sunnygirl68

My exRA and I had a long converstation this weekend.
I had a date on Friday night and had a great time with a guy I've been seeing casually for awhile. The Ex decided to come to my side of town in hopes that I'd come home and spend the evening with him after my date!! Well, that made me feel VERY pressured and so I just didnt come home until Saturday. He of course was hurting and upset.
In a way I felt justified because I didnt tell him to come down to my area and I was feeling a little manipulated AND in some sick way I thought "now he has a taste of what I been through"
That sounds terrible, I know!!

I know he finally has some clarity about his life and situation because he has been sober for 1 1/2 years (as far as I know) and realizes what he lost and wants us to try again. I totally get he not only lost his marriage, the ability to be with his kids as often as possible, but lost my entire family too, I know that sucks but what do I say besides "You did this to yourself?"

HOWEVER, I am not in that place right now. Yes, I do love him, but he wounded me so deeply after the last relapse that I just dont think I can take that chance again. I honestly feel that if I have to go through that heartache and pain again that I will literally die!
I explained to him that maybe I just got left alone one too many times and I'm not ready to give up my freedom right now. I'm "doing" me!

When I tell him this, I am not sure he "gets" it. I feel that he is only feeling his own pain right now, especially since he is not self medicating anymore.
My deal breaker is if he uses ONCE I will go into no contact mode forever.

I keep telling him if he cannot handle it and the fact that I am dating others, that he's free to walk away but I'm not changing my life for anyone again. I feel like I am in limbo right now and even numb to things. I feel that if he walked away from me as well as my casual friend that I'd be okay, not heartbroken because I have learned how to have a relationship without investing all of myself and my heart.
Maybe I'm stuck on the fence, but everyone keeps telling me that I dont have to make a decison right now...so I'm not going to make one!

To the RA's who have actually rekindled a relationship, what did it take for you to "GET" where your non addicted partner was coming from and do u suggest that I cut it completely off or just take baby steps? I really do enjoy spending time with him, we get along great and have fun together, its just a very comfortable relationship as long as he is clean. I did marry my best friend, but I lost him along the path of his addiction.

Thanks for listening!

ladyhawk69

Wow! You sound very strong. You are correct to keep doing "you". If you think you need time, then take it. Never for one minute second guess your first reaction when it comes to someone with addictions. I'm not sure if they ever "get it". My ExAB only seems to understand when he's getting what he wants or people are agreeing with him. The first "no" and he acts like a 5 year old that didn't get a cookie! And he is not using and going to meetings 2-3 times a week! Good luck to you and hang in there!

-lady

Insulated

In a way I felt justified because I didnt tell him to come down to my area and I was feeling a little manipulated AND in some sick way I thought "now he has a taste of what I been through"


If you had any intentions of reconciling with him, you wouldn't be out on a date, ya know? I feel that you handled this like a mature adult and your life is your life, you aren't his beckon call girl to just be at his disposal. You are probably familiar to him and he is looking to recreate the rythms of married life and that familiarity. It kind of looks like a whole new area of boundary setting is opening up based on what YOU want.

sunnygirl68

Thanks for all the comments!

Insulated: I told him time and again that I think he wants to be with me because I'm "comfortable" to him. I get that because he also offers a level of comfort to me too. It has not been an easy road for me, this is the 5th time that he has gotten out of prison...but the 1st time that I didnt take him right back into the house and immedately start trying to fix his life!
Wow! I did feel compelled to tell him that I realized that I used to be crazy...what does that say about me that I would put up with his awful addictive actions? become a super detective searching his car, phone, wallet, etc.??!!
It is pathetic now that I look back on it. In some way did I not think i was worthy of honesty and respect?! Well I know I deserve it now! I told him that I'm not the same person I used to be, he actually helped shape who I am today.

As far as my casual friend, well, I dont see a future with him, he is just LOADS of fun. He makes me feel good about myself, while not trying to push me into more than I'm ready for, he understands that I am giving all I can right now and it seems to be enough for our relationship...we have been "dating" for over a year.

My ex has always been a person who needed immediate gratification, even before the drugs, so maybe this is a lesson in patience and humility for him as well as a lesson about strength and self-worth for me!

outtolunch

Love and care for yourself first. The rest will follow.

Not your job to make anyone else "get it", now is it.

coffeedrinker

my opinion is that, once they get sober, and after the cobwebs clear out, they mostly get it. they know one one level what they have done, but i think they don't know how deeply wounded we were.

but, yeah..... like outtolunch said.

aah1977

I've been thinking about this a lot. My H and I aren't that far away from his relapse and I just saw a divorce attorney for the first time yesterday. When I read your words I wondered if I'll be feeling the same things at some point. I in no way, shape or form want to continue my marriage to this person, but I also know I will always love him and vice versa. I hope you find the peace you deserve!

Insulated

Do you really care if he "gets" you? His getting you may be a self indulgent act on his part only to massage his own failures, guilt within the scope of your past relationship. If you're having fun with another person, (and don't you deserve it???) don't devalue that by thinking, oh maybe this is it and the EX finally gets it! You and your ex could maybe begin a different kind of relationship, very different than the one you two had before. You already know what to expect from him. The best prediction of future behavior is the past.

lightseeker

I have to say that my RAH probably gets me and the whole thing that I've gone through with him by about ....hmmmmm.... maybe 20%. I don't believe that it will ever get much past that either.

I think that it's hard to ever "get" what you haven't gone through yourself. A lot of recovering addicts end up in the anon rooms and they definitely get it from what I've seen.

Sounds like you are doing well. I don't blame you with not wanting to ever go through that hell again. It's a big risk to take and once you are out (a tough thing to do in itself) there's a lot to lose by going back.

Take care!