Situation with AD...

Old 02-13-2010, 09:10 PM
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Situation with AD...

I can't count the number of times I've started posting only to become too detailed and emotional...then deleted everything. I'll try to do the long story short thing...I'm sure it's familiar to most of you...

My 23 y.o AD has been in detox three times over the past year. She lived at a halfway house most of last year and had nine months of sobriety, but when she left, she was using within a week. That was this past December.

She went to detox and from there was placed in a holding cell waiting for a bed to open up at a halfway house, when her father (my ex) picked her up and took her to a sober house. He and his brother had pulled some strings to get her in (they know alot people in the program--AA that is).


The problem is that the cost of the weekly rent to stay there is more than we can afford. My DH's business is barely staying afloat in this economy, and my work hours have been cut. My AD's father is going through a divorce with wife 2 and is paying child support for three children. He's barely getting by himself. AD lost her last job and work is hard to find where she is now. This sober house is located in what is considered a somewhat seasonal community...in the summer there is plenty of work to be found...but right now, in the dead of winter...well, it's pretty dead down there! Most places aren't hiring until mid-spring.

Her father, his brother and I scraped up enough money between us to put down a weeks rent plus security deposit last week. Her rent is due tomorrow (Sunday) and her father gave me 1/4 of the amount due, and I was left to pay the rest (which I did). But I cannot and will not do this every week until she can get a job!

I am so upset (more like furious) that her father and his brother did this without working out all the details...like who the hell did they think would be paying for this??!! I know they meant well, as she probably would have ended up in a halfway house in another drug-infested, high criminal rate neighborhood (seems to be where they are all located), but where will she go if the rent doesn't get paid? She knows the situation and has expressed concern to her father and uncle, but they just tell her not to worry about it and keep trying to find work. All I know is I can't and won't pay the next rent due. I feel that they should have left her in the holding cell...I mean, it is what it is, but at least while she was there, she was "safe" and doing the work to get herself in a halfway house.

Btw, if this had happened before I started coming here and attending Alanon...I would have sold my last possession to make sure she had everything I thought she needed to stay clean. Been there, done that. I now know all she really needs is her own willingness, and love and support from others...all of which are free and there for her whenever she wants them.


Anyway, thank you for letting me vent!! I don't know what the answer is...I guess I'm still having a hard time with the "one day at a time" thing. Maybe I should just be thankful that for today, she is ok and leave it at that...just that it really goes against my worrying nature...but I'm learning! Let go and let God, that can be hard for me sometimes. Also, I have lurked here since last year, and I want to thank you all...you'll never know how much your wise words, compassion and experience have meant to me over this past year!
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Old 02-13-2010, 09:21 PM
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((Wildworld)) - welcome to SR!

While I can see why you're a bit frustrated, I have to say it sounds like you've got some good recovery tools you're working with for YOU!

I'm an RA (recovering addict) and a codie, and I think that you are exactly right in not stressing your financial situation to keep her in this sober house. While sober houses are great, and helpful to many, some of us got clean without them, because we wanted recovery more than anything else. For me, family stepped out of the way and let me fall on my face, and figure out how to get back up on my own, and I will forever be grateful.

It's a bit slow, here, on the weekends, but I'm sure others will be along. You've come to a place where there is a ton of ES&H, and I'm glad you finally posted.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-13-2010, 10:14 PM
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First of all, thanks for sharing that with us. I imagine it felt good to get it out. I put my Family, mainly my Mom, through hell when I was trying to get Clean & Sober. I was a pro at putting guilt trips on her to manipulate and bend her to do what I wanted. I can't tell you how many times she bailed me out of situations where, looking back, that was the worst thing she could have done. I never had to face the consequences of my addiction.

The last time I was in detox, my Mom told me over the phone basically that I was on my own from there on out. The doctor at the hospital recommended that I go to a Methadone Clinic, which meant going every single day, seven days a week. My Mom told me that I was going to have to take the bus because she wasn't going to take me. Not only was she not going to take me there, there would be no more rides to Meetings, doctor's appointments, no more money handed out to keep my phone from being disconnected, if my Cable bill wasn't paid, then my Cable would be cut off. She was done playing taxi and money machine. And most of all, if I got arrested again, not to call her. Boy, was I ever pissed off! In my addict mind I thought, "Here I am, sitting in the hospital, going through detox again, and she's going to abandon me? She should be helping me!" I now know, 4.5 years later, Clean and Sober, that she did help me by not enabling me any longer. She enabled me all of my life. I was 43 years old and never forced to face the consequences of my disease. Funny, when she quit enabling me, I was forced to look at my issues, deal with them on my own and basically grow up!

By the Grace of God, I was able to stay Clean & Sober from that day forward. She died 10 days shy of my 4 year Anniversary. But, I was able to make living amends, to thank her for everything she did and didn't do for me. When she left this earth, she knew that I was going to be ok. And I have her to thank for that. That tough love, that making me finally own up to my responsibilities of my addiction.

