firekitty

I found this site by searching about drug addicts & lies. I have been married to an alcoholic/drug addict for almost 17 years now. We have two great kids! His addiction has sucked the life out of me! He was and had been an alcoholic for years when I married him. I was young and had no clue what "alcoholic" meant even though all the people around me gave me warning. I just knew I was in love and that was all that mattered. He got sober from alcohol after being married for 8 years. After his first year of sobriety, I started to see a difference in him and finally felt like we would work. He stayed sober for almost 5 years and had become "Mr. 12 Step Himself" and life was good. Then he was introduced to pain pills about 4 years ago and it things went downhill faster than I can comprehend! I don't even know this person anymore. It is so much worse than the drinking ever was because now he is high all the time....I never see the person I love anymore. He is consumed. He has told so many lies, took money from our family and just destroyed us, himself and his relationship with our kids. He has been in and out of rehab a few times but always goes back to pills within weeks. I can't do this anymore. When is gets caught by me (which is ALL the time) he yells and me and berates me. How he feels like a prisoner in his own home...blah, blah, blah. I have found pills and took possession of them without him knowing and asked if he is using and he will lie right in my face. Yelling, Screaming and just a full on temper tantrum. Then, when he discovers they are no longer in his pocket, he wont speak to or look at me. It's this song and dance all the time...I have turned into a detective 24/7 and it's killing me. I kicked him out a week ago. I know it's the right thing to do. Why is it so hard? At first he was like "ok, I understand", then he turned to feeling sorry for himself and now he is just angry. Treating me like crap and the problem is him, not me. I've always been there for him but now I need to be there for me and my kids. In just the week he has been gone, me and the kids feel like we can breath again! Home life is so calm and family-like which is what we crave! But now he is calling and demanding I make a decision...are we getting divorced or what? He says he has not done that much wrong. He says he can't live each day not knowing what is happening. I laugh at that because I have lived that way for years and he can't take it a week? He said he was going on with his life...he won't...he is just trying to hurt me...I don't know him anymore....I am scared and hurt and confused and just don't know what to do. I don't want him home....I do want a divorce because the person I fell in love with will never return. But why can't I say that out loud? Why can't I make it happen? Why do I feel like I am letting him down and hurting him? Why am I more worried about his future than mine? I can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth. He claims he has not taken anything while he has been gone. Why do I partially believe him when I know its not true?? I feel like I am going insane!!! It's like my head knows what is right but my heart fights it!! I just want to be happy and do what is best for me and the kids. They mean the world to me!!

tchappy

I just wanted to say welcome to SR and I'm sorry for what you are going through. Take some time and look around and read some posts. Read the stickys at the top especially the one about "What addicts do".

I really think you have done the right thing making him leave for now. Try and put the focus back on yourself and your kids. Being consumed by his addiction can make you feel insane. I know exactly how you feel. I made my exabf leave a little over 2 months ago now and it was the best decision I made. I had to make it or his addiction was going to take me DOWN with him.

I know it is hard right now and you have all these emotions and different feelings going on. It does get better, just take it one day at a time and you don't need to make any big decisions right this second.

A very good book that may help if you have not already read it is Codependent No more. It saved my life.

Take care

helpformyson

Hurtnconfused,
He is having a pity party. People who are wrong, or are hiding something, become beligerent and self-rightous. Do not listen to the words coming out of his mouth. Watch his actions. Does he do what he says he is going to do? The reason you want to believe him is called hope.

Having an addict in your life is like being on a perpetual roller coaster ride. It is harmful to the children and not fair to have it inflicted upon them. You and your kids deserve peace and harmony. If you are not ready to make a decision about divorce, tell him that. In the meantime, if he continues to use and makes no effort to quit, you will be able to make your decision with a clear conscience. You will know if he is not making an effort. Does he go to meetings, have a sponser, go to rehab? I knew my son was going to relapse when he stopped going to meetings, did not get another sponser and never finished his 12 steps.

Do you really want to live the rest of your life in turmoil, never trusting and being a detective? Good luck to you.

teke

hi, welcome to sr.

sorry you're going through all of this but i'm really glad you stumbled here. your story sounds almost exactly like mine when i first came here. it took me 21yrs to get to where you are. unless he chooses to help himself, his addiction will continue to progressively get worse but you are doing what you need to do to make life better for you, your kids and your decision may even help him by allowing him to suffer the consequences of his own actions.

try not to take what he's saying too personal. none of this is your fault and like it was said earlier, you don't have to make any hasty decision right now about divorce. he's gonna do and say whatever he has to, to get you to change your decisions.

check out the stickies at the top of the forum page, check out alanon or naranon f2f support groups for yourself and contiune to keep focus on you and your kids. when i first came here, i was a complete mental case, it does get better, i promise.

you and your family are in my prayers.

sofacat

Hello,

First let me say I am sorry you are here but I am so glad you found us!

