Really Need Guidance or Advice or Just a Good Vent
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
Really Need Guidance or Advice or Just a Good Vent
My ILs bonded my AH last night and I am freaking beside myself. I found out at 8:30 this morning and wanted to throw up! My ILs live a mile from me. The girl he was messing around with lives on the exact same street as me and I have to drive by her house to get in or out of the neighborhood.
My H has always been into Oxi never cocaine or crack. In the 7 weeks from the time he left our home he got mixed up with her, her ex boyfriend, brother, and parents. Every single one of them have a long history of cocaine and crack use and dstribution. Prior to my husband leaving he was never involved with these people. He even advised my friend in what to do when her husband started hanging out with them about 9 months ago. His only criminal activity was last year and centered around his need for pills so he obtained prescriptions illegally to feed his addiction. Since being with them he is now looking at 3 counts of cocaine trafficking. He was in the car with them when they got pulled over. These are not people he needs to be around.
I felt good with him in jail because I knew he wasn't using and I knew he wasn't mixed up with these people. I was at a friends house until 8:00 last night. When I got home I saw on the caller id that my ILs called. I called back and no one answered. At 8:30 this morning I called their house back to see what they wanted and FIL tells me they got H out of jail and he called to see his son. I asked to talk to him and was told he was at church...with the crack *****! I can not believe my IL's have bonded him out and then are ok with having them hang out. Then I went around and around with my FIL all morning about letting my son see his dad.
I don't want to keep my son out of his life, but want to feel comfortable with the situation. I suggested that we all meet at a restaurant and they could all eat with him and I would go to the other side of the restaurant or we could meet at a park so they could play. These weren't ok with my FIL. So, for tonight I have agreed to bring him to their house for 1 hour. Honestly I don't want to even do that, but I'm sick of FIL saying I'm going to use my son as a way to hurt H. The main reason I don't want to do it at ILs house is because my MIL takes over when she is around and she will hog my sons attention so my H won't even get a chance to be with him. She does this EVERYTIME she is around my child. I did tell them that tomorrow when I meet with my lawyer I'm going to see what is reasonable and also talk to my friend that works in CPS. I know I don't even have to do what I'm doing tonight, but I do want them to have a relationship. What is really upsetting me right now is how self-ritious they are all being right now. My H is an addict with a lot of time hanging over his head. I feel like they should be happy with whatever time I am offering. Instead the whole group-H, FIL, MIL-think that my husband has all these rights. In my opinion he threw those out the window when he decided to go back to drugs, take all of his money to use for drugs-he even sold his truck for drugs, and begin to screw around with a crack head. I don't want to start using that to my advantage and really feel like they should go with what I offer because once the lawyer gets involved it won't go in his favor. His defense attorney told me that he advised my H that at this point no judge is going to see anything to his advantage and he should just take whatever visitation I offer. Obviously he isn't listening because he called me a few minutes ago and is back on his high horse about how the only reason he relapsed is because I am such a bitch.
You have no idea how badly I want to get on a plane and never come back!
My H has always been into Oxi never cocaine or crack. In the 7 weeks from the time he left our home he got mixed up with her, her ex boyfriend, brother, and parents. Every single one of them have a long history of cocaine and crack use and dstribution. Prior to my husband leaving he was never involved with these people. He even advised my friend in what to do when her husband started hanging out with them about 9 months ago. His only criminal activity was last year and centered around his need for pills so he obtained prescriptions illegally to feed his addiction. Since being with them he is now looking at 3 counts of cocaine trafficking. He was in the car with them when they got pulled over. These are not people he needs to be around.
I felt good with him in jail because I knew he wasn't using and I knew he wasn't mixed up with these people. I was at a friends house until 8:00 last night. When I got home I saw on the caller id that my ILs called. I called back and no one answered. At 8:30 this morning I called their house back to see what they wanted and FIL tells me they got H out of jail and he called to see his son. I asked to talk to him and was told he was at church...with the crack *****! I can not believe my IL's have bonded him out and then are ok with having them hang out. Then I went around and around with my FIL all morning about letting my son see his dad.
