Insulated

the spirit world does make themselves known at times. coins, electronics, etc. i am the most skeptical of anyone, but I am now coming around and it's comforting to know they watch over us. Personally I keep reminding myself that he is finally released from the chains that bound him. He is in bliss, whole, and in God's glory. I highly recommend Hospice, they have such a gift of matching the candidate with the appropriate counselor. It benefited me greatly. You will know when you're ready to make that move, go slow and know that the waves become less over time.

teke

i'm feeling kind of numb right now, i guess questioning god, i just don't understand why he had to go. i'm a widow for the 2nd time, makes me not want to even think about being that close to no one else ever. this is so unreal.

there are times i'm ok, but nights gets really hard. i can still see him standing in the door way. what did i do to deserve this.

i feel like i really need help here but what kind, i just don't know. you guys have been great. i just wish i could go to sleep and when i wake, i find it all just a bad dream...

i'm getting closer to the day that i'll have to lay him to rest forever and my heart is really hurting. i've gotta do what i just don't want to do.

coffeedrinker

so very very very sorry, honey

Impurrfect

(((Teke))) - Big hugs and prayers coming your way sweetie.

Amy

Callie

Teke - you are living what is our biggest fear here. We're here because we love addicts. Sons, daughters, husbands, wifes, brothers, sisters, parents. Come here anytime and vent. When addiction escalates to this WE don't know what to do. You know, my bff said the other day of ALL people - I can't believe that YOU would tolerate this. Teke - my response was 'you never know what you'll do until you walk in my shoes.' I strongly believe that.

You do what you have to. To get through this. I've not shared this here before, but my 18 year old brother was killed in a car accident 19 years ago. He was the most awesome person you could ever meet. He was set to go to school @ a great college - had a full ride. He was going to be an architectural engineer. He played basketball, played golf, was very popular in high school. He was 18 and a month away from graduation. A person ran a stop sign and ended all of that. I spent months trying to figure it all out. If I would have just called that am and delayed him a bit. If he had just taken out the trash, just fed the dogs etc. I blamed myself for so long about this. I tried to bargain with God to just take me, bring him back. I swear I would have given myself to spare him. He was so loved, had so many gifts, was better, smarter etc. I don't know how or why, but eventually I just knew he was with me. Somehow I found peace. I didn't find an explanation, but I just (as chino said) knew he was with me all of the time - whenever I wanted.

Was he taken early to spare him from cancer or a tragic death? What was the reason? In MY mind their will NEVER be a justifiable reason -. I don't know what to say except I'm sorry for your loss. I remember the line @ the funeral home. People came through upset, with all of the wrong words. People came through saying God has a reason. For me that just made me mad. WHY would God take my brother. A good person, destined to be great. Why is he leaving he scum of the earth here and taking HIM? I don't have that answer, but I know he's resting in the arms of the angels right now. I KNOW he is MY guardian angel right now. He IS watching over me and protecting me.

Maybe you AH is doing right now what he couldn't do on earth...protect you, your kids and watch over you. Maybe God is taking him to MAKE him clean - something that he couldn't do from the outside. Teke - I think of you often. You are living a huge fear of mine. Hugs to you and PLEASE keep posting. In the end - you have to lookout for YOURSELF AND your SEVEN kids. Your AH wouldn't want anything less. Just as your AH has trusted you, mine has trusted me. He knows they're in good care.

Again, I'm so sorry. PM me anytime that you want. You are loved.

Suspicious

i would only be able to echo what so many others here have already said. i am so sorry that you are grieving... not only the loss of your husband but grieving because of the circumstances and status of your relationship. dont berate yourself over the choices you made.

teke

thanks.

callie, that helped a lot. i have got to figure out what could possibly be next for me. i'm 56yrs old, totally grey headed and partially disabled. i just can't imagine any kind of life after this. i've spent most of my adult yrs hoping for change or that miracle to happen and now that he's gone, i feel kind of hopeless.

i know i'm not alone, i have my kids and you guys but now i think i know what real loneliness feels like, i only thought i knew before. i wish there was a pill i could take, even the voice of my addiction has tried to call me out but don't worry, i won't let that happen. that would be worse than anything.

i've been sitting here most all day, every day and half the night, i just feel like typing, doing whatever i can to keep busy. this is where i come when i can go no where else. i hope you guys understand. i'm not crazy or going crazy, it just feels like it sometimes.

if any one gets tired of reading this, please just pass on by, i do understand. sr is not all about me and my trials, i just don't know what else to do right now.

wicked

Teke,

I have not been on SR for very long, but I want to tell you how much I appreciate your warm, kind and thoughtful replies to everyone here.
I am so sorry for your loss.
From another woman who has passed the half century (eek!) mark, I know you will find your peace and serenity again. It is always right there.

