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Old 02-28-2010, 08:07 PM
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I just don't know

HEY you guys, just thought i'd check in.

my husband was finally laid to rest on fri. i thought it would be easier for me afterwards but today i still can't imagine what i'm suppose to do now. i feel abondoned.

sorry that im not posting as much, i really do what to be here, but posting is kind of hard, so i just read when i can. sometimes even reading is a bit hard for me. i do want to share but it makes me sad to think of how many of you and your addicts still suffer. i cry because i want so badly to help, to get rid of addiction entirely for everyone. i feel so helpless and i hate this feeling.

i now dream of a world where addiction or any other disease /illness can never rob another person in any way. rght now, i feel codie to the core.

for those of you still struggling with stepping aside to allow your beloved addict to suffer the consequences of their actions or to find their bottom, please consider doing so as soon as you can. i'm not talking about divorce at all, just step aside. for most of you there is always a tomorrow, i think you are the lucky ones.

as hard as it was to let my husband go, 2yrs ago, to find his own bottom, i do regret hanging on for so long. i wish i could have done it long before that. not that i didn't want to stick by him but because i wanted the chance to do so, later, after he found his way. maybe if i could have let go 20yrs ago, by now, he may have sobered up and been more able to pay attention to his own health. i know his addiction wouldn't let him do that.

you would think his passing would be easier for me now, because he'd been gone for the last 2yrs but he was always a phone call away. now that he's gone for good, i miss him more than i could have ever imagined.

please keep me and my kids in your prayers.

i want so much for this to be over. i'm so tired of hurting. thank you all
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Old 02-28-2010, 08:15 PM
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Teke, I'm so sorry for your pain. I can only imagine how hard it is for you.

You are such a wonderful part of SR and I will pray that your pain eases in time. My prayers are with you!
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Old 02-28-2010, 08:22 PM
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((Teke)) - awww, sweetie, you have been on my mind, so much, the past few days.

Please don't expect yourself to be "over him" just because the funeral is over. It was 6 months after my mom died, when I was talking to someone and said something about "my mom died in June" and it hit me....OMG, my MOM DIED!!!! It's like God had not let the full effect of what that meant sink in to me for 6 months, and even then it took time. God knows we can't deal with all the pain, hon.

My XABF died in Dec. and I have a jacket of his. I'm still having thoughts about writing to him the next time he gets locked up....that's the only time I knew where he was. I didn't have NEAR the history, with him, that you have with R.

Please, please be gentle with yourself. You did the best you could, with what you had. Just because you and I are RA's doesn't mean we deal with the A's in our lives any better. I don't know about you, but I'm just as codie as the next person and trying to work a "codie recovery". We know addiction from the inside out, but it doesn't mean we don't hurt when our loved one suffers from it. It doesn't mean we don't want to try to "fix it".

You and your kids are constantly in my prayers. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-28-2010, 08:22 PM
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I'm saying prayers for you. I can't imagine what you it is like for you. I'm glad that you are sharing. Have you looked into grief counseling or a grief group? It makes sense to me that you would be feeling tremendous grief at this time--even though you've been separated for 2 years.
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Old 02-28-2010, 08:26 PM
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Teke, I'm so sorry for your pain also. My prayers are with you ... may the Lord give you peace and comfort as you face the days ahead.
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Old 02-28-2010, 08:29 PM
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maybe if i could have let go 20yrs ago, by now, he may have sobered up and been more able to pay attention to his own health.

Please don't do any self blame. Remember the C's. Remember to take care of youself right now. (That includes allowing yourself to grieve) You've been through so much and I am thinking of you! Remember to smile, laugh and enjoy every minute you have...We all are reminded how short and precious our lives are. God Bless!
- Kim
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Old 02-28-2010, 09:00 PM
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((((Teke))))) You and your family have remained in my thoughts & prayers since I read the news of your husband's passing. I have to echo what Kiki said, don't put any blame on yourself, just don't. And take care of YOU and your children. Are you getting any support to help you through this grief?

I'm glad you're here and still posting.....
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Old 02-28-2010, 09:55 PM
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thanks you guys, if any thing, i think i feel, if only i had stepped out of his way sooner, but i also know that even when i did, his mom was always there to pick him up. she never tried to understand his addiction so it made any attempt on my part almost useless.

my mil was so bent on providing his basic needs and being mean to me for not wanting to help her enable him, so i want to blame her, i guess, even though in my heart of hearts, i know its not her fault either.

no i haven't sought grief counseling. i don't really know where to start seeking that kind of help. i don't have insurance that would cover that, i don't think. it would be something both me and the kids could benefit from, i'm sure. my 19yro son seems so angry these last few days.
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Old 02-28-2010, 10:00 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
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Old 02-28-2010, 10:02 PM
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Some churches offer grief counseling at no charge. Most of the ones around me have some kind of meetings for people who are grieving. I'm not sure if that is an option for you but thought I would throw that out there for you.
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Old 02-28-2010, 10:04 PM
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Oh Teke, my heart aches for you! Please give yourself a break, hon! You did the best that you could with what you had. That's all that we can do.