I think you should follow your heart and if that means her going to a half way house in a not so nice neighborhood, then so be it. The Methadone Clinic that I had to take the bus to every day was in the worst end of town. Maybe if things weren't quit as cushy, she'll have to realize just how serious this is. If she's not staying at a posh, comfortable Sober House, then maybe this will force her to face the consequences of her addiction.

God Bless,
Judy
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Old 02-13-2010, 10:15 PM
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I don't mean to sound mean or harsh but I would say she is 23 years old, time for you to let her spread her own wings and time for you ALL to stop clipping them and let her learn how to fly on her own.


She's going to keep on falling as long as someone is their keeping them trimmed for her as that is what is comfortable for her.
We as humans have a 'need' to survive and a will. You've done a great job and taught her the skills she needs, have faith in that. Don't pay her rent, let her figure it out on her own. She will if she has to or she will work something out.

Like Amy I was a user as well, and we have more survival skills than you Mom's have any clue of, we just don't want you to know, and we don't even usually know until you make us figure it out.

She'll thank you for making her do this eventually.

JMO. Glad you were able to post.

Others will be along soon with their ES,H

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Old 02-13-2010, 11:57 PM
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AA meetings are free.
Can she live with her father while she figures out her next best situation.
You sound
like you clearly know where she ends and you begin.

MAYBE EVERYONE CAN FIGURE OUT A COUNTY SLIDING SCALE PROGRAM
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Old 02-14-2010, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by WildWorld View Post

Btw, if this had happened before I started coming here and attending Alanon...I would have sold my last possession to make sure she had everything I thought she needed to stay clean. Been there, done that. I now know all she really needs is her own willingness, and love and support from others...all of which are free and there for her whenever she wants them.
Perfect description of me, the day I stumbled onto/into this forum. I could not find a halfway house for my daughter at any cost, that had a vacancy, that was not in the middle of an open air drug market and even then, it was no sure thing.

So instead, I let her come home and she relapsed hard. I gave her the choice to leave or get and stay clean and sober. She chose the latter and detoxed, at home, on her own. Fast forward, she relapsed again and chose to leave home. Shortly thereafter, she did the CT thing and is clean/sober, today.
Tomorrow will take care of itself.

In this situation, the more I tried to control her and the outcome, the less responsibility she took for anything. Letting go of her and the outcome, put the responsibility where it belonged. The rest is up to her.
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Old 02-14-2010, 04:54 PM
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Wild,
I sympathize with you having a "problem" child, I have a couple myself.

INHO, paying for her rent, is enabling.
No one can change her, but her. No matter how maybe times everyone tries to "help" her, it's all up to her. Which you already know from Alanon.

I've tried to help...
paying rent, cleaning their apartment, buying them food, paying their bills...I could go on forever. And all it did was make me poorer and them less responsible.

My heart hurts for you...

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
William R. Inge
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Old 02-14-2010, 08:55 PM
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Thank you all for your responses. Impurrfect, serenityqueen, Done_With_It...thank you for sharing your personal experiences from the other side. Your stories offer so much invaluable insight, inspire me and keep me hopeful. I've learned just how resourceful my daughter can be when pushed. But I do struggle with the guilt a parent feels...it's still early days in my own recovery, too. I know about the 3 C's, but there are times when I can't even get past the first C --cause..."what did I do; what didn't I do; what should I have done"...back and forth in my head. Then I think...omg, stop already... my daughter's the addict, but I'm the one getting all crazy! That's usually when I drop to my knees and pray to God for....something; anything...strength, hope, peace. Then I come here and find you amazing group of people.

Anyway, maybe it's a good thing I truly can't finance this sober house stay, because I probably would if I could. She can't stay with her dad...he recently moved and is renting a room by the week. His soon-to-be ex wife is staying in the house with their kids. My AD is more than welcome to come home, but she doesn't like the rules...which, btw, are similar to the ones at the sober house (except the rent is alot cheaper here!) The sober house is privately owned...I don't think a sliding scale fee is applicable?

Guess, I'll just keep doing what I've been doing...praying, going to alanon and coming here. And therapy...the four-legged kind! (((Hugs)))
Sorry so HUGE...will try to make smaller or delete!!
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Old 02-14-2010, 09:41 PM
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(((Wildworld))) - I had to read here, a LOT, before things started sinking in. I have an addict stepmom, an enabler dad, and a 16-year-old niece who is a pretty good con artists (as a lot of teens are). I also had an addict XABF and some friends who were A's. Needless to say, I needed a lot of guidance.

It took time for me to "get it" and I still fall back a few steps. My recommendation is keep going to meetings and keep reading here. I love my niece, as if she were my child, and I have an idea of what it would be like if she becomes an addict and I have to do the "tough love" stuff on her. I've been preparing her for it, all along, but I'm sure it won't make things easier if it happens.

Just know that there are many, many people here who know what you're going through and they are here to support you. Post, read, and reach out for support.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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