I don't want to keep my son out of his life, but want to feel comfortable with the situation. I suggested that we all meet at a restaurant and they could all eat with him and I would go to the other side of the restaurant or we could meet at a park so they could play. These weren't ok with my FIL. So, for tonight I have agreed to bring him to their house for 1 hour. Honestly I don't want to even do that, but I'm sick of FIL saying I'm going to use my son as a way to hurt H. The main reason I don't want to do it at ILs house is because my MIL takes over when she is around and she will hog my sons attention so my H won't even get a chance to be with him. She does this EVERYTIME she is around my child. I did tell them that tomorrow when I meet with my lawyer I'm going to see what is reasonable and also talk to my friend that works in CPS. I know I don't even have to do what I'm doing tonight, but I do want them to have a relationship. What is really upsetting me right now is how self-ritious they are all being right now. My H is an addict with a lot of time hanging over his head. I feel like they should be happy with whatever time I am offering. Instead the whole group-H, FIL, MIL-think that my husband has all these rights. In my opinion he threw those out the window when he decided to go back to drugs, take all of his money to use for drugs-he even sold his truck for drugs, and begin to screw around with a crack head. I don't want to start using that to my advantage and really feel like they should go with what I offer because once the lawyer gets involved it won't go in his favor. His defense attorney told me that he advised my H that at this point no judge is going to see anything to his advantage and he should just take whatever visitation I offer. Obviously he isn't listening because he called me a few minutes ago and is back on his high horse about how the only reason he relapsed is because I am such a bitch.
You have no idea how badly I want to get on a plane and never come back!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
(((aah)))
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and I understand how you feel. I had a similar situation years ago and I know how difficult it can be. Yes, your husband does have rights concerning his child, but then, so do you. As his primary care giver, you have every right to negotiate on behalf of your son. You don't have to do anything you feel would be detrimental to your son. Why is the FIL doing all the talking? You don't have to go through him. They're trying to gang up on you. You and your husband should be the ones to make arrangements for him to see his son. You don't have to take your son to their house. The two of you can arrange to meet at a neutral place for the visit, and if that's not good enough for him, then tough. Negotiating is over. At this point in the process, there are no hard and fast rules unless you have actual court papers spelling them out. Do what you think is best, but don't allow yourself to be brow-beaten into a situation you feel is wrong. That is your right as your son's mother.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and I understand how you feel. I had a similar situation years ago and I know how difficult it can be. Yes, your husband does have rights concerning his child, but then, so do you. As his primary care giver, you have every right to negotiate on behalf of your son. You don't have to do anything you feel would be detrimental to your son. Why is the FIL doing all the talking? You don't have to go through him. They're trying to gang up on you. You and your husband should be the ones to make arrangements for him to see his son. You don't have to take your son to their house. The two of you can arrange to meet at a neutral place for the visit, and if that's not good enough for him, then tough. Negotiating is over. At this point in the process, there are no hard and fast rules unless you have actual court papers spelling them out. Do what you think is best, but don't allow yourself to be brow-beaten into a situation you feel is wrong. That is your right as your son's mother.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
suki, i couldn't agree more.
it makes me feel crazy inside just reading about his family. wow, really out of control, in their efforts to control their son and his addiction-related problem. could you put something in place - realizing it's temporary because of jail time - for visitation? that way you could plan on it, and you could have less, if not no, contact with the in-laws?
as for his cocaine-related offenses. i guess "progressive" comes to mind.
it makes me feel crazy inside just reading about his family. wow, really out of control, in their efforts to control their son and his addiction-related problem. could you put something in place - realizing it's temporary because of jail time - for visitation? that way you could plan on it, and you could have less, if not no, contact with the in-laws?
as for his cocaine-related offenses. i guess "progressive" comes to mind.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
You don't even know the half of what his parents do to control this whole situation and every situation in life. Way before his addiction we were in counseling for infertility and what it was doing to our marriage. Some things came up during that time with how his parents get involved in things and somehow we decided to do a group session with his parents. When it was over the counselor took me aside and said "I always thought there was some exaggeration on your part about his family, but after this session I see you weren't and I truly feel for you." They are NUTS!
