ladyhawk69

Another thread open for opinions:

They say the alc/addict has to make ammends. My question is this:

Moving forward is great, however can it sometimes be used as an excuse to escape the responsibility of the present and/or past? How do you deal with an alc/addict (and family of) that is so focused ON the future that they fail to recognize what the alc/addict is still accountable for from their past? (emotionally and financially)

Thanks,

Kim

Spiritual Seeker

An addict in recovery hopefully begins the process of cleaning up "the wreckage from his/her past. That's what actively working the 12 steps guide them through.

The level of honesty and the rate this is accomplished can be minimal to vast depending on the person's willingness.

Ann

Making amends is Step 9, and can take quite a while to get there. The good news is that by the time they get to Step 9, they have a lot of recovery and healing processed and the amends come sincerely and from the heart.

Don't hold your breath waiting, however, maybe just keep moving forward with your recovery and see where this takes you in your relationship.

I read something on a church sign a week or so ago that caught my eye. It said...You can't build the foundation of the future on the past. I also like the saying "Don't look back, you're not going there."

We can learn from the past and put boundaries in place that will help us from repeating our own past mistakes, but there comes a time to just leave the past behind us and look with anticipation at the wonderful future ahead.

Hugs

ladyhawk69

Thank you Ann for your VERY useful post!

incitingsilence

This might be a double edged sword.

Although I understand many needing them amends and how important it is for each side to clear up their wreckage and make peace with the past. The process seems a bit more complicated.

While many use AA/NA, not all do and in my experience both of the addict in my life changed and along the way ... made amends for different things at different times. It really seemed to be a process that would be on their time limit not mine, and honestly I don't like time limits, watching the growth has been awesome.

For those who watch I am not sure how one survives living in the past, in that what they did to. I know many who work whatever their program is and found they needed to make amends as well. I know I sure did.

Now you asked could it be used as an excuse, sure, but I think if one is trying to move forward in time they will really not have a choice but to clean up their past as part of having a better life ... My husband wanted to just forget the past, I did nothing to keep it present, and what I found is he more than has faced it, in his time, for the best of chances for him.

Really you need to only worry about your past, and work that out, cause focusing on another is just a distraction that could bite one in the ass...

ladyhawk69

Very true! The only thing that has to be rectified from the past that affects the present is financially. Addict or not, walking away from your family and not taking care of financial obligations shouldn't wait until step 9. That's just a HUMAN responsibility. Am I right? I am moving forward at this point and this board helps. If everyone used moving forward to escape their responsibilities well, I would have used that one years ago. I will move along and do what I have to do to protect my family's future.

outtolunch

Many people choose not to take responsibility for themselves and/or their personal obligations. Most are not alcoholics/addicts.

Many people bring children into this world and do not take care of them. Most of them are not alcoholics/addicts.

Many people do not take responsibility for their own financial obligations and promices to honor/repay their such obligations. Most are not alcholic/addicts.

Imagine a world where everyone, everywhere, regardless of alcoholism/addiction, adhered to a 12 Steps philosophy and took responsibility for themselves.