Thank you again,
Beth

teke

thanks wicked, so there is hope, huh?

slowburn68

I can relate to how your feeling. I lost my AH 3 months ago. He had been clean for a little over a year and had relapsed and overdosed. He was working out of town at the time and was found my a hotel maid. He was close to the town that we left when he got clean. I was worried it would be to much for him and told him so. My worse fear came true. At first I was in shock and just wanted him back here with us and kept expecting him to call or walk through the door. When I finely got to see his body it made it more real. For the past couple of months I have been so angry with him. If he walked through the door right now I'd kill him for putting everyone through all of this. He is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. I think part of it is that all the hope I had for him to stay clean and the life we should have had together is now gone. I know that there is no hope for us to have the life we wanted. We won't raise our baby together and we won't grow old together. He took all that hope away. Hope has kept me going through all of his addiction and that is gone. I don't want to be angry any more. It makes me mad because I feel like me being angry with him still gives his addiction control over me. My prayers are with you and you are in my thoughts. I know how hard this is. Hope I didn't get off of the subject to much. LOL Much love.

teke

slowburn,

i'm sorry about your husband, what you've said here is exactly to the letter how i've been feeling. lots of anger at him, then his mother and brothers. i guess i blame him for dying and them for keeping their door open to him/ his addiction and encouraging him to live with them and not his family, they seem to have been convinced that i was the enemy. i keep thinking that maybe if they had put more interest in understanding addiction and kind of stepped out of my marriage, i may have been more able to recognize his was sick and could have better encouraged him to see the doctor, maybe he would have reached a different bottom.

i really know all this has to be wrong thinking, nobody is to blame but i guess thats where i am right now. i don''t know if his brain tumor was addiction related but i do know that while he was around, i was more able to notice if he was sick. i'm sure his addiction wouldn't allow him to take care of himself but there were signs when he last lived with me. i wonder did anyone else notice, according to him, they never really cared unless he had money to take care of them.

i'm also angry because after his passing, they wanted me to agree to not claiming his body. they wanted to leave his as property of the prison in another part of the state. how could they not want to bring his body home? so what he was an addict, he still deserved more than that, i think. thanks to my friends here at sr, i was able to bring him back home for a proper military burial. i don't know, i guess i know what anger is gonna do for me, so i have to work my way through all of this.

i feel like his family didn't really acknowledge him or us in life and now in death, but thats ok, its over now.

Insulated

teke - you are ONLY 56

teke

okay, so what is that suppose to mean???? seriously, i feel like the old lady who lived in a shoe.

Chino

My now recovering stepmother was 56 when my dad died five years ago. She was gray and has a partial disability too. My dad was the ultimate control freak so she was a binge drinker before he died. But after is when she went full throttle for three years, until hitting a tree and ending up on life support for a month stopped her. She lost her car, her job, almost her home and has a mountain of debt.

She's been sober over a year now and is now the treasurer for her AA group. The first six months of sobriety were a real beach for her. Besides facing all the consequences, she was finally facing the grief stone cold sober. She had her meetings and local support system but I was/am her connection to my dad. I'm so glad I had finally learned to listen without trying to control. I have her to thank for teaching me and reinforcing how to support recovery.

She found hope again. She smiles and laughs now, though she still has moments of sorrow, anger, and even panic. That's when she says "one moment at time, right?"

We're with you teke, one day at a time, one moment at a time, one post at a time.

coffeedrinker

teke,

thinking of you this night; i know you have a helluva day to face tomorrow.

one foot in front of the other.




guess whose there with you?

Impurrfect

(((Teke))) - love you, sweetie!

Amy

Impurrfect

(((Teke))) - I'm so sorry I couldn't make it today in person, but I promise you, I was there with you in spirit, love and friendship. I'm sure there were many more of us who were also "there".

I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you, and sending you so many, many hugs and prayers for you and your kids.

Amy