I need support, too

Old 02-22-2010, 05:15 PM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Chicago area, IL
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Unhappy I need support, too

Hello, I'm new here, just needing someplace safe to talk to people and get advice.

I just found out that the man I love has been addicted to heroin for about a year now. He did an excellent job of hiding it; I never suspected a thing. I can't really believe all this is happening. I feel like this is somehow my fault, even though I know it isn't; I feel like I should have known and found a way to help him.

He has been so wonderful and honest about it. He is trying so hard to quit, and is on day 6 cold turkey. I'm supporting him in every way I can, but it is so hard for me to deal with all of this. I feel like I'm alone and that I can't help as much as he needs me to. I'm scared. What can I do to help and support him?
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Old 02-22-2010, 05:24 PM
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Hi Heroine

If I know one thing it's that noone else was to blame for my addiction - that didn't stop me blaming people tho, and it didn't stop me feeling like you do when it happened to me.

You'll find a lot of support and help here

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Old 02-22-2010, 05:37 PM
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grateful rca
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hi heroine, welcome to sr. i'm sorry this is happening for you but i'm glad you joined us. sorry to say but there is really nothing you can do to help him other than to keep the focus on you and what you need to do to make your life more peaceful. he'll have to help himself. i'm glad to hear that he is trying and is detoxing but imo, detoxing would be better left to the professionals unless you are one.

do he have a plan of recovery after he detox. is he going to meetings, or have a sponsor?
detoxing is only the beginning of recovery, the hard part begins afterwards and is a life long process. are you willing to take a chance at living with this over and over yr after yr? know that this is a possibility.

maybe you could search your area for alanon or naranon f2f support groups for yourself and attend as many meeting as possible. keep posting and reading here. take care of you.
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Old 02-22-2010, 06:59 PM
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Hello, Heroine, and Welcome!

This truly IS a safe and supportive place. Sometimes you may hear something you don't quite agree with, or doesn't feel good to hear, but there are years and years of combined experience here, backed up with a boatload of heartache AND successes.

Originally Posted by heroine View Post
I feel like I'm alone and that I can't help as much as he needs me to.
You are actually right about that. You can't help as much as he needs. You are his GF/lover/partner/friend. You are not the panacea, you are not the Sponsor, you are not his "brother in arms" in the minefield of addiction. He needs to seek these helpmates out himself....when he is starting to feel better that is. The W/D of heroin is awful, he doesn't want to fail, use again and have to go through it ever again. And neither do you.

Good luck - if he's on day six, I think he should be turning the corner.
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Old 02-23-2010, 09:13 AM
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Thanks so much for the encouragement everyone he's doing much better now, and was finally able to sleep last night. Hopefully the worst is over, and we won't ever have to go through this again.

There are still so many things rushing through my mind; mostly, what if he starts using again? If I couldn't tell the first time, I'm scared I won't be able to now either. I know that if he does it will be very, very hard for me to stay with him, which breaks my heart. I don't want him to be out of my life.
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Old 02-23-2010, 10:42 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Welcome to SR,

Know that detox is just the beginning, as horrible as it is thats the easy part, the hard part is staying clean and chances are he can't do this alone, does he know about Narcotics Annonymous? It would be a good thing for him to check out.

Now you've raised some serious questions about how you can deal with all this. Please go check out Naranon or Alanon meetings, they will give you the tools you need to help you help yourself. Because you can't help him, only he can. But you can help yourself.

Check it out,

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Old 02-23-2010, 02:57 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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You are right to ask yourself "What IF he starts using again?" Do you have any boundaries FOR YOU about the kind of behavior you will and will not accept in your life, the kind of person you want to spend your time with?

What are you going to do for yourself if he starts using again? How many times are you willing to help him detox before you decide enough is enough?

Because nothing you do will make him stay clean. Nothing. He is a man. He is an addict. You cannot fix him. You can only protect yourself with boundaries should he decide to use again.
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Old 02-23-2010, 05:25 PM
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Welcome! You will find some truly great support here (Look at the amount of posts some of the members have. This is a group I have found to be a GREAT help.)

You did not know about it, so how can you even start to blame yourself?
I was told the three C's

you did not Cause it, you can not Control it, you can't Cure it

Your boyfriend needs to seek professional help. If he has no insurance, emergency medicaid normally kicks in for such, depending on income. (That is what I have seen, but it may vary from state to state.)

You need to take care of YOU, find meetings and continue to seek support for your own sanity.
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Old 02-26-2010, 12:04 AM
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Thanks again everyone. He's actually my fiance, and we do have health insurance. The last couple days have been markedly better physically and so I don't think rehab would really be necessary. It seems like the battle will be much more mental & emotional now, but he is so devoted to getting better that sometimes he surprises me with his optimism. Somehow, I think he's doing better with all of this than I am. I'm encouraging him to attend NarcAnon as well, but he hasn't found a meeting that is close enough and at a good time (we both work and go to school full time).

Also, I've started back in counseling today (something I should have done a long time ago) so I can start thinking about how I can handle this on a personal level. He said he has been writing a lot about his experiences, and reading some of his notes has been very helpful to me as far as understanding the nature of being addicted to something you made me feel better to know that this wasn't something he really wanted to do, just more of a physical compulsion and a fear of what would happen if he stopped. I think I'm finally able to start remembering how much I love him now, and I hope he stays clean. I think he will!
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Old 02-26-2010, 12:54 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Lufkin,TX
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You remind me so much of myself when I first found out that my husband was using. I was so ignorant to the way that addiction works. Rehab is about so much more than detoxing. It teaches the addict how to live sober and gives them tools that will help them stay sober and a support group. The first time my AH went through detox at home I thought that that would be the end of the drug use also. It is so terrible how could they possibly want to risk going through it again? I don't mean to be harsh or sound cold. It's just that I've been right were you are now and know the road that you may take. How do you know that he wont start using again? You don't. How will you know if he does start using again? Educate your self about addicition. Get your self help. Just please try to remember that you CAN NOT fix him. He is the only one who can fix his self. He can drag you down with him if you let him. This is one of the hardest things you will ever have to deal with in your life. I pray that he does get the support that he needs and that he does stay sober. Just remember to take care of your self and get help for yourself so you can handle all of this.
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Old 02-26-2010, 05:42 AM
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i agree with "slowburn" -- rehab is not only so much more than the initial detox phase, but they are really two totally different pieces in the recovery process. there is just so, so much to be tackled, learned, and he will need a lot of stuff in his "toolbox" so that when life gets challenging, and when he is fighting cravings, he cal pull one out. the cravings can show up months, or even years from now - it is fairly complex. i think going to counseling is right now the very best decision for you. try not to project too much in the future - i know the fears and the questions and how they follow you around! but if he does an inpatient or an outpatient program, there should be a component for you, the fiance. part of it might be where he shares signs of relapse with you, what you would notice and how he feels (today) you should react.
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