littlebird77

My RABF mom is calling me up asking for money. His dad is terminally ill with cancer and she needs money. I am so stupid, I lent her money for medicine. Now I just lent her a big chunk of change for the interest of items she had in pawn. Here is my boyfriend in recovery, being so good, and now I have to deal with his mom. I went off. He had no idea she was calling me up for money... I can't stand when people ask me for money. Even worse, I hate that I don't have the strength to say no. I feel so guilted with the father situation.

Ann

What helps me say no to money requests is to simply say, "I'm sorry, I don't have any money". That pretty much stops them in their tracks.

Perhaps his mom could connect to a Cancer support group and they may be able to help her find the help she needs for medication.

Hugs

littlebird77

The response I get when I say I don't have money is to put it on my charge.

Ann

Don't let her out-manoever you by getting drawn in.

Charge?

Can't, I have no money to pay it.

Borrow?

Can't I have no money to pay it back....gotta go now,...and run.

You can do it, practice in front of a mirror. I did, no kidding.

Hugs

CatsPajamas

Ann beat me to it! (she usually does) I also had to practice saying no. I did it in front of a mirror, and I used to say it over and over again when I was drying my hair.

No.
No, I can't do that, but I can do this
Nope. I won't be able to do that.

It was so foreign for me to say no. I always said yes. I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings. I didn't want them to think less of me. I didn't want anyone else to feel any discomfort. It took me awhile to learn a different way of looking at things:

(1) No is actually a complete sentence.
(2) When I say yes when I really want to say no, I am not honoring my true self.
(3) when I do something for someone else that they should really be doing for themselves, I am robbing that person of his or her dignity.
(4) what other people think of me is really none of my business.

Those were important and life changing things for me to learn and practice. It took time and patience, but it works.

teke

sorry this is happening. while you are practicing saying "no", practice saying "i'm not an idiot", cause you are not, you seem to be a kind and loving person maybe with a problem saying "no".

glad to hear that your bf is doing good. all of you are in my prayers.

littlebird77

So I sent the money and everything went though on my end, but she is telling me she did not get it. I went back in to my account it says it went through. She said I must have not wanted to send it, because she did not get it. I am really an idiot now.

Either she wants me to send more money, or she is dodging the fact that she got it. I've reported it to the bank.

Callie

I would IMMEDIATELY do something to either get it sent back or corrected. I don't know how you sent it, but they CAN trace it and verify that it did go where it was suppose too.

LB - you've learned your lesson hopefully. Practice saying NO so it doesn't happen again. You're not an idiot. If you are, so am I... I've btdt many times with AH. Wait - maybe we are idiots?? J/K

coffeedrinker

Yes, you do have to practice. And it DOES get easier. I find that having a little supply of the one-liners, well rehearsed, helps. Sorry, but this woman sounds a bit like a piece of work. She did not get it?? Hmmm. Contact your bank, as Callie suggested. And maybe put a stop pay if possible, and let her know that when you balanced, you were incorrect, you really can't afford this.
I hope she has a track record of re-paying you.

A gift is not a gift if it is not freely given.

littlebird77

Nope, Sorry bud, Can't Do it, Ask Someone else, NO, NO, NOOOO!!!!

Callie

It clicks! Good for you LB - you've learned your lesson so this won't happen again. I can't tell you how many times No, I don't have it blah blah would have samed me a chunk of change. One thing that I do is keep $ in my savings and minimal in my checking. That way if $ was to be accessed to through my debit it would bounce. I kinda feel like if it's in my savings vs. checking that I don't have 'access to it'.

mooselips

I had a huge problem saying no.
Not just with money requests, but ANY requsest.
Need a cake for a party? No problem.
Need help with decorations? I'm there.

The sons hitting my "mom" gene cost me lots of money.

Then I came here, and attended Alanon.
I started making post it notes and putting them on the table by the phone, with answers to every question I could think of.

The last time my son called, I told him I was just going to call HIM to borrow 50 bucks. That one stopped him short.

The best answer I ever wrote down was simply NO, I cannot.

No excuses, no story, nothing but NO.

You CAN do this. Practice makes perfect.

Be heartless.

wicked

Mooselips,

This is perfect! Writing it down.
"So glad you called, got any cash I can borrow?"
LOL

mooselips

little bird,
I just thought of something else.

That lady is USING you.
She KNOWS you're a soft touch!

(I feel bad her husband has cancer and all, I really do, but who's to say YOU won't need that money sometimes in the future for YOU?)

Stiffen that upper lip!