What a mess!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: hillsville
Posts: 49
What a mess!
Hello. I am new here and could use some advice. I have a real mess with AH.
We meet at my 9th grade prom, dated through high school, and married when I was 18 and 1 month old. At the time I knew he had some anger management issues but was to immature to understand that this problem would continue on forever and really affect his relationship with our kids. He has always been very moody, easily set off, and go on ranting and raving kicks but it really fot kicked up a notch after we had kids. Still, he was spiritual, repectful of elders, hardworking, and loved me very much.
I came from a disfunctional home where my father was an alcoholic and abusive to my mother but treated we children as gold. I guess this is what I thought my husband would be like with our kids. WRONG! His relationship with the girls is and always has been rough to down right terrible. I am always explaining ones point of view to the other and trying to keep and make peace between them. All this has gone on for 20 years now. I guess I should have left him when I was younger but I didn't know how to live on my own and be single mother plus I thought I could change him. lol.
Anyway, we now have a 3 year old that loves him and they have had a relatively good relationship but I see it slipping. When we got pregnant I had no idea that he was already abusing pills. Same old story, he had played with them recreationally on and off but once his back went out and he had back surgery it was all over but the crying even though I was not aware of it at the time.
He went to rehab a couple years ago. In patient 6 day detox, out patient methadone for about 20 days but got busted on drug test and stopped. He continued going to group meetings but relapsed off and on for a couple of years. I was in denial and did not understand addiction so each time I was sure it was the last time and he was straight again. Since he has had stomach issues all his life, depression, and anger issues it was really hard for me to know when he was on or off the wagon so I believed the lies he told. The only time I really knew was when he ran out and had severe hallucinations.
So, on to more recent times, we went to the beach to celebrate my oldest 18th birthday and it was the best vacation of our lives. He was calm and happy and bonding with the girls. I was so pleased until I found the little yellow devils by accident the day before we came home. I didn't want to confront him on vaction and as we left the beach he was calling & begging mom for pain pills because he had a "kidney stone" failing that he made a doctor appt. and pricked his finger to put blood in the urine & get pills. They don't test further because he has a long and true history and he has no insurance. He did go through some withdrawals a couple weeks later and promised me he was over it.
I had foot surgery 2 weeks ago. I had an osteotomy, shaving of a tremendous amount of bone, and hammer toe repair. I was born with club feet and because of this additional complication was only allowed out of bed to go potty for two weeks. One week into it he starts freaking out and one day later is placed in treatment against his will. I am left unable to get out of bed, take care of my 3 year old or even feed myself. My mother is in her later 70's and did all she could but as you can imagine trying to take care of me, the 3 year old, and my 14 year old with orthostatic hypotensive syncope (unexpected fainting due to low blood pressure where she is unresponsive for up to 20 mins. on a fairly regular basis) mom couldn't handle it all. I have no one else. His parents have never liked me and tbelieve I am the root of all evil and the cause of all of AH's problems over the years (even the ones he had before we met ...depression, miagrains, our bankruptcy, his drug addition and relapses. The turned their back on us in our time of need and even knowing my situation did NOTHING to help.
I am now allowed out of bed for 10 -15 mins a day 2 -3 times per day for the next four weeks. He is home but naturally having withdrawals still and dedicated to NA. This is, of course, great except that I am left to deal with the children, my limitations, and my resentment of him. I didn't want him to come back here as I have said "this is the last time" at least twice already and because there is sooooo much water under the bridge otherwise in addition to his anger problems which exist (perhaps even worse without the pills) and are affecting me and my children significantly. Clearly, I caved and he is here (a little) ranting and raving already and then saying how well he handled things.
I have bipolar disorder which is fairly well controled with meds. but when this much stress is on me I start having panic attacks and feeling like I am really losing it! I don't know if I can handle the long term recovery or the anger issues. I suggested going to a half way house to focus on himself and get better but he wouldn't consider it because then he would have to give up his precious pot which he smokes morning noon and night and can't get a job because of. He does seem truly dedicated and sincere this time but I am still worried about handling it, our other issues, pot, and most importantly what is best for my children. I do not want to put him out and be the reason he relapses or kills himself but what about the rest of us?? Help and advice are welcome as I don't know how much more I can take.
We meet at my 9th grade prom, dated through high school, and married when I was 18 and 1 month old. At the time I knew he had some anger management issues but was to immature to understand that this problem would continue on forever and really affect his relationship with our kids. He has always been very moody, easily set off, and go on ranting and raving kicks but it really fot kicked up a notch after we had kids. Still, he was spiritual, repectful of elders, hardworking, and loved me very much.
