cessy68

Hi guys... I've seen a lot of threads on here latley about giving the addicts in our lives money, in one way or another.....

Regardless if it is a ring, or a 100 dollars, or gas money, etc. I finally feel that (for myself) this is ONE, lousy boundry I must uphold.

We all talked in my last post about the 'household' money the abf is supposed to give me WEEKLY, rather than it being once a month towards bills. I was finally able to say: "you are an addict, therefore I can't trust/rely that you will have money in a lump sum at the end of the month. I can not/will not try to control your behavior, but I must attend to our financial responsiblities-- I need your 400 per week, WEEKLY, to ensure all our bills get paid." He was fine with this-- (seemingly).

This week was the first week of our arrangement. (my new boundry). (and p.s. he always has money... or so I think, maybe I've been a bit in denial, and have been shortchanged) because.... here was the dialogue today from the abf: "Hey, here's 350.00 I'm paying the guy who's doing some work around the house this week, so I'm gonna take 50 out of this o.k.?"

I say(with a lump in my throat), "No, you hired him..... I pay more than you monthly, (which is fine because it is my house, and my kids here) however, the 400 is a set amount. If you wanted to hire this guy to do handy-man work, then it's got to come out of your money elsewhere. This was our agreement, I've already accounted for that money, and need 400.00 weekly as planned".

SO... he says, *manipulation*, "well if you really need the other 50 ........ then here." and he hands it to me.

I put it in my wallet and went about my business.

I realized in that moment, that before I might have said, ok... thats fine.... or whatever.

NO MORE.

I finally see, that in this one small way, I can say to myself that if he has money to buy pills-- he can pay me my money. I won't settle for one penny less.

Hopefully, this will hold him accountable..... and furthermore, will start showing me, that there are other things that I can expect, "nothing less" than what I deserve.

Love,
Cess

sofacat

Good job Cess!

You held your ground and didn't give in to his manipulation. Feels good, doesn't it?
Keep it going, you're doing great!.

EverettsWife

Good for you!
We have a similar deal in my house. AH gets paid every two weeks. On that day he MUST put the set amount into our joint household account. What's left of his check after that is his to do with as he sees fit. Buy pills, buy lunch, save up for something special, whatever. Not my problem.

coffeedrinker

yay, cessy. i am glad it turned out the way it did. and i know how hard that was to say the "uh, no..." part. super duper hard. but it gets easier!

Chino

I heard these lyrics in my head when I read your post:

Well I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

sojourner

Good for you Cessy. That's usually how things begin with the addict - "I can pay you all of it EXCEPT $5, $20, $50....." Then it escalates more and more.

But a contract is a contract. You kept your end of the bargain. And if he was thinking of hiring out work, he should have run that by you ahead of time so you were both in agreement when the time came to fork over the money.


Yeah for you!!!

liesagain

GOOD FOR YOU CESSY

cessy68

heee heee, it gets better........

so, i'm wandering about today, (he's too lazy to come).... awwww.

I find a BEAUTIFUL, and I mean BEAUTIFUL kitchen table, with eight coushy chairs, solid wood, with distressed black legs, (I have a historic house). The table was originally 2900.00, including the chairs. GUESS WHAT! It was a floor model, going out of business, I got it for 600.00!! Came home with it in my SUV.....

abf: "what the heck? Did you hit the lottery or something? I mean, its beautiful Cess, but...."

Me: "I got it for only 600.00, including the chairs!!!"

abf: "Like I said, It's beautiful, but ..... but, I mean, just this a.m. you said, you HAD to have the extra 50.00 from me, like you 'needed' it...."

Me: "I do. That goes to our household bills, whatever is left over in your wallet, you are free to do as you please, and I don't ask you any questions. Same goes for me. I manage my money well.... I have been saving a lot latley, I had the extra money, I bought it. One thing has nothing to do with the other. All our bills are paid, what's left over in my wallet-- I will spend on whatever I please."

abf: "oh..... well it's nice"

Hahahaahaha.....
I feel evil, but happy!
lol.

