Rebuilding trust--anyone doing it too?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: atlanta
Posts: 90
Rebuilding trust--anyone doing it too?
I'm new here, and seeking some S H and E!
My AH and I have been married for 15 years but have been seperated for about 1 1/2 years. I struggled for about 7 years dealing with his various addictions, coke, pain pills, and finally meth. I kept taking him back every time he relapsed and ended up in prison (seems that is the cycle). This stint, however, I decided to release him and let him go while he was still incarcerated. I attempted to file for divorce but it didnt go through. In the meantime, he got out and went to his mother's (on parole). Since then he has done very well, got a job, bought a car, pays support, and as far as I know has stayed clean and attends NA occassionally.
He wants me back...begs and tells me how much he loves me every day and that he FINALLY realizes what he lost. He never thought I'd give up and now that he knows he has lost me, he will spend the rest of his life trying to win me back.
In the course of my last year working on "me" I did start dating around and have been seeing someone pretty regular. I like this guy but I really dont think he's the one to spend my life with. I enjoy spending time with him but just cannot seem to develop deeper feelings for him.
That being said, my ex and I have "dated" a little bit too. AND I just cannot seem to revive the feelings I used to have for him either. I know now our relationship wasn't healthy, I was the classic codie and my addiction was him.
He doesnt seem to understand that I'm so damn gun shy about a relationship with him, that he is ready to be the man I married again and not the selfish addict that broke my heart. I'm actually scared to death of being hurt again!
I'm trying to rebuild the trust but I just am so fearful of opening that part of my heart again and possibly getting destroyed again. I do have feelings of love for him but I also now know I can live without him and I dont NEED him in my life to be happy.
I think the major thing that I miss is our family. We had a great situation at one time, he was a great dad and husband for much of the past 15 years and I miss that part of it.
As for right now, I told him I'm not ready to commit to him. I enjoy spending time with him but for now that is all I can give. Besides that he is still on parole and really needs to stay in the county he is in as it is far away from here and possible triggers, so he will be there for the next 6 months.
Because of his distance there is no way we can attempt any counseling right now, not to mention that we are both struggling financially.
I guess my questions are....Has anyone rebuilt the relationship after a seperation due to addiction?
Can I regain the love that I used to have?
Is there a such thing as being so broken that you cannot open yourself up to love again?
I'm definitely working on myself and I do attend nar-anon meetings but most of the people there are qualified by children so I havent gotten much feedback from an experienced person.
Thanks for listening, sorry so long!
My AH and I have been married for 15 years but have been seperated for about 1 1/2 years. I struggled for about 7 years dealing with his various addictions, coke, pain pills, and finally meth. I kept taking him back every time he relapsed and ended up in prison (seems that is the cycle). This stint, however, I decided to release him and let him go while he was still incarcerated. I attempted to file for divorce but it didnt go through. In the meantime, he got out and went to his mother's (on parole). Since then he has done very well, got a job, bought a car, pays support, and as far as I know has stayed clean and attends NA occassionally.
He wants me back...begs and tells me how much he loves me every day and that he FINALLY realizes what he lost. He never thought I'd give up and now that he knows he has lost me, he will spend the rest of his life trying to win me back.
In the course of my last year working on "me" I did start dating around and have been seeing someone pretty regular. I like this guy but I really dont think he's the one to spend my life with. I enjoy spending time with him but just cannot seem to develop deeper feelings for him.
That being said, my ex and I have "dated" a little bit too. AND I just cannot seem to revive the feelings I used to have for him either. I know now our relationship wasn't healthy, I was the classic codie and my addiction was him.
He doesnt seem to understand that I'm so damn gun shy about a relationship with him, that he is ready to be the man I married again and not the selfish addict that broke my heart. I'm actually scared to death of being hurt again!
I'm trying to rebuild the trust but I just am so fearful of opening that part of my heart again and possibly getting destroyed again. I do have feelings of love for him but I also now know I can live without him and I dont NEED him in my life to be happy.
I think the major thing that I miss is our family. We had a great situation at one time, he was a great dad and husband for much of the past 15 years and I miss that part of it.
As for right now, I told him I'm not ready to commit to him. I enjoy spending time with him but for now that is all I can give. Besides that he is still on parole and really needs to stay in the county he is in as it is far away from here and possible triggers, so he will be there for the next 6 months.
Because of his distance there is no way we can attempt any counseling right now, not to mention that we are both struggling financially.
I guess my questions are....Has anyone rebuilt the relationship after a seperation due to addiction?
Can I regain the love that I used to have?
Is there a such thing as being so broken that you cannot open yourself up to love again?
I'm definitely working on myself and I do attend nar-anon meetings but most of the people there are qualified by children so I havent gotten much feedback from an experienced person.
