Why do I feel guilty?

Old 03-02-2010, 02:23 PM
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Why do I feel guilty?

Well, we went to his doctor appointment and he was honest because I was there and I also talked to the doctor. He told the doctor he was getting pills off of other people and they doctor asked who, he told him friends and family members which was the truth. The doctor said that he does not feel comfortable at this point prescribing him narcotics. He does think he is pain and has referred him to pain management. We got the results from his MRI and the doctor said that there is scar tissue and that may be what is causing the pain so he referred him to a neurosurgeon. I also called for a psych appointment for him because I think he needs to talk to someone besides me. I feel guilty because he didn't get anything for pain as I don't want him to be in pain but, how much pain is he in? I don't know, I don't even think he knows. He says that he is ok but he looks like he lost his best friend. He says that he is ready to deal with this problem but, I am scared for our relationship and wonder if it is more important than being on pills. He has only been off of them for a few days.
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Old 03-02-2010, 02:38 PM
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((Sis)) - I would imagine you are probably feeling a little bit of fear, also, since you are questioning whether your relationship is going to be stronger than his need for the pills. It's hard seeing someone we love in pain, but he's abused the trust of you AND his doctor so he has to deal with those consequences.

Try to put the focus back on you. Yes, he may be in legitimate pain, but there are millions of people who deal with this and handle it responsibly - we have several RA's here who deal with chronic pain on a daily basis and are accountable to themselves, their partners and their doctors. It can be done. So, let him do it.....focus on what you are feeling and what YOU need to work on while he's working on his issues. As a codie, I was so wrapped up in HIS stuff, I didn't even KNOW what "my stuff" was for a while..I had to read here to figure that out, by what others were doing.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 03-02-2010, 04:27 PM
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Thanks for your thoughts and I know you are right. I am scared, I do hope that putting our relationship first is stronger than he need to be on pills. I was glad that his doctor finally knows that these pills are a problem, which he obviously didn't know before because he kept prescribing them to him. I have told him that now that he has been honest with his doctor we will take his advice and go to pain management and to a neurosurgeon. I have also told him that I am here to support him and get through this but, I am not tolerating any more of him taking pills. The doctor told him if he feels he can't through the withdrawals that he is going through than he can go to the er and they will send him to detox, if that is that what he needs. I am taking one day at a time.
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Old 03-02-2010, 04:43 PM
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((Sis)) one more thing I wanted to add, as an RA myself is that when we are actively using, it's not like we are sitting around asking ourselves "gee, do I want my family or do I want to get high?" It's not that simple. We can't think of anything BUT getting high. We aren't intentionally getting high to hurt you.

I'm not saying this to defend him....absolutely not! I found the desire for recovery stronger than the desire to get high when I hit bottom because I got fed up with all the consequences of my using. Everyone's bottom is different. I had to hit bottom with my XABF, too...in order for me to leave a toxic relationship.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I keep saying "put the focus on you" it's because you are the one person you can control, can understand. Trying to understand an A is futile. I'm an RA and, to this day, have a hard time believing the stupid things I did...though I know I did them.

Trust your gut and watch his actions. Those 2 things will often tell you everything you need to know.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-02-2010, 05:05 PM
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Thank you so much for your advice it is so helpful and comforting. I am gonna try to focus on me which is what I can control and I am going to trust my gut, three days ago I thought I was going crazy by accusing him of being on something only to find out I wasn't crazy I was right. I know the signs and I am gonna trust in myself. I guess he has to come to the realization that he is the one that abused his trust with his doctor and me so, therefore he has to face the consequences of that. I am gonna try and find a meeting around me that I can go to because I think that would help me so much. thanks for your kind words of advice.
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Old 03-02-2010, 05:07 PM
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sis,

i don't know about it, but i do know that there is pain management w/out pain meds. hopefully this is what the doc referred your husband to.

he has pain, and that is where this all started (i think). but, he crossed a line into abuse and i wonder if he has plans to address the things inside of him that led him to like being high, and therefore abuse the drugs. this kind of drug addiction i don't know about, but i'm wondering what he is going to do for himself - other than the pain clinic - so that he feels hopeful and gets some tools to deal.

you, young lady, are going to be just fine.
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Old 03-02-2010, 09:31 PM
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no need to feel guilty, he betrayed your trust. you did nothing to feel guilty about. i'm glad to hear that he is ready to face his issues. like someone said, watch his actions and set boundaries for yourself.

there is really nothing you can do to stop him from getting these pills from others but its good that he is no longer prescribed them legally.
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Old 03-03-2010, 02:37 PM
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Well, today my husband has called his pyschiatrist and he has also called chemical dependency clinic and he is waiting for a call from them to get him a rehab. He said today that he knows he is an addict and he wants help. I for the first time in a while feel like I am in control of me. I told my husband that he needs to take care of his problem I will be him to support him but I can't tell him what to do or do it for him. If he wants the help he is gonna have to do what he needs to do to get it.. You and others in this community have been such a big help to me and thank you for all your advice. I am in hopes that my husband is gonna get the help he needs, I know I am going to get the help I need.
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