I would love to put in place something where they were not present. The only thing is H is living with them and has no drivers license because it ws restricted to work and now he doesn't work. I would ultimately like to meet him at a public place, but they would have to bring him I guess.
While I was typing this H called for the third time to see if my son had woken up from his nap. I told him no and that he would see him around 5:30 as planned. He said it didn't seem like enough time to visit and I should tell my friends that I'm meeting for a playdate that I would have to reschedule "because your husband just got out of jail and wants to spend time with his son since they haven't seen each other in awhile." HA!! he goes to jail and then thinks I'm going to rearrange my life for him! I just told him I was getting off the phone and he could expect to see me between 5:30-6:00.
I would love to put in place something where they were not present. The only thing is H is living with them and has no drivers license because it ws restricted to work and now he doesn't work. I would ultimately like to meet him at a public place, but they would have to bring him I guess.
While I was typing this H called for the third time to see if my son had woken up from his nap. I told him no and that he would see him around 5:30 as planned. He said it didn't seem like enough time to visit and I should tell my friends that I'm meeting for a playdate that I would have to reschedule "because your husband just got out of jail and wants to spend time with his son since they haven't seen each other in awhile." HA!! he goes to jail and then thinks I'm going to rearrange my life for him! I just told him I was getting off the phone and he could expect to see me between 5:30-6:00.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
These are not people he needs to be around.
I used to feel this way too. I used to think "If He weren't around XYZ, then he wouldn't be doing ABC." Used to hate....and I mean HATE all of the people Mr.Sofa used to drug with....but looking back at it now, it was nobody's fault but His own. Those people were troubled before they met them...our men just sought them out. Went looking for it. Their choices to make, no one to blame but themselves. It's infuriating...but that's only because we sometimes still take it personally. That will pass as you work hard on your own recovery and you will start to see things differently.
I can not believe my IL's have bonded him out and then are ok with having them hang out.
They haven't figured it out yet either. I used to get very angry with My IL's for NOT SEEING IT...but it took Me 10 years to learn about enabling and find my way out. Still climbing out! Everyone has their own way. Just be thankful that you are getting the help for yourself that you need. Their chaos belongs to them...everyone walks their own path.
I don't want to do it at ILs house is because my MIL takes over when she is around and she will hog my sons attention so my H won't even get a chance to be with him.
His Mother is HIS problem to deal with. He needs to learn to find His own voice and stand up for the time he wants to spend with his son. Nobody can do that for Him...and if you try to make "that right" for Him....you may be hindering Him from standing up on His own two feet. That's JMO.
What is really upsetting me right now is how self-ritious they are all being right now.
Once again...not your problem. You are getting the help you need for yourself and trying to separate yourself from their chaos. If these people are unhealthy for you to be around....get some space from them. They don't "get it" yet...and see you as an "outsider", then that's their problem...and IMO and VERY BIG PROBLEM.
Don't you worry about anything....we know what's what, and we understand you. We here are all trying to walk uphill and out of the fray. Getting out of all that hysteria is step one...try to detach from them and figure out a safe plan for you and your son.
....and don't forget to breathe.
(((( sending you some Florida sunshine ))))
I used to feel this way too. I used to think "If He weren't around XYZ, then he wouldn't be doing ABC." Used to hate....and I mean HATE all of the people Mr.Sofa used to drug with....but looking back at it now, it was nobody's fault but His own. Those people were troubled before they met them...our men just sought them out. Went looking for it. Their choices to make, no one to blame but themselves. It's infuriating...but that's only because we sometimes still take it personally. That will pass as you work hard on your own recovery and you will start to see things differently.
I can not believe my IL's have bonded him out and then are ok with having them hang out.
They haven't figured it out yet either. I used to get very angry with My IL's for NOT SEEING IT...but it took Me 10 years to learn about enabling and find my way out. Still climbing out! Everyone has their own way. Just be thankful that you are getting the help for yourself that you need. Their chaos belongs to them...everyone walks their own path.
I don't want to do it at ILs house is because my MIL takes over when she is around and she will hog my sons attention so my H won't even get a chance to be with him.
