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And Then The Rain Came

Old 02-16-2010, 01:39 PM
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Do you get enough sunlight? My therapist says to get 15 minutes direct sun outside daily. I don't think you are supposed to wear sunglasses because the sun has to get in your eyes. I don't think it being Valentine's day helped me any.
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Old 02-16-2010, 02:16 PM
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((((Sofa!))))

The same thing happened to me a few weeks ago....It was so bad I had to call my sister at work - something I would never do unless it was an emergency. I was just overcome with grief and had this strange feeling that nothing would ever be good again. She suggested I go outside for a walk which really helped me to change my focus. She has also suggested I find an Alanon group.....

If you are getting the flu, don't forget.......physical, emotional, spiritual.....When one of them is out of whack, we become off-balance and the other two soon follow.

I love what Spiritual said about our own emotional detox....I never thought about it that way...

Take care of yourself....Hope you are feeling better today!

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Old 02-16-2010, 07:23 PM
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work in progress
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Thanks guys so much for all your input and shared feelings. I feel much better mentally today.

What I realized was that I was bottling my feelings up...trying to make them go away all by myself. That's an old pattern that I am trying to break.

Over the past week, I have found myself reading posts an here and not feeling connected....kind of numb really. First Red Flag!!! It's not that I didn't care...not saying that at all.......just wasn't feeling ANYTHING. It was weird.

Then the dark cloud came over me and I was sunk. I would want to reach out, but then I backed off. Not good. I will learn to not do that anymore, it led to a meltdown and I know I can't do this alone.

You all here have and are such a saving grace to me and I can't thank you all enough for allowing me a place that I can come and just be myself. I don't have to pretend that I am NOT feeling bad when I am...don't have to "have it all together"....and I am comforted in knowing that you all are coming from a place of understanding that I never knew existed in my past....

Sure as made my "present" a much better place to be.


Chapter 2:

So there was a trigger, for sure. And I think I have a pretty good idea what happened.
Ready?

There is a man that comes to my salon to see one of my stylists for his cut. (I own a hair salon, and NO I don't know Tabitha ) He is very nice, and I have known him for a couple of years. We never really talk at all when he comes in, but my staff just adores him and he "seems" like a nice enough guy. Not really my type...but nice and friendly.

Anyway he moved away for about 8 months or so. While he was gone, he left the sweetest review of my salon online. I read this and was really moved by how thoughtful it was. (Stay with me here...I think I'm onto something and need to be "checked" on it.)

One day out of the blue....he came back. Just a month ago. A month.
(17 days after Mr. Sofa left).....anywhooo.....

I greeted him with a big smile and a welcome back. I think it was the first conversation I have ever had with Him. He seemed pleasantly surprised by this. But, I remembered how nice he has been to my staff...and thought a warm welcome was in order. But, he looked at me with a sort of like ..."Wow, why didn't I ever notice her before?" kind of look....you know the look.

So what happened next? I caught him staring at me through my mirror. The mirrors all connect visually and I can see everything that goes on in the salon. (Owner....need to)

So what do I do.....I went into flattered mode. It's been years since I actually noticed someone looking at me "in that way"....ya know? It was nice. made me feel like a woman again. So what do I do? Well...I'm a codependent....I start thinking about him "in that way". Yep. He's been burning a hole in my brain for the last month.

So, I check the books to see when he would be back in again. Last Friday he came in.
And I got all dolled up for the event. So he came in....just like he normally would, hung out for a few minutes after his appointment and said "I really like your hair like that" "Um, thank you." (I have grown it out long) And that was it. He left. That was it! That's what I got all excited over and made a big fuss over. And just like that! It was over. He made another appointment for 5 weeks from now.

That's when the rain came.

I know NOTHING about this man...NOTHING really. But here I am acting like a blasted idiot over the first man that shows ANY sort of interest in me. I must be starving for some sort of affection. Needy*needy*needy. Obsessive really.

I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Yes, I get sunlight ( I live in Florida for God's sake.) and I go outside ALL the time. I am eating right, sleeping well...and for the most part, pretty active. Until I started to really look at things.

I realized I slipped. Sent myself into a tailspin over a guy I know nothing about. So, here I am. Telling you all this most embarrassing thing.

I am latching onto the first thing that seems promising. (Or so it seems) It's like I want to buy the car before i test drive it. Impulsive, compulsive, and reckless...and it sent me into an emotional frenzy.

It's like the quiet in my life these days at times is uncomfortable..so I went and found a person I could be bonkers over. Mr. Sofa has not called....I am lonely....therefore I am vulnerable.

Of course the guilt over this had made me start thinking of Mr. Sofa and how much I miss him, like him and want him...I think. Codependency has reared it's ugly head.

If you have read all of Chapter 2, and maybe can relate to it...then it was worth every minute of the babble.

I will check myself often, I will reach out even when I think "I can handle this" and I will not fall over the first person I feel an attraction to. It's just not healthy.

Here's to a happier Chapter 3.

Oh, and PS~ I definitely have the flu. Sore throat, cough, fever, aches...bleh*
So my mind and body are definitely trying to tell me something.

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Old 02-16-2010, 08:24 PM
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(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

Keep it up, gf. Your such an inspiration to me. Just reading your post made me feel better.
I've been in the funk too but I'm trying to get out of it. Just one day at a time.

Hugs,
Teggie
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Old 02-16-2010, 08:55 PM
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"Not really my type"

If you're anything like me. Maybe THAT's a good start!
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Old 02-17-2010, 04:23 PM
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I smiled during your story. I fall really hard and quickly, too. I guess my self- esteem is too low, or I'm trying to make up for having an absentee father, or something. My feelings can also be kind of compulsive in that regard. Maybe your mind went to him because it needed to get a break from worrying about Mr. Sofa. Maybe it was a psychological need to soften the blow a bit? I've been reading a lot about grief. I think it is perfectly normal to have good and bad days. It is also normal to get kind of numb, and then have the feelings come rushing back. Anyway, I can follow what you are saying. I would guess that you are much more desirable than you realize and that lots of men are probably giving you looks! You may have just not noticed it before. Maybe you were too busy worrying about Mr. Sofa & just didn't notice?
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