I did a terrible thing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
I did a terrible thing.
My son is currently in jail for a probation violation. He has been in for 60 days in just met with the judge on Wednesday, this week. Prior to him going in front of the judge, I sent the judge a letter begging her to put him in long term rehab. In the letter, I also told her that I was the one who turned my son in on his outstanding warrant, but that he did not know that fact.
The day before he was to go in front of the judge, he met with his public defender and his attorney told him of the 3 choices that the state attorney was going to offer. The choices all consisted of 6-8 months with adjudication withheld.
The day of court, the judge gave a copy of my letter to the state attorney and my son's attorney (who shared it with him). The state attorney pulled all the offers off the table and instead is giving him 2 years in a federal prison and charging him with a felony. My son's attorney told him that I really screwed up his case for him. I am so distraught, because of the letter I wrote the judge. Two years ago, I went in front of a judge to Marchman Act him. The judge simply signed off on the paper and sent him to a 6 month program. I thought this would be the same, but it totally backfired.
I am afraid that he will hate me for turning him in on his outstanding warrant and now this. He told me he doesn't mind doing the time, but did not want the felony charge because he wants to return to school and get a decent job. Now I have ruined that chance.
The day before he was to go in front of the judge, he met with his public defender and his attorney told him of the 3 choices that the state attorney was going to offer. The choices all consisted of 6-8 months with adjudication withheld.
The day of court, the judge gave a copy of my letter to the state attorney and my son's attorney (who shared it with him). The state attorney pulled all the offers off the table and instead is giving him 2 years in a federal prison and charging him with a felony. My son's attorney told him that I really screwed up his case for him. I am so distraught, because of the letter I wrote the judge. Two years ago, I went in front of a judge to Marchman Act him. The judge simply signed off on the paper and sent him to a 6 month program. I thought this would be the same, but it totally backfired.
I am afraid that he will hate me for turning him in on his outstanding warrant and now this. He told me he doesn't mind doing the time, but did not want the felony charge because he wants to return to school and get a decent job. Now I have ruined that chance.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
From one mama to another, please believe me when I say that he is responsible for his own actions and for his own consequences.
Right or wrong, you tried to help. You only told the truth in hopes of getting him help.
Maybe trust that the judge has a good feeling for this kind of case, especially if rehab didn't work in the past.
His future when he gets out may be more difficult because of this, but if he gets clean and works hard on recovery, his future can be a very good one.
If he had not gone to jail and continued to use, his future may have been very short.
None of us knows what the future may hold, but it helps me to trust that his Higher Power will lead him to where he is supposed to be.
I know that what helped me regain my balance when my son was spinning out of control, was to go to live meetings and work 12 little steps that literally saved my life.
Keeping you and your boy in my prayers.
Hugs
Right or wrong, you tried to help. You only told the truth in hopes of getting him help.
Maybe trust that the judge has a good feeling for this kind of case, especially if rehab didn't work in the past.
His future when he gets out may be more difficult because of this, but if he gets clean and works hard on recovery, his future can be a very good one.
If he had not gone to jail and continued to use, his future may have been very short.
None of us knows what the future may hold, but it helps me to trust that his Higher Power will lead him to where he is supposed to be.
I know that what helped me regain my balance when my son was spinning out of control, was to go to live meetings and work 12 little steps that literally saved my life.
Keeping you and your boy in my prayers.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Let it go. You are not the maker or the breaker of his success or failure to make good choices. You didn't cause this. You can't control this. You can't cure this.
How's your recovery coming along? Are you working the steps? Are you working through a self help program? Church? Support groups? Volunteer work?
Is there anything you can do to get your mind off your son and the trouble he is creating in his own life?
How's your recovery coming along? Are you working the steps? Are you working through a self help program? Church? Support groups? Volunteer work?
Is there anything you can do to get your mind off your son and the trouble he is creating in his own life?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
Another mom here....
You did not do a terrible thing. You did the only thing you knew to do at the time....try to make everything better. The reality is, we can't. And thank goodness for that, because we don't have a crystal ball and we can't know what the future may hold. But we can change our perspective today.
It takes time, but we can learn a new way of looking at our grown children...with respect that they are responsible for themselves. I still have my struggles with it, and reading and posting on SR is one thing that helps me.
I laughed out loud an Anvilhead's post. Right on! 
And, Cynical is right. If he is the one telling you what the attorney said, he is trying to push your GUILT button.
Work to let go of being responsible for him and focus on your own health and recovery.
We are here for you always.....
You did not do a terrible thing. You did the only thing you knew to do at the time....try to make everything better. The reality is, we can't. And thank goodness for that, because we don't have a crystal ball and we can't know what the future may hold. But we can change our perspective today.
