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Shocked Confused Disgusted!

Old 02-14-2010, 06:16 PM
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Shocked Confused Disgusted!

Wow, what a day today has been! I have been doing so good these last few weeks distancing myself from my husband and taking care of my and my little boy. Today really has hit me hard!

I'm feeling so many varying emotions right now. I got a call from a good friend of my AH first thing this morning wondering if I knew where he had been staying. I said I wasn't really sure because I'm trying to distance myself from his ciaos. He went on to tell me what he knows which includes the fact that AH showed up at his house numerous times recently with a girl that lives a few houses down from me and is the definition of crack *****. She is/was married and has 3 kids by three different men. I grew up in this neighborhood and she went to high school with my younger brother. I was shocked! He has been right under my nose this entire time. He is pretty much living with here and her 3 kids who are all a little off because she has done so many drugs while pregnant with them and around thm. The friend's wife went on to say how proud this girl is that she is "with" my husband because quite frankly if you look at it despite his issues he is probably the best guy she has ever been with (so that should tell you what kind of losers she has been involved with). He is college educated, holds a good job (for now), drives a nice vehicle, etc. His friend was upset because he let him borrow $600 the other day and was avoiding him. So, I told his friend where the house was and sure enough he was there. When he found him his friend actually punched him because my AH started to give a million excuses as to why he needed the money. I had a feeling that would happen when his friend found him bcause he is known to be a hot head, but I think he got what he deserved.

Shortly afterwards AH called me to try and set up a time to come be with our son and I told him that under no circumstances would he be able to spend any time alone with our son. I said he could stay at the house while I was here or he could visit with him with his parents at their house, but I was not going to expose my son to the things (and the trash) he is associating himself with now. He played stupid and I told him I knew everything about who he is with and what he is doing. Of course you know I got a big song and dance that he isn't with her they are just friends that are both in recovery-HA! I totally lost it and flipped out. The drugs have been one thing, but living with someone who lives a few houses down from me where my friends and neighbors could see him. The nasty girl even told my husband's friend's wife that I was really stupid because all of this is going on right under my nose and I don't have a clue. Friend's wife told her to get out of her house. They had never met each other and she is talking to someone I've known for 8 years about how stupid I am!

After all of this came to light I was shocked. I almost threw up! This is someone that a couple of months ago my husband wouldn't have paid an ounce of attention to. Now he is shacking up with her. Then he has the nerve to act like he is just staying there because he needs a place to stay. I'm disgusted that I gave almost half of my life to the poor excuse for a man, I stood by him when his addiction came to light and he want to rehab, I am the mother of his child, we've been best friend's since we were children and this is how it ends? Him sleeping with a girl who is known to do sexual favors for drugs!

How did my little suburban life turn into this horrible nightmare? I am so relieved that soon I will be free from this, but will I ever really be when I have a child with this guy? And, I feel so sad for my little boy because he will endure I lifetime of disappointment from this man if my AH can't get himself straight.

We are suppose to go to a mediator on Thursday to start drawing up our separation agreement, but I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm thinking that on Wednesday (holiday tomorrow and business trip on Tuesday) I will go to the courthouse to file a petition for support/custody. I live in VA and I'm not sure of the laws, but a friend who has been in a similar situation said I can go in and file this without a lawyer. I also think I can do something in the courts about abandonment which I'm thinking would be a good idea at this point.
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Old 02-14-2010, 07:17 PM
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i'm sorry you had to go through that; it sounds completely horrible.

i wish i had something pleasant to say, or some pearl of wisdom. it just really sucks
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Old 02-15-2010, 06:24 AM
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I'm sorry you're going through this... i don't really have words of wisdom for you... just know you're not alone. This is what happened when I finally kicked AH out... he found a crack****, moved in with her, drives her car, now she's pregnant. We were together 20 years... how can you just throw all that away. His reasoning for the new girl (before she got pregnant) was they were just "companions".. blah blah blah he had no one in this world who cared about him anymore and she did... all the excuses do make you want to throw up, don't they?

The ending wasn't what I envisioned. I had hoped he would see what he was losing and work on himself and try to get his family back. I can say it is so much more peaceful without the chaos in the house, the kids are much more content and happy. So I know I did the right thing. I think you are too. Stay strong. We don't know what will happen next with the addict, but we can make life better for ourself and our kids.
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Old 02-15-2010, 07:47 AM
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I know you need to and are venting. I too am sorry that you are going through this mess.

He's an addict doing what addicts do, living with someone who does what addicts do, too.

Have you considered not being a party to conversations that involve your husband's lifestyle? What good can possible come of hearing about it?

I am not sure what you mean by abandonment? Do you want him to return to the family home or just take care of his financial obligations to your child?

You can exacerbate or mitigate the potential for your child having to "endure a lifetime of disappointment from this man". Professional counseling can teach both you and your son how to use the tools of disengagement from that which you did not cause, cannot control or cure. In otherwords, it is not a forgone conclusion that your son will be hurt or damaged by this experience. It will however, depend on you, your reaction and awareness and use of tools.
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Old 02-15-2010, 02:28 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
I know you need to and are venting. I too am sorry that you are going through this mess.

He's an addict doing what addicts do, living with someone who does what addicts do, too.

Have you considered not being a party to conversations that involve your husband's lifestyle? What good can possible come of hearing about it?

I am not sure what you mean by abandonment? Do you want him to return to the family home or just take care of his financial obligations to your child?

You can exacerbate or mitigate the potential for your child having to "endure a lifetime of disappointment from this man". Professional counseling can teach both you and your son how to use the tools of disengagement from that which you did not cause, cannot control or cure. In otherwords, it is not a forgone conclusion that your son will be hurt or damaged by this experience. It will however, depend on you, your reaction and awareness and use of tools.
Yes, I have considered not being party to those conversations and it is so hard. These people that call me are hurting too and I tell them over and over that I'm trying to distance myself. Plus, I feel like I do need to know some of this stuff because he is trying to continue having a relationship with our 23 month old. Since my child can't tell me what is going on when he is with his father and I don't have any thing in the courts yet I'm finding things out to make my case. I'm not entertaining conversations with my husband too much and even if I was I would hear nothing but lies. I do feel I need to hear some of what people are trying to tell me so that when we do start divorce proceedings I have some knowledge of what my husband is up to.

By abandonment I meant that he has left our home and isn't providing any financial help. I found out they have to be gone an entire year with no contact or financial help before it can be considered abandonment in my state so that is a non-issue right now. I DO NOT want him to return to our home at this point. If you asked me 2 weeks ago I would have said yes, but now knowing what is going on has solidified that he has no intentions of continuing in his recovery. Having him gone has been peaceful and I can see how life will get better with him gone. I do want him to contribute financially and I want nothing more than for him to be a father to our son.

Right now my son is too young to understand what is going on so I know I have time to work on myself and to get the tools to help him as he begins to understand.
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