His Mother is HIS problem to deal with. He needs to learn to find His own voice and stand up for the time he wants to spend with his son. Nobody can do that for Him...and if you try to make "that right" for Him....you may be hindering Him from standing up on His own two feet. That's JMO.
What is really upsetting me right now is how self-ritious they are all being right now.
Once again...not your problem. You are getting the help you need for yourself and trying to separate yourself from their chaos. If these people are unhealthy for you to be around....get some space from them. They don't "get it" yet...and see you as an "outsider", then that's their problem...and IMO and VERY BIG PROBLEM.
Don't you worry about anything....we know what's what, and we understand you. We here are all trying to walk uphill and out of the fray. Getting out of all that hysteria is step one...try to detach from them and figure out a safe plan for you and your son.
....and don't forget to breathe.
(((( sending you some Florida sunshine ))))
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
aaah
I didnt read all the responses but my honest gut opinion is WHO cares what they think or say.,....these people think its ok FOR THEIR son to hang out with a crack using woman and that its OK for them to bail the son out of jail the son thats USING drugs.
THIS IS NOW YOUR son your talking about and you do not have to subject him to any of that actually the CPS worker would most likely tell you that subjecting your son to an active addict even dad doesnt look good for you it depends but as a mom you have a right to keep your son from an active addict even dad
tell the inlaws .......do what YOU want with YOUR kid and I'll do what I want with MINE, and when daddy gets clean stays clean and pays child support than daddy can talk to you about visits...............INLAWS have no legal right and frankly they should butt out
okay sorry thats a rant but how dare they tell you what to do when they are accepting this out of their son!!!
I didnt read all the responses but my honest gut opinion is WHO cares what they think or say.,....these people think its ok FOR THEIR son to hang out with a crack using woman and that its OK for them to bail the son out of jail the son thats USING drugs.
THIS IS NOW YOUR son your talking about and you do not have to subject him to any of that actually the CPS worker would most likely tell you that subjecting your son to an active addict even dad doesnt look good for you it depends but as a mom you have a right to keep your son from an active addict even dad
tell the inlaws .......do what YOU want with YOUR kid and I'll do what I want with MINE, and when daddy gets clean stays clean and pays child support than daddy can talk to you about visits...............INLAWS have no legal right and frankly they should butt out
okay sorry thats a rant but how dare they tell you what to do when they are accepting this out of their son!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I don't want to do it at ILs house is because my MIL takes over when she is around and she will hog my sons attention so my H won't even get a chance to be with him.
His Mother is HIS problem to deal with. He needs to learn to find His own voice and stand up for the time he wants to spend with his son. Nobody can do that for Him...and if you try to make "that right" for Him....you may be hindering Him from standing up on His own two feet. That's JMO.
yeah, i couldn't find a "nice" way to say this earlier. but i don't think aah is trying to make it "right" for Him, i think she believes that visitation should be between the parent and child, it exists for a purpose, and it's to continue the relationship between father and son. he does need a relationship with g.ma and g.pa as well, but these uber-control parents are clearly seeing to that. if you can let go of any need on your side to fix those head-in-the-sand people, you will get more peace.
His Mother is HIS problem to deal with. He needs to learn to find His own voice and stand up for the time he wants to spend with his son. Nobody can do that for Him...and if you try to make "that right" for Him....you may be hindering Him from standing up on His own two feet. That's JMO.
yeah, i couldn't find a "nice" way to say this earlier. but i don't think aah is trying to make it "right" for Him, i think she believes that visitation should be between the parent and child, it exists for a purpose, and it's to continue the relationship between father and son. he does need a relationship with g.ma and g.pa as well, but these uber-control parents are clearly seeing to that. if you can let go of any need on your side to fix those head-in-the-sand people, you will get more peace.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
I'm rarely one for confrontation; however, I hate to see someone being ganged up on and brow-beaten. You can STOP the in-laws from controlling you by just refusing to deal with them. You DO have that right. These sound like the type of people who, if given an inch will take a mile. If you start out letting them have control, it will be that much harder to take that control back on down the road.
The fact that your husband can't drive is not your problem. You still don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. If he wants to see his son, he will be willing to talk directly with you regarding visitation. You don't have to talk about anything else, and if he starts in with the verbal abuse, simply hang up the phone. You do NOT have to take that.
