exsister

I'm sorry if this post comes out as rambling, but I just joined today after Superbowl Sunday fiasco. My sister has been addicted to just about every pharmaceutical she can get her hands on. Several dwi's, 4 rehabs, promiscuity, divorce, loss of custody of children. She is now living at home with my 80 year old father, I live about 40 minutes away, am married with two small children. Sis claims to be clean and sober for about six months, although she lost her license because of a cell phone violation while she was on probation for one of her many dwi's. She is about to do 3-10 days of jail on a prior dwi conviction. Superbowl Sunday we celebrated my son's 6th birthday. I invited my sister at my father's request, our relationship has been extremely rocky over the last 9 years due to her drug abuse and erratic behavior. Sis had visitation with her youngest daughter and she came to the party as well. Like every function she attends, Sis ultimately always makes the day about her. My father and her exhusband do all of the transportation since she lost her license. Well, Sis decides twenty minutes before game time that her daughter has to go home. Her exhusband told her that he was throwing a Superbowl party of his own, but no matter to Sis, he needs to pick her up now. Sis then, in a room full of people, including her own daughter, starts screaming about how her ex is probably drunk and that's why he won't come get her. She's getting louder and louder in a room full of children, friends and family and its turning into quite a scene. My father then suggests that my husband take my niece home to avoid further turmoil. My husband wants to watch the Superbowl, we have a house full of guests. I try to explain to my father that we're in the middle of my son's party, its not really fair to us, and he proceeds to complain that since Sis lost her license, its all on him and he's 80 years old and we really should be helping out more, she is my sister after all. I can't tell you how many times I've fielded the 2:00 a.m. phone call from Dad "Can you pick up Sis, she's at the hospital 10 minutes from you, or the jail, or she needs a ride" ... ad infinitum. I really want to be done with her. She claims to be clean, but I don't need or want all her drama, drugs or no drugs. I have no way of knowing if she's clean or not, and I don't really care anymore. She's taken enough from us already, ruined every family function she attends, even now, when she's supposedly clean. I'm almost afraid that I can't blame her behavior on the drugs anymore, if that makes any sense.

How do I extricate myself from this? Her exhusband got to divorce her, why can't I?

suki44883

You can, by not taking those 2am calls and not allowing yourself to be brow beaten to invite her to a function at your home. Yes, it's tough to do, and your dad might not like it, but it's his decision to do the dance with her. That doesn't mean YOU have to.

tjp613

Exsister, sounds to me like you are DONE! Remember, this is your life and YOU get to run it!

outtolunch

"No" is a complete sentance.

"No, because....." opens the door to neogitation.

exsister

Thanks so much for the replies. I guess what makes me feel the most guilty is that both she and my father claim she has been clean for over six months. How can that be true when she still acts like an ******* all the time? The most selfabsorbed idiot I've ever met. Even her children seem to be an afterthought to her. Could nine years of addiction/relapse/drug abuse change her physiologically? Can she ever be the same normal person she was before she started using? Its supposed to get better if she's clean, no? I know six months is not that long, but her behavior is still pathologically cruel to everyone around her. How long do I wait for change that may never come? It makes me feel so insignificant that the measure of my worth to my father and sister is how useful I can be to them, and when I try to detach myself from her, I'm a bad daughter, unfeeling sister, selfish and immature. I've been told I need to "step up" for my nieces sake, that they need a mother figure. I love them dearly and will have them here anytime, but I don't want my sister here. But if my Dad and sister find out that the girls are here, they arrive soon after. If I ask them not to, I'm "interfering with my sisters visitation". They feel I should be more understanding that Sis lost her license and I could help but won't. Its not my fault she lost her license. Why is this always my problem? How can I break away without feeling like I failed my father and am a selfish daughter and uncaring sister?

suki44883

No need to feel guilty. There are reasons other than alcohol or drugs to remove a person from your life. We don't get to choose our relatives, but just because someone is a member of your biological family doesn't mean they have to be a part of your life. Some people are just jerks, even without taking drugs or drinking. You still get to choose who you allow to be a part of your life. ((((HUGS))))

Chino

When I've taken on other people's problems I have no one to blame but myself. I break away from them with a clear conscience by understanding and accepting that the person I've failed is myself.