Love,
Cess

sofacat

That is so awesome. I was never that quick on my feet!

Nice work Cess.
Enjoy your new set, sounds gorgeous.

Chino

No I'll stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from dragging me down
gonna stand my ground
and I won't back down

Now you have me singing

cessy68

lol.... hey Chino.... I had to read it twice, and then I was like, OH *lightbulb*
Tom Petty!!!!!

Hahaha.

I'm singing too!

sunnygirl68

Great Job, u are an inspiration to all!
Congrats on your awesome find!

ItsmeAlice

Woohoo!!!

And everytime you see that set you will remember what it means to hold to one's boundaries and not let someone use you. Regardless of who they are.

Bravo!!!

Alice

Limiya

Cess, just read this. That was incredible. Well done.
They are always so good at manipulation.
I always got "you're so selfish, you forget i buy you things now and then, yet you won't even lend me a bit of money."

But i bet you feel SO GOOD though now
~Limiya~

Emptywallet

I just wanted to thank you for reinforcing for me that I did the right thing today as well. My AS just got out of rehab on Tues and even though she had shots to combat drugs and alcohol today she wanted me to get her some booze, threatened to leave me, ect. because I didn't change visitation with my 7yr old daughter. I told her I wouldn't give her money, wouldn't drive her, nothing. She even went as far as to say she would go "sell" herself! The crazy thing is that the shot prevents her from feeling any effects! Anyway, it felt good to see someone else that set a boundary and stuck with it.

ThatLittleGirl

I had this same argument with my AH this week. I told him I wanted receipts for every purchase on the credit card...no matter what. He asked why, and I told him I wouldn't knowingly fund his drug habit (it's hard to identify what's purchased from Walgreens, CVS, etc...without proof...and of course he will lie). He flew off the handle and said that I wasn't allowing him to use home funds... I laughed...I couldn't help it and told him, "You're exactly correct, you cannot use home funds to purchase your drugs! Does that sound irrational to you?" To which he had no response; he just stormed out of the bedroom into the study and turned up his horrible music to a deafening level. I didn't care...I knew he was just reacting to not having an open path to buying whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.

teke

cess, glad to hear things are working well for you.

emptywallet,
welcome.

Taking5

This sounds like a roommate, not a husband. A roommate, after they pay their share of the bills, of course would keep the rest of their money.

A husband (or wife) should put 100% of their discretionary money in the "family fund", which is then spent or saved (what a concept!). This does not mean that the AH can never have entertainment money - play golf or do other "manly" things - but letting him have all the rest of his paycheck to do with as he sees fit (including pills!) is nuts.

Sorry I do not mean to be picking on you, and I am glad you are at least getting some money every 2 weeks, but all you are doing is "managing" your enabling.

Satya

Yay! You did it! It feels great to be empowered!

tam

great job!!! feels so good to stand your ground and have control doesnt it?? my AH keeps calling me (I dont take the calls anymore) and wants to know if Im paying the bills okay and what is left each week out of my pay, I said..oh yeah all the bills are paid and whatever I have left is mine..btw I bought new curtains, new blinds, new coffee table, new tv stand..hahahhaha...he didnt like that!! so I decided to continue and asked him if he wanted to sell me his car (he knows the police were told he is driving under the influence so the car sits in my driveway,I also had things disconnected,lol) and he saids yeah..how much?? I said oh no cash, I will pay your credit card off, he said WHAT?? YOUR NOT PAYING MY CREDIT CARD? I said..hell no,thats your debt..my priority is paying the house bills now..feels good to be in control and not the addict ruin me financially (he had prior addiction in 1998 while I was undergoing cancer treatments and put us in bankruptcy ,which I got us back on our feet)..so PLEASE anyone, stick to your guns when it comes to money cause they dont care and will ruin ya