It takes time, but we can learn a new way of looking at our grown children...with respect that they are responsible for themselves. I still have my struggles with it, and reading and posting on SR is one thing that helps me.
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
he's facing the music....and rather than man up and accept the consequences of his actions, he's choosing to throw the blame your way.
And, Cynical is right. If he is the one telling you what the attorney said, he is trying to push your GUILT button. Work to let go of being responsible for him and focus on your own health and recovery.
We are here for you always.....
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Something I've said here often but that bears repeating...
If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.
WE cannot save them, we can encourage and cheer them on when they make good choices, but in the end they have to find recovery and work it themselves. That's just how it works.
Now, I'd like to add....
The most loving thing we can do is let our addicts take responsibility for their actions and make their own choices...even when the choices are bad ones. That's how they learn, that's how they grow, that's how they find the right path to stay clean.
Hugs
If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.
WE cannot save them, we can encourage and cheer them on when they make good choices, but in the end they have to find recovery and work it themselves. That's just how it works.
Now, I'd like to add....
The most loving thing we can do is let our addicts take responsibility for their actions and make their own choices...even when the choices are bad ones. That's how they learn, that's how they grow, that's how they find the right path to stay clean.
Hugs
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
(((helpformyson)))
Sometimes we don't understand why things happen the way they do. They may seem really bad at the time, and we may even blame ourselves sometimes, but when you really think about it, what we don't realize is what that event prevented.
I'll be honest with you here, and I hope it isn't too blunt. My first thought when I read this, was thank you HP. This may save this young mans life. My blind faith tells me that maybe his HP knows what would happen if he were released sooner, maybe this has happened to prevent some horrible event. Maybe it has happened to save your son.
I would give anything in the world for this to have happened to Brett, maybe he would be alive today if it had, but all of his second chances are gone.
Please don't blame yourself for this, try to look at it as you were an instrument in HP's plan, you are part of a gift that gives your son a second chance. Blind faith, though sometimes is hard to accept, because we don't see what happens in the future, HP does in my opinion.
Sending lots of love, hugs and prayers.
B
Sometimes we don't understand why things happen the way they do. They may seem really bad at the time, and we may even blame ourselves sometimes, but when you really think about it, what we don't realize is what that event prevented.
I'll be honest with you here, and I hope it isn't too blunt. My first thought when I read this, was thank you HP. This may save this young mans life. My blind faith tells me that maybe his HP knows what would happen if he were released sooner, maybe this has happened to prevent some horrible event. Maybe it has happened to save your son.
I would give anything in the world for this to have happened to Brett, maybe he would be alive today if it had, but all of his second chances are gone.
Please don't blame yourself for this, try to look at it as you were an instrument in HP's plan, you are part of a gift that gives your son a second chance. Blind faith, though sometimes is hard to accept, because we don't see what happens in the future, HP does in my opinion.
Sending lots of love, hugs and prayers.
B
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
You didn't try to enable by creating or preventing a crisis. The judge agreed with you, too. You both know he needs long term rehab, you just have different versions of it. Another thought is she might see things in her documents that you can't.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
As an RA, I can promise you that YOU did not "screw up" anything for him. HE violated probation, HE made bad choices, and HE is where he needs to be.
Yes, having a felony will make it harder to get certain jobs but it will not prevent him from going back to school. He will just have to forget getting some financial aid. These are called consequences and most of us A's have to deal with them at some point...if we are lucky enough to live that long.
I'm back in school (paying for it myself), looking for a job (lost my nursing career thanks to dope), and living at home because I totally messed up my finances that there's no WAY I can afford a place of my own, right now. I violated probation when I was on it, got locked up for almost 6 months but got smart and eventually got off probation 16 months early.
He's where he needs to be...I truly believe that. He may not agree, right now, but hopefully this will give him the time he needs to see that HE has made some bad choices and HE has it in his power to make the necessary changes.
Give yourself a break, sweetie.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Yes, having a felony will make it harder to get certain jobs but it will not prevent him from going back to school. He will just have to forget getting some financial aid. These are called consequences and most of us A's have to deal with them at some point...if we are lucky enough to live that long.
I'm back in school (paying for it myself), looking for a job (lost my nursing career thanks to dope), and living at home because I totally messed up my finances that there's no WAY I can afford a place of my own, right now. I violated probation when I was on it, got locked up for almost 6 months but got smart and eventually got off probation 16 months early.
He's where he needs to be...I truly believe that. He may not agree, right now, but hopefully this will give him the time he needs to see that HE has made some bad choices and HE has it in his power to make the necessary changes.