You hold all the cards at this point. The only thing any of you have in common is your son. You have custody of him and you have, not only the right, but the obligation to do what is best for him.
Sorry for the rant, but I lived with and had a child with a super control freak and it just angers me to no end to see someone else having to deal with that crap.
The fact that your husband can't drive is not your problem. You still don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. If he wants to see his son, he will be willing to talk directly with you regarding visitation. You don't have to talk about anything else, and if he starts in with the verbal abuse, simply hang up the phone. You do NOT have to take that.
You hold all the cards at this point. The only thing any of you have in common is your son. You have custody of him and you have, not only the right, but the obligation to do what is best for him.
Sorry for the rant, but I lived with and had a child with a super control freak and it just angers me to no end to see someone else having to deal with that crap.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
aah,
This is time to make some bigtime boundaries. You know this. This daddy just got out of jail for a drug charge. I wouldn't give him any visitation until seeing a lawyer. You have the right to make all decisions in your childs best interest right now.
Personally, I would recommend to your lawyer and judge supervised visitation only.
Ignore AH's and grandparents every call.
Right now you don't need to do anything until talking with a lawyer.
Get tough and stay strong.
This is time to make some bigtime boundaries. You know this. This daddy just got out of jail for a drug charge. I wouldn't give him any visitation until seeing a lawyer. You have the right to make all decisions in your childs best interest right now.
Personally, I would recommend to your lawyer and judge supervised visitation only.
Ignore AH's and grandparents every call.
Right now you don't need to do anything until talking with a lawyer.
Get tough and stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
it's just my opinion, but you have choices about who, how, where and why your child associates with. is a quickcam or telephone visit doable ? until the dust settles a bit on this criminal event &/or you discuss with your attorney?
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i just had to give my 2 cent. imho, i understand your need for your son to have a relationship with his dad, but for right now, seems like this is hurting you more than anything.
in time, i'm sure there will be plenty of time for your son to have that relationship with his dad but is it possible that you could wait until there is a court order or until you feel better about it. is it possible that you could go no contact with all of them for now?
i honestly don't think that would be mean or dening your son his father, i think it would only mean that you are protecting the both of you from what seems to be hurting you. afterall, how can you care for yourself and your son if you're stressed out by them.
readig this literally made me cry, i have the exact kind of il's. they loved my husband to his death, imo.
in time, i'm sure there will be plenty of time for your son to have that relationship with his dad but is it possible that you could wait until there is a court order or until you feel better about it. is it possible that you could go no contact with all of them for now?
i honestly don't think that would be mean or dening your son his father, i think it would only mean that you are protecting the both of you from what seems to be hurting you. afterall, how can you care for yourself and your son if you're stressed out by them.
readig this literally made me cry, i have the exact kind of il's. they loved my husband to his death, imo.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I think the MIL's house is the best place to take the child for a visit because he wouldn't be around drug use. In a restaurant you would have to be there....(uncomfortable for everyone)......I agree with everyone about letting the lawyer decide everything with the facts......In the mean time you could help yourself with a little step work.....I am powerless over........I am afraid of.......and an Alanon meeting. I would not worry about the crack----- If they are together she isn't getting much of a prize. She's doing you a favor. You just have to worry about you and your son. You won't change your MIL. You could detach . Be like water........you aren't in control.......step two and three......Try to respond and not react. Do you have a sponser? And of course SR. We sponser each other......one BIG THERAPY. I need that Florida sunshine. Virginia is expecting another storm....the 5th this week.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
I met with a lawyer yesterday and before the separation agreement is actually put into place my husband still has all of his rights as a father. He is perfectly ok with supervised visitations (as he says "for now"), but he legally can walk into the day care and pick him up. I have alerted the day care to the situation and we changed the password for the computer to sign him out. That way if he came in to get our son it would give a chance to stall him to call me to let me know.