Are you working any kind of recovery for yourself?

hello-kitty

I have a choice to engage or not to engage. I am only responsible for my own actions and my own reactions. I cannot change others. I can change myself. When people bother me with their actions, it is MY problem (not theirs) and I need to solve it.

I set boundaries for the kind of behavior that I am willing to accept in my life and around my kids. One of my boundaries is:

I will not allow people who act like "self-absorbed idiots" to be a part of my life.

I just don't answer the phone when they call. That's why there is voicemail. I don't go to where they are. I don't invite them to my house.

I am not rude. I am firm. I don't have to offer an explanation. "No" is a complete sentence. And "You're smart. I'm sure you'll figure it out." is a great answer to any requests for help.

I truly think that guilt stems from allowing others to violate my personal boundaries. It's about respecting myself. If I don't, who will?

exsister

Thanks again for the replies. No, I am not in any recovery program. Things have gotten progressively worse for me since she lost her drivers' license.
My father does the bulk of the driving, and resents it and feels I should split the driving with him as he's too old to do it all alone. He's been enabling her for years, though. When she got fired the first time from many nursing jobs, he paid her credit card bills, cell phone bills. She lives in his home, pays no rent or utilities or sundries, and knows he will never ask her to leave. He's threatened to, but can never bring himself to do it. In the beginning, when she first moved in, he would ask if we would take her for weekends, but we had to stop because her behavior was just so outlandish and dangerous around our kids. We clashed many times over his enabling her, but it seems now that he has to do more than just write checks, he feels I should help him out with her more (take her shopping, pick her up from work, run errands, pick up her kids. etc.) I know I can't control how he feels about me, I'm just so tired of this conditional relationship and that I am worth less to him if I don't just do what they say.

suki44883

Yeah, it's a tough position to be in, but for the sake of your own sanity and that of your family, sometimes you have to do what's best, even if it's hard. Your dad has the right to make his own decisions about what he will and won't do, just as you do. So long as he gives her a free place to stay, food, comfort, transportation, etc., why would she change? She has everything she needs. Unfortunately, you can't force him to lower the boom on her, so even if he gets tired of taking care of her issues, that's his own problem and until he does something about it, nothing will change. Like the saying goes...if nothing changes, nothing changes.

hello-kitty

I am sorry for your pain. I hope you will continue to read and post here. I hope you will read all you can about setting boundaries and maybe start with a few small ones for yourself.

Resentment can really build up inside - if we let it. And resentment can be ugly.

Try to accept that:

You didn't cause her problems/your dads problems.
You can't control her problems/your dads problems.
You can't cure her problems/your dads problems.

The serenity prayer helps me so much. i have a special version for me that may help you as well.

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change.
The strength to change the person I can.
And the wisdom to know its me.

Good luck and welcome again!

bluebelle

Welcome to SR. I believe that you have a right to choose who you allow into your life and house. My mom is an addict and drama queen. My grandparents have continued to enable her year after year. I have had to make boundaries to myself as far as to what behavior I will tolerate out of my mom. That is what I suggest you do with your sister. It is not your obligation to rescue her just because she is your sister. In fact, rescuing her does not help her at all. As you can know, all of your dad's rescuing has done nothing for your sister.

For long periods of time (up to a year), I have gone no contact with my mom. I have sharp boundaries as to what I will and will not tolerate. At first, my boundaries were that I would not tolerate her yelling at me and saying terrible things to me. When that did not stop her, I had to have boundaries that I would not go to her home. This might sound awful, but one Christmas, we even had to call the police on her to get her removed from my grandparents' home. She was too violent to be in the home. I don't answer phone calls from her. I have gotten to the point where I will call her back, and will talk to her.

