EverettsWife

In a previous post, I mentioned that my AH is a longtime stimulant abuser (mostly Ritalin) who has mostly cleaned up his act but just can't seem to get past a strong urge to use once a month -- right around the last few days of the month/first few days of the next month.

We are in that period now, and it fills me with such anxiety. I'm trying to just walk through it, and not stress over it, and I'm doing better than usual, but it's still there.

We've been in a good place lately, and I will hate it if he tosses it away. What a waste.

Guess I just need to tell someone that I'm feeling stressed -- as far as everyone else who knows me sees, everything's fine. I work, see friends, talk to my kids, etc. But inside me, there's a little knot I can't quite unkink.

coffeedrinker

i know that feeling all too well. yes, we understand

megan09

That's the reason I had to end my relationship; I just couldn't live with the fear and uncertainty anymore. I totally understand.

jdh

I understand why it is always there. Hopefuly you both will find peace soon.

EverettsWife

Thought maybe, just maybe, we'd made it through "the week." I wondered about a couple of things Wed./Thur. night, but just let it go and didn't think about it too much, or try to find out anything, or ask anything.

But this morning I recognized, without a doubt, the look of a man just waiting for me to go down to get a cup of coffee -- leaving him alone to grab the Ritalins stashed somewhere nearby. So I stalled. He got in the shower. I looked under the pile of clothes by his side of the bed. Found the morning's dose, and the nighttime Valiums to go with it.

Followed through with my plan -- just wrote it in red on my calendar, so I'll remember and can't miss the repeating pattern. Didn't say anything to him. (Calendar's not the family calendar so it's not in his face or anything -- but it's not a secret, either, if he were ever to want to look.)

He asked if I'd like to meet him for dinner tonight. I asked if I could let him know later. I'm so jumbled inside. It feels like all the closeness the last few days has been a lie.

I expect I'll say no thanks to dinner. Maybe I'll want to watch a movie on my own tonight -- popcorn and soda with the cat on the couch. Maybe I'll try to meet up with a friend. But I don't think I'll be spending the evening with him tonight.

I feel good about that. But tears are still flowing this morning, now that he's gone and can't see.

Insulated

that intuitive gnawing is uncomfortable. i know what you're feeling. it robs of us of our joy and it's not fair!

teke

so sorry you are hurting. i pray that your husband finds his way soon. try to keep the focus on you and what you need to do for you to feel better. he's gonna do what he's gonna do until he's ready to make a change for himself and you have to do the same for yourself. have you gone to any alanon or naranon meetings yet?

EverettsWife

Thanks teke. Yes, I've been going to Al-Anon meetings off and on for about a year. There's one I like this morning, but I can't make that one because of work today. So I'm just trying to pop in here when I can, and do what I want with my time tonight. I don't feel like spending the evening with someone who's been lying to me this week, so rather than have a fight about the pills and then work our way back from that and just have the whole weekend be tense, I'm just going to spend time on my own. He knows I know. If he wants to talk, fine, but I'm not going to start it.

I'm doing my best not to be passive-aggressive about it -- feels a little like by pulling back I'm manipulating him to ask "what's wrong" but I know in my heart that's not my intention. I really just don't want to be with him tonight. If asked what's wrong, I guess maybe saying "I think you know" and just going back to what I was doing is better than just repeating "nothing" until he gives up or goads me into reacting. I just don't feel like dealing with it tonight. I'm angry. And hurt. And tired -- so I'd just like a quiet evening with someone I can trust. Me. (Now whether or not I can actually pull that off later is a whole other thing ...)

teke

i know the feeling. you've probably said/ did everything you could think of over and over, anyway. its like whats the point of keep repeating yourself. like you said, i think they know whats wrong.

seems like the sooner they can get us to react, the sooner they can began the process of trying to suck us back in. well that how i thought it was for me and mine. you and yours are in my prayers. enjoy your me time tonight and i pray for your peace.

EverettsWife

Ugh. It is taking all my restraint not to send an annoyed text -- he's not contacted me all day. Hasn't let me know he'll be home late from work. I'm doing the best I can to just carry on with my evening. I had dinner. I'm watching my movie. I wrote in my "Promises for today" journal -- where I make promises for myself to keep. Like, ummmm... "Don't force the issue by sending angry text message." lol

So I'm typing here instead, to try to get it out of my system. Thanks for being there.

suki44883

Look at it this way...You're having that quiet evening with someone you can trust, that you wanted. Just enjoy it and don't worry about him. He's gonna do whatever he's gonna do. You just relax and enjoy yourself.