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Abf is in jail...

Old 02-15-2010, 02:14 PM
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Abf is in jail...

My abf is in jail for forging his parents checks. He has been gone for about a week now and I am trying so hard to fight myself but I keep feeling one minute set in stone that I must let go of this relationship and the next minute I am mustering reasons to justify everything and that 'if he gets clean, we can stay together'. Wtf? I hate this emotional roller-coaster right now.

I feel so alone right now in all of this. I stay with my mother and my two kids and I am trying to focus on me but it is so hard to detach from this. I am crying all of the time and just a mess. I try to talk to my mother and since she hates him at this point she just tells me 'you shouldn't feel that way' or says something to which I feel even worse for feeling any sort of emotion for this man.

His addiction had definitely progressed in the weeks prior to him going to jail. At this point, I started having panic attacks again (the last time that I ever had panic attacks was the first time that I found out he was using...) and my anxiety has been really bad. Perhaps it hadn't progressed it was just in my face more because his mother was choosing to no longer help cover it up. I just saw a complete shell of the man I love and to be honest, him going away was probably the best thing to have happened to either of us.

I don't know, I am calling to try and get back into therapy now that I have my insurance but my mother gives me a hard time because she has to drive me around everywhere (I don't have a car, our transmission went no doubt from the thousands of miles a week my abf was putting on doing his daily runs). I feel bad that I am dependent on her and that I have allowed my life to get to this point.

I am scared because I don't have much support right now because the only person that I have to talk to right now is my mother and again, she seems to be sick of me being upset I guess...and I am scared that if it is this hard to pull away and he is in jail...how am I going to cope with everything if and when he gets bailed which is any day now. His grandmother called me and told that she was going to try and bail him out tomorrow.

I love my abf so much but as he is now, being with him is not an option for me and my children. I just don't know how to get through this. There are no meetings near me and even if there were, I don't think that my mother would be happy to watch the kids or even drive me to go.

Perhaps seeing his actions once out will help solidify things more. I keep trying to tell myself...just take it one day at a time but when you have so much time on your hands stuck at the house 24/7, it is hard to keep yourself occupied. I've been spending time with my kids,cleaning, watching tv, surfing the web, working out, and reading the rest of Codependent No More but still there is the lingering anxiety and sadness and I am just at a loss.

As usual thank you for listening to me vent...It feels good to know that I have at least one place where people understand to some degree what I am dealing with....
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Old 02-15-2010, 03:14 PM
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yeah, we understand. i hear you that you cannot attend alanon, so keep using s/r!!right now i'm wondering if you could keep the communication with your mother to things not related to abf. don't try and get sympathy, don't try and make her understand, just try your best to remain grateful to her (and let her know) for the help she is giving. she just either truly doesn't get it (maybe never been with one?) and she is afraid for you.

many people would advise both him and you, to give him the space to get clean and sober before you resume your relationship (and not just weeks). this sounds like a good plan....you can gague his progress and make some of your own.
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Old 02-15-2010, 05:45 PM
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I try to let my mother know how grateful I am constantly. With the money I do have, I try to buy the majority of the groceries and I do all of the cleaning and I constantly thank her. She is a tremendous help for me by allowing us to live here and she said that she would help me get a car eventually. I know she understands that I am in a slump is trying her best to help me but talk to anyone of my family members or her ex-husband (they are very good friends still) and they will all tell you my mother is a very difficult woman to live with..lol. Again, she means well but many times can come off very insensitive and this doesn't have to have anything to do with my abf. I am also trying my best not to talk to her about since it does end up with me feeling worse which, is something that I definitely do not need.

I also understand what you are saying about giving things time with him. I am in no way saying that I want to jump back into things with my abf because I saw first hand how bad his addiction was getting (or was) and it scared me for my childrens welfare and my own as well as his. I can't say that I do not worry about what will happen to him if he does get released, but I am trying my best in this sense to leave it up to my HP.

It's just so incredibly hard...right now I am doing a bit better but that's the thing in an hour I may be a hysterical mess. It just seems I am having more bad days than good but I am trying hard to rise above this and get myself to a better place...

Thank you coffeedrinker for your support and kind words as they mean a lot...SR has definitely been a tremendous source of insight and support for me that past two months
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Old 02-16-2010, 08:27 AM
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My take is that you are not employed, have no transportation and have too much idle time on your hands, right now. Sounds like your mom is what is between you and a homeless shelter. Do I have this right?

Does it make any sense to refocus your time and energy on what you can do to financially sustain yourself and children, going forward? Is your daughter's father alive? Does he pay child support? Can you get a court order for the ABF to pay child support for his child?

Do you have job skills? Are you open to learning new skills? Have you looked into Pell and other grants and online learning?

