What should I do, what should I do?
 

I keep asking myself, what should I do.

I think I know the answer, but it doesn't sit well in my mind or heart.

My son is in jail in the Florida Keys (6 hour drive from me round trip). He violated his probation because he could not get into a rehab program for which he was ordered to go in (no beds available). He had his probation venue changed to West Palm Beach and his probation officer told him she would help him get into a program, THEN he could worry about doing community service and serving the rest of his probation. She said it in front of me. When he went into detox, he was promised the first bed that was available in the rehab program. 2 1/2 months went by and still no bed. I even verified it with the program director.

He went to see his probation officer in January and she had him arrested right then and there. I also spoke with her to verify the story. Because his original crime was in the Florida Keys, he was extradited down there. He called me from jail terrified because he does not have a cent to his name, no identification and no way to get back to West Palm Beach. He was actually crying and told me that he has finally reached his bottom and knows he needs to be in rehab. There is not a lot going on in the Keys as far as rehab and there are more up in West Palm Beach.

The question is....do I go down there and pick him up and bring him to a rehab center, or should he hitch hike back to West Palm (3 hour ride)? If he gets picked up again for hitch hiking and has no ID, he will go back into jail. He really needs rehab, not jail.

Any suggestions?

What I found to be the best thing for myself....and my son....was to let him 'face the music' he had created on his own. That 'music' was full of the sour notes created by his choices and our attempts to help him out of that life.

I believe that my 'helping' him prolonged and promoted his drug abuse because I made things easier and softer for him and interfered with the natural order of cause & effect. Not that any of if was my fault...he was the one buying and using the drugs....but by bailing him out, giving him money and a soft place to land financially- he could easily continue on his way doing the same things over and over. That's exactly what I wanted for my son but in truth, he ended up needing to be in jail in order to get clean and decide to stay that way once released. He needed to fall farther than I would have wanted but I believe that in his case it saved his life.



After many stops and starts, when our family decided to do just that; our son was left to his own resources and got himself into a good program....in jail...for a year voluntarily with conditions and benefits if he stayed the course.



There are rehab facilities in the Keys and they're all listed in the phone book; I'm sure he can find something if he wants it badly enough.

so, it is an option to have you pick him up in order to bring him to rehab in west palm?

i spose some would disagree, but everyone's "bottom" is a little different. i know it is an emotional bottom that they reach when they start to climb out.

if you have been hands off for awhile - no enabling - and if you are going straight to rehab (and it's his choice) then i say, for sure you go get him.

i think that we are loving when we allow them to both have their consequences, and also when we are supporting their true, honest efforts to get clean.

I would probably cave and take him. Though, I live in New York and we have buses, trains and taxis that do that. Might you have the same in your area?

The bus takes 2 days and overnights in Tampa on the West Coast and it costs about $300. Airfare would be about $500 and there are no trains in the Keys. It would cost me about $60 for gas and tolls to drive down and back. He has absolutely no money, so hitch hiking would be his only choice and I worry about that.

If I recall, he has been in jail 3X.

If he is not given every opportunity to realize the consequences of his behaviors, how will he ever learn to cope with life on life's terms?

When someone is willing to actually seek help and surrender, I don't see anything wrong in offering them a hand with that.

It's not like you are giving him money or anything, you just give him a ride to a place where he will hopefully get the help he needs. And he is going there voluntarily.

um...i did not know he has done rehab before. 3 times? hmmm. perhaps i revise my answer.

They don't play in Florida. No joke. It's the real deal. People think the Bronx, Brooklyn, Jersey, Detroit are tough. Real deal in Florida. No comparison. The Keys and Tampa (ports) aren't for the faint of heart. If it were me, I'd drive to get him, take him to a rehab anywhere. PAR, anything. I don't mean this in a negative way, but the probation officers do have a tendency to "forget" what they said, not document things, etc. I know they are doing their job, but I witness the desire to violate too many times. Yes, get him.

The Tri-Rail train runs from Miami to WPB every day; if he could get as far as Miami somehow- all he would need is the fare for the trainride north.

Perhaps he will have to have his probation switched back to where he is---I keep wondering what will happen next if you go get him and there is still no space for him in WPB.

It helped me so much to remember and keep telling myself that this his problem to solve, after being in several rehabs and halfway house programs he's been given the tools and knows the ropes.

One of the phrases that I learned in recovery was to say:
"I know you will figure out what you need to do." I would grit my teeth each time and soon enough those words flowed out and expressed something wayyy more positive than the things I used to say (and do) when he was in trouble.

As I shared before, it may sound harsh- but having to work out his own problems for himself was the best thing that ever happened to my son. He will celebrate 4 years clean and smokefree too this May.

I've also known of many people who have been picked up from halfway house staff from the jail and have the person remanded into their custody--there are plenty of others who he can contact from the jail and/or in meetings who will know what other options there are.

I'd say be careful if you do any kind of rescuing and do as little as possible to help him. He got himself where he was because of his actions. This is a lesson he needs to learn.

Maybe sit down and really think about what is the best thing, is getting him the best thing because it would put you at ease, or because it is what he needs?

i think i agree with you doing whats best for you and for you, having no expectattions concerning what his final decision might be. addicts will do and say whatever they need to to get what they want. i've promised rehab, that i'm ready for help many times and went in many times but the key was whether or not i was willing to follow through and do what it took for me to stay clean, after rehab.

personally when my family helped me like that, i went in rehab with reservartions but when i had to really struggle to get myself clean the best way i could, i found myself more determined to use the tools offered and to do whatever i needed to do stay clean.

for me, the harder my fall and to then pick myself up, the more determined i was to not allow myself to fall again. i'm now a few yrs clean and grateful to my family for allowing me to fall as low as i chose to because now i really know that i don't ever want to go to that place agan.