Thanks for listening, sorry so long!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Welcome to SR, sunnygirl, hope you stick around....this is a good place with lots of SH&E - whatever order you need it in. 
It takes time to rebuild trust. Seems like you have that time.....is there a rush in making this decision right now? I'm thinking of this from your point of view, not his. For him, he feels he needs you back now....but when I read your post, I'm not getting that feeling at all from you. You have doubts, understandably. You need time - not just to decide who you will be with - but time to heal from the damage done to your heart.
Give yourself that time, keep yourself and your needs as your focus, and know that when you are ready, you will feel it. Only you can make the decision of whether or not to give him another chance - but imagine, that if/when you do, how much better it could be if you have both been working on your own recoveries for a significant amount of time. Ideally, you would come together healthier and both fully ready to give to each other.
"The best indicator of future behavior, is past behavior." Has his past behavior changed enough yet and for long enough? Recovery is a beautiful thing....and I hope he sticks with it. But don't compromise your own needs for his.
Is it possible to find other meetings with more members with addict spouses? I go to Alanon (no Naranon around) and the support I've found from others in similar situations was life-saving.
The answer to that question: for me right now is yes. My rAH and I were briefly separated late 08/early 09. He had been struggling with relapses and on/off pain pills for years. When I let him move back in, I admit I still had fears, but I also was firm in my boundary of NO drugs and he knew it. Anyway, things are good between us now. I'm thankful we are both working on ourselves and our marriage. I feel love for him again. But.....I admit, that some days I still have those fears of the what-ifs. If he sticks with recovery, I can see us growing old together, but in the meantime, I must stay vigilant on my own recovery. So, you see, even with his clean-time, it still takes time.
It takes time to rebuild trust. Seems like you have that time.....is there a rush in making this decision right now? I'm thinking of this from your point of view, not his. For him, he feels he needs you back now....but when I read your post, I'm not getting that feeling at all from you. You have doubts, understandably. You need time - not just to decide who you will be with - but time to heal from the damage done to your heart.
Give yourself that time, keep yourself and your needs as your focus, and know that when you are ready, you will feel it. Only you can make the decision of whether or not to give him another chance - but imagine, that if/when you do, how much better it could be if you have both been working on your own recoveries for a significant amount of time. Ideally, you would come together healthier and both fully ready to give to each other.
"The best indicator of future behavior, is past behavior." Has his past behavior changed enough yet and for long enough? Recovery is a beautiful thing....and I hope he sticks with it. But don't compromise your own needs for his.
Is it possible to find other meetings with more members with addict spouses? I go to Alanon (no Naranon around) and the support I've found from others in similar situations was life-saving.
Originally Posted by sunnygirl68 
I guess my questions are....Has anyone rebuilt the relationship after a seperation due to addiction?
Can I regain the love that I used to have?
Is there a such thing as being so broken that you cannot open yourself up to love again?
Can I regain the love that I used to have?
Is there a such thing as being so broken that you cannot open yourself up to love again?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Dryden, NY
Posts: 3
Hi Sunnygirl,
My AH and I separated three times due to drugs. All three times he got clean, stayed clean for quite a while, and always declared his undying love for me. He also always went back to medicating. I'm not sure pain killer addicts can really ever kick it...they can stay clean until the next injury or medical crisis, then it just comes right back.
I don't regret letting him back in after three years. Our children love him and he is mostly a good husband. I cannot say we will stay together permanently, but for now... Truth is, though, I'll never trust him again.
LovesPillAddict
My AH and I separated three times due to drugs. All three times he got clean, stayed clean for quite a while, and always declared his undying love for me. He also always went back to medicating. I'm not sure pain killer addicts can really ever kick it...they can stay clean until the next injury or medical crisis, then it just comes right back.
I don't regret letting him back in after three years. Our children love him and he is mostly a good husband. I cannot say we will stay together permanently, but for now... Truth is, though, I'll never trust him again.
LovesPillAddict
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Hi again - just wanted to add that I am not advocating for getting back together with him - in fact, I reread your post and feel such a strong "I'm not ready" from you.....my main point is to take care of you right now and do what you feel in your heart. One thing that always "got me" to get back with or forgive my rAH was this sense of urgency from him, or from other pressures, like money. Once I got past those feelings that I needed to do something for another....I could more easily make the right choices for me.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
What Anvil said.
No rush. Wait and see. A lot can happen in 6 months. And a lot can happen when an addict gets off parole and gets all his freedom back. You are wise to focus on yourself and keep your safe distance.
You can rebuild trust WITHOUT jumping into a relationship with him. In fact, that's really the only true way to rebuild trust.