There isn't a day go by that I don't think of my EXAH, and he will be gone 4 years this coming May. His death affected me profoundly even though we had been divorced since 1989.

I am reminded of just how precious life really is, and I am grateful for the opportunity to have recovery for myself.

Please know you and the children are in my thoughts and prayers, okay?

:ghug3 :ghug3
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Old 03-01-2010, 06:44 AM
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Originally Posted by teke View Post
thanks you guys, if any thing, i think i feel, if only i had stepped out of his way sooner, .
Teke, death dosen't have any rules or boundries........ Parents that loose their children to suicide--- spouses, sisters, brothers wonder: why didn't I see it comming?

An accident, when your loved one gets angry and steps out to get a coffee: and someone is left with: "why did I yell and cause him/her to leave?"......

A child who struggled with a terminal illness, and the parent: "god, his/her life just begun, WHY did you take him/her from me?"

These statements can go on and on.... with the 'what ifs'......

It is NORMAL, for you to feel these things, however you must remember this death is/was never up to you.... there was nothing you could have done. No stepping aside would have prevented it, for everyday we try to claim some 'control' over death...... it dosen't work.

For all you know, you gave him years that he may NOT have had w/out you there... we just don't know.

Life is filled with losses teke, and no-one will be able to remove this pain from your soul.

Nothing I say, or that anyone else says will remove that any quicker......

But please take a moment to let go of your responsiblity in his death. Guilt in this process denies nature of its many gifts.... the gift of life, and the gift of death. With death, there is no more pain. No sadness for that person, no more adversity and struggle. Without loss, we have no appreciation for our gifts in life.

I know you know that I'm studying death and dying in school-- it's what I intend to specialize in. Please look up elizabeth Kubler-Ross on your computer. She will give you some amazeing insight. If you can't afford therapy right now, read her work. You can get some snipits of articles online, or go to your local library and take out some books.

I promise you it will help--- even just a little.

My thought and prayers are with you,
Blessings and love,
Cess
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Old 03-01-2010, 07:08 AM
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Originally Posted by cessy68 View Post
you gave him years that he may NOT have had w/out you there... Cess
thanks cess,

i recieved a letter from him 3 days before his passing and these words were what he wrote, almost to the letter. how did you know?

over the yrs he shared a lot of intimate and personal memories about his childhood and the way he was treated but it took for him to pass away for me to really see for myself, the pain he must have suffers all his life.

his family seemed to have no interest in laying him to rest. they wanted me to leave him at the prison to be buried in their back yard. only a hand full of them attended the services and only 1 brother attended the burial.

his "loving enabling mom" don't even know where her son was laid to rest. you guys helped me to do what needed to be done. she on the otherhand, was happy to take all the food that friends provided for the funeral party and gave a dinner party for the mil's neighbors. my kids were very hurt, none of us were invited. i'm asking for prayer for his mom. she's just not right.imo
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Old 03-01-2010, 07:28 AM
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Originally Posted by teke View Post
thanks cess,

i recieved a letter from him 3 days before his passing and these words were what he wrote, almost to the letter. how did you know?
When one is dying, (which we all are every day), in terminal illness true authenticity arrives..... awareness of regret/thankfulness/honor/love becomes oh so clear and evident.

Because with everything I've learned Teke, love is the ultimate equalizer- between when we are born, and when we die. It is the only truth..... those who practice this philosophy, (in my opinion), onto themselves and others, will find peace in the present.

Teke, past dosen't matter, neither does the future. Staying present, and living 'truth' (love) towards all, INCLUDING you.....will bring you peace. Take peace in what you are, what you know, and what you give/gave to those around you.

Unfortunatley, this principle sometimes can get convoluted w/ thinking that you must be a doormat to live this way. It's not that. It just means living judgement free, accepting life (and those around you in it) as is. Understanding this journey is individual.... for you and others. It's letting go of our humanistic, "what should-be, could be, wants, needs" and realizing everything here is affected equally by us... every person, every day, every animal, plant, and creature of nature deserves this...... and this includes you.

When you live this way, you naturally 'give' the things/people/etc. around you exactly what they are meant to recieve. It's all an opportunity, and a lesson, although it is not always easy.... our ego, and self based thinking seem to jump in front of us sometimes and mess it all up. This is all part of the journey/struggle of 'life'.


Sometimes suffering a loss reminds us of this.

He knew what you gave, and how this is exactly how it was 'supposed' to be... don't second guess, it keeps you stuck in the past, and YOUR life needs to be present. Present only Teke... keep that in the front of your mind.....

Find some peace in this, and keep trying to live in a way that honors both you and others, and you will remain at peace with yourself.

Love,
Cess
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Old 03-01-2010, 07:14 PM
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Teke, grief has no boundaries. My mom and dad have been divorced and married to other people 25 years, yet my mom broke down today when I called to tell her he'd passed. I sent my grandma, her mom to her so I could be where I needed to be.
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Old 03-01-2010, 07:47 PM
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please call your county health department to ask about
free Greif support groups in your town.

You could also call local churches ..they might know.

Prayers continue for you and your children...
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