aah1977

I try really, really hard not to let the negative thoughts take over, but somedays I just can't help it. I know that I need to work on myself and that I can't put all the blame of my situation on my husband for being an addict. I know that I have to take responsibility for my own life, but sometimes I just get so angry! I am having one of those days. AH hasn't seen or called our son in 5 days and it just really burns me up. I enjoy my life free of the caios that follows my husband, but my son deserves to see him. I try to just go about my day not thinking about him, but I just about lose it whenever my toddler says to me "when dada home?" Or when we are driving and he sees a vehicle like my husbands and he gets excited thinking it was his dad. Then after a really nice afternoon out I drove down my street to see his truck parked around the back of a house that is for rent (I think he might be moving in there because the For Rent sign is gone) and noticed my son's car seat sitting in the front driveway.

I'm just having this self pity moment where I'm so mad at the addiction! I feel like I had no choice in how this is all playing out. Something I've been playing around with in my mind is that my husband chose to do drugs, I didn't. I didn't chose to get caught up in this mess. I didn't choose to leave in the beginning either. I was living my life when all this transpired. We got married, bought a house and started a family. We had a shared dream for our life. Things were good and then he became an addict. So I have one of 2 choices stay with him and endure a lifetime of pain or get the heck out, which is what I'm doing. But, tonight I'm mad because I wish I never had to choose one of those 2 options.

Ann

(((Aah)))

It's hard to walk away, but it's harder to stay.

Staying busy and connected to recovery people helped me when my son disappeared.

Keeping you and your boy in my prayers, for better days to come.

Hugs

aah1977

Oh, I have to admit I did something really stupid, too. About 30 minutes after I saw his truck I was out delivering my son's birthday party invitations to some neighbors and noticed his truck was gone, but the car seat was still sitting in the driveway. I went and took it because it is suppose to rain tonight and I don't want it to get ruined. We each have our own car seats, but I bought them both and it isn't like he ever sees his kid anyway. I KNOW I should have just let it go and left the seat there, but something just snapped! I sent him a simple text that said, "Saw M's car seat in front of the house your truck was parked at earlier today. Didn't want it to get rained on so I have it."

A little immature, but whats done is done!

teke

aah, i'm sorry you are feeling kind of down, it does get better even though i know it don't feel like it right now. i think maybe just give it time and continue to focus on making life better for you and your son in the now. it always feels worse when we look so far into the future. try to live in the day you're in, who knows, he maybe moving into the house but even that don't mean it has to be the final draw unless you decide it is.

it is possible that being away from you guys, could more than likely turn out to be whats best for the both of you. on his own, he could be in a better position to find his bottom.

my husband (may he rest in peace), moved out many times but that didn't keep him from eventually trying to manipulate his way back home so prepare yourself. keep the focus on you and know that the decisions you make today may make a much better tomorrow. you and your family are in my prayers.

aah1977

Thanks, Teke! I am prepared to have him try to manipulate himself back in. He canceled our mediation on Thursday and then when I told him that it really upset me he started in on this whole song and dance asking me if I really wanted to be seperated because he was thinking it wasn't a good idea anymore. I told him that I did think it was the best thing and that even if we decided to go to counseling to see if there was a way to work it out we still needed to be under seperate roofs.

Him renting that house wouldn't be my first choice considering I will have to pass it everytime I leave the house, come home, go for a walk etc. Not to mention that I can't afford my house alone and will likely be moving back with my parents (who live right next door). It will just add another layer of anger because here I am sacrificing the home I own and move in with my parents so that he can rent a house.

teke

now that just sad, i'm willing to bet he's not thinking about what all this means for the both of you, huh!.......... ahhh that addictive thinking!!!!!!! don't you wish sometimes you could just hit them over the head and knock some common sense in there! oh, as sad as it maybe, it is what it is and you've gotta do what you gotta do. i pray that it all works out just the way it should.

Time4Me1

Everything happens for a reason. Maybe giving up your house will free you to begin down a new path. I try to find meaning and reasons for the seemingly "bad" things that happen. Try to focus on something else as you drive by the house...listen to a song that gives you strength like Hero, by Mariah Carey...or an Alonis Morriset song..IDK anything that can deter the negative thoughts and feelings from seeping in. Try to control your thought process...I'm trying to learn how to do this myself!!!!