Daughter an addict, cps involved, I have her kids, help please!
 

Hi All,
I usually post over at the F&F/Alcoholics forum since my H is a newly recovering alcoholic. I'm pretty familiar with alcoholism but not so familiar with drug addiction. I'm really at a loss and would appreciate any and all words of wisdom.

My 28 yo daughter is a single mom of 2 girls (ages 8 and 9). She was married to an alcoholic, but he left the picture when the youngest was 6 mos. old, terminated his parental rights, neither he nor his mother (a major enabler with bipolar disorder) have seen the children since, no child support, nothing. She is also a licensed hairdresser and LPN. In any event, about 3 years ago, my daughter was arrested for being in a car with a guy who was high on crack and a crack pipe was in the car. Since she had never been in trouble before, they dismissed her case acod, so if she didn't get in trouble for 6 mos. it was dropped. She claimed she had "no idea". Ok, that could be possible. She never did make wise decisions in her life.

Two years ago, she was making french fries, and was badly burned in a fire, had 2nd degre burns on her chest and face. They gave her painkillers, vicodin. She has been taking them since. I know for a fact that she goes to numerous drs to get her scripts, always claiming she fell, hurt her foot, needs tooth surgery, etc. Nobody can be that clumsy, I swear she used to trip just to get her pills, but I have no proof on that. Last year she was arrested for driving with a suspended license. She was using her boyfriend's car (they have since broke up). In any event, she was on her way home from the hospital, she used MY name and on the paperwork it said she needs to stop using benzos and cocaine. Her boyfriend showed me the paperwork. After I confronted her, she said she had a problem w/Xanax and doesn't know where they got the "cocaine" from. She forgot to get her kids off the school bus cause she was high on Xanax the next day. Finally, I gave her an ultimatum, get help or I take her kids. She went to a holding facility for 2 weeks, I had her kids, she came out, went to outpatient, and seemed to be ok for about 2 mons. I soon learned after that from her kids and others that she would get high on Xanax and take the kids out at all hours of the night to train stations begging for money. My little grandkids told me this. I confronted her, she denied, her landlady called cps, she was investigated and it was dropped.

The first day of school this year, she again was high on Xanax, never got her kids off the bus. The school called me, I left my job early to get them, and then kept them with me. Thank God my granddaughter talked to the school and told them how her mom gets "out of it" and the school called cps. I have had her kids since, not "legally", but temporarily cause cps is investigating and has a family court action pending against her for neglect.

My daughter got her kids back briefly in December/January and they lived with a family friend (I forgot to mention she has been unemployed for 3 years, and is homeless now cause she never pays rent where she is, yet she collects unemployment, but manages to always get evicted). Within 3 weeks, she was back taking her Xanax and had an argument w/the friend, police were involved, police called me to get my grandkids, cps still had supervision over the case, so they placed them back with me, at which time I was still leaving work early to get them from school, etc. My husband is a newly recovering alcoholic who is on house arrest for multiple dwi's, but can go to meetings and intensive outpatient. CPS does not want him to watch them, which is understandable and I have abided by that.

My daughter was in a halfway house in a seedy area of town, but managed to get herself kicked out of there for "seeing her own pastor" as she puts it (I highly doubt it). So she calls me and wants to stay w/me. I said absolutely not. She calls her kids 5 mins a day, sees them for an hour on weekends, other times when I talk to her she seems totally out of it, yet claims she is not an addict. According to her, her outpatient counselor said she is not an addict and shouldn't even be in treatment, and when she went to detox she lied to the counselors there. She told me that since I said no about her staying with me, her counselor said she and her girls need to sever ties with me and during the past week she has managed to contact her x husband and his mother on facebook and her and her counselor think it's a good idea for them to be part of her children's lives again.

She has a family court date on Monday, she claims the cps woman said nobody will ever give me the kids, not cps, not family court, etc. These kids are not safe with her. She has no regard for their feelings ... she wants revenge and a meal ticket, that is it. My MIL tells me let the kids go and let God, I don't know if I have the fight in me. My daughter said she would destroy my sons, call their jobs, lie about my husband, anything she needs to do if I do this. I don't think cps knows all this, they do not know that she prob is a crack addict too (since my sons were finding hollowed out pens in my bathroom when she would be around). She is still using, and being a nurse, she knows what won't show up on a drug screen. Also, this will affect her nursing license.