Once we take responsibility for ourselves, it becomes easier to not settle for someone else's crumbs.
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Old 02-16-2010, 01:09 PM
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Of course it makes sense to get financially back on track, the question is how. I do go to college and recently graduated with 2 Associates Degrees and did very well in school. In the fall I will be starting a new BA program for teacher's (night and weekend program). I would like to get a job but my mother is playing the 'control' card right now and refusing even to let me use her car to get to work. I would take public transportation but I live in the sticks so that would be really expensive. She also is being very hard to deal with because she doesn't want me to work and just focus on school. She says that she'll start paying me for cleaning the house each week and I do already receive child support from my ex-husband for my daughter. Work doesn't seem like a possibility until I have a car and my mother says that she will help me do that soon so it's really just a matter of when but until then I don't know what else to do.
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Old 02-16-2010, 07:06 PM
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I am sorry. I did not realize that you were pursuing an education.

Yeah, it sounds like mom is doing the "mom knows best" routine which comes with having you and your children, living in her home. I am familiar with a mother's desire to keep her adult child under glass, and protect her from making further poor choices. Mom is not however, under any obligation to lend you her car.

Sounds like mom has good intentions and wants you to have the best shot a long term opportunity. And yet, Fall semester is 6-7 months away. And in the meantime ???

Could you put those 2 AA degrees to work for you? How about volunteering at the nearest school, in keeping with your desire to teach. Most schools need help and it will look good on your resume, down the road.
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Old 02-16-2010, 08:28 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
 
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In my opinion:
Put your kids first. Ask "What is best for them ? "
Get your life on track, one step at a time w/o an addict to add drama, more dysfunction and problems.
Put your focus on the positive in your life...whatever it is...and build from there.
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Old 02-17-2010, 11:23 AM
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To Coffeedrinker - I know my mom has no obligation to let me use her car but for me to do anything like work, volunteer, etc I need a way to get there if you get what I am saying. I hate being in a situation where I am dependent on her at all but it is the best that I can do considering my circumstances at the moment. I agree she is just trying to help me out and look out for me but in the same respect, I am going nuts here with so much time on my hands. I'm trying to figure something out though...wish me luck...

I think I received enough strength to stay away from my abf and focus on me now... He called me from jail yesterday, he was supposed to be bailed out and apparently he didn't have all of his clothes back on yet before the investigator was back with more charges of forgery against him...so he is not leaving and bail is now set to $10,000. Apparently last week he was drug sick in jail and was experiencing really bad hallucinations and going 'crazy' and tried to kill himself. They had to stitch his arms up but he claims that he is doing better now that he is no longer sick...I could barely even write that sentence out...He also somehow managed to find old checks of ours from a bank account that doesn't even exist anymore and has apparently been using them to buy things. I just got a notice from a store down the road that he wrote a check out for $300.00 of course it bounced and now they are coming after both of us...I am scared to find out what else he may have used them on...I mean I don't even get where they came from...I thought that they were all shredded and gone. I swear to God if it's not one thing, it's another...I don't know but I am planning to stay away now once and for all. No more contact, nothing and I have to take some sort of action also to protect myself against any other checks that he may have written using our old account.

I just can't believe that this is happening, I am such a mess right now...
I am so hurt and devastated and I'm just at a total loss...
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Old 02-17-2010, 11:34 AM
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When I am feeling overwhelmed I make an extra effort to focus ONLY on the things that I can control - or the things I can change (myself or my reaction to others). This requires that I am brutally honest with myself. It is a worthy exercise though. One that has helped me grow stronger - one that has helped me move forward in my life.

Obviously you are feeling overwhelmed. I would ask you to consider stepping back. What is in your control? Is there one thing that you can do today to make your life or the life of your daughter better?

If you can't think of anything, try repeating the serenity prayer and directing it specifically towards the situations that are troubling you.

Focus all your attention on changing what you can. Worrying about things you have no control over will make you as sick as the drug addict that brought you to this sight.

((feel better soon.))
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Old 02-17-2010, 11:37 AM
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I have to ask, did his parents have him arrested??
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Old 02-17-2010, 11:44 AM
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Yes, his parents had him arrested. From what he told me, his mother was going to try and hide it and let him get away with it but his father found out and he was the one who pressed charges against him.
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Old 02-17-2010, 07:12 PM
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If his pressed charges this was no doubt yet another incident, in a long line of abuses against them and himself. Because of his addiction they've had enough.
His dad is probably hoping this may be his son's bottom.
Stay out of the way.
Due to your own circumstance, any attention from him must be a big distraction from the situation you find yourself in.
Maybe you can Find the strength to build your own life up and make it better for yourself and kids. Where does he fit in to this equation ?
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Old 02-17-2010, 07:22 PM
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i know you're in a lot of pain. it just hurts like heck to find out the things they do to sustain their drug use. it almost sounds like your mother wants to be at home almost all of the time....do you know why she thinks this is a good idea? do you have a history of taking on too much, or do you just maybe feel extra restless cuz of what's going on with the abf? journaling, cooking or baking, spending time with the kiddos, making stuff together, take long walks are all things that will help fill up time and possibly be meaningful as well. oh, and it was outtolunch that said about her giving you use of the car.
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Old 02-17-2010, 07:51 PM
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Everyone has a different bottom. I've sat in rehabs listening to people say, they don't know if, they'd hit a bottom yet or not.

