serenity lost
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 3
serenity lost
I haven't been talking to my husband since I kicked him out last week. Yesterday , he called and wanted to spend some time with his son, so I allowed him to pick Ty up at school, He kept him for one hour then brought him back.
He called later last night and said he wanted to be a good father, and wanted to see our son as often as possible....So this morning tyler asked if dad could drive him to school. I called, and he didn't answer or call us back. His car was at the bar we pass on the way to school. He didn't call us all day.
While I was at work today, my daughter texted me asking if I had spoken to my husband, I told her that I hadn't and she told me that he had promised to take her to pick up her prom gown today.
I have been so mad today. But I know it was my fault. I should have known better. I just want him to be a good father. I only ask that he be sober when he's with the children. Is it better to not let him see them at all? He's just so unpredictable and unreliable. I want to do the right things. Just unsure. I want my childrens lives to be peaceful. Any suggestions? He has made me crazy today. So, I will be back to NO contact. I do much better that way.
I feel a little better already. Sometimes it helps just to vent a bit....Thank you all for your wisdom....
He called later last night and said he wanted to be a good father, and wanted to see our son as often as possible....So this morning tyler asked if dad could drive him to school. I called, and he didn't answer or call us back. His car was at the bar we pass on the way to school. He didn't call us all day.
While I was at work today, my daughter texted me asking if I had spoken to my husband, I told her that I hadn't and she told me that he had promised to take her to pick up her prom gown today.
I have been so mad today. But I know it was my fault. I should have known better. I just want him to be a good father. I only ask that he be sober when he's with the children. Is it better to not let him see them at all? He's just so unpredictable and unreliable. I want to do the right things. Just unsure. I want my childrens lives to be peaceful. Any suggestions? He has made me crazy today. So, I will be back to NO contact. I do much better that way.
I feel a little better already. Sometimes it helps just to vent a bit....Thank you all for your wisdom....
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((WVgal)) - I'm sorry, sweetie. It sounds like no contact may be what you need. We often recommend you go by the A's actions, as their words don't mean much and I would definitely go by HIS actions - he says he wants to be a good father, yet his actions are showing you quite the opposite.
I'm glad you came here to vent...I know it always helps ME when I do that. Keep reading and posting...you're certainly not alone! I'm glad the kids have you!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm glad you came here to vent...I know it always helps ME when I do that. Keep reading and posting...you're certainly not alone! I'm glad the kids have you!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
My Parents seperated when I was 11, divorced a few years later. My Dad was an alcoholic and I can remember so many times that he made promises to us kids and didn't follow through. My Brother, Sister and I would be waiting for him to come pick us up to go get a pizza, shopping, a movie or just hang out with him at his house and he wouldn't show up. No phone call, nothing. Then maybe the next day he'd call and give us some lame excuse as to why he didn't show up or call. We knew he wasn't sick and fell asleep and slept until the next day. We knew he didn't have a flat tire and his phone didn't work and then all of a sudden the phone company had came out and fixed it. The excuses were endless. I left my Son's Father when Brandon was about 4 years old. All though he wasn't an alcoholic, he'd basically pull the same thing with Brandon. I can still see him sitting in the bay window with his little backpack and his latest favorite toy, just waiting for his Dad to show up. I finally decided not to tell Brandon that his Dad said he was coming to pick him up. That way, if his Dad didn't show up, Brandon was none the wiser, he wouldn't cry himself to sleep. Is this something you could do with your son? I'm not sure how old he is but from what you said, your daughter is older, probably in high school.
I'm a recovering addict and alcoholic and when my Son was about 12, he went to live with his Dad for several reasons. I got Brandon nearly every weekend, on most Holidays and most of the summer. I was never going to do to my Son what his Dad had done to him and what my Dad did to me. But, I drank around him. I used pills around him. I imagine this caused him more pain than if I wouldn't have showed up. He witnessed way too much. After I'd been Clean & Sober for a few years, we had several long talks and he'd tell me, in detail, about all the times that he knew the pills I was taking weren't Antibiotics or Tylenol. He knew that when I went into the kitchen and he'd hear me put ice in my glass, then the cupboard door opened, then close, then the refrigerator door would open and then close. Only then would I come out into the living room with the glass and a can of pop. He knew that the reason I opened the cupboard was because I "hid" my bottle of rum in there. I think back of all the times I got drunk or high on pills or cocaine, thinking that he had no idea what I was doing. He's forgiven me, but he will never forget all the lies, the times I embarressed him around his friends and just let him down.
Forgive me for all of this rambling. If I were you, I wouldn't contact him and when he calls and says he wants to see the kids, if you can, don't tell them about the call or that Dad's going to pick them up on Friday night. I can still remember the hurt and disappointment when my Dad never showed up. But I would make it very clear that if he came to get them and you could tell he was drinking that the kids weren't going anywhere with him. And let the kids know that if their Dad does take them somewhere and starts drinking that they are to call you right away so you can go get them.
I don't know if the two of you are definately divorcing or not, but I also would suggest going to Alanon. Even if you do divorce, since you have kids together, you'll have to have some sort of relationship with him for several years. I'm sure you'll meet many women there who are/where in the same position as you. Sometimes even just knowing that you aren't the only person in the world who is going through a situation is comforting. I'm sorry I don't have any magical answers for you. I know it's difficult dealing with an alcoholic. I'm not defending your husband, but I imagine he does love his kids alot, it's just when the monster called addiction starts yelling in an alcoholic's head, that's all they can think of, drinking. That's why this disease is referred to many times as cunning, baffling and powerful.
God Bless,
Judy
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 3
thank you for your prayers impurrfect and teke. My little man is 5. And I already don't tell him when his dad is SUPPOSED to visit with him. I hate seeing the disappointment on his little face when he phones his dad and he doesn't answer of call him back. I know I need to get over the little stuff and accept a little reality. Their world can't be perfect. And yes, I've have been attending alanon again. My life saver on some days. I know my husband loves us all very much. The good is great, but the bad days are TERRIBLE. He knows why he isn't with us. It's all about the kids....I will do whatever is best for them....Any parenting advice for divorced women dealing with an addict would be greatly appreciated.....Anymore tips????
Thank you all so much
Thank you all so much
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by wvgal 
I just want him to be a good father. I only ask that he be sober when he's with the children.
Children almost always feel unworthy of love and blame themselves in situations, like this. This is the sort of stuff that often creates long term self esteem issues and all the problems that follow.
Right now, he's not thinking about the damage he is doing. Right now, he's not thinking. You know the right thing to do by these children.
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