tjp613

Your therapist sounds like a very smart guy, Cess. You're lucky to have him in your corner!

I'd take the pee test back to the store if I were you. If he didn't take it right then and there, then it really doesn't have any value. A hair test would be the way to go at this point, but he isn't gonna go for that either.

coffeedrinker

yes, he does sound pretty solid. he recognizes that when you are so entrenched in your relationship, it's not easy or simple to make a decision to extricate yourself. it's a process. i believe my therapist is similar in that regard. he is helping me gain understanding, teaching me things i wouldn't/couldn't, come up with on my own, and even though i was becoming stronger prior, i am doing so even more, with his assistance. he recognizes the good qualities that my abf has, and validates my feelings for him (well, to a point; he's a little baffled too).

not my intention to start a home drug test discussion, but fyi, the hair test does not cost much more than the pee test, and he doesn't even know he's giving one, since you just cut his hair in his sleep. but i guess we already know that he's using, so ok, nvm.

callie, me too! i had a plan before my xah went to rehab, i had to do a lot of planning to ask for a divorce, i have a plan now. i get it.

cessy68

Well, just had this weeks appointment today.......and this came up, ironically.

I told him about anvil's reply to me, and I felt like she was pointing out to me that because the "new" thing...................... (when she said that) was like this was just another attempt on my part to 'rationalize' staying.....

and his response was "SO?"

I said, "so???"

He then made sense.

He said, "well putting aside the sarcasim in her reply... so what if she's pointing out to you that you are yet again rationalizeing why you stay? You are. And that's ok for you right now. Who cares if someone tells you that you are rationalizing it?"

So I said, "WELL BECAUSE................."

He said, "What?"

I couldn't answer.

So he said, "Cess, here is what I think. You spend so much time feeling 'wrong' and always wanting to be 'perfect' that you get injured everytime someone calls you out on something. It dosen't make you BAD because you are rationalizing your relationship."

*i start crying*

Then he says... "Cess, here why you can't let go, because if you leave, then yet again, YOU feel YOU wern't good enough. Problem is, that in some way shape or form, you feel you can 'help, love, etc' him out of his addiciton, and if you don't you are WRONG, and you can't feel that.....because you feel 'wrong' about something everyday of your life. In all outward aspects you've got it ALL going on... but deep down inside, you never feel good enough, and until you face that pain, you'll keep doing this".

*crying more.*

Guess he made a lot of sense.

thank you ALL for the replies.

Love,
Cess

Callie

OH Anvil your head is on the block! Can't disagree with you though girl. Truth be told, Cess, you ARE accepting less than you deserve. I did the same. For me it was for $, then work, then odd jobs then, getting my finances in order, then working with lawyers. Blah blah blah. In the end it was ME that was prolonging all of this. He was never going to change. It had to be ME that initiated things as hard as it was.

Cess, you keep going back again and again and again for more of the same. I understand it - I totally do. I just hate to see you where I am. IMHO your counselor is biding your time. He's allowing you to hold on longer. I totally get that, but I don't want you to go through what I went through.

wicked

Cessy,
Thank you for this.
You are doing great. And your therapist is fantastic!
Oh, I understand about feeling "wrong"!
Wow.
I am OK, you are OK. Keep on keepin' on Cessy.

tjp613

In all fairness, the therapist isn't "allowing her to hold on longer".... therapists don't "allow" or "forbid" anything. They help us to gently work through our stuff so we can make the right decision for ourselves -- asking questions and making observations to reflect ourselves back to us from a different angle. Hopefully, some of the blind spots start to clear up along the way and we learn how to stop the "insanity of doing the same thing over and over..." Like I always say....We all do the best we can with what we have to work with.

Chino

My therapist calls it holding up a mirror. As I've shed my codie behavior, I no longer see my daughter or any others when I hold a mirror to myself. They can find their own mirror.

hello-kitty

nope. No one can control Cessy's behavior anymore than Cessy can control her BFs behavior. She is responsible for her own choices. Just like we all are.

Callie

point taken guys... you are right. It is Cessy's decision. Hang in there Cess, you'll get where you need to be on time.

Carol Star

My therapist said she didn't stop me from going back because there was something I hadn't learned yet. It did end up making me crazier than him. Finally I got out. Now two and a half years later I live a boring, serene life and it is good. It took what it took for as long as it took. XAH knew the herbs to take anyway to pass p- tests. He took tests with his probation officer every month and he was using and passed drinking and smoking pot. Every time. I miss the potential of who he coud have been not who he was/is. Alanon helped me alot. Therapy helped but jumped up my health insurance premium. SR helped alot. I had trouble breaking the vows and my pastor said the Bible says" do not be yoked to a drunkard." It took what it took for as long as it took.

cessy68

ok. soooo, I don't like going on SR @work, because I think they monitor the sites we visit(not sure), but I just don't do it. BUT today, I checked this real quick and had to wait to reply to tonight..........

I really believe NOTHING is a conincidence in life, and I read this, and thought, "oh anvil, even if your beating something into my head, your so dang funny and I love your analogies....." THEN..... I listen above me, to the little speakers in my office playing the satallite music, I hear the intro, then I hear, "Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the heart goes on..... we'll stay foreeever this way..................." AHHHHHHHH the song from titanic was playing......:rotfxko

:rotfxko

I had to tell you all.

Love,
Cess

ItsmeAlice

Does this mean your higher power could very well be Celine Dion?

That is too quirky to be dismissed, I think Cessy. So glad you are laughing. It feeds the soul.

Alice

coffeedrinker

just my 2 cents:

no, the therapist isn't truly "allowing" her to hang on. he is simply giving her his permission to, not trying to beat her up over her decision, or beat her into a decision she's not quite ready for. because (as i think cessy pointed out some time back to another poster) if you leave when you aren't truly ready, you will likely just return. it stinks to be stuck, but there is a wisdom in recognizing where you're at and trying to really look at it, and see it for what is at play.

cessy68

lol... gosh I surely hope not, the girl is a 'hot mess' right now..... if I ever mention here that I wanna be pregnant again, (at 40) like miss Celine, ya all better come through the computer and just smack me! lol.

Love,
Cess

liesagain

cess

drug test and boundaries and who says what is right or wrong..............the main thing is it all comes down to you..............when your ready you will know but to get ready I would recommend you again (if you hav already) read codependant nomore, read getting them sober by toby rice and find yourself a ACODA meeting
it is all about working on the parts of you that make it okay to keep accepting less thAN YOU DESERVE............(((((hugs))))))))))

liesagain

Are you wondering when the pain stops?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.


The Pain Stops: When you are ready.

ORIGINALLY POSTED BY:Nytepassion

cmhcali

Hang in there lady. We all get the crazies and want the truth at all costs. I have bought a drug test and my abf didnt need to take it as he came up with a great reason why he would fail. His doctor accidentally gave him OC's. We all have done these things and I truly believe what your counselor says about setting up small boundaries and achieving them so if you do decide to leave you are ready. Dont beat yourself up you are just in love with an addict and so am I.