Old 03-04-2010, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by enodm View Post
It's actually my son, not my hubby.. It would be much easier to kick the hubby out jk
Thank you for your support.. I am greatful I found this website!!
i'm sorry, i had to go back and re read your post.

on that note, it took for my family to walk away from me in order for me to see for myself how destructive and out of control my life had become which caused me to hit my bottom and become desperate for help and willingness to do whatever needed to stay sober. today i'm 8yrs clean and eternally grateful for my family for walking away. just my exp., everyones bottom is different.
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Old 03-04-2010, 11:51 AM
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TEKE, congrats on your sobriety!!! That's awesome!! I pray my son finds his way. He has the tools, but only he can put them to use. My one hope is that my motherly intution is WRONG, what I am feeling about what is going to happen to him is awful and hope I can come to peace with how I feel knowing only he can do this I cant control it. UGH
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Old 03-04-2010, 12:22 PM
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Enodm: Welcome to SR. Another mother here with an adult son struggling with addiction. I too have allowed my son to struggle with this totally apart from me. So I commend you for the courage to do the right thing by your son.

May I suggest that you not "awfulize" the outcome for your son. According the "Addict in the Family" by Beverly Conyers, the most basic fear we have is the death of our loved one, and that fear is what drives us to do the nutty things we do. But, as you continue to read from those who were addicted but now are not, there are many success stories. And, whatever awful thing you are envisioning could happen right under your very roof while you are cooking dinner in the kitchen, so keeping the insanity in our homes does not lessen the danger that our sons have put themselves in.

Hope that helps. Sounds kind of dreary, but really it's not.
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Old 03-04-2010, 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted by sojourner View Post
May I suggest that you not "awfulize" the outcome for your son. According the "Addict in the Family" by Beverly Conyers, the most basic fear we have is the death of our loved one, and that fear is what drives us to do the nutty things we do. But, as you continue to read from those who were addicted but now are not, there are many success stories. And, whatever awful thing you are envisioning could happen right under your very roof while you are cooking dinner in the kitchen, so keeping the insanity in our homes does not lessen the danger that our sons have put themselves in.
amen!!!!!!!!
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Old 03-04-2010, 12:45 PM
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sojourner, your post brought tears to my eyes (in a good way). I know I need to STOP thinking about him over dosing or with him huffing carb cleaner now as well.. driving and killing someone else.. I have played it out in my head over and over, which I am sure you have done too.
I need to remember all of all of the success stories and tell myself this is his battle and he will over-come it.
I need counseling I have decided ha ha.... I am going to check into alnon meetings in my area.
THANK YOU!!!

A good note tho.. today is the first day I have felt this strong and have not called or texted him to check up on him. One hour at a time
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Old 03-04-2010, 01:19 PM
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Welcome enodm,

My son is also the addict in my life and I too know the struggle of loving him sooo much that it hurts.

You sound like you have found some good tools for yourself from SR and are trying to put them to good use - YEAH FOR YOU!!! Keep up the good work.
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Old 03-04-2010, 01:58 PM
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Our son began using when he was 15 he is now 21 and progressed all the way to shooting oxy and using black tar heroin. Today, and all I measure is one day at a time, he is clean. Has been clean since Thanksgiving.

With addiction there are some very dark paths an addict can follow and there are some very dark paths in your mind a parent can follow too. However, there can be a clearing and light at the end of some paths too.
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Old 03-04-2010, 08:07 PM
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Thanks everyone, this all helps so much!!! After I talked to him earlier I went swimmimg with my 1 year old and have not called him. Tomorrow will be a new day.
xoxo
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Old 03-04-2010, 09:00 PM
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Fear - doubt - and worry only rob you of serenity

Stay away from thinking about the "what-ifs..."
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