What you just wrote is verbatim of the story between me and my AH. Seriously.

I have been living with him and his addiction to pain pills for 10 years now, and every time he "gets caught"...it is always MY PROBLEM, I am crazy, he is sober, I need help, he can't live like this.....yadda yadda yadda. I have even found pills before and his response was "What pills?" People in here refer to it as the ole "twistaroo" game. My H is famous for doing it with Me, and I taught Him years ago that it usually worked. I am a codependent, and he feeds on that. Not anymore.

I admit, as a codependent, I started to believe his mind games and started to think that maybe I am crazy, maybe I am being too hard on him. But now, I realize that his words no longer affect Me, his actions do. That is why he no longer resides here.

I finally asked him to separate from me back in December after his last relapse. I told him if he wanted to open up to me and be honest with himself and get help, I would stand by him in recovery....but I would no longer play a part in his using by enabling him. Wouldn't you know that he is maintaining that he is sober TO THIS DAY....and is still berating me?

Enough is enough. There is no need for any human to have to live in abusive situations like we have been. We don't deserve it and we have a voice.

I am sorry you find yourself struggling with your decisions....it is a hard thing to have to let them go. My H moved out yesterday....and he is leaving a storm of emotional badgering behind him.

But, as you realize now how nice it is for you and your kids to live in peace...you also realize you deserve better and you can have better.

You are not alone, he is an addict....and until he gets help for himself and walks a strong path of recovery...he will continue to treat you the way he has. They say the addiction is progressive, gets worse with each relapse....I have also noticed the bad behavior gets worse as well. It is scary. No need to live like that.

We are with you. Hang in there, you did the right thing.

greeteachday

Welcome! I'm sorry for the reasons you are here but very glad you have found some support. There's lots of experience, strength and hope here and lots of members who totally relate to where you are and the journey you have begun.

We call the things your husband is doing now "quacking" Saying things because the addiction is threatened just to keep the enabling dance going. You are so right that the person you love can no longer be seen as long as he is focused on his drugs. Your post shows you know what is the right course for you and your kids; hang here for the support to continue the path to healing. You did not cause his addiction and you are not able to control or cure it (You'll here that referred to as the 3 C's)

I found that attending in person Naranon meetings also helped tremendously as I focused on me and found some inner peace. If there are no Naranon meetings around, Alanon works too - it's not so much about the substance used by our loved ones as it is about our own recovery from the effects of addiction.

firekitty

I just bought this book and have began reading it. I stumbled across it and when I read the opening story, it was as if I had wrote it myself!

firekitty

Thank you all so much for replying to my post. It's really nice to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. It's like my right and wrong meter no longer works! I hear so much that I am crazy and I need help and although I know it's not true, I can't help but second guess myself. He has told me several times that if I get help first, it will help him. He wants to get marriage counseling but I tell him that his habit has to be kicked first. Otherwise, it would be a waste of our time and a counselor's time. I have kicked him out before and each time I start feeling guilty after a week or so and let him come back. This time just feels different. What brought this on besides the obvious is that he went to rehab back in November and as usual he came out feeling like he was ready this time and he jumped into meetings and everything the way he should. He did good for about 45 days and then he slipped up and took pain meds because his back was hurting him (the usual excuse, even though many doctors have told him nothing is wrong with his back). The guilt ate him alive and he came clean and told me. Of course, I freaked out but I calmed down and understood that clips happen. A week later I started seeing small atm withdrawals and when I asked him about them, he said he loaned some money to friends. yeah, right! Then I find a receipt showing that he was picking up a prescription at 2am while he was supposed to have been with a friend who was in the hospital. But of course, it was not for him, he got it for a homeless guy that he happened to run into and was taking the guy to the shelter. I don't even know where these stories come from. Then a few days later, I find a pill in his pocket. He swore he did not have anything and was tired of being accused. I had the pill in my pocket. I think even he believes his bs. A few days later I just had a feeling he had stuff and for the first time ever, I asked to see what was in his pockets and he freaked out and went into the bathroom and told me he would not be patted down and that I have anger issues. I told him to get out and so he gathered his things and left. He is going to a 12 step meeting and he does have a sponsor but he is not being honest with him or them. He called last weekend all excited about taking the 5-7 steps and that he felt good about himself. I asked if he had told his sponsor that he was still using here and there and he said no. So he spills his guts but not about what counts. He got mad that I got mad and he hung up....the usual. It's bad enough that all this is going on but I also think, what must his sponsor think of me? That my husband is doing so good and is about to pick up a 90 day chip and I up and kick him out? That disturbs me! It all disturbs me! I just can't understand it and am tired of even trying.