I came from a disfunctional home where my father was an alcoholic and abusive to my mother but treated we children as gold. I guess this is what I thought my husband would be like with our kids. WRONG! His relationship with the girls is and always has been rough to down right terrible. I am always explaining ones point of view to the other and trying to keep and make peace between them. All this has gone on for 20 years now. I guess I should have left him when I was younger but I didn't know how to live on my own and be single mother plus I thought I could change him. lol.
Anyway, we now have a 3 year old that loves him and they have had a relatively good relationship but I see it slipping. When we got pregnant I had no idea that he was already abusing pills. Same old story, he had played with them recreationally on and off but once his back went out and he had back surgery it was all over but the crying even though I was not aware of it at the time.
He went to rehab a couple years ago. In patient 6 day detox, out patient methadone for about 20 days but got busted on drug test and stopped. He continued going to group meetings but relapsed off and on for a couple of years. I was in denial and did not understand addiction so each time I was sure it was the last time and he was straight again. Since he has had stomach issues all his life, depression, and anger issues it was really hard for me to know when he was on or off the wagon so I believed the lies he told. The only time I really knew was when he ran out and had severe hallucinations.
So, on to more recent times, we went to the beach to celebrate my oldest 18th birthday and it was the best vacation of our lives. He was calm and happy and bonding with the girls. I was so pleased until I found the little yellow devils by accident the day before we came home. I didn't want to confront him on vaction and as we left the beach he was calling & begging mom for pain pills because he had a "kidney stone" failing that he made a doctor appt. and pricked his finger to put blood in the urine & get pills. They don't test further because he has a long and true history and he has no insurance. He did go through some withdrawals a couple weeks later and promised me he was over it.
I had foot surgery 2 weeks ago. I had an osteotomy, shaving of a tremendous amount of bone, and hammer toe repair. I was born with club feet and because of this additional complication was only allowed out of bed to go potty for two weeks. One week into it he starts freaking out and one day later is placed in treatment against his will. I am left unable to get out of bed, take care of my 3 year old or even feed myself. My mother is in her later 70's and did all she could but as you can imagine trying to take care of me, the 3 year old, and my 14 year old with orthostatic hypotensive syncope (unexpected fainting due to low blood pressure where she is unresponsive for up to 20 mins. on a fairly regular basis) mom couldn't handle it all. I have no one else. His parents have never liked me and tbelieve I am the root of all evil and the cause of all of AH's problems over the years (even the ones he had before we met ...depression, miagrains, our bankruptcy, his drug addition and relapses. The turned their back on us in our time of need and even knowing my situation did NOTHING to help.
I am now allowed out of bed for 10 -15 mins a day 2 -3 times per day for the next four weeks. He is home but naturally having withdrawals still and dedicated to NA. This is, of course, great except that I am left to deal with the children, my limitations, and my resentment of him. I didn't want him to come back here as I have said "this is the last time" at least twice already and because there is sooooo much water under the bridge otherwise in addition to his anger problems which exist (perhaps even worse without the pills) and are affecting me and my children significantly. Clearly, I caved and he is here (a little) ranting and raving already and then saying how well he handled things.
I have bipolar disorder which is fairly well controled with meds. but when this much stress is on me I start having panic attacks and feeling like I am really losing it! I don't know if I can handle the long term recovery or the anger issues. I suggested going to a half way house to focus on himself and get better but he wouldn't consider it because then he would have to give up his precious pot which he smokes morning noon and night and can't get a job because of. He does seem truly dedicated and sincere this time but I am still worried about handling it, our other issues, pot, and most importantly what is best for my children. I do not want to put him out and be the reason he relapses or kills himself but what about the rest of us?? Help and advice are welcome as I don't know how much more I can take.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
I'm really no one to offer advice at this point, but wanted to let you know you aren't alone.
The only thing I do want to say is that him relapsing wouldn't be anything but his own fault. You kicking him out won't be the "cause" of his relapse. If he is really in recovery (and smoking pot daily isn't being in true recovery) he would use the tools he has to keep from using.
It sounds like there is a lot of layers of mess here and I wish you the best. I have about a million layers of mess going on in my life right now so I can feel your pain.
The only thing I do want to say is that him relapsing wouldn't be anything but his own fault. You kicking him out won't be the "cause" of his relapse. If he is really in recovery (and smoking pot daily isn't being in true recovery) he would use the tools he has to keep from using.