Give yourself a break, sweetie.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Originally Posted by helpformyson
I am afraid that he will hate me for turning him in on his outstanding warrant and now this. He told me he doesn't mind doing the time, but did not want the felony charge because he wants to return to school and get a decent job. Now I have ruined that chance.
And he doesn't mind doing the time?? Something is VERY VERY wrong with him if prison/jail doesn't bother him. The least of his worries should be about school and work. He needs to figure out why doing time doesn't bother him. That's just crazy. When my friend went to jail for wrecking my truck, she was horrified and it has scared her pretty much straight (she is a lesbian, so I have to write the pretty much part.
). She was doing coke, heroin, drinking, working at the strip joint and hanging out with nefarious characters.. She still works at the strip joint on weekends, but she got a GOOD job, is working on saving money to get her own place, car, GED, and go to school and do better. She's not doing drugs. She still does have a beer every now and again, but she's vastly improved and is moving towards a better path. I am proud of her better choices. I hope she continues that way.And I hope your son learns that he is where he is supposed to be right now. And I really hope he learns something from it.
It's unfortunate he has to learn the hard way, but most of us addicts do. And it's NOT your fault. In any way!!!!! Don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't do anything stupid and someone should SLAP his attorney for saying that you ruined everything.
Now, it's hard for me to write that he's where he needs to be, when SO MANY TIMES, I should have been locked up for the things I did while out smoking crack! Just buying it should have gotten me locked up. So I feel kinda guilty when I write or say things like "He/She needs to do their time. They did the crime.", when I got away with it. I know, there is a reason I did not get caught and that is why I am enrolled in the Criminal Justice program. I just feel that is where I need to go. I need to give back, after all the trouble I've caused. And hey, it'll get me a paycheck at the same time.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You don't know that this is not the best option for him...
It is. Why, because this is what is.
We create sadness and madness for ourselves when we argue with reality.
We get peace when we accept reality. Your son will face his conseq. and make adjustments to not repeat them if he uses this opportunity to do so. If not, the lesson will come around or him again and again until he gets it.
Don;t beat yourself up...it is time for acceptance of what it and making the best of it.
It is. Why, because this is what is.
We create sadness and madness for ourselves when we argue with reality.
We get peace when we accept reality. Your son will face his conseq. and make adjustments to not repeat them if he uses this opportunity to do so. If not, the lesson will come around or him again and again until he gets it.
Don;t beat yourself up...it is time for acceptance of what it and making the best of it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
I'm not a lawyer, but I do agree with cynical one - something sounds quite odd about the scenario that you described. A state attorney cannot charge someone with a federal crime, they would have to refer the matter to the local US attorney.
If what you described did in fact happen, know that it was his actions that caused a warrant to be issued in the first place, that has him sitting in jail as we speak... you tried your best, and that's all that anyone can do.
If what you described did in fact happen, know that it was his actions that caused a warrant to be issued in the first place, that has him sitting in jail as we speak... you tried your best, and that's all that anyone can do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Had I made different choices in my life after I graduated high school, I would have been an RN for over 30 years now.
My AA/Alanon sponsor told me at one point early in my recovery that I would have consequences of my alcoholism/addictions that would span many years after I got into recovery.
He was right.
I'll finally complete 2 college degrees by this December, and will be 52 by then. I'm very proud of that.
I blew my opportunity for college (and threw away an academic scholarship too) at age 18 when I decided to dive headfirst into the party scene and throw caution to the wind.
I am blessed to never having had any real legal troubles, including felony charges. That was only because I was never caught.
It wasn't until I ended up with a child who is addicted that I truly understood everything that I put my parents through, and they did the best that they could with what they had at the time.
For me, God is either everything, or he is nothing. I trust he has a plan for my addict daughter just as he has for me. I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.
:ghug3 :ghug3
My AA/Alanon sponsor told me at one point early in my recovery that I would have consequences of my alcoholism/addictions that would span many years after I got into recovery.
He was right.
I'll finally complete 2 college degrees by this December, and will be 52 by then. I'm very proud of that.
I blew my opportunity for college (and threw away an academic scholarship too) at age 18 when I decided to dive headfirst into the party scene and throw caution to the wind.
I am blessed to never having had any real legal troubles, including felony charges. That was only because I was never caught.
It wasn't until I ended up with a child who is addicted that I truly understood everything that I put my parents through, and they did the best that they could with what they had at the time.
For me, God is either everything, or he is nothing. I trust he has a plan for my addict daughter just as he has for me. I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.
:ghug3 :ghug3
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