There's probably so much more I can say, I've left things out probably, but I really need some kind of help on this one. Anything anyone can offer is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I wouldn't worry too much. I know many cases like this where the grandparents get temp. custody as long as the children are flourishing in the home. She isn't doing anything to get better and when you go to court suggest that she take a drug test and they will do that. Keep in contact with CPS worker, that is going to be your new best friend. Anytime she calls you or you know she is doing something she isn't supposed to you call CPS and tell them. They record that and it doesn't look so great in court. If they know the background situation of the children not knowing their father and their mother reaching out to her out of the blue....they will put two and two together. Trust me, work closely with the CPS worker!!!

queen,

I do not have experience with all that you are dealing with, I'm sure others with more experience will be along to post.

I just wanted to welcome you to this forum and let you know you were 'heard'.

Hello, i have legal guardianship of my gd's due to their mom's crack addiction. If she is doing crack, read up all you can about this drug. The manipulation and lies go on and on. I would do what ever I could to keep the gc away from her. This site has helped through so much. Welcome and Hugs.

How blessed these children are to have a grandmother like you.

Honestly, this sounds like a shake down.
For $X, she might even agree to your guardianship.
Can you swing it?

I don't know your state laws. In most cases signing over physical parental rights does not relieve the parent of their financial obligation unless the other parent agrees. Have you seen a court order to this effect?

Queenteree,

I am so sorry for all you are going through! As for her getting her kids back, I think she is quacking- I don't think her words can be trusted at this time. Will the judge know about her getting kicked out of the halfway house? Based on her behavior, I can't imagine that the judge would place them with her again. I will say prayers for you, your husband , your grandkids, and your daughter.

Hugs,

hi, i agree with the others, i don't think you have too much to worry about. with her behavior history, i don't see how what she says can carry that much weight. in my exp, addicts have also been known to try and bully others to get what they want. you and your family are in my prayers.

Bless you for watching over those grandbabies! They are very lucky to have a stable and loving "mother-figure" to guide them and protect them!

Document Document Document!!
You AD is acting like a quacking pine tree! Nothing she is saying is believable, no counselor would ever suggest that she "isn't an addict" and "doesnt need treatment"! I wouldn't worry too much about what she is saying...

Keep close contact with the CPS worker... Demand that she be given drug tests, if you are concerned that since she is an LPN she would "know" what does or doesn't show up on a screening, demand a hair follicle test be done.

Stay strong...YOU are those girls' only hope!

it's amazing, isn't it, how their words can get our heads spinning. their words are misaligned with their actions, and it's clear but still we second guess, and are confused. she is most certainly lying to you about many things - counselors worth anything would never say what she claims.

i am sorry for this situation.

you are in the great position of your grandchildren not protecting her. this is almost unbelieveable, just cuz it's not the norm. be thankful they are smart and honest.

can you try this angle?
when my then-addict sister's child was in my care, i went through the county foster care program. there is a special one for "relative foster care" so i didn't have to jump through many hoops, it was just licensed for this one child, and i got financial compensation which of course was helpful. my sister then had no say in any of the parenting of her daughter. i had total control.

i agree to work closely with the worker assigned to this case. probably a face to face meeting with him/her is a good idea at this point.

Dear Queen: Unfortunately I have been in a very similar circumstance with my D. Her child was placed in protective custody through CPS with me. I don't know about your state, but our really push for "reunification" with the parent. They generally have a 6 month tolerance for the parent to get their act together and if they don't the child becomes a ward of the state and placed for adoption. I begged and pleaded with the judge and CPS to extend the 6 months and before I knew it, we were going on two years. The day of the reunification hearing, my D tested positive for cocaine. She was shocked when I said to the judge, take my grandchild and place him for adoption. I am finished. I made a plea and recommendation that the child go live with his great grandparent and my D kept doing the same stuff! When she finally appeared to be getting her life together, became engaged, pregnant, he died of an overdose. It took 3 years before she got her act together and was reunited with her child and is now happily married with two children. You could request (behind your D's back) that they surprise drug test her on the spot in the courtroom. I don't know about the hollowed out pens being used for crack. She may be snorting benzos with it. Be very very very careful because your D sons spiteful. She could (and this did happen to me also) make up an incredible story about you to CPS and poof - the kids will be gone! If your D has a crack an active crack addition, tell CPS this. Does your D see a psychiatrist or psychologist? One can write a prescription, the other can not.

Bottom line is you will have to eventually ask yourself if you are prepared to raise your grandchildren to adulthood? Is your spouse prepared to as well? It sounds okay in theory, but the reality is that it seems highly probable that the children may be placed with you permanently and the case will be closed. Discuss it with your spouse and maybe a third party mediator.