I allowed him to come over for an hour and a half before our son's bedtime last night and it was 100% more pleasant than the situation that occured at his parents house the night before. Long story short FIL picked a fight (with lots of cussing and as I drove away I was flicked off) with me once H took the baby in the house. Then when I ran into one of H's coworker houses to drop off his laptop I left my phone in the car. They freaked out that I was missing. Literally, I was in the house for 15 minutes. They called my mom saying I was missing and while my mom talked to H she heard my MIL say to my son "No, that isn't mommy that is your other grandma. We don't know where mommy is." That infuriated me because for 6 weeks we really had no clue where my husband really was and I NEVER ONCE told our son I didn't know where his dad was. These people clearly have some major issues and I would rather be the one to supervise the visits at this point because at least I know I won't do anything to emotionally damage my child like they do to everyone they come in contact with.
He and I got along very nice last night. There was only one uncomfortable moment. He asked how things went with the lawyer and I told him about the separation agreement. When I said that supervised visitation would be in writing he got all teared up. He said he was totally fine with supervised visitation for now, but he felt that having it in writing would cause him to lose all rights to his son. I told him it didn't mean that at all it just meant that until things got better for him it was a way to ensure that our son wasn't mixed up in any of my husband's mess. He said he was going to get a lawyer and wouldn't sign anything. I just reminded him that his defense attorney told him he isn't in any position to negotiate right now. Believe me I don't want to do it that way, but right now it is a necessity. I told him I wouldn't argue it right now and when he proves that he can be a responsible parent over time we will reconsider.
The whole thing sucks. He has passed mulitple drug tests includng a hair test. So, it does seem at this point in time that he wasn't actually using, but he was admittedly selling cocaine and put himself in a very bad situation. I can't for the life of me figure out why he would do that! He has always been on pills-never coke. I know he had done some side jobs and owed people money for that. I think he was trying to come up with the cash quickly, but what a poor, poor decision for a husband, father, professional man who already has legal issues due to addiction to make. That sort of carelessness isn't something I will negotiate with my son's well-being!
I allowed him to come over for an hour and a half before our son's bedtime last night and it was 100% more pleasant than the situation that occured at his parents house the night before. Long story short FIL picked a fight (with lots of cussing and as I drove away I was flicked off) with me once H took the baby in the house. Then when I ran into one of H's coworker houses to drop off his laptop I left my phone in the car. They freaked out that I was missing. Literally, I was in the house for 15 minutes. They called my mom saying I was missing and while my mom talked to H she heard my MIL say to my son "No, that isn't mommy that is your other grandma. We don't know where mommy is." That infuriated me because for 6 weeks we really had no clue where my husband really was and I NEVER ONCE told our son I didn't know where his dad was. These people clearly have some major issues and I would rather be the one to supervise the visits at this point because at least I know I won't do anything to emotionally damage my child like they do to everyone they come in contact with.
He and I got along very nice last night. There was only one uncomfortable moment. He asked how things went with the lawyer and I told him about the separation agreement. When I said that supervised visitation would be in writing he got all teared up. He said he was totally fine with supervised visitation for now, but he felt that having it in writing would cause him to lose all rights to his son. I told him it didn't mean that at all it just meant that until things got better for him it was a way to ensure that our son wasn't mixed up in any of my husband's mess. He said he was going to get a lawyer and wouldn't sign anything. I just reminded him that his defense attorney told him he isn't in any position to negotiate right now. Believe me I don't want to do it that way, but right now it is a necessity. I told him I wouldn't argue it right now and when he proves that he can be a responsible parent over time we will reconsider.
The whole thing sucks. He has passed mulitple drug tests includng a hair test. So, it does seem at this point in time that he wasn't actually using, but he was admittedly selling cocaine and put himself in a very bad situation. I can't for the life of me figure out why he would do that! He has always been on pills-never coke. I know he had done some side jobs and owed people money for that. I think he was trying to come up with the cash quickly, but what a poor, poor decision for a husband, father, professional man who already has legal issues due to addiction to make. That sort of carelessness isn't something I will negotiate with my son's well-being!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
yes, it does sound like his mother will undermine your relationship with your own son, and badmouth you given the chance. which is every time she sees the little guy. i think you can make yourself crazy trying ti figure them out, make sense of their motives, correct them, or even react. "this is why i'm divorcing him" got me a little mileage when i felt his behavior making me really reactive.
peace is coming
peace is coming
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