It sounds like there is a lot of layers of mess here and I wish you the best. I have about a million layers of mess going on in my life right now so I can feel your pain.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome to sr.
sorry about what you are going through but glad you are here. i think you are moving in the right direction by reaching out. read all you can here and post as much as you like. when you are able, check out alanon, naranon f2f support groups for yourself. have you set any boundaries with consequences for yourself?
i am a recovering addict and i'm sorry to say but if your husband is smoking pot, he's active in his addiction. usually substitutig drug of choice for another, only leads back to the drug of choice and it does get progressively worse unless the addict seeks help for themselves. that only usually happens when they are allowed to suffer the consequences of their actions, (hit bottom).
my family had to step aside and allow me to hit my bottom before i could see for myself how destructive and out of control my addiction had become. then and only then was i desperate enough to want to seek help for myself and commit to doing whatever i needed to do to stay sober.
try to focus more on you and what you need to do to make your life better, with or without him. there is nothing you can do to make him want to stop using or work on his addictive behavior.
sorry about what you are going through but glad you are here. i think you are moving in the right direction by reaching out. read all you can here and post as much as you like. when you are able, check out alanon, naranon f2f support groups for yourself. have you set any boundaries with consequences for yourself?
i am a recovering addict and i'm sorry to say but if your husband is smoking pot, he's active in his addiction. usually substitutig drug of choice for another, only leads back to the drug of choice and it does get progressively worse unless the addict seeks help for themselves. that only usually happens when they are allowed to suffer the consequences of their actions, (hit bottom).
my family had to step aside and allow me to hit my bottom before i could see for myself how destructive and out of control my addiction had become. then and only then was i desperate enough to want to seek help for myself and commit to doing whatever i needed to do to stay sober.
try to focus more on you and what you need to do to make your life better, with or without him. there is nothing you can do to make him want to stop using or work on his addictive behavior.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: hillsville
Posts: 49
Thank you so much for your response. I do feel very alone but now I know there are others with similar issues. I wondered about the whole pot thing. He said he was ready to stop pills but not pot. He owns his own heating and air business. Stared it shortly after the company he was with started drug testing a couple years ago. Has never done well. At this point he is living off of me. HIS expenses alone are $800.00 to $1200.00 per month depending on whether he is taking pills or not. He clears may $500.00 to $600.00 per month. I told him he needs to get off pot so he can pass a drug test and get a real job but he says he would rather kill himself than work for someone else.He says it's ok for people to get off from work and go get drunk but he won't have anyone telling him that he can't smoke a little pot on his own time. Makes no sense to me and is driving me nuts. Feel like he is dragging us all down, financially and emotionally. Please keep talking to me. I need to start al anon (no nar anon here very small town) but I can't get out because of my foot. You guys are all I have and I appreciate your thoughts, advise, and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Endangered)) - welcome to SR!
Like ((Teke)), I'm an RA (recovering addict), too as well as a recovering codie (codependent).
It sounds to me like he has no intention of seeking true recovery...his refusal to give up pot, when it is causing you financial hardship speaks volumes.
Unfortunately, he's going to keep taking advantage of you as long as you allow it. The best thing you can do is learn about boundaries (keep reading here, get to an al-anon meeting when you are able). Most of us had to start out with little bitty baby steps and work our way up to the "biggies" like "if you bring drugs into my home, I will ---- (leave, ask you to leave, whatever).
In the meantime, you may want to read the "sticky's" at the top of this forum, read other posts and you will see you're not alone. There are a lot of wonderful people here, very supportive.
Oh, and the 3 c's - you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it and you can't CHANGE it - we say it about addiction, but it works for other stuff.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Like ((Teke)), I'm an RA (recovering addict), too as well as a recovering codie (codependent).
It sounds to me like he has no intention of seeking true recovery...his refusal to give up pot, when it is causing you financial hardship speaks volumes.
Unfortunately, he's going to keep taking advantage of you as long as you allow it. The best thing you can do is learn about boundaries (keep reading here, get to an al-anon meeting when you are able). Most of us had to start out with little bitty baby steps and work our way up to the "biggies" like "if you bring drugs into my home, I will ---- (leave, ask you to leave, whatever).
In the meantime, you may want to read the "sticky's" at the top of this forum, read other posts and you will see you're not alone. There are a lot of wonderful people here, very supportive.
Oh, and the 3 c's - you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it and you can't CHANGE it - we say it about addiction, but it works for other stuff.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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