No rush. Wait and see. A lot can happen in 6 months. And a lot can happen when an addict gets off parole and gets all his freedom back. You are wise to focus on yourself and keep your safe distance.
You can rebuild trust WITHOUT jumping into a relationship with him. In fact, that's really the only true way to rebuild trust.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: atlanta
Posts: 90
Thank you to everyone who responded....I do think there is no urgency in making a decision right now, he tells me that he wants me to be happy and he will do whatever it takes...but of course it would be nice to have some help with the kids and with the bills. I keep telling myself that that is NOT a reason to take him back.
He is kinda like an old shoe, very comfortable and easy to be around. I really believed he was my soul mate for many years, now I'm not so sure. It's hard to wrap your head around the fact that the addiction is not a matter of love but of disease. I used to say "If he loved me he would never do________(fill in the blank), now i know he was consumed by the drugs.
I guess I feel somewhat guilty that although I can forgive him, I just cannot take him back right now. I told him that my boundaries are that I'd like to see him get a sponser and "see" him actually working steps, for him to get his OWN place, and then try some counseling sessions. I do know I still have some anger and pain that I have not totally let go, I've been told that is just self-preservation. It's really ironic that every other time we have been apart due to incarceration, I seemed to only recall the good times but during this one, I couldn't stop thinking of all of the ****** things he had done. I know I don't have to list them because I'm sure they are the same as everyone. Isn't it weird that most of our addicts were such wonderful people BEFORE they started using drugs?? That really blows me away.
I told him just the other day that this whole relationship is like staring at a fire and thinking you see a diamond at the bottom, you stick your hand in and YOU ARE GOING TO BE BURNED, when you pull your hand out are you holding a diamond or just an old rock? I've stuck my hand in one too many times and I don't want to be burned again! However, there is that tiny bit of hope that the diamond is there, just beyond the fire and I'm just looking at it and wanting to be sure.
Also I feel "on the fence", scared to let him go because he might have really figured it out and scared to try again because I'm just x amount of weeks, months or years away from another relapse!
The only time I really cry these days is when I look at myself and think that I'm messed up emotionally because I just can't love anybody romantically anymore. My biggest fear has always been to grow old alone.....
You all are great and I'll be on here more regular trying to figure all of this out.
He is kinda like an old shoe, very comfortable and easy to be around. I really believed he was my soul mate for many years, now I'm not so sure. It's hard to wrap your head around the fact that the addiction is not a matter of love but of disease. I used to say "If he loved me he would never do________(fill in the blank), now i know he was consumed by the drugs.
I guess I feel somewhat guilty that although I can forgive him, I just cannot take him back right now. I told him that my boundaries are that I'd like to see him get a sponser and "see" him actually working steps, for him to get his OWN place, and then try some counseling sessions. I do know I still have some anger and pain that I have not totally let go, I've been told that is just self-preservation. It's really ironic that every other time we have been apart due to incarceration, I seemed to only recall the good times but during this one, I couldn't stop thinking of all of the ****** things he had done. I know I don't have to list them because I'm sure they are the same as everyone. Isn't it weird that most of our addicts were such wonderful people BEFORE they started using drugs?? That really blows me away.
I told him just the other day that this whole relationship is like staring at a fire and thinking you see a diamond at the bottom, you stick your hand in and YOU ARE GOING TO BE BURNED, when you pull your hand out are you holding a diamond or just an old rock? I've stuck my hand in one too many times and I don't want to be burned again! However, there is that tiny bit of hope that the diamond is there, just beyond the fire and I'm just looking at it and wanting to be sure.
Also I feel "on the fence", scared to let him go because he might have really figured it out and scared to try again because I'm just x amount of weeks, months or years away from another relapse!
The only time I really cry these days is when I look at myself and think that I'm messed up emotionally because I just can't love anybody romantically anymore. My biggest fear has always been to grow old alone.....
You all are great and I'll be on here more regular trying to figure all of this out.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i totally get it, sunnygirl. sounds like you are listening to that voice inside of you - good for you 
i'm not as far along as itsatruth, but we are in the "rebuilding" phase as well. so i get it about some old clinging wounds, some hope, some reservations, fear, etc.
you don't need to make the big decision today, tomorrow, or even next winter. it sounds like you don't really wanna be with someone right now, which i think is really healthy. get to know yourself, be comfortable and like what you see.
i'm not as far along as itsatruth, but we are in the "rebuilding" phase as well. so i get it about some old clinging wounds, some hope, some reservations, fear, etc.
you don't need to make the big decision today, tomorrow, or even next winter. it sounds like you don't really wanna be with someone right now, which i think is really healthy. get to know yourself, be comfortable and like what you see.
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