I can't recall reading if, your b/f has a job or not?? If, he isn't working, I'd tell his grand mother to leave him in jail. I won't bail out my kids from jail. That sounds harsh but, I want them to sit and think about what they're doing to themselves. The last drunk I got thrown into a drunk tank in jail. No one would come bail me out but my lawyer. That helped me hit my bottom
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Old 02-18-2010, 05:41 AM
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Coffeedrinker - sorry for the typo :

With regard to my being home and my mother...I think that you have hit the nail on the head with both...I don't know why she wants me home so much..I can't figure it out myself at the moment and yes, I think I am extremely restless over my situation with my ex-abf so it in turn makes being home a lot more difficult.

Spiritual Seeker - This is something that has been ongoing with his family. They have a family business and when I started dating him (he was using then too...didn't know it at the time but at the point he claims his doc was pills) he would sleep in all of the time, take off of work, and totally take advantage of his family because I guess he didn't have many consequences to his actions. His mother also snuck him monry to compensate when the father docked (sp?) his pay for missing work. Even after he left their business back in 08' he would still get money from his mother all of time and never held a job. He would get tickets and do all sorts of crap and his mother (who I know thought she was doing her best to help her son) would bail him out. A month after I had my son last summer, I thought he was using again and he ended up quitting his job with the union and claiming that 'he wanted to work things out with his family' and returned. I was suspicious at that point that he was using again and called him out on it saying that the only reason he went back there was to take advantage of them, get away with all the normal bs, and use. He swore up and down that it was not the case but low and behold...He went back there, barely worked, told his mother that I was making him come home early all of the time (total BS!!!) and all sorts of horrible lies about me. Long story short, he left there still got money from his mother all of the time up until the beginning of last month...I came to find out that for all of 2008 his grand total from his mother was over $50,000!!! Take a guess at how much me and the children saw...yeah, not much. Back in December when I found out that he was for sure using again, he admitted that the only reason he went to his family was to get money from his mother and to make it easier for him to use. Again with the checks his mother was apparently (this is what he says) going to let him get away with it but since it was on the joint account, ex-abf's father found out and is the one who pressed charges with the mother finally going along.

Whew...sorry this is a long one....

Captain - No he didn't have a job...he left his family's job...went back to the union and lost 2 jobs in several weeks...The other day when I s/w him he was claiming that he hit rock bottom but in all honesty, I bet if he were to get bailed out, he would be right back at square one. I think that there is a HP ensuring he stays because he did get bailed and didn't even make it out the door...his grandparents were also trying to bail him out for over a week a this point but kept running into problems in doing so, and now his bail is $10,000 so he's not going anywhere.


Well as of today, I feel more removed from the situation. I s/w my ex-husband last night after he dropped off my daughter and he told me he knew about my ex-abf the whole time and knew quite a bit of information that I didn't know. When I asked him why he didn't tell me, he said 'Would you have believed me if I did?" and the truth is I probably would have denied it.

I have been doing some more rationalizing of this situation and I do deserve better than this. In the past month since his mom stopped giving money, the veil of denial was lifted because there was no one there to help cushion everything for me either (if that makes sense). He took back my engagement ring and got money for drugs with it, he stole from his family left and right, used checks from an old bank account of ours which implicates me, lied constantly, and my own mother found 2 of her rings missing now as well. It also makes me really upset that he had over $50,000 and we barely made it each week...It was always about him in his head and unfortunately it was always about him in my mind too with all of the worrying, false expectations, etc.

I still hope that he finds recovery one day for his own sake and also for our son but I realize FINALLY that it is out of my hands and for that matter never was... That I have spent so much time focused on him that I have lost my own way. I have no life because I made his problem my life, no wonder I am so restless...I spent so much time obsessing over him and now when its time to focus on me I am not sure where to begin but I am ready to try...

I apologize for such a long entry and I can't promise that I won't be on here in the future not feeling bad but for right now I feel like a load has been lifted and I am starting to let go of the idea that things were good enough to stay because in reality the good parts were such a small part of the overall relationship because his addiction was the priority (if that makes sense). I think s/w my ex-husband about everything made it all sink in and helped me to look at things differently since it was someone who was really on the outside looking in...
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Old 02-18-2010, 06:07 AM
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I don't want to sound harsh. I WISHED I would've had the interntal fortitude to say to myself (and actually do it) WHEN he gets sober and the legal problems are behind him, then if I'm interested, we'll talk. I didn't and I regret the loss of time from MY life that can never be recovered.
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