My son has been through detox 4 times and the complete rehab once before. He has been in jail 4 times...all drug related.

This is the longest he has been in jail, because of the advice of his attorney, I bailed him out the three previous times. NOT THIS TIME.

The last time he was in rehab, he did not follow through and by his own admittance, he did not work the program. He is now saying things that I have never heard him say in the past 6 years. He has FINALLY admitted that he has lost control of his life and is powerless over the drugs, that his life has been filled with bad decisions and lastly, that if he does not stop, he will die. He misses the family (who will have no contact while he is using), he wants to return back to college and make something of himself.

I will not bail him out and he needs to take responsibility for his choices. I told him that if this is the only time that he is clean in his life, I hope the judge keeps him locked up for a long time. He has always skated on his other drug crimes and was adjucated in the past. He will be going back in front of the judge this week and will probably get his adjucation revoked and be deemed a felon. He will not be able to get back into a college if he is a felon.

My concern is that Miami can be a really rough place. If he gets picked up hitch hiking, he will go back to jail as he has no ID on him. He does not have any money and may pan handle which may also get him picked up. Either way he will go back to jail for either of these things.

I told him I would not pick him up unless it was to take him straight into rehab. (He told me he wanted to go back into rehab before I mentioned giving him a ride).

I know addicts lie and my son has told me so many lies that I stopped listening to pretty much anything that comes out of his mouth. There is something different in what he is saying this time. I can't put my finger on it, but it feels different and real. Call it a gut feeling that he has really reached his bottom and is now admitting it.

I wrote him a long letter while he has been in jail. He said it took him 4 days to read it because he kept crying and jail is not the place to be crying. He said it really hit home and he realized that I would no longer enable him or help him, that he was completely on his own. He has lost all the good friends who do not want to be around him and he realizes that the other addicts will enable him to kill himself. He has no one and he is lost. I believe he is ready and I think he really means it this time.

Helpformyson,

In the end, you will do what you feel is right for you to do. We can only offer our experiences, support and prayers for the road ahead.

I am the mother of a son who is a drug addict. He appears to be clean today, I pray for him, but am not 100% able to believe or trust him. I still love him, sometimes more than I love myself, and struggle with wanting to do what ever I can to take care of him. But in the end I can only take care of me.

I struggle with wanting to explain his life, his story, his past and present to make myself and others realize why his life, his story, his past and present is different than the other addicts, why he is having a harder time, why what he is going through is different. In the end it isn't, yes, he is my son and I love him, but yes, he is an addict and will lie, cheat, steal to get his next pill.

Consult with your HP, make your decision and go with it. Don't beat yourself up for whatever decision you make, hold your head up high and do the best you can to live your life the way you believe your HP wants you to. You are accepted here no matter what decision you make today, tomorrow you may make a different decision and that is okay too.

Good luck and I'll say a pray for your son and you.

You know your son better than anyone or most anyway. If your gut feeling is telling you something, well do what you feel you need to do.


Yea you never know what the changing point in our brain can be.
One day I was thrown in the back of a police car and that was enough
for me to quit.


I always think if 'this or that' happened would I be okay with my actions,
when I'm trying to make a tough decision. Sometimes that helps.

Big hugs to you, this must be really hard.

:ring

I'm going to give you the perspective of a recovering alcoholic/addict, though I was also married to one (now deceased) and also have an adult alcoholic/addict daughter.

Your son has been through rehab. He made the conscious choice not to follow through. Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it, especially when we addicts are neck-deep in our own self-created pile of steaming dung?!

I went through a 30 day inpatient rehab, and there I was given many excellent tools to help me remain clean/sober out in the real world.

I made the choice after 4 years in recovery to pick up again, using cocaine and drinking.

There wasn't a single person out there to rescue me. There was no rehab again. That wans't even an option. I already had the tools. I chose to throw them away.

When I got sick and tired of being sick and tired, I literally drug myself up the two flights of stairs to my home 12 step group and started over again.

To this day, I still have consequences of my addiction/alcoholism, and I went through rehab in 1986.

I am just now finishing my college degrees because I made the choice to walk away from college and a scholarship at age 18 because it interfered with my lifestyle.

I ended up a single mother of two daughters, and so much of my life in recovery has been taking what jobs I could get to support us.

Now both daughters are grown and I'm finally in college full-time. I will be 52 years old when I graduate.

Thank God no one bailed me out, rescued me, cushioned my fall when I used/drank again because I had to hit a second bottom in order to want recovery again badly enough.

You can only be responsible for yourself and your actions. So you have to do what you can live with and own the consequences of your decisions.

Same as him.

However, just because an addict in jail SAYS a lot of things we want to here and makes a lot of promises DOESN'T mean that they are ready for recovery. Talk is cheap when you are sitting in a jail cell with no money and no ride home. If he wants to quit using drugs and living the gansta lifestyle, he's going to do it despite you and jail and all the hardships that the world can throw at him.

Whatever you choose to do, it's your choice. Just like "to use or not to use" is his choice. Whatever you choose to do, it's not going to change him or help him see the life.

If he wants recovery, he will find it no matter where he is.

As mentioned things vary from state to state. But this should be his probation officers headache, not yours. Can you get in touch with them and ask them?

Littlebird,

I am quite sure that his probation officer would not give a rats a$$, how he gets back up to WPB, just that he gets back. The state is not going to pay to transport him back to where he wants to go. Normally what they do is leave a prisoner where they were picked up, until there are enough to transport them to the county/state where they were charged. But bringing him back home would be akin to a private limo ride home at the tax payer's expense. But thanks for your suggestion.