My point is that you can make the decision as to what you will tolerate. You have a right to protect yourself and your home.

exsister

Thanks again everyone. I know my dad will help her no matter what, I've long ago given up trying show him that he's enabing her. It's his house, his business. I really resent his forcing her on my family, though. If he wants to "help" her, that's up to him, but I'm not playing. It's not my job to pick her up at all hours, clean up her messes and apologize to family and friends for her outrageous behavior. I can't let her take any more from me. Half of my husband's family won't even come here if they know she's coming, she's been so out of control and I'm so tired of making excuses for her and explaining to my children why their cousins won't make it this time. But my dad blames everyone but my sister. He says its her exhusband who sets her off, her kids who torment her, its always everyone else but her. I guess I know what I have to do, I just never thought detaching from her would cost me my father as well. In our last conversation, my Dad brought up the parable of the Prodigal Son, and how I should be grateful that she's working her way back, but I just don't see it. She may not be high, but she seems to revel in making scenes, hurtful ones. Its as if she's completely unaware of how she's hurt everyone, and she says she gets no understanding or compassion from us. We have no idea what she goes through, how she's suffered, again its always ALL ABOUT HER. Sometimes I just wish that on a child's birthday, its about the child. At Christmas, its about the holiday and not how she's being mistreated by everyone. She's 43 years old, and even though many of the things she's done in the past were when she was wrecked, being an addict or in recovery doesn't mean she doesn't have to take responsibility for the hurt and pain she causes.

Chino

That made me chuckle because I've been on both sides of that parable. When almost the same thing was said to me, I said I would welcome them back with open arms when they asked ME for that and made amends to the best of their ability. I had to do it when I've been the prodigal daughter.

Food for thought: Your sister and dad are putting their interests ahead of yours, in the name of self preservation. Why not follow their lead this time and do the same for yourself?

lam9132

Exsister -- I've had the exact same issues with my sister. She's been a crack and meth addict. Sworn she was recovering and had found religion. A couple years ago she moved in with my mom and stepdad and lived off them, but also took care of them while they were ailing. My mom and stepdad both complained that she was "mean" and a drain financially, but they were all four hours from me and there just wasn't much I could do other than fret. After my mom died, we moved stepdad to a nursing home where I live and I allowed sister to move in with me. She didn't work at finding a job, couldn't help around the house, was constant drama with my son and her daughter and finally left of her own accord -- but then blamed me for kicking me out. My mom and stepdad both died within the last year (stepdady on 12/30/09), and after a nasty fight about life insurance money (a small, small policy -- not enough to fight about), I am now no contact with her. Her daughter is also no contact. I'm sad because I feel like my family has fallen apart, but her behavior and verbal abuse is so disruptive to the three of us remaining in the family that we had to go no contact. My guess is she took the couple thousand bucks she got and is using. It's so, so hard when your parents are entangled with the addict, I know. You don't want to alienate your dad, but being around her is intolerable. So sorry you're going through this.

exsister

Thanks, lam. I really appreciate your response. My mother passed away 9 years ago and that's when my sister really fell off the deep end. Its like all her inhibitions died with my mom. She lives with my father, and I expect she'll eventually get the house, which is okay, I don't begrudge her a place to live, but I can't be at her beck and call constantly. I just thought the lies and manipulations would stop when she stopped using, but her behavior is like a teenager's. She has so many court dates due to outstanding dwi's and then gets a cell phone ticket and loses her license. If I had a probationary license, you can be damn sure I would walk (drive) the straight and narrow to stay out of trouble, but she seems to think the world owes her something because she's "had problems". My mother died, too. Must be nice to throw up your hands and check out for a while and let others pick up the slack. I don't mind helping those who need help, but I hate being taken for a fool, and that's how they make me feel, or how I let them make me feel. I'm just mad and feeling sorry for myself and a little bitter that her addiction/recovery or whatever her damage is costing me so much.