I have thought about going to al anon or nar anon but I will admit that I am very scared! I've blocked up my true feelings and emotions for so long that I don't know if I can walk in there and let the walls come down. I always feel like I should be able to handle this on my own but I know I can't. I feel like I am on a merry go round that just never stops! I don't know....I'm sorry to be rambling but I feel like I am losing my mind!

teke

no need to be sorry, post as much as you like or need to. we are here for you. remember you have nothing to feel guilty about, you are doing what you need to do to stay sane. none of this is a reflection on you or your choices. i'm sure his sponsor can recognize the bs, they more than likely have heard and seen it all before.

soooo, keep moving forward and know its best for all involved.

btw, i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs clean and it took for my family to do just what you are doing now, for me to be able to see for myself how destructive and out of control my life had become. they walked away allowing me to fall as low as i wanted to go, which caused me to be determined to do whatever ever it took to pull myself back up. today i remember that struggle and will do whatever i have to for myself so that i'll never find myself at that bottom place again. though i didn't understand at first, today i'm eternally grateful to my family for the choices they made.

now its time for you to breathe, you've probably done and said all you know how, now focus on you and let him do the same.

jerect

Welcome to SR..

I'm sorry you are having a tough time.. I have been there and I know that living and loving an addict is like walking through hell..

Our addicts have a way of making us look like the crazy one's.. Lord knows that I have felt like the crazy one for the past two and a half years.. If we are not careful we will allow ourselves to get sucked into the addicts problems and let their problems bring us down.. I know because I allowed myself to do this for two years, until one day I just got sick and tired of me and said enough.. My addict can choose to live like this but I can choose not to live like this.. it was a very defining moment for me.

Sometimes seperating from our addict is the best thing for us.. all the detective work, the lies, the fighting and the quacking from the addict gets pretty exhausting.. Use this time to work on your boundaries in your marriage.. you don't have to make any decisions yet, just know that for today you are doing the right thing for YOU.,

I'm to the point where I don't think that I can live with my addict any longer.. so I'm taking baby steps where I can perpare myself financially to leave.. in the meantime, I'm putting the focus on me.. my addict can sleep all day if he wants too, he can take as many drugs as he wants too and he can slowly sit there and commit suicide but I don't have to participate with him.. I somehow lost myself in his addiction but I'm beginning to find myself again and you can too..

I know you have mixed feelings about alanon/naranon but I highly reccomend that you at least try it a few times.. You dont have to say anything if you are not comfortable.. sometimes just sitting and listoning to what other people have to say helps me more then sharing.

sofacat

We really are going by the SAME PLAYBOOK!!!! It's eerie!

But that's what I love about SR, I reminds me that i am not unique, I am not special and I am definitely NOT alone.

BTW- My AH checked into rehab last September, got out in October and relapsed in December. All the same stories as yours too...getting "chips" at meetings HIGH, lying to everyone around him.

They say they you are only as sick as your secrets. Only his actions will dictate what he is up to....his words mean nothing.

Do not believe what he is saying to you....You are standing in the way of him using Pills and he is panicked and desperate, and everyone around him that feeds into this will have a role to play. You are a target, because you know he is using...and that makes him angry.

Just step aside and let him fall....all by his lonesome. Just pray that he makes it there and give him the dignity to do it by himself.

Just work on you, and it will get better, I promise. Other people around him may be buying his BS....but that's their journey to take, not yours. It took Me 10 years to get to this place and I can't fault anyone else for enabling him. I did it too. All in due time.

I am going to post a piece that I read on here when I first came. It helped me so much, and I hope it will help you too.

sofacat

Let Me Fall. (repost)


If you love me let me fall all by myself.
Don't try to spread a net out to catch me.
Don't throw a pillow to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it.
Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall
(allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ...
trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it.
The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix me, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ...
the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ...
resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ...
If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top.
In the beginning as I start to climb out ..
I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ...
Don't you see ??
Don't you know ??
You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ...
but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly,
but maybe even soar. ---Passion

Chino

A few years ago during a relapse, my now 22 year old daughter was doing the same thing to me that your husband has done with you, what they all do. I made the suggestion we find a mediator if she thought I was so crazy. Either her therapist or AA sponsor. She thought I was bluffing until I scheduled and showed up at her therapists office. It didn't go well for her but it did lead me to getting my own therapist, who specializes in addiction.

"What others think of me is none of my business" is something I read here, and the point has been hammered home with therapy and meetings. What matters most is my truth and living an authentic life, one day at a time.

firekitty

That is such a great idea! In all my "one step ahead" thoughts, I've never considered that. He would never want him, myself and his sponsor to sit and have a chat because everything would come out. What kills me with him is that he paints this nasty picture of me to people but the minute that person says something negative about me, he jumps all over them and tells them that it's not my fault, it's all his doing. So he takes responsibility to a point but just not enough. I know most of an addicts traits are the same but is it common for them to bash and then immediately defend a spouse/parent etc?

firekitty

I find myself in this place as well. Financially we can't do this right now but I am also at a breaking point knowing that I can't live with it anymore either. For a while I got to where I just went on and let him do his thing...I lived my life and he lived his but I hit a point where I just can't watch it for one more minute. I have lost myself in his addiction. I find myself getting mentally/physically sick when it is time for him to come home and dread the weekends. This is the second weekend he has been gone and when last Friday came I had almost a euphoric feeling knowing I did not have to deal with him. But then behind that comes the doom knowing that financially this can't go on for long.

jerect

You must remember this... Nothing an addict does makes sense.. Nothing...

Their disease fools them into thinking that they have everything under control, everyone fooled, nothing is their fault and that everyone around them is crazy... so like I said, an addicts thoughts and actions never ever make sense except maybe to the addict..

You must keep the focus on you... Do not worry about what other people think.. his addiction is not a reflection on you.. the addict might want you to think that at times because they love not taking the responsiblity for their actions and blaming everything on someone else.. Thats the disease lying to the addict again.. I'm sure that your husbands sponsor also knows the truth because a good sponsor can tell when someone is not working a program..

So seriously don't worry about what others think.. I used to be so embarrassed by my husbands addiction, so afraid that others would question my integrety or my judgement because my husband is a drug addict.. but then I realized that this was my husbands disease not mine.. My husbands choices are not my choices, his actions are not my actions... It was hard but I had to totaly detatch myself from his disease and all the crazy making that goes along with living with an addict.

Nowadays, I talk freely about my husbands addiction, not because I want people to pity me or to think bad about my husband but because I can't keep things like that a secret anymore.. Having all of that bottled up inside of me was slowly killing me.. Before I came out about my husbands addiction people around me could tell that something was wrong, now they know when they see a frown on my face and know a little more about my situation they can offer me a hug or support.. but most of the times these days I don't wear a frown on my face anymore because I'm not going to let his addiction rob me of my joy or peace of mind..

jerect

Thats why I'm trying to save as much money as I can even if it is 10.00 a week : ) paying down my debt and having a plan... it makes me feel better just knowing that I have a plan.. I'm doing everything that I can do and I'm leaving the rest up to my Higher Power.. somehow I know that everything will all work out..

greeteachday

Here's a few things I've found along the way that seem to be true no matter what the situation when we are working on our own recovery.

1. It's perfectly okay to go to an Alanon or Naranon meeting and not say a word...and still get so much out of it. A member of my group came for 3 years, and other than saying her first name when the meeting opened, she never shared during the meetingt. But she was an integral part of the group and I know she got lots out of it.

2. Even addicts don't really understand why they do what they do many time. When my daughter got clean, she often shared lateer that she just couldn't explain even to herself some of the things she did. It was like someone/something else took control of her brain and body.

3. If I over-analyze and project into the future too much, I will get discouraged and never pursue my goals and dreams. But by taking things one baby step at a time, I've walked a really, really long way and accomplished more than I could ever have imagined.

Impurrfect

((Firekitty)) - I'm an RA (recovering addict) as well as a recovering codie with loved ones who are addicts. Having been on both sides of addiction, I can tell you that they are both bad, but I do believe being the loved one is harder...for me, anyway.

You've gotten some great ES&H above (Experience, strength and hope). I just wanted to say that if you think having a meeting with him, his sponsor and you is going to bring about any change in HIM, that's more than likely an unrealistic expectation. When we A's (addicts) are active, we are not reasonable, logical or sane IMO. Trying to talk to us like we are and expecting us to respond in a like manner is an exercise in futility.

Just like Greet's daughter, I can't even explain why I did most of what I did when I was active, other than "it seemed like a good idea at the time". The only thing that had any impact on me was that my family stepped aside, let me fall on my face and figure out how to get back up.

I was a really, really good codie for many, many years. All it did was suck the life out of ME and he kept doing what he wanted to do. Thanks to the great people here, I finally learned not only is it OKAY for us to take care of us, it's the best thing we can do..for everyone involved.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

firekitty

Over-analyzing is one of my biggest faults. I worry so much about the future and have so many what if's rolling around in my head. I'm finally getting to the point that I take it week by week and then hopefully soon I can get it down to day by day. I'm just one of these people that needs everything paved out and he is one that lives moment to